Trying, But Not...

 

I tried to pull myself together yesterday.  It didn't work.  It doesn't matter what I'm trying, something else has to come along.  There was a weird light & shopping was annoying.  My roomie was having some things go on in the morning.  The weather got weird later on.  It drizzled for a bit, barely enough to register.  There's some old stuff brewing in the background that could be an issue.  I hope not, but it could be.

The light's off this morning.  I slept hard last night & woke up with a jolt for some reason.  I hate that.  I feel like I hit a wall.  The season & my year are ending.  That's never good for me.  I just have this annoying dread that something big's going to break.  I don't want to be here when it happens.  I don't have the strength to do more or fix anything.  I can't even get myself together.  It's always something else.

Cya...

Still Failing...

 

I've been HIV+ for a 25 years.  Back then the county health department was the only resource within 30 miles of me for anything dealing remotely with HIV.  All it could do was testing & provide condoms.   They gave me some info for places in Tulsa, 120+ miles away.  Thanks to how healthcare is in the US, I couldn't go to Fort Smith, 35 miles away.  Not that Fort Smith had a lot of resources.  

It's 25 years later & nothing has improved.  There are more people living with HIV in the general, but still nothing specifically for HIV.  The best improvements for me have been telemedicine & better drug availability.  There are no resource centers, support groups, aid for anything to help you, etc...  There's still nothing near.

With all the medical advancements, if people had really wanted to, HIV probably could've been under control 10+ years ago.  But, people love to hate & make a profit.  HIV is good for both.  If someone near you is diagnosed with the virus, know this, it wasn't just their actions.  It was due to ignorance, hate, fear & greed.  Add in a lot of wretched meanness  & vile stupidity as well.

Stigma will never go away for anything.  It's too good a hate maker, divider.  HIV & other illnesses will likely never be cured.  They make too much profit.  Welcome to capitalism.

Cya...

Missed a Kitten Day...

 

This is Machen at about 6 weeks old this time last year.  We tried to find him another home, that didn't work.  No one we knew or could find would take him.  Funny how they all got cats shortly after.  Shows how much you can count on people.  He's a little over a year old now & has been with us a year.   He came in the door 11/21/23 & I guess he's staying.  He's still growing into cathood, but is already a chunk.  As with most the boy cats we've had, he's won't win any IQ awards.  The older cat, Millie, still doesn't like him.  I think she's decided to think of him as exercise equipment.  

A year out  & the Thanksgiving kitten is still here.  Take care.

Cya...

Tapering...

 

August, the temperature, me being 57;  these are all things coming to an end.  It's all winding down.  I hope the weather doesn't cycle into some other form of difficult beast.  August will always conclude.   

As for me, I'm trying to come to some terms with this year.  I didn't like it & it wasn't enjoyable.  But maybe we can at least part on neutral, even if meh, terms.  That'd be better than where I've been most of 57.  

It's not the getting older that bothers me.  It's the losing things & not having them replaced.  The constant breaking, lessening & tedium.  My roomie seems to be able to find things to look forward to better than I can.  

Life should come with options.  You can taper off & eventually flicker out.  Or you could just opt for the off switch & be done.  Go out in a party, a rage, a song.  Whatever, however, but on your terms.  That'd be nice.  That'd have some dignity, maybe even some elegance to it.  

That's it for now.  Take care.

Cya...

Winding...

 

There's less than 10 days left in my birth year & August.  Neither was enjoyable.  I haven't had a good month since August 2022.  Nicer weather & no drama was what it had going for it.  Since then, it's been crap.  

As for years, I can't remember the last good year.  It certainly hasn't been in the 2000's.   I should've have listened to Prince, the party wasn't meant to last.  Life since then has been some trying zombiefest of both breath taking chaos & utter mind numbing tedium. 

I'm not saying pre-2000 life was a cakewalk.  It wasn't, but it was better than this.  I still had hopes, dreams & good entertainment.  None of that has been here for some time.

Another birthday is rolling up to remind me that I should of got off the carousel a long time ago.  People like me weren't meant to be here this long.  I'm way passed my "best use by date."  I have no real plans for my birthday, we'll see.   I hate being reminded there's no fun left anymore.  I already got the memo.

Cya...

New Year's Eve...

 

It's the last day of December & 2023.  It'd be nice to have a year end & me be content.  Instead, for some time I've been happy to see the year go.  Why are the things we miss, those we can't get back?  Then the stuff we want rid of lingers or returns.

I'd like for 2024 to be better.  I'd like to leave the issues of 2023 in their year.  I hope I can do that.  In a few days it'll be the anniversary of this blog & my diagnosis.  So, old years will be closing out all around. 

I hope your last day is amazing.  May the year bring us all what we need.  It's nearly time to open the door to let the old year out & the new in.  Take care.

Cya...

Last Of 3...

 

We only have 3 more each of Wednesdays - Sundays.  The rest of the weekdays are down to 2.  That leaves only 3 more times taking the trash to the curb in 2023.  Ever year this seems to mean less than the year before.   There used to be so much to get excited about.  Now, I can't even choose something I'd want to get or do for Christmas.  

I hate being like that.  I'm bringing down my own party, such as it is.   But the movie selection is barely mentionable.  The restaurants are questionable.  Most of what I used to like to go do is no longer available.  So the holidays have just become another day.  Just with more crap to handle & no mail.

I'm not upset, just annoyed.  I'm not grinching, I'm just removed.  No longer are there wish catalogs, beautiful lights in my area or a lot of get togethers.  It's just my roomie, our cats & some holiday specials.  

The dissonance of it all is upsetting & off putting.  If everyone has holiday ennui, maybe no one really does.  Maybe the party's over & someone forgot to tell revellers & merrymakers.   There's nothing to revel in, nothing to make merry & little to celebrate, so please kindly, in a orderly manner, go home. 

Maybe it's closing time for a lot things.  That's it for now.  Take care.

Cya...

Less Than...

 

Just a quick note, the clock is ticking on 2023.  There's only 13 days before Christmas & less than 3 weeks left in the year.   New Years Eve is in 19 days.  It's nearly closing time & the ugly lights are coming on.  Soon everyone will scatter like startled roaches.  

2023 was dismal.  If not the worst of the new  millennium, it was definitely near the top.   I wish I could hope for 2024 to do better, but it's an election year.  My only hope for the coming year is that it isn't worse.  

There it is, a reminder of how little is left of 2023.    Take care.

Cya... 

Grains Slipping...

 

It's the 2nd Friday of November. There's less than 2 weeks until Thanksgiving.  There are just 7 full weeks left in 2023.  

13 days until Thanksgiving

20 days until December

45 days until Christmas

51 days until 2023 is over

52 days until the New Year

All that is just 7 weeks & 3 days.  Not much time to finish whatever business you had left with 2023. I doubt much of it will be pleasant.  

We have our dinner plans for Thanksgiving ready to be cooked.  We have tentative plans with a friend for Christmas.  I say tentative because our plans have a way of going sideways when it comes to the holidays.

That's it for now, take care.

Cya...

 

 

Last Line In The Month...

 

We're on the last line of dates in August 2023.   It's only supposed to get into the upper 80s or low 90s today.  That's hotter than we'd like, but it's over 10° lower than we've been.  If we can just lose some of the standing heat, it'd be great.   

My birthday is Friday.  We'll probably do something the day before.  Most places I'd like to go are can have difficult in & outs during high traffic.  It'll be easier on a Thursday.

I really hope it cools down a bit.  Even if it heats again some next week, at least it won't have all this built up to work off of.  We'll have some time to recover from this long week.  Unless I win like a billion dollars in the next few days or all the conservatives die, this will finish out as a pretty sucktastic year.  It'd take something gigantic to save it.

Take care.

Cya...

Last Week...

It's the last week of August 2023 & my birth year.  I've tried to look back at the highlights of this time.  There's a problem.  I can remember some moments & even a few days, but no weeks & definitely not a month.  I don't expect an entire year to be great or even good, but this year was awful most of the time.  The weather, light levels, stressouts, annoyances, etc... were all over the top & uncalled for.  There's been a popular meme this year, calling the weather disrespectful.  Maybe the weather was, but nothing compared to the sheer asshattery of the year. 

I have some birthday plans, we'll see how they hold up.  If they don't, we'll pivot.  I'd been happy if August hadn't decided to stay in swamp mode all month.   This is supposed to be our driest month.  Send this crap back to Louisiana. 

My time with August, this year & Netflix has or is about to come to an end.  I'll miss my Netflix DVD's but the rest of it can get in my rearview mirror & disappear. 

Cya...

It Came back...

 

I don't think anyone asked for it, but the heat came back.  The next week doesn't look pleasant. There isn't much going on here today.  From back to back points, my birth year failed to have a decent month.  

The last decent month we had was last year's August.  I had hoped for a repeat, no such luck.  From September to back it was hot, then sticky, then cold, then frigid, then dark, then stormy, then dark & steamy, then dreary & hot, now we're mostly just hot.  

My birth year went from point of suckage to another.  I don't have any hope this year will be better.  If there's a high point to getting older, it's eluded me.  Mostly it just sucks.

Cya...

2 Weeks...

 

There are only 14 days left in my birth year.  I'll add another year to my time here.  This hasn't been a good year for me.  It may actually be the worst I've had in quite a while.  At least in the early 2020s there was COVID to blame.  Now, I guess it's just me.  

I suppose I'm mostly as well as I ever am healthwise.  But in other ways I've felt blitzed most of the year.  I read on the HIV forums a lot of poz people go through this.  Maybe it's the virus, maybe it's just being tired of having the virus.  Besides my roommate, I talk to very few people IRL.  Everything other people speak to me about is either chattering small talk or HIV.   I really wish I'd never heard the term. 

This year, like most of the 2000s has been a bust for me.  I hope it went better for other people.  It just hasn't for me.   I spent a lot of time panicky & scared as a teenager.  I bounced from place to place just skating by as I could.  But still there were fun times, friends & most importantly, I had at least a bit hope things could get better.  It should've ended then.  I might've been scared, but I at least something to hold on to, even if it turned out not to be real.

The 90s were dark for me.  The 00s were mostly numb & disorienting.  The 2010s were filled with just too many issues to juggle   The 2020s have just been filled with an abyss of endings & unwanted beginnings.

I guess you could say, I don't have hopes for the upcoming year.  It'll probably just slide a little farther down the pole.  They say that fear is mind killer.  If that's so, then hope is the devastator of the spirit.  Just a pretty lie we tell ourselves to get buy.  But the promise never holds when payment comes due.

2023 you sucked!

Cya.

Start Maybes...

 

There might be storms today, the various weather sites can't commit on the matter.  If there are storms, I hope they aren't serious.   There was a house matter we thought we had settled.  It was dropped in our lap on Saturday that it might be as settled as we thought.   Thanks to observing holidays on off-days (which I hate), we won't know anything until tomorrow.

I need to get this year started.  Take out the old, start dealing with the new.  Pay the 1st bills, run the errands beginning the year.  It would seem time for me to take down our scant holiday decorations.  Until next year.

Hope the year is starting well for everyone.  Take cae.

Cya...

Trying To...

 

This has not been a good year, not even a decent decade so far.  I have no reason to assume either will get any better.  I can only ask they not continuously worsen.  There are health matters, climate issues, but  worse of all, the pure crapfest that so many people have allowed themselves to devolve into.  They wallow in anger, greed, misery, blame & so much worse.  Then they fling it like excrement from their foul diapers.  

I don't foresee better times.  I'm just trying to hold on to what little I have so I can keep muddling through.  I might be able to do that.  It won't be pretty, nice or  fun, but I might be able to keep going for a while.  Maybe that's all most of us can do anymore.  The just barely's of it all.  

Sometimes there are reasons people don't trust psychiatrist.  This is a hard time, my life isn't pleasant.  At times it's nerve wracking & depressing.  Do I get depressed?  Yes.  That doesn't mean I have clinical depression.  It means my environment, health, life are in trying, depressing states & I'm reacting.  No psychiatrist is fixing these matters.  I don't know if anyone can.  This path was chosen by the masses.    The masses will have to die off or choose another path for these things change.

Sorry to be depressing, take care.

Cya...

Setting In...

 

It's going to be hot again for the next days, not 100+, but still hot.  Then it'll settle mostly into the low to mid 90s for a while with reasonable overnight temps.  We need this.  Maybe now the lawn guy can mow.  While it's not killer hot or storming for a bit.

The last several days have been cooler.  It's been appreciated.   The strange thing is that you actually start to cool down & relax.  At 1st it's sgreat & then the actual exhaustion you've been carrying sinks in on you.  During Summer people can be like frogs in hot water.  It's hard for us to know how bad off we are while it's happening.  Once you can cool down, your body lets go & the wave of fatigue hits.

This is the last month of my year. My birthday is the 1st of next month.  I can't say I've enjoyed the 2020s at all.  2022 has been no exception to the sequence of failure, disappointment & stress.  What do I want for my birthday wish?  The end of all those things causing all the exhaustion, stress & anxiety in my life.  I know I won't get it, but it'd be nice.

Cya...

OK 2022...

 

2022 began with a lot of noisy rain.  There were also fireworks.  January has started off grey & wet.  I choose to look at as if we've nearly met our monthly rain averages early.  Look at me  trying to be positive.  How rare.  We've had almost 1.5" already this year.  The monthly average is only a little over 2" for January. The rain's supposed to last until this afternoon.   I'd like some sunlight, but I doubt that'll be a thing today. We're heading into some frigid temps for a while.

December closed out 2022.  It had some markers in for me.  Christmas Eve 2021 was the last time I spoke  to my father.  He died 9 days later.   Alice cat passed on the 27th years ago.  Another anniversary was that somewhere in early December 1999, I smoked my last  cigarette.   That's 22 years of not smoking.  That's longer than I was a smoker.  

That's all for now.  Happy New Year.

Cya...

3-2-1 Sunday...

 

After today, there are only 2 more  Sundays left in  the month & 2021.  The year is winding down.  I feel like we're  starting to measure years in terms of COVID.  There was that 1st original year.  Then there was delta, followed by omicron.  We need to ditch this method of year remembrance.

It chilled down again last night.  It's supposed to be pretty chilly for the next couple of days & then warm up a bit.  I doubt there'll be any white Christmases near our area.   Those are pretty, but I can do without it.

Not much going on this morning.  Saw an article on HIV actually recommending condom use.  How novel.  That's it for now, take  care.

Cya...

Strange Winding...

 

This has been a strange year & an odd month.  November's a 1/3 gone & it doesn't feel like it.  It doesn't seem like we're waist deep in the holiday season.

There's 15 Days until Thanksgiving, 45 days until Christmas, 51 until New Year's Eve.  There are only 52 whole days left in 2021, not even 2 months.  It doesn't like the holidays.  It doesn't seem like anything at all.  It's just strange Fall day that doesn't know what to do with itself.

I'm not dealing with holiday issues this year.  I'm not even registering they're nearly here.   Good or bad, holidays used to mean something.  That's been changing for years.  For the last couple of years, they  haven't made a blip with me.  It's just odd.  I'm used to having my issues with them, but not noticing them at all wasn't part of the problem. 

Way to go everyone, we've basically killed the holiday spirit. 

Cya...

Goodbye August, Goodbye Me...

 

This is the last day of August & me for this year.  This is my final day being 54.  This was not a horrible month, but it wasn't a good August.  August should be bright, blazing, dry.  It should be the door closing on Summer.  These days, Summer's here  through most of September.  Labor day used to be the closing of the season party.  Now it's more like a warning that last call's coming soon.  August failed at being Augustic.

For my last birthday, we went to a restaurant we  hadn't been to before.   The food was good, but the atmosphere was weird.  It had nothing to do with the place, it was the effect COVID was having on everything.

I knew we wouldn't go see a movie, but I figured by the holidays things would open enough for that & my roomie's birthday.  My hopes were misplaced.  I knew  COVID was serious,  But  I didn't count on the raging stupidity of the American herd beast.  By October the numbers were soaring.  It meant we did nothing for  my roomie's birthday.  But at least by December there was word of a vaccine.  We signed up in 2020.  We had both doses by April Fools.

Yet, fooled was what we were.  By mid Summer the numbers plummeted & life tried to settle back into a normalcy.  That didn't last long.  Between Summer events, anti-vaxxers, the Delta Strain & school openings, numbers  are soaring  again.

Last year's me was hopeful, not so much this year.   I've spent a  lot of this year angry, stressed, resentful & wishing harm on everyone.  For at least today, I'm trying not to.  I'm trying to focus on this last day I share with August.

My birthday wish is for COVID to come to an end, however that may have to happen.  Line them up & vaccinate them like cattle.  Line them up & shoot them like a firing squad.  Dump them in the deepest parts of the oceans for fish food.  Just bring COVID to and end & don't replace it with something as bad or worse.

Happy last  day to August & me.

Cya...

PS - I get a telemedicine appointment for my Birthday, yay me.