Nothing New, Just Repeat...

Spring is supposed to be about renewal.  I'm not seeing that.  It's all just the same old, same old & sliding into worse.  To be supportive, I have to let myself believe something isn't just possible, but at least somewhat feasible.  The same patterns have played out again & now the slide has happened.  It's nothing new & I can only focus on myself for being complicit by trying to be encouraging.   That's on me.  

It's a couple of steps forward & then years backward.  I just need to accept, this is the best it's going to be & things probably only get worse from here out.  I'm not angry at anyone but myself, just a little disappointed.  

So much for happy renewal.   It's just the same muddy, BS trenches.  I should've known.

Cya...

2nd Friday The 13th Of 2026...

 

This is the 2nd Jason Day of the year & they're back to back.  It's supposed to be sunny today.  I should be enjoying the sunlight, but I'm not.  It's supposed to get frigid this weekend & I'm too frazzled by things to really let the light relax me.   

I keep hoping things will get off the plate so I can unwind, but they don't.  Even when some do, more crap lines up.   I'm tired of trying to focus on the after this bit, instead of now.   It could be May or later before some of this is out of lives.  By then, other BS will probably present itself.

As an adult,  all I really wanted was for sometime in my life where I could feel some happiness & security.  I'm usually too anxious for that.  I don't think those things will ever happen for me.  I'm pretty sure the rest of my leave is only going to slide down into more of this crapfest.  It'd be nice to be wrong about that.

The sunlight & little blue flowers didn't bring me out of the funk this time around.  I probably won't see any hummers again this year.  Dragons are about all that's left besides lightning bugs.  I really am tired of looking over the horizon.  I'd like to be in the now, but the now sucks.  So much for living for today.

Cya...

Different & Same Old....

 

I was going to post about this article yesterday, but things happened.  It's from AmFAR & it's recognizes the current limits of HIV regimens, mostly ARTs.  It proposes the use of immunotherapy to extend the benefits of current meds.  It focused on broadly neutralizing antibodies (bNAbs) and an immune-stimulating agent (a TLR9 agonist).  This wasn't proposing a cure, but a step in a new direction for treating HIV.  Maybe, if this works, it could lead to a functional cure.

I haven't been doing well.  I'm just tired, detached &  ready just to let go.  This has been exhausting.  2026 is going to bring a lot changes to my assistance programs.  The orange asshats say it's for health.  They don't care about any poor person's well being.  They just get off on punching down & harming those who can't really fight back.  If every orange follower would just die, the world would be a better place.

My sister called.  The call itself was benign.  I guess she needed to touch base with me, so she could say did.  Between everything going one, the time of the year, the alleged holiday happening & governmental BS, I'm just over it.   That call just reminded me or how much of an afterthought I've always been to those people related to me.  If I wasn't that I was a bother or nuisance to them.  I have a hard time seeing my life being any worse if I'd never met any of my relatives. 

I didn't need to see 59, another holiday season or 2026.  There won't be anything for me.  My life will continue to descend into worse levels.  So yeah, I don't care about 2026.  It'll only be a worse version of 2025.

Sorry for the bummer, but do give the article a read.  It could be a new direction for HIV treatment.  Take care.

Cya...

3 Points...

 

I have 3 things to post about this morning.  This article is good for me.  It's a piece discussing how ViiV's Dovato is highly effective in treating naive HIV in patients with advanced cases.   There'd been pieces on patients on other regimens prior to Dovato, but this is the 1st time I've seen anything on people starting with the med.

Next, it's brighter this morning & I'm feeling somewhat better.  I'm not completely over this, but I slept a little better last night.   Maybe I'll be over this soon.

Finally, for more than a decade people have been sniping for others to "read the room" or have a little empathy.  Accusing people of being tone-deaf was also common.    It's seems the Democrats did not read the room or any of those other idioms.  Perhaps if the party I voted for had, they'd realized how many people felt disenfranchised by the message they were selling.  However, the Republicans didn't succeed at that well either.  That's obvious by the massive amount of people who simply didn't vote.  

Good news about Dovato.  I'm glad I'm feeling a little better.  I'm trying to come to terms with this political BS.  My wish for those who empowered the orange bastard is, when he finally screws them over, someone in the most vile way laughingly reminds them of who they voted for.  As for the non-voters, maybe they should stay under their rocks.  As for me, I probably will be registered as an independent for the next go around.  

That's all, take care.

Cya...

Just Words...

 

A lot of people write in bumper sticker slogans;  stop the stigma, normalize, thriving not living, close the gap, etc...  These words aren't even serious ideas when it comes to HIV.   They're just pleasant niceties people say to make it seem like you care or have a plan.  

Take stigma, for as long as there's been people, there's been something stigmatized, made bad or taboo.  It started before HIV & will be here far longer.  For better or worse, it's part of human society & has nothing to do with HIV.  It's a social control weapon.  HIV has been here for decades & the stigma associated was already associated with gays & drug users.  This stigma may lessen, but it's not going away.  

You can't force people to normalize anything.  Sometimes it happens, but not by force or hard core suggestive selling.   Most of the matters people say they want regarding HIV & it's treatment/acceptance have little to do with the medical profession.  They're social issues & won't be meted out by a doctor. 

As for thriving not living.  Ha!  I've been HIV+ for 20+ years & not once was I thriving.  A lot of the time, I was barely existing, let alone living.  Stop selling pipe dreams, mantras & meme sayings.  They're easy, changing things for the better is a herculean task. 

Take the hot air you used for "sayings" & put it into a balloon.  At least balloons are fun & might make someone smile.  A single person smiling is worth a hundred reading your bumper sticker philosophy.

Cya...

1st Week Of October...

The 1st week of the month has passed.  It was 7 days of utterly stupid, preventable, unexpected, unnecessary, upsetting bullshit.  All of the BS was nauseatingly stressful.   Every last bit of the anxiety was avoidable.  None of it was our doing.   

That's the problem when people tell something wasn't personal.  It doesn't matter.   If it happened to you & you had to deal with it, does the aim matter?   Maybe it might later or for some reason.  But in the now, the crap is happening to you.  

None of the debacle that happened during the last bit was aimed at us.  Yet it hit us & stressed our lives.   We weren't thought about.  We weren't collateral damage.  We were caught in other people's actions.  There was no thought given to us at all.  It wasn't personal.  But it did personally affect us & we'll be  dealing with the effects afterwards.

This left us were sick & exhausted yesterday.  Hoping it's over for the moment.   Unclenching abit, so some of the anxiety could escape.  Don't tell me it wasn't personal, because I don't care.  I take anything that negatively affects my life & well being fairly personally.  Whoever is responsible should have the same & worse dumped on them.

We're trying to recover.  Take care.

Cya...

More Really...

Yesterday morning didn't start off that great for me.  There was a power blip & I had to reset everything in my room.  I thought if that's all for today, I can handle this.  It wasn't.  

We went shopping & then decided to run over to Fort Smith for some things we can't get here most of the tie.  The trip, itself, at times can be questionable.   Other than the store not having an item in  stock, the trip went well.

We get back just about 2 & run by the mail to send off a letter that needed to get out ASAP.   There was some stuff for my roomie.  She got a notice she needed to refile something.  The problem was the letter was either sent later than stated or got lost in the mail.   The deadline for this refile was the day before she got it.  We ran by the local office & got a little info there.   What could be handled online was, but she still called them just in case.  Her initial wait time was over 149 minutes, not 1 hour & 49 minutes, but 2 hours and 29 minutes.   

She was on the phone for over 2.5 hours.  Luckily she could plug the phone in to charge & have it on speaker.   After finally getting to a representative, she was told, that the matter had already been resolved & she didn't need to do anything further.  To sum this up;  a hellishly late notice, a scare jolt, irritation, 2+ hours lost... all for, "Oh yeah, that's already been handled automatically... you're fine... we don't need anything from you at this time."   No we're sorry for any of it.  

At least it's handled, we think.  But still, on top of everything else in our life, that happened.  Did they not send out the letter when they said did or did the  mail lose it for that long?   We did not need that.

Cya...

More Ugh & Waiting...

 

So much for October.  The search for a new primary care physician may be over.  It's as handled as it can be for the time.  The 1st place I called refused to give me a call back or an answer when I called.  I got an appointment with another PCP, but it's not until December, over 2 months out.   I guess I'll have to call my specialist about meds.   I hate this process.  I really hope this new place works.  I probably won't really calm down about this until I know it's handled well.

Life added more to this dogpile of crap on my life.  I'm heading out to go shopping yesterday morning.   My phone rings & I think it's the 1st primary I called finally returning my call.  It wasn't.  It was my dentist office having to postpone my Wednesday appointment until late November.   Just F'ing wonderful.

Apparently I won the crapfest lottery.   Every alleged professional in my life has decided to flake out & screw me over.  What's worse, is this wasn't aimed at me.  I was caught in the blast of their BS.  I was just acceptable, collateral damage due to their inability to be professional & do their damn jobs.

That's where things stand so far.  Hopefully, this is leftover Sucktember stuff.  Then maybe this month won't utterly suck.  Take care.

Cya...

Not Much...

 

For the last several years, I've accepted things like  COVID & presidential BS have taken priority over people putting out good articles.  But the parade of issues has never stopped.  We're having heat waves, violence, stupid court decisions, still COVID, fires, droughts, etc...  People how much more do you need to see we're in an apocalyptic disaster movie?  The scientists & social leaders gave their warnings & were laughed off.  

I can handle less articles.  I'd really like it if we could all settle our collective asses down long enough to  get through this mess we've created.  I doubt that will happen, so I guess that's that.  I'd love to say it's been nice knowing you, but for most of you out there, it hasn't been.  There were no "good ole days" & at this rate, it's unlikely there will good  tomorrows.

Cya...

A Reason To...

There are many reasons to distrust or  hate our president.   He's bumbling, vain, misinformed, self-centered, etc...  My main reason for disdain, at least for now, is his need to put himself as the center of everything.  He's not the Sun around which we revolve.  He does this with everything he touches.  If he's not allowed to be the center, he pouts.

During his SOTU speech he touted ending HIV transmission by 2030.  Doable, but it won't happen because of him.  Trump is the kind of person you know is lying if his lips are moving.   He doesn't seem capable of telling the truth.  Now, his ego has landed dead center in the HIV fight.  For the past several days, that's what most of the articles have talked about. 

Stop giving oxygen to this troll's fire.   Stop giving him what he wants.   Let him pout.  Let him hold his breath until he dies.  Just stop letting him rent space in your head.  Trump isn't the real problem.  The system & the people that got him into office are.  Focus on that, not him.  He's just a little orange duck lined up for you to shoot at a carnival game.  Look past the curtain.  Trump isn't the wizard, he's just an ugly muppet.

Cya..

Promises, Promises...

Trump, the misogynist who has done almost everything he could to impede the fight against HIV, that man who's made it his policy to go for the absolute lowest blow he could has a plan.  Yes, a plan & it YUGE.   What's the plan & who'd gave it to him?

He's trying to improve his image.  It's not working.  He said there should be paid family leave.  Something he's never shown support for before.   The man who belittled the HIV cause, now wants to end the virus by 2030.  He also thinks we should stop the revenge politics & all kumbaya it out.  

I'm sure all his supporters will think he's the freaking 2nd coming, but he's pitching a sell.   This man cares for nothing  other than himself.   It's unlikely any of this will get done.  If it does, it'll have little to do with him.  

In my world, yesterday went well.  We got bills mostly paid.  Some will get finished on Friday.  I got my labs drawn.   It started raining & is supposed to until tomorrow.  Hopefully, the storms won't get severe.

Take care.

Cya...

Preying On Prayer...

I read an article today about a "prophet" in Africa, claiming he can cure all illnesses, including HIV, via his television broadcasts.   Just pure & utter BS!  I'm not saying an active spiritual life can't help people through illness, but no amount of prayer is going to cure HIV.  If that was the case, the virus would've been dealt with a long time ago.

These alleged faith healers are scam artists & egomaniacs who all share a few things.  They all  love the attention & power their shows get them.  Then again, there's always the money, we can't forget the cash.   It's such a great motivator to prey on the weak, vulnerable & ill.  

There are so many people out there selling false hope.  It just leads to so much more misery & puts a lot of people's health in more danger.  These charlatans should be shot.  Let their prayers heal that.

Cya...

10 Things Lists...

I came across a 10 things list today.  This 1 was the top things people living with HIV hate to hear.    You see these all the time.  The came in every flavor & I generally hate them all.

People are people & every situation they encounter or endure varies among them.   I read the stupid list of 10 thing people with HIV hate to hear.   As usual, I found the list over generalized,  misinformed & having no methodological system behind it.  These things are just bloggers crap list.

A point it made was, we no longer have drug cocktails & modern medications have few side effects.   Total BS on both points.  Just because you change the term doesn't mean we don't still have drug cocktails.  If so, what the hell is it I take every day?   No side effects?  If this person got by with no side effects then they were 1 seriously lucky SOB.   I constantly deal with issues from my meds & I've been on mine for over a decade.

My point here isn't to bash list makers.    Really, it isn't.  My point here is to get people to understand these lists are some bloggers BS attempts to look intelligent & witty.    Don't freak out if you read 1 of these lists & its completely alien to what you've experienced.  Your experience with HIV will be just that, yours.  You may share many similarities with other's experiences & you may have many differences.  That's life, especially life with HIV.

Cya...