Nothing New, Just Repeat...

Spring is supposed to be about renewal.  I'm not seeing that.  It's all just the same old, same old & sliding into worse.  To be supportive, I have to let myself believe something isn't just possible, but at least somewhat feasible.  The same patterns have played out again & now the slide has happened.  It's nothing new & I can only focus on myself for being complicit by trying to be encouraging.   That's on me.  

It's a couple of steps forward & then years backward.  I just need to accept, this is the best it's going to be & things probably only get worse from here out.  I'm not angry at anyone but myself, just a little disappointed.  

So much for happy renewal.   It's just the same muddy, BS trenches.  I should've known.

Cya...

Too Much...

 

I've really needed some nothing days, they haven't been showing up.  I thought yesterday was going to be, but later in the afternoon, my roomie's computer died.  She offered to wait, but it needed done & we might've had to order something.  Now, there's the crap of setting up a new system.

I'm angry that I woke up this morning.  I really didn't want to.   The car screwed up, the computer crashed, the weather's sucked, the phones were being weird; it's more than I can handle.  My body reacted last night & my stomach starting cramping & making me nauseous.  I was in the bathroom a lot from it.  I didn't sleep well & I'm achy.  Waking up isn't anything but a promise of more BS to come.

That's all for now.  At least the trash ran.

Cya...

Alright, No More...

 

My roomie & I really do try to plan for things.  Even if those "plans" are only tentative, contingent or just thoughts on strategies for this or that.  We do put in an effort.  Too bad, more often than not, other things, often nonchalant people, trash our plans. 

We had this week laid out.  It was going to be busy as it was.  But yesterday, my roomie found out her appointment had been moved.  Instead handling that today, we'll have to move shopping & she'll go tomorrow.  It's doable, but this was done last minute,  without regard for any fallout on her.  We don't have to be at the top of the list, but I'm really tired of us being an afterthought.

Things like this cause wrinkles in every other plan following.  It shows a certain level of disrespect.  It's hard, aggravating & eventually it takes a toll on your well being.  No one wants to last on the list or just plain forgotten everytime.

That's all for, take care.

Cya...

Day After 1st Of The Year...

 

Again, another nothing day got interrupted.  This really pisses me off.  The stuff that happens could happen on any other day, but no, it has to happen on a day I just wanted to do nothing.  I'm tired of being understanding about it, knowing things need to get done, etc... BS BS BS. 

I was spent & just need a bright day of nothing to recharge.  It was going well until I heard the lawn guy mowing.  There went my day.  Now I had to deal with yard crap.  This yard is just another thing in my life that I seriously hate.  After all the noise, dust, debris, sprays & traipsing around the yard, I feel like crap.  

The damned yard is mowed, the skies are grey, it may storm & I feel like crap.  Another great damned midweek. 

Cya...

Oh Well Maybe Not...

 

I was hoping to be better by now, but I'm not.  Stuff keeps happening; the damned wind, the lack of morning light, pending storms, etc...  I just can't get my footing.  It's very tiring & the rest of the month looks to be crappy weather.

I've really been trying to get through this, but at the moment that isn't happening.  I'm not waking well & by the time I feel decent, the day's almost over.  Every year it's taking longer for me to get past this.  SAD sucks.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

It's Here...

 

The fret & dread are back.  I hate the seasonal darkening.  It feels like an attack on my well being.  A month ago, the light lasted well past 8.  Now it's sundown before 7.  There's already less than 12 hours of light in the day now.  I wish I could shut down when there was less than half a day's worth of sunlight.  

With no fans going, I can hear every noise.   Something's been waking me just before 7 AM for weeks.  It's a lot of outside crap making noise I can hear now.  To hell with morning birds, people, trains, etc...  It's cool enough the cats feel like roughhousing all night.  The cool down is changing how I sleep & how sore I am because of it. 

I hate waking up.  Nothing good ever comes of waking up.   I know there will be BS when I wake up, I'm just not sure what that will be.  What screwed up?  What needs fixed?  What did the cats do?   Am I what's messed up?  

As much as I love looking at the moon, I hate dusk & dawn.  Let it be bright or dark, but the middle crap is awful.  Shove the dismal somewhere I never have to deal with it again.   I will never understand the people who like the dismal, overcast, cloudy, foggy, dreary days.  I have serious questions concerning their character. 

I wish I didn't have to sleep.  That's when the defenses go down.  That's when we fool ourselves with dreams.  That's when stress gets creative & screws with those dreams.  Most of all, if I didn't have to sleep, I wouldn't have to wake.  If a person must sleep, they should have the option of never waking.

Little, if any good, ever comes from waking.

Cya...

Understanding...

 

Things in my life have been challenging for so long, I'm almost always just on the edge of losing it.  It's less about losing my temper & more about having a mini to massive meltdown.  I can maintain some level of facade if things are going OK, but I don't have much left to deal with anything going sideways.

In the past, when I've talked to people about my family they don't get it.  They don't understand how someone could fall so deeply into being drunk or addicted.  They can't fathom just leaving things behind.  They don't see how these people could just explode & leave chaos in their wake. 

The thing is, I do.  I do see how it happened.  I don't agree or accept it, but I understand it.  I can see very well how easy it would be to just let go & dive into oblivion.  To just go out the door & never return.   I can picture everything that my parents did & how they got there.  I've done my best, when I could to avoid their paths, it hasn't always worked.  Sometimes their ways would've been so much easier, at least for a while.

This is why I don't buy the sympathy & empathy bit.  Too many people can't wrap their heads around people like my family.  So much for their alleged empathy.  My parents were very broken people.  It doesn't excuse what they did, but it explains a lot.  They were broken by people before them, like their parents.   The cycle goes on, until sometime steps out.  Stepping out of a thing like isn't easy & often not successful.

You can't have empathy or sympathy for something you can't relate to.  To do either requires an understanding most people don't have.  In my case, I hope they never have.  I don't ask for your sympathy.  It'd be nice if you could be more understanding, compassionate & kind.  But I have no need for you sympathy or empathy.  Those things are nice, but being nice is cheap.  Being kind can be hard & costly.

Take care.

Cya...