Revolving Dread...

 

There are 3 full days left in 2025.  The entirety of the 2000s has been a crapfest for me.  It's ranged from unpleasant to WTF happened & what did anyone do to deserve that?  I can't give any year of the 2000s a rating above tolerable at best.  The flavors & intensities of misfortunes have changed, but they all were horrid in their own way.

2026 is about to roll in & I'm dreading it.  I'd really be fine with not seeing it at all.  I hope good things come for those around me.  But, I don't see anything in my life going any direction but down.  

Some flickers did happen.  A few houses on nearby blocks had some lights.  If I looked the right way I could see them for a brief time.  Last night, the neighbors left their drapes open & I actually saw their Christmas tree lit up.  It was a pleasant surprise.   Did it change overall holiday?  No, but it did make last night just a little easier to handle.

The holiday is over, I'm exhausted & let down.  Now there's the threat looming just over 72 hours away.  I'm not sure why, but there's no reason to expect anything good out of 2026 & the orange bastard.  It'd be nice to be wrong.  

Take care.

Cya...

Nothing For Eve...

 

For quite a while I hated on the holidays.  Then I grew indifferent to the idea.  My roomie & I had our own things we did & it was fine by me.   For years, I tried to avoid the holidays, now it seems like they're avoiding me.

I watch holiday specials with my roomie.  I probably wouldn't on my own, they're a little too nostalgic at times.  The specials, the songs, the season all seem like hollow promises.  Maybe they were a well meaning trick & eventually we all figure out it's a show.  But the suggestion that there would be good times, friends, family, food, presents, songs, lights, etc... never seems to hold up.

They say it's better to have experienced some things once & then lost them, than to never have had them at all.  I don't agree.   Even with the few good times with my family, the happy holiday events & other moments of seasonal joy, I think I'd rather not have known them.  Now, I have to deal with the reality of it all.  I was a little kid & it wasn't real.  I could've lived without that.

Even though I can enjoy holiday specials, I can see the damage they do & unkept promises they made.  There isn't always tomorrow to make your dreams come true.  You probably won't be rewarded for being good.  The twinkling lights will go out.

Sorry to be a downer, but this year's been weird & rough.  The only light's I'm seeing this year are ours & I just can't seem to get lost in them like I used to.  I've tried listening to the music & I just get annoyed.  This isn't holiday hate or even avoidance.  There just isn't anything there & that feels wrong on a lot of levels.  Even when I avoided holidays, they were still there.  Now, there's this weak, politicized, commercialized suggestion of what used to be.  I feel like I've been sent on a snipe hunt for Christmas.   But, you can't find what doesn't exist.

I'd like to think next year will be better, but things have been going downhill for years.  I doubt another year will make a difference.  This isn't bah humbug, it's just nothing.

For those celebrating, may it be grand time with lights, laughter & song.  

Make some memories.

Cya...

The 5th...

 

There'll still be lingering fireworks for a bit, but the holiday has passed.  It wasn't all that great either.  Each year the fireworks get smellier, smokier & do less.  When we 1st moved to this house, we could sit on the porch & watch the show.  It'd easily clear the treetops by 2 - 3 times.   There'd a loud rumble boom & then the lights.  Then unfortunately, the smoke.  Each year, the lights in the sky got lower & the treetops obscured more of the show.  Last night, unless I looked at a very specific angle, the fireworks were completely concealed by the trees.  The booms were louders & the air was filled with more smoke & odors, but the lights were hidden.

Just like with everything else, the show has gotten more expensive.  While the event happened, the pyrotechnics were much lower quality.  They paid as much or more for the show & got less each passing year.  In a few years, it'll just be sparklers on a podium.

All the 4th brought us was noise, litter & smoke.  My head is dealing with the aftermath this morning.  My eyes, nose & throat are hating it.  Glad this only happens once a year.

On to other news, this article, actually an abstract from the National Library of Medicine of the NIH.  Deals with the idea that even if a cure for HIV were found, it wouldn't solve everything for those living with the virus.   This is something I've personally thought & worried about.  They made 4 points.  1) a cure for HIV would not deal with health damage already incurred from or exacerbated by the virus.  2) you'd still have to deal with the stigma of being the person who had HIV.  This could make reentering "normal"  life difficult or impossible; try finding a job after a decade with no work experience due to being HIV+.  3) People who were cured could lose all public assistance leaving them more economically vulnerable.  4) There's no guarantee a cure would be available to everyone.  Without the means to aid people who've been living with HIV for years of decades, a cure could be more problematic than the virus.

That's it for now.  Hope you had a good holiday.  Give the article a read.  Take care.

Cya...

That's That...

 

The holidays are passing & Christmas 2024 is a memory.  There are a few still happening & the old year is winding down.  I hope things realize that not every year has to be worse than what came before.  It's not some childish competition.  

At the moment we have new year's plans.  They could happen, but there were also previous holiday plans that went askew.   We'll see when we get there.

It's been a dismal holiday week.  Last night was disappointing.  We were the only house in the neighborhood with any lights on & twinkling.  All we had was a really 3 light candle for the window.  Still, it was more than the rest of them.  

Even with all the drama & awfulness, I sometimes still miss the holidays when I was a kid.  At least then, things could be bright, cheerful & distracting.   I could muster a bit of spirit & pretend things might get better.  That, like most the fun things of my past are gone, just lost, abandoned memories some of us still treasure.  Gen X really should just off everyone else & let things end with us.  At least we could have a decent party.

Take care.

Cya...

Happy Holidays...

Well, it's Christmas & New Year's is next week.  So far it's gone as well as it usually does for us.  We'll have dinner later & that'll be about the end of it.  The decorations will stay up for a while, at least until the new year.  

I never have high expectations for the holiday season, but this time has seemed pretty flat.  There were so few lights & so much humbug & dread.  It's strange how let down you can feel about something you really weren't into all that much.  It's just a big game of anticipation followed by a crash of bright lights, noise & shredded paper.  Then like that, it's over.  Holidays aren't like sex or pizza.  If you had so-so or even bad  sex or pizza, you still at least had sex or pizza.  Off or bad holidays are unfulfilling let downs, that leave marks, questions & hollow feelings.

I hope for everyone else, the holidays were grand.  For me, I'm just ready for them to move on & not have to think about them for another year.  It's bad enough when I'm not good with holidays, but when everyone else jumps on board, that's a little much.

Take care & may the rest of the year be kind to you.

Cya...

Now Dash Away...

Christmas happened.  I wish I could say I handled it well, but I didn't.  The hardness of this year's holidays snuck up on me.  It wasn't my old disdain.  It was a hollowness that wouldn't let up.   A series of reminders of how it wasn't what I needed.  I don't even know what that'd be anymore.  I don't need things that could fit under a tree.  I don't need things that can be bought.  The things I need are more of a state of mind or income bracket.  Nothing that's going to be addressed by a gift or outing. 

I saw precious few lights this year.  Maybe they're like my hummers & dragons & fading away.  The numbers dwindled & the Winter night was just cold & dark.  Someone like me, shouldn't be the person trying to stoke the holiday embers.  I don't have that in me.

We watched our last holiday special last night, How The Grinch Stole Christmas.  During his coup on the holiday, he found the holiday still arrived without all the trappings.  A lovely thought.  In my life, it's mostly been the opposite.  Even with all the lights, presents & food, the holiday never really came.  The season may have been bright & merry, then the guest of honor, Christmas, failed to show.  The day arrived & the event happened.   But the magic, the promise, the specialness never materialized.  It was just a long con, that left a mess of wrapping, boxes, leftovers & unmet dreams. 

I tried not to be a downer this holiday.  I pretty much failed at that.  I may have been more than others could handle.   I may have darkened the day more than I thought.  I really wasn't fit for company, not even with myself.  

Maybe 2023 was just too hard on me & I just couldn't.  Maybe next year there will be more lights.  Maybe there will come a time when I just can't do this at all anymore, but for now I'll try.  The biggest thing the holiday & it's specials try to pitch is hope.  Maybe I'm just too tarnished for that anymore.

I hope your holiday was grand.

Cya...

Merry Christmas...

 

Christmas is here.  I think the reason A Charlie Brown Christmas is meaningful is that many people find it so relatable.  The characters range from oblivious to removed & rejected.  Only Linus is aware of the holiday's meaning.  Sally wants things.  Most the other children are in their own little world.  Charlie Brown questions it all, especially why he feels left out.  While the jaded Lucy tries to manipulate the situation to her best advantage, knowing she'll be disappointed.  

The story is actually about a boy's attempt to find the meaning & acceptance of the holiday.  Charlie Brown saves a poor, little tree from abandonment.  Doing so  gives the other children find a chance to salvage the holiday spirit in themselves.  Things need love, understanding & acceptance. 

For many of us, the holiday spirit is fleeting & soon gone.   I'm ready for this to go back in the box.  I love the lights, but they're reminders of what was, wasn't & will never be.  None of which I can alter.  They bring not quite discomfort, but too much awareness of things not in my life.

They say accepting life is how to live it well.  Once I accepted life, I realized I was never going to have the few things I ever wanted.  Then there wasn't a reason to live well or otherwise.  A lot of us are just watching things go while we wait for our stop.  If the point was to have a good journey, then I failed.  That's nothing new for me.  

For some people the holidays are important.  For some of us they're just reminders we aren't important.  It'd be easier for me if these days were just denotations on the calendar, bearing no more weight than the 3 o'clock does on a clockface.  Oh yes it's Winter Solstice, the days will start getting longer.  It's Spring Equinox, growing will begin in earnest and so on.  As for remembrance days & thanks days, do we really remember anything or be thankful?  Or are they just days off for some people?

A lot of places are closed today.  Some are happy for that.  For others, it's less places to go other than stay home alone.  Holidays are supposed to be pleasantries wrapped in pretty bows.  For some of us they're just reminders of our place in things.

Merry Christmas to all, but remember for some people these are hard times.  Take care.

Cya...

So This Is...

 

Growing up, we're filled with a lot of other people's ideas, notions, delusions, hopes, beliefs...  Most of this focuses on how things are, will or should be.  These things come from our families, friends, peers, leaders, media, etc... The problem is these ideas rarely hold up to when tested.  

We're told how we should live.  We're given work ethics & expectations.  They tell us of wonders, horrors, gods, heroes & villains.  But these things are what they were told by those who came before them.  Ours is a culture of should be's & not what is.

A specific point would be the holidays.  My roomie & I were raised with certain notions about the Christmas & what it should be.  Her experience is different than mine, her birthday's in the mix.  But the expectations of the holidays never held up.  They always started off right but then went askew.  They never provided what was alluded to & in the end were always a let down.

Now, being the kids we were, we questioned if this was somehow our doing.  I'm sure we would've got blamed for it if we asked.  But after the holiday specials, pretty lights, decorations & food; it all went back to normal.  The production of it all became apparent.  It was just a show we put on for ourselves. 

As adults, we used to try to emulate those early memories of Christmas.  Slowly we let them slide.  It was weird to do that.  It felt a bit like failing.   But, as time went by, we defined what the holiday would be for us.  Instead of a single big day, we'd try to do little things throughout the month.  We'd try for things to brighten up our lives without hoping for some grand event that would never come.

Are our holidays grand?  No, but that may be beyond what we can muster any more.  What they are is, ours.  They're our holidays.  They fit us & our wants, needs.  It's taken time to accept, but I think we have.  Now, after holiday our redefinition, it seems maybe a lot of other people are undergoing the same process.  What do these days mean to us?  What do we want/need out of them?  What are we willing/capable of doing for them without harming ourselves now or later?

Christmas isn't gone for us, but it's not what it was.  Part of me misses that.  I miss the lights, laughter & grandness.  I miss Winter parties at the theatre, huge parades & driving around looking at lights on beautiful homes.  But those things are memories now.

Sometimes acceptance feels like failure.  May be it is or maybe it's just letting the curtain drop & seeing the reality of it all.  A part of me will always have wished this was a lesson I hadn't had to learn.  But there are so many of those in our lives.

Take care, Happy Holidays.

Cya...

Hello September & New Year For Me...

 

September's here & I hope it goes better than last year.   It's also my birthday.  We went out yesterday.  The outing was a bit nicer than the meal, but we hadn't been to the place in a couple of years.  

Fort Smith restaurants are pretty bad about inconsistency & sliding downhill after a bit.  I can handle a place being consistently meh better than I can if it's erratic.  Especially if the chance of getting poor food comes with a high ticket. It's been over a decade since we've had anywhere over there we could hit more than a few times before it turned to crap.  1 out 3 Wendy's has been our most consistent place over the years.   Not exactly a place for birthday fare. 

I have a telemedicine appointment next Wednesday.  I wish they'd just do this over the phone.  It's just going over labs.  I know what they are.  Still, I have to go somewhere & listen to someone tell me what I already know.  

So far my roomie is the only person I know that has or will say something about my birthday.  There have been some people on Facebook & some computer generated cards from businesses, but that's it.   I guess the worse thing about later birthdays for me is never really wanting anything for them anymore.  Even if I did want something, it'd be something I got myself & that makes it sort of pointless.  

There was a message on my voicemail this morning.  I figured it was either spam or some computer wishing me a happy birthday.  No, it's why I always get calls.  It was about my HIV & the specialist reminding me of my appointment.  I appreciate the reminder call.  But still did the 1st call I get on my birthday have to be about HIV? 

Try to do well September & Happy B-Day to me, woohoo.

Cya...

A Bit Warmer...

 

The cold has been getting to me.  I don't feel well & my mood is more off than normal.  I really can't handle the cold & dark of Winter.  This season gets to me physically, emotionally & spiritually.  It's just cold shadows of nostalgia for things lost.  Sometimes for things that never were.   

Nothing comes easy for me this time of the year.  So far, neither of us have come down with our typical holiday sickness.  Maybe we can avoid it this year.  The last week of the year is a hard time for me.  It's when I have face it that the holidays have left me feeling flat once again.  2022 brought precious little good, but truckloads of awful & horrendous.  I'm very tired.  It'd been really nice for 2023 to be decent, but I doubt it will be.  There wasn't much in the way of holiday magic & I'm out hands to help miracles along.

That's all for now.  May this year wind down peacefully for everyone.  Take care.

Cya...