Outing & True Colors...

 

We went to see a movie yesterday & it went well.  The only real annoyance was all the stoplights.  I hate blinking yellow turn lights.  It was a pretty good day for us.

As the year ends, there are memes thanking the year for showing the poster the "true colors" of people around them.  It makes the round every December.  

If you pay attention to what people do more than they say, they're almost always telling you who they really are.  Sometimes you get surprised & can only roll with it.  I'm sure a lot of posters are referring to the election this year.  I wish it hadn't gone this way, but I'm not surprised.  There are too many people who can't handle the thought of a woman in charge, especially a woman of color.  There were too many people who couldn't get off the butts & vote.  Finally, fortune doesn't usually lean my way.

You don't have to be a mind reader to know people's "true colors", just pay attention.  Whether it's politics, life or movie reviews, people can't help outing themselves.  Sometimes we try too hard to see people as we'd like them to be & not as they are.

Take care.

Cya...

Broken...

 

I've seen a lot of broken people on TV lately.  Characters on trashy dramas, British crime series & even reality shows.  Sometimes damaged or hurt people are confused for the broken.   But the damaged & hurt faced trauma or hardship as adults.  The truly broken's entire childhood was a series of abuse, suffering, neglect, deprivement, abandonment...  A damaged adult might recover, the broken don't.

My roomie asked me a simple question.  Did I love our new kitten.  I didn't really answer.  I disdain that word sometimes.  Love isn't a thing I really get, ever really felt & definitely do not understand.  I can be very attached to people & things.  I can care greatly for them.  I can be hurt when they're gone.  But I don't know if that's love.  I don't know if that's something, I'm really capable of.  Maybe that's the case with  a lot of aromantics.  

I am among the broken.  We tend to find others.  Sometimes we get around those who aren't broken.  It doesn't tend to go well for either side.  They think we can be fixed or just get over it.  We tend think they're naive & someday will fall hard.  

The broken can try to support other broken people.  It doesn't always go well.  We're trying to put a puzzle together missing pieces.   Neither side is solid & both are fraying.  

Broken people are like zombies, we can spread out breakage.  To the innocent, seeing the breakage in process can be a horror show.  Trying to understand a broken can be overwhelming & many have to leave.  Children of the broken are almost guaranteed to be broken.  It's generational & contagious.   There is no real cure except avoidance.

I do my best to look after the stray cats.  It's not much, but it's what I can do.  They didn't ask to be out there scared, hungry & alone.   But broken people can only hold on for so long before we break again.  Many of us would love to give the charity we never received.  But we can't.  We don't have the resources or the reserves.  It just reminds us how futile it all is & how broken we are.

I do care for the kitten.  I don't know if I love anything.  I thought I did as a kid, maybe I even did then.  But now, that's an emotion as distant & weird to me as any sci-fi alien.  I don't get it.  I'll do what I can for the kitten, but I will get annoyed & frustrated.  I'll try to help those around me, but I can't do much.  I've spent most my life around other broken people & they could only ever do so much.  It's never enough.

To the "normal" people that have been in my life.  Some of you ran away because my life was too much.  Some of you were arrogant enough to try to fix me.  Most of you were foul tempered beasts sniping from some perceived high ground.  You may not have been broken, but that didn't mean you were good people or better than me.  It just meant you were vile, judgy and hateful.  Maybe that was your kind of breakage.

Sorry for the downer post. 

Take care.

Cya...

Not Surprised....

 

Irritated, but not surprised.  Yesterday, a majority of the people showed how disgustingly predictable they were.   Americans & Oklahomans, both choose to dig deeper into the mire instead of looking for a way out.  A lot of voters were party zealots.  Probably more,  were just impatient brats that didn't get what they wanted out of the Biden administration on Day 1.  I'd love to blame it on voting being a scam.  But, I think it's just the sheer hateful, indulgent stupidity of voters.  This is why I can't stand most people.

Cya...

Oh Well...

 

I didn't have high hopes for anything, but I thought maybe I could get a single good day to start the month.  I'm not sure why I had such expectations, I don't get those things anymore.  November started off with carry over BS, things breaking, needs for my attention to do things & people in poor, snappy moods.  

I just needed a day without crap, especially new crap, even if it was potentially a good thing.  I just needed a day.  I'm back to dreading mornings.  I have no idea what's lurking out there.  What's going to break, need something or snap.  This has been going on for a long time now.  I'm just about to retreat to my room, close the door & not come out.  Let everything & everyone else fix their own shit.  I can barely handle mine, some times, not even that. 

My rant is over for a bit, but the crap will keep coming.  Oh well, a good month would've been nice.  I guess that's why I didn't get it.

Cya...

Last Weekend In August...

 

It's near the end of August.  This month flew by unlike July.  There isn't much going here this weekend.  That'll pop up during the busy week ahead.  

I'm to the point where I doubt the insanity of this world is ever going to calm down.  Some people enjoy it too much.  They need it to feel something, it's their drug.

The world is filled with people who would help but can't.  The opposite is also true.  The few in the middle that can & will are almost always overwhelmed & on the verge of breaking.   If every person did a small bit, serious problems could be solved.  But that's real cooperation & it will never happen.

People, a source of never ending amazement & horrifying disappointment.  I don't think we're worth it.  Maybe someday something will shake etch-a-sketch & we'll be  gone, not even a memory.

Cya.

Not Great...

 

My 50's haven't been that great.  Between health issues, the climate & sociopolitical BS, these last  years have mostly sucked.   My health has taken some serious hits, but those weren't as bad as the climate changes & politics.  People caused all the issues I'm dealing with & I already mostly despised most people.  These things didn't help my opinion of them.

I saw a cat & her kitten this morning.  I put out some food & water.  With the 2 cats we have, we can't really deal with any more.  Our siamese is geriatric & the other cat is pretty hateful of others.  The 2 outdoor cats came over easily, so I think they're local.  Most kittens would've been too scared to come close if they'd not been around people.  Hopefully, they'll be alright.  Why is it always, the people who would help can't & those who could, won't?  Again, I have no use for most people.

Cya...

A Little Strange...

Starting over can always be weird with anything.  You're not sure if what things will be like this time around.    I can get this way about anything from places I used to  go, TV shows I watched last season, places I eat, etc...  My roomie had guests over yesterday & it's 1 of the few times she's been around more than 1 other person at a time.  It was probably strange & a bit tense.  Luckily, the visit seemed to have gone well.  Thanks for for the social weirdness COVID.  

Speaking of, our numbers were going down.  We were under a 1,000 cases.  Now, due to variants, vaccine refusers & idiots; numbers are rising.  We're over 2,000 cases.  Line those damn asshats up  & jab'em.   I'm tired of worrying about COVID.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Tired Of It...

 

I'm tired of this last year & all those idiots that made it worse than it had to be.  I hate the way people at all levels handled COVID-19.  We could have been out of this by now, if there'd been proper management & standards set in the beginning.

Now this Winter hell is here.  During COVID there were shortages at the store.  Those were nothing compared to what I saw my last trip to the store.  There have been warnings & issues from the electric & gas companies.   There were outages & shutdowns.  Now there are water issues.  We've had crappy water pressure for days & we've been warned we could run out if people don't conserve.   If that happens, beyond the very real inconvenience, pipes could be damaged.

I hate this last year & this Winter.  Mostly I despise it because of how stupid, selfish & uncooperative  so many people have been.  With proper management 2020 wouldn't have been pleasant, but it could've been handled.  With proper  standards, our utilities & infrastructure wouldn't be such a crap show at the moment.  There were outside factors, but they could've been handled.  All it would've taken was people pulling their heads out.

Cya...

Not Great...

 

I'm not having a great morning.  I generally don't anymore.   Ever since I began recovering from being out of the hospital at the beginning of the year I've been dealing with other people's BS.  Some of it's mine, but mostly others.  People have been stressed, fraxious & difficult.  I'm done with it.  I can't even have a moment to tend to my own needs without being exposed to other peoples'.  

My computer is still a mess & will have to be replaced.  I hate that process.  The tool I ordered for the yard is still lost in limbo & no one's certain about it.  I wish they'd just give up & refund it.  The yard help "may" be happening.  The weather is weird.  The light's not great.  I need to get labs drawn.

Add to this, the lingering election crap.  I'm done.  I can't care about any more of it.  I haven't been able to come down since March.   Between COVID & this election, people have used up my last bits of strength.   I can't handle any more of anyone else's BS.  Not when no one's really helping with mine.  COVID is here & the election will be what it is.  Done.

Cya...

Wound Up...

 

It used to be I was the only 1 getting wound up this time of year.  The seasonal yick was beginning & I was getting nervous.  Don't get me wrong, it is & I am.  However, it's worse now.  With COVID & this election, it seems like the whole world jumped in this little alcove of anxiety with me.  

Sometimes, it's the more, the merrier.  That isn't now.  Being anxious & stress ridden is bad enough when I'm the only person going through it.   But when everybody else is as well, it's too much.   It feels like there's very little solid ground & what's left, keeps eroding.  

I'm trying not to have a bad morning.  Sometimes, I can manage that, but it's never easy.  Now, with everything else falling apart & other people losing themselves to this, it's even harder.  I know they don't mean to add to my stress, but they do.  Worse than that, they're crowding in & destroying what few anchors I had left.  I really don't like most people. 

What I can say, people need to find a way to lessen these stress levels,   If not, we're a clock wound to tight.  Soon, the gears will grind & the springs will break.  Something has to give & it might be the people.

Maybe tomorrow there'll be articles & it'll be less about me.  Take care.

Cya...

Mid Month Grey...

 

It's as mid October as you can get & it's an overcast morning.  I woke to the garbage truck passing by & a cat demanding petting.   At least the  trash is gone & the cat's happy.  But, damn it's grey.

It looks like the 80s are gone.  It won't be long before the 70's join suit.  I hope it doesn't plunge into cold weather too quickly.   The thought of Winter exhausts me.  

I'm in a state of low-grade loathing of most things at the moment.  I'm over people & their stupidity.  I'm way passed tired of this COVID crap.  On top of all that, grey skies are soon to be here for the duration.   Let's not forget Windows updates are still a crap-fest.   If all of those & more could just disappear & I'd be happy.  Since that isn't going to happen, I guess I'll have to figure out something else.

Take care.

Cya...

Fog Fading...

 

I woke to a foggy morning, but now the sun is burning it off.   I'd like to think that was a sign for my life & maybe things will start clearing up.  Maybe, but I've never been good with belief things.  Myself, my roomie, my state & just about everyone needs things to start clearing up so we can get our lives back. 

There are a great many people & things doing their utmost to keep life in disarray.   Like they need people scrambling & off balanced.    There's no reason for that to be needed unless you're up to no good.  To all the people on both sides of the fence, stop fussing, fighting, protesting, rallying, etc...   Go home, be safe, wear masks, wash your hands, be sensible & lets try to move on from this COVID mess.

Take care, be decent to everyone.

Cya...

No Big Secret...

Over time, you have to accept some ugly truths about people.  Articles detail the major obstacles for those living with HIV.  They face homelessness, food insecurity, inability to access doctors/meds, stigma, financial strain.  The issue isn't they're HIV+, the problem is society is callous & depraved.

Those issues are faced by people around the world who don't have HIV.   The same issues people have always faced.  If this country wanted, it could've ended these issues for everyone.  But, we live in a world that hates the poor.   They further victimize the unfortunate.   The world that is like a weird coliseum.   We watch to see how long the poor can outlast their fate.  We observe, we boo & laugh when they fall.

Truth is, most people are monsters.  They may not attack you, but they'd gladly watch as get mauled.   They'd sell popcorn & charge viewing fees.  Shows like The Purge & Hunger Games are popular, because some people would really like to see it happen.  That's our world.

It's not a secret, just a horrible truth.

Cya..

Over It...

This month hasn't been good for me.  I've been ill.  It's been hot.  Things wear out.  Stores have been crappy.  People are being snitty, difficult & stupid.  I'm just too spent to deal with any of it.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to again.  I hate everything that's stressing me out.  It all needs to end.  I can't do this crap much longer.   Everything needs to pause for a few minutes & people need to aim better.  I'm done.

On a good note, it did rain about an inch yesterday.  Still short by 3" for the month.  But, at least we got that much.  

Cya...

Research Why's & Goodbye July...

This piece asks the very important question, why aren't novel HIV treatments ever in the now? It's a good read about how many research publishers use click-bait titles to lure readers & build false hopes for many with HIV.  It's about the steps in research.  It's a good article, give it a read.  

This is the last day of July.  It's been a decent month.  The month wasn't the problem it was the people.  This is the best time of year for me.  I can get lots of light.  I try to enjoy it.  A lot of my little joys are missing this year.  There aren't many hummers or dragons & most the flowers are somehow less than normal.  I've enjoyed watching the squirrels & rabbits.  Too bad the little beasties bring fleas.  

But so many people have embraced f'ery this year.  There's a lot of rage, stupidity, dullness & depression everywhere I look.   I've mostly retreated to my room.  Right now, I'm losing my chance to recharge so I can avoid other people's crap.  I'm really sick of it.  By the time they all calm their asses down, the light will be gone & I'll have to deal with the drear again.  To all you screwing up my Summer, F' OFF!  Stop messing with the only season I feel mostly OK with the world.  If you don't, don't make it my issue. 

Goodbye July.  Here's to August, hope it's bright & shiny.  

Cya...

Still Out Of Practice...

My roomie's uncle came down yesterday.  Then her brother & his family showed up.  There have never been that many people in the house since I've lived here.   It was interesting, but also a bit overwhelming.  I'm not used so many people being that near for that long.  The older cat hid in my room the whole time.  The younger lined everyone up & demanded pet tolls.  

It's morning now & the sun is out.  The house is back down to my roomie, the cats & myself.   I don't really mind being around people, if it's somewhere I can leave when I'm ready.  Can't just up & leave when they're in your home.

That's it for now.  We've have to go shopping.  Take care.

Cya...

Disconnected...

I feel disconnected with the people around me.  Even though we're in the same place, we aren't really.  I will always be that kid swinging out synch with everyone else.  While they're up, I'm down. While they're high to the front, I'm high to the rear.  I'm almost where they are.  I can hear them, see them, but the connection is tenuous.

Right now, it's HOT!.  I get that & it's getting to me a lot.  But, it's also bright in the mornings, so I can wake up & feel like my world isn't falling apart at the edges.   I can get around & have far less anxiety to chase away.  That's all due to the light & I know it won't last.  Soon, it will darken & I'll be in that place again. I should be able to really enjoy this time while I have it.

But, I can't.  Like I said, I'm out of touch with people.  Apparently, most people want the dark & dismal.  They hate the time of year when I can finally feel better.  I can't even enjoy this, because they're feeling bad about the Summer.   They hate the light & warmth. The thing that lets me wake up, be a little happier, enjoy my flowers, Hummers & Dragons, makes them miserable.  

As hot as it is, I'm a Summer child.  The light can be overwhelming, but it's what lets me be me for a least a little while.  The rest of the time, I'm miserable.  I'm tired of thinking that I have the seasonal issues, maybe it's everyone else whose screwed up.  Maybe it's just their turn on the wheel.  This season may make it hard on me at times, but at least there are moments I feel alive.  I don't feel like that the rest of the time.  I wish I could just sleep through the rest of the year.  It's not like I'd be missed, except by the people who want me to do stuff.

For while I have these moments, I'm going to enjoy these things of Summer that make me smile.  To hell with the rest of it.  I can't change a season.

Cya...

No Cares Given...

It's another Cheap Chocolate Day After Holiday.  I have to go shopping this morning, I might get lucky.  Tomorrow will be bill day & the week is looking a little busy.  I hoped the rain we've had would have knocked down the allergies.  That didn't happen,  I think the rain actually made it worse.  Read yesterday that there is a 2nd wave of flu going on in the US & of course Oklahoma is seeing some of the worst of it.  Just great.

Articles concerning HIV rates & the needs of people living with HIV are a constant online.   The problem, most people don't read them, unless the title is click-bait & then the reader is usually just irritated.  The issue here is simple, people fighting HIV & providing aid for those with the virus need other people to be concerned about their cause.  But, most aren't & they aren't going to until they are directly affected.

When it comes to HIV, civil rights, climate change & the like, most people like to talk a good game, but honestly have very few cares to give on the matter.   For some, it's just these people are tapped out & have little give anything.  Other people are asshats & have no F's to give about anything other than themselves & their pet causes.  

As hard as it is, when dealing with HIV or the like, on a personal or global level, the tactics have to change.  We have to acknowledge most people just do not care.  Some can't, some are just vile egos bobbing around in meatsuits.  We have to learn to & adjust to doing as much solo as we can.  Beating our head against the walls these people create is exhausting & exasperating.   Most people will never help anything other than themselves, some won't even do that. 

It's awful.   If we accept they won't help, then maybe we can move on to develop strategies that don't require them.   It may not always be possible.   But where it is, we have to accept these people will likely never come through for anything.  Whether it's apathy, burnout, hate, ideology or whatever the reason, we have to accept this is the reality of these people & we aren't changing it with information or spin tactics. 

All we can do is move on & do the best we can.

Cya...

PS.  Good luck to all the teachers & staff walking out of schools today for better treatment.

Glum...

It rain last night.  I usually sleep well during rain, but not recently.  I have a telemedicine appointment tomorrow morning.  I'm not certain what will be said or what I want to be said.

This year has been very draining.  All the loss, the sour moods & the gloom.  Even in the heat of the Summer, I rarely woke up to a morning that wasn't gloomy.  I'm spent on the gloom & definitely over the allergies.

This year has just been hard & a lot of certainties were faced.   Old cats are old & so are people.  I'm not sure how much more of all the dour & glum I can handle.  

I was better until the hospital stay.  It was a tipping point.   I'm still not feeling as well as I'd like & I was alone in that place.  That's how this is going to be for me & I guess I have to accept it.   Some day, some where, I'll be alone & then I won't be anymore.  Part of me is very angry about that.

I've done my best, to do as well by people I can.  I haven't always succeeded & some people I'm best off just avoiding some of them.  I tend to do better by animals.  At least the animals purr or the equivalent.  People, they generally just take.

I'm spent.  I'm tired of all the changing narratives & rewritten histories that seem to surround me.   People use words to get what they want & then feel they shouldn't be held to them.   We shouldn't teach children to be loyal, trustworthy or dependable, they'll likely never see it returned.

If you think this wallowing, that's your prerogative.   I don't feel that I am.  I think I'm just trying to face some things.  I'm mostly alone & few if any will ever be there to help me when I need it.  I hope when I get to that point, I'm asleep.  I don't think I have any need for last words.  Nobody would probably listen anyway.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll wake to a bright morning with birds singing.

Cya...

Missing Pieces...

Over the past month, 2 pieces have been removed from the route I take most often through town.   There's a little home with an over sized carport & wheel-chair ramp. A man that used a electric scooter lived there.  He was older & always wore a straw cowboy hat.  1 day, a for sale sign was in the yard & he was no longer there waving at us as we drove by.

There's a little green house down the road from us.   It's a little run down & an older man always sat on the porch petting his cats.  He had a way for them to get in & out of the house.  He was almost always there with his cats & kittens.  A couple of weeks ago, I noticed he had a walker & was looking back at the home.  A few days ago, there were trucks there cutting down overgrown shrubs & hauling his belongings away.    I don't know what happened to him or the cats. 

My trip to the mailbox or the store is starker than it was 2 months back.  I didn't know these men, but they made the trip more interesting & lighter.  Now they're gone & there's nothing more to be said.  That part of my trip is empty now.   I wonder when it happens to us, will people even notice we're no longer there?

Cya...