It's Back...

 

Fix-It February is in full swing.  So much has broken then needed repaired or replaced.  This has been an expensive month for us.  The month is almost over.  The van's back, but that cost us a lot.  Hopefully, nothing else major will happen to it, before we can afford something newer.

So far, there's zip on our plate for today.  It needs to stay that way.  Both of us have had & still have too much going on.  We need a day of nothing.  This month has been tiring, expensive & frustrating.

That's it for today, take care.

Cya...

Annoying Mornings...

 

For the last few weeks, mornings have been more difficult than usual.   Besides the normal stuff, there's been extra cat stuff going on.  This last week, the boy cat has ramped up the difficulty of that matter.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I do know I'm wasting half an hour or more each morning on cat issues, before I even get to brush my teeth.  This has got to end.  I simply can not do it.  I'm spent before I get my face washed.  I'm not sure what the answer is.  I'm frustrated & spent.

Cya...

More Frustration...

 

We had almost no rain in October & were short in September.  Instead of being normal, the damned weather decides to dump 10"+ on us in 2 days.  That makes up for this month & the last 2 with change left over.  That's only 5 days into the month.

There's flooding & it caused some issues with the house.  We'll have a handyman over tomorrow.  Hopefully, he can get this fixed.  We didn't need this.   

Just more frustration & it's election day.

Cya...

Tiny Mountains...

 

We got the van back.  It's working as well as it ever does.  Then again it's really old.  I figured things would go the way they did.  I also thought that if we didn't do take it into the mechanics, the problem could be really bad.   We opted for playing it safe.

When it comes to me, I'm just out of steam.  The spoons aren't refilling.  Tiny little things exhaust & frustrate me.  I'm tired of the constant challenges.  I at least used to have more diversions.  Now, most of those are gone.   Little, unexpected things, can send me into a bit of a panic, sometimes more than a bit.  I don't know if the me that used to be able to handle things better is ever coming back.  

This is all just very draining.  Maybe life's going better for everyone else.

Take care.

Cya...

Pertinent...

I've blogged about this before, but here we are again.  Sometimes it gets difficult to find publications pertinent to this blog.  This was never easy.  I wanted to post about being a HIV+ Gay man living in rural Oklahoma.  Now, it's also about someone 50+.  

Now, unless it's about an ethnic/racial group, writing about Gay men is a non-starter.  Writing about anyone not appearing ethnic isn't high on the list either.  There's the occasional piece on aging with HIV, but that's usually to discuss comorbidities.  All the articles on HIV in the rural U.S. written in the last decade probably wouldn't fill a midweek newspaper, sales advert. 

I know, I'm ranting a little.  But with all this talk of inclusion in representation, they left something out.  For all this alleged contemporary inclusion, there's a lot of exclusion.  It seems I'm in all those things on the out list again.  Maybe people like Larry Kramer should've just stayed quiet & let this thing run it's course.

Cya... 

Not Great...

 

I didn't expect November to be any better than the rest of 2023.  I also didn't expect it to be pecking at me the entire time.  It's been mostly little stuff, but it's been constant. 

I've not been doing that well & every time I try to take a step things happen.  Last night was OK, then the older cat made a break for it again.  The whole time I'm trying to find her, the kitten was following me.  She won't come if he's near me.   Still he was right on me & I got very frustrated with everything.  I'm tired of trying & getting nowhere.

Finally, after my nerves are shot, she shows back up.   Then this morning, the heater in my room starts acting up.  There's another to replace.

Each year past 2016 has gotten worse.  I'm expecting 2024 to be an utter shit storm.  Why wouldn't it be?  It's like nice things happen anymore.  At least ways not around me.

Cya...

Warmer & Brighter...

 

Not much on my mind this morning.  It is however, a much nicer morning.  It's far brighter & warmer.   There will still be cold days.  The season isn't over yet, but today is nice.   

Sometimes posts, like mine yesterday, aren't a sign of anything but frustration.  There are a lot of things in our lives, we have little control over.  No one asked for our input in the crappy things affecting us.   They say, "This too shall pass."  OK, maybe it will, but what's going to be left then?  What condition is it going to leave me in after whatever storm passes over?   Which time shall it also pass & leave nothing behind?  Being nonchalant or stoic about people's suffering is pretty bastardly.

It's alright if you can't do anything to help, but don't feed people fortune cookie proverbs or mottos from a bumper sticker.   People deserve better.  If you can't help, that's alright.  If you can't set with people in the hard times, then maybe you are part of the problem.

Cya...

Not Much Left...

 

There's a little over 2 weeks left in 2022.  There were things I wanted handled, but they aren't.  I suppose they'll drag over into the next year.  We tried to handle these things, but nothing seemed to work.  At the moment, I'm cold, frustrated & hating the grey skies. 

We have errands today.  I hope they go well.  I'm too spent for more of 2022's BS.  I don't want to be the person who dreads the tiniest things.  If that's all that's left, I'd rather not.

It'd be nice if I could find the bright side of things again.

Cya...

Start The Month...

 

We've got to handle 1st of the month stuff when we go out shopping.  I still have to get cleaned up so we can get out of here.  It would've been an alright morning if  Windows hadn't screwed it up with another botched update.  Microsoft you suck.

I wasted too much time on the updates to get a decent post out this morning.  Maybe tomorrow.  Take care.

Cya..

Dour...

 

The last couple of weeks have left me exhausted & exasperated.  So much for a good October.  A lot of things have decided to collide & make my life more challenging.

The weather has been so weird the yard work is still ongoing.  We've been overly grey with little rain.   It's been just enough to hamper getting anything done.   The van needed tires & the car had to get tags replaced.  The tags should've been a non-issue, but every unmasked idiot was there. We've had strange issues with the power flickering.

Then to add to it all, we try to watch TV last night & the channels were blank.  Suddenlink forget to send us a memo that we'd need a cable box for our basic cable now.  I was on the phone with them for almost 3 hours.  Just for them to tell me that & set an appointment for it in 2 weeks.  So for now, no cable. 

This has all been fixable & manageable.  I'm just sick of fixing & managing every damn thing.  Then of course, this morning Windows had to do an update.   That slowed me down a lot more than the cat puking by my door.  

Sorry for the rant.   I'm just tired & frustrated.  I'm in a fairly hateful mood at the moment.  Take care.

Cya...

September Friday...

 

Other than finishing the household bills, I don't see much happening today.  It's a bright this morning & I needed it.   Articles are still MIA.  

My roomie is being frustrated.  She's trying to make a purchase.  Options may have been limited to begin with, but the COVID situation has made it much worse.  So many items are sold out & there's no telling when they'll be back in stock.  There's so many stupid panic buyers & hoarders.  

Take care.

Cya...

Not Great Monday...

I still haven't got my blood work done.  The van battery is messed up again.  I don't when I'm going to get either of those handled.  I'm tired of this stuff being on my to-do list.  

This is very frustrating.  It feels like all I do is handle stuff.  More & more gets dumped on me & I don't have a lot of help.   I'm sure a lot of people are in this situation.  

I'm cutting this short before it turns into a full on rant.  Hopefully, I can figure out something tomorrow.  Take care.

Cya...

Over It...

This month hasn't been good for me.  I've been ill.  It's been hot.  Things wear out.  Stores have been crappy.  People are being snitty, difficult & stupid.  I'm just too spent to deal with any of it.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to again.  I hate everything that's stressing me out.  It all needs to end.  I can't do this crap much longer.   Everything needs to pause for a few minutes & people need to aim better.  I'm done.

On a good note, it did rain about an inch yesterday.  Still short by 3" for the month.  But, at least we got that much.  

Cya...

Worn Out...

I'm exhausted.  I tried to go to bed at a decent time.  As I was headed to bed, a couple of demanding things happened that needed to be handled.  The 1st was physically harder & tiring, but handled fairly quickly.   It may have to be revisited, but for now, it's covered.  The 2nd took forever.  I didn't get to sleep for another 3 hours after I  headed to bed.  

We have bills to handle & I have to run by Walmart.  It's also trash day.  This is as much of a post as I can handle today.

Take care.

Cya...

Sore Feet & No Rain...

Yesterday was tiring & frustrating.  I dealt with yard stuff because it was supposed to rain.  Of course, not a drop fell.  At least the yard stuff is handled.  Then we went shopping.  

Walmart shuffled 80% of the grocery side so it makes no sense at all.  Even the employees didn't know where things were now located.  The rest will be moved in the upcoming weeks, including frozen.  

I hate remods.  All they accomplish, is irritation.   I've never seen more angry, vexed shoppers in a store.  There were lots of irritated, loud people with short fuses at Walmart yesterday.  I had to circle the store several times to finish my shopping.

My feet were tired & swollen.  It never rained.  It stayed humid & hellish all day.  I'm glad we have no plans for today.  My feet couldn't handle it.

Cya...

Not Today...

This morning has already been exhausting & sucky.  I had to deal with my pharmacy again to fix an order I place yesterday.  I really wish there was another pharmacy I could use besides CVS.  

Past that, fleas have invaded.  For the past several days, the cats have been covered.  I kill the fleas in the morning & the cats are mostly clear for the rest of the day.  But come next morning, they're back.

That led to a whole house vacuuming.  It took me outside to spray the yard with pesticide.  I sprayed the inside with a general bug spray & 1 for fleas.  The spray for fleas nearly kills me when I use it.  It chokes me & I can barely breath.  I cough for quite a while after being near it. 

I'm spent & frustrated.  Mornings still aren't good for me.  They probably never will be.  I just hope this does some good or else I exhausted myself for nothing.

Cya...

Bad Net & Lap Tops...

I got a new router & modem.  They work for everything but my computer.  I called & the 1st time a cable tech can come out is Monday.  Oh, F'ing joy!

For now I'm on the laptop.  BTW, I really sorta hate    It doesn't get used often, so everything needed to update. That is still being a pain.  I'm not sure how well my posts will be until this is resolved.  

I did find an interesting article about a girl born with HIV being told she has the virus for the 1st time. It's a bit wrenching, but a good read.  There's nothing I can add to that article.  Just go read it.

Hope everyone else is having a better weekend.

Cya...

Everything Seems So Much More...

I've had another bad night.  I woke up a quarter til 5 & there was no sign of sleep after that.  I've gotten up in hopes of tiring myself out for at least an hour more of rest.  I don't know if it will work. 

I hate nights like this.  My mind starts reeling on everything & it won't stop.  Stuff I might be able to handle during the day when I'm awake.  But not now.  

This seems to be happening more lately.  I can't shake the feeling I'm gong backwards with things.   There doesn't seem to be any sign of improvement in my situation & I doubt there will be.  Normally, I can make myself by into the tomorrow will be better thing, but not at night.

I just keep thinking about everything.  Its really nothing big, but it all starts to feel that way.  Maybe it is big stuff & I've just conned myself into believing it isn't.  

All I know, is its happening & I can't make my mind stop.   I'm beyond tired & frustrated.  I'm spent & things seem to be demanding more of me.  The trip to Tulsa is looming & it is already tiring me.  It hasn't even happened yet.

I'm not happy with much in my life at the moment.  I'm trying to figure out if I'm just having moments of depression or times when I can buy the crap I'm selling myself.  I don't want to speak  too conclusively when I'm this tired.  But if this is all my life has left in it, I'm not sure how much more of it I want.

I'm tired, frustrated & very insecure with things.  My strength seems to keep going to things I can't control & not to me. I'm just spent.  Hopefully, I'm feel better tomorrow.  I hate mornings.

Cya...


PS:  I tried to go back to sleep it didn't work.  I'm back up.  I hate this.  I look around at a room I've been in for over 6 years now.  It was supposed to be a temporary place, 5 years.  But here we still are.  I doubt I'll ever leave in a good way.  Every time  things start looking up, something quickly happens to stop it.  Sometimes, I really wish I knew how to how to just stop.

After Rant...

OK, I'm a little calmer today about the crap news I got yesterday.   I'm not sure what happened to the telemedicine bus this time & honestly I don't care.   I don't have a lot of faith in doctors as it is & my specialist's office is racing towards destroying what little I have in them.   I'm not going to deal with that today though.

Today's topic is odd after yesterday's rant about my problems with my doctors & telemedicine.    No, I want to talk about something else, still related though.  Even though I'm having problems with specialist & the bust.  Even though I'm wondering if my pharmacy will actually deliver my medicine today like they're said they would.   Even though I think most doctors can be arrogant, greedy flakes.   I'm still fortunate.

Yes, I said fortunate.  I'm lucky, I actually have the luxury of having these issues to gripe about.  I have medicaid, not great medical coverage, but way better than no insurance at all.     I have access to doctors, specialists & mediation.  Many people still don't, even with the Affordable Care Act.

So, yes, my doctors can be difficult to deal with & very frustrating.  Yes, my pharmacy can be completely erratic.  I still am fortunate enough to have something.  I at least have this umbrella which is more than a lot of folks.  

Never say, "Things can't get any worse."  The universe will always prove you wrong.  So, this is me trying to be thankful.

Cya...

Errands...

I've got a bit to do today, so this will be a short post.  

• I still haven't heard anything about my benefits.  This is frustrating.  
• The wind is blowing hard, but no call for storms
• I have to go pay a bill
• The whole country is dealing with high allergens
• Allergies are getting to my roomie, the cats & me
• The lawn guy should be by soon, yippie more allergens

That's about it for now.  More tomorrow.

Cya...