Facing HIV...

I've been reading a lot about overcoming HIV in the last week.  A lot of people talk about treating everyone & an AIDS-Free generation.  Besides the matters costs & practicality, we need to look past those things & see some of other issues.  

The stigma of HIV is something that is talked about frequently.  Some people think we just need to get passed it.  OK, I'll bite.  How?  On things like bigotry & stigma there is no quick fix.  These things come from a place much darker than HIV.  HIV is a virus.  Bigotry & discrimination are hate & fear.  People decry what they fear.  They pronounce all sorts of evils on the thing, no matter what it is or has done.  From that fear springs hate, because many people despising acknowledging they fear something.   Until people get past their hate & fear, the stigma will remain.

This fear comes ignorance & intolerance.  Something not understood equates to something that is different & potentially harmful.  Therefore they fear it.  Until these people are taught the reality of HIV & untaught the hate so many ideologies spout there is no getting around this ignorance.

Then there is denial & myth.  There are so many untruths & shirks of responsibility when it comes HIV.  Only certain people get HIV.  You can only get HIV that way.  If you have HIV you're a bad person.  Then there is the question of whether or not you're a victim.  Unless you had no control in the manner by which you were infected, you are not a victim.  So stop asking, "Why me?"  

So, by all means people, come up with ways to test more people & get more people drugs earlier.  But, until you get people to deal with their anger, fear, ignorance, myths & irresponsible natures we aren't going to see an AIDS-Free world.  As much as the meds & medical approaches are needed here, so are compassion, understanding & support.  Maybe one day, we'll get all the above.

Cya...

Responsibility...

I've been reading a lot lately about + people who continue to see themselves as victims or to seek legal ramifications on those that spread HIV to them.  Now, I want to make it perfectly clear, the rest of this post does not deal with people who are + due to matters beyond their control; rape, needle attack or medical issues.  This article is for those people who engaged in risky behaviors; unprotected sex, IV drugs & the like.

I agree, someone who knowingly transmitting the virus is a bastard & deserves to be prosecuted,  However, there still lies some responsibility in most of the people infected.  If  you engage in risky behavior, there is a chance that you will contract HIV, end of statement.  There is no such thing as safe sex, only safer.

Some people will say something like, "My partner of 20 years cheated & now I'm +."  For those people, I am truly sorry, but it just goes to show you that everyone is at risk from HIV.   What difference does it make if you have unprotected sex with someone who is knowingly + & a person who is unknowingly +?  In the end there is no difference.  Yes, the prior could've warned you, but you could've refrained from having unprotected sex.

Unless you were truly taken by surprise or victimized, you are not a victim.  You made a choice & HIV might be the consequence.  While I didn't do IV drugs, I was sexually active.  I even used protection, just goes to show condoms don't always work 100%.  I'm not trying to glorify being +, but I am going to take responsibility for it being due to my own actions.  I may have made some bad choices, but they were mine & on the matter of being HIV +, I am not a victim.  I'd much rather be someone who made some questionable decisions, than a victim.

Cya...

Kudos To Roomie...

My roomie is considering some major changes in her life in the upcoming couple of years.  She is considering some major alterations regarding her health & her career situation.   It started off easy enough  with her just talking about the matters.  Due to input from others & myself she decided it was a good thing to start researching the matters.

Quite frankly, I think she was a bit blown away by the information she found. Not only the content of what she found, but by the volume. Both the matters she is considering are significant & life altering.  Both of us are Virgos to some extent, research & organization are fairly easy for us & highly desired in our lives. The research revealed things neither of us had even considered being factors.  

She knows the process she is about to undergo is going to be lengthy, embarrassing & painful.  It is going to be one of the most difficult things she'e ever taken on in her life.  However, she knows that she wants this & that she has, or is gaining, the tools to deal with the situation.  This trial ahead is going to require dedication.  It will require communication & honesty with herself & those who can help her through it.  

I'm fairly proud of her for even considering these options.  Five years ago, I don't think she would have.  The important thing here for me is to remember that although this will affect my life, it isn't about me or anyone else, other than my roomie.  I can give her my support & assist as I can can, but I can't do it for her.

I'm confidant she will get as much as the information as she can before she heads down this rabbit hole.  She knows that she can't rush into or through this situation.   She also knows that she's the only one who can do this for her.  This type of behavior is impressive, especially from a person trying very hard to realistically face an incredibly daunting task.  My roomie has accepted that this quest has to be about her & her alone.

Sometimes that sucks.  That alone thing, but sometimes it's nice to know you did something all on your own.  That isn't saying that I won't help wherever I can, but it is to say, that I, nor anyone else, can do it for her.  For realizing these things, I know she is much more mature than she was five years ago.  For being wise enough to not only look before she leapt, but to start doing a boat-load of research on the matter is smart & note worthy.  For being responsible enough to see it as not a necessary thing to do in her life, but also as one that will bring many positive possibilities is astounding.  

I am glad she has begun this epic quest of hers. It shows that she is being realistic about her life.  That she is choosing the right thing for herself & not the easy, expected one.  I'm happy that she has the faith in herself & her abilities to even consider this undertaking.  I very pleased with her for using her wits & intelligence in the matter & not just stupidly jumping willie-nille, totally oblivious to seriousness of the endeavor ahead of her. I do hate stupid people.

So The Drama...

I may not have mentioned this before, but I am a Sociologist, yes, a card carrying, Ph.D. earning Sociologist.  There are lot of ways we filter things in our lives & mine is often through my discipline.  Our field of study, our religious/philosophical leanings, our political idioms, etc...often affect how we filter the goings on in the world into this little we call reality.  Reality isn't something that is set or even all that certain.  It's only concrete when we agree it is so.  If we don't agree, it's turtles all the way down.

I specialized in Social Psychology & Social Ecology. More over I am a theorist.  Most theories in sociology come in either macro or micro levels (big or small), I think that is faulty & reductionist. The small affects the big & vice verse.  But for the time I'll stick with the sort of small.   According to Dramaturgy, Shakespeare was right & all the world's a stage.  Dramaturgy is an aspect of Symbolic Interactionism, which basically discusses how we all interact with others, things & the meanings that arise from these interactions with others & things.

South Park's episode,  Sexual Healing S14E01, was about sexual addiction.  The episode presents sexual addiction as a ruse for the behavior of those people who have been caught in compromising situations.   (I have no idea if the writers actually feel this way or not.)   At one point one of the boys, Kyle, calls BS on it all & says that everyone just needs to responsibility for their actions.  This is the part that I do agree with entirely.

I am not an existentialist that believes you are in control of every part of your life, but I do believe in taking responsibility for it.  My parents were horrible, they were alcoholics, abusive & they bailed.  The fact is they screwed my life up irrevocably.  The stage that my life plays out on was initially set by my parents & other factors beyond my control.  I do not hold myself accountable for that. However, I am now an adult & regardless of the setting & stage props I have to make due with the scene playing out before me.

I can not choose the background from which I am from.  I couldn't choose a lot of things that were decided for me before I was an adult.   I can now.  I can choose & I can accept the consequences for those decisions.  I am not normal, I will never be that.  I came from the proverbial sea of chaos & was the little kid trying to be a rock.  As a young adult I felt like chaos trapped in a sea of rocks.  Then I moved on to the motto, "I am a leaf on the wind, watch me soar." Well, all of those ideas & actions got me to where I am now & I have to accept it.  I am on disability.  I am not anywhere I thought I would be at my age.  I am +.  Most of all, this is my doing. Sometimes knowing that is just plain awful, but at least I did it & it wasn't done to me.

My actions, reactions or inactions have made my life mine.  I just have to accept that, hopefully embrace it or I'm left with my life being little more than a Kim Possible Movie.

I Hate Waiting...

I hate waiting.  There are things in life you just can't rush; Christmas, Summer Time or how long it takes you to forget a bad first date.  Then there are instances like;  disappearing wait-staff, professors who refuse to grade  papers or some jerk too busy talking on his cell-phone to realize he's just made a line of traffic miss the light.  Those are the moments I hate.

Waiting just makes me feel like I'm slipping backwards and in my experience going backwards is rarely, if ever, a good thing.  I'll try not to talk to much about my past here, little good could come from it.  But my "mother" was an avid believer in the bottle and baby-sitters.  I'm amazed someone didn't turn her into child services much earlier than they did.  I knew when I heard the beginning of her spiel of lies that I'd be stuck somewhere for far to long waiting for the lush to come back and get me.  When was about eight or nine one sitter had this little bridge in her front yard crossing a ditch by the roadside.  I'd sit there, legs dangling off that bridge, listening to cars approach.  I got really good at discerning different types of cars.  I really hated it when another car the same make as my moms would drive near.  As much as I despised her, she was at least the hell I knew.  I knew I'd be stuck waiting at this stranger's house for hours, sometimes days.  To her, I was just a speck of an image that faded out of sight in her rear-view mirror.

Overall my life is better now than it was in the past.  Living in the now is a trick, perhaps even an art. I used to practice the what-if magic like a pro, still do sometimes.  What if I'd had different parents, made better choices or a host of other possibilities.  All that did was depress me and led me to the conclusion that there was very little in my life that I  could've changed that would've drastically improved anything.  That realization sucked!

I believe we are responsible for our actions.  I also believe that we are players on the proverbial stage and that stage was at least initially set by other people.  Our parents for better or worse chart the course of our early lives, often in ways we never even realized until later.  You have to make the best you can of what they decided to do and sometimes that leaves us with little to no good options.

Wishful thinking will only bring you down.  Even if it's not a great present, better to be here than in the past.  The past is irrevocably set, you can't change it, and it got you to where you are now.  At least in the now, you might have some shot of bettering yourself.  If you aren't happy where you are at, then stop and figure out what got you there.  Did your parents set you on this course, did some friend do you wrong or are you the villain in your own story?

Regardless, sometimes letting go & moving on is the best, hardest thing to do. First rule, you can never really change anyone else.  You don't have the right to change them.  If something needs changing, look at yourself and see what you can alter about yourself or your situation.  If there are things or people in your life life that need to go, then send them packing.  Sometimes it really is them and not you to blame for them being difficult.

Remember, in life, your forgiveness is privilege not a their right or your responsibility.  Demand honesty.  It's always better just to have the other shoe drop and just get it over with, instead of waiting in dread.  Never expect anything from people, even if they tell you to, that way if they do what they said you can be pleasantly surprised.  I know that isn't nice, but sometimes people just suck.  Keep in mind you are people too and sometimes you just suck as well.

So don't keep people waiting.  Do be honest. Remember your playing on someone else's stage as well as your own.  Try not to suck too badly.

The Blame Game or How Did That Happen

Television is filled with people who are delusional, in denial or just plain stupid.  America Idol and So You Think You Can Dance show us people who swear it's their life long dream to be a dancer or a pop star.  They don't understand why the judges didn't see their brilliance.  Good grief, they had practiced for a whole three days. Mind you, that was probably longer than they had committed to anything besides sitting on the couch, vid-gaming or texting.   America's Next Top Model is consistently filled vicious victims.  These girls focus on how it's not right that the other girl stole top sport from her that week.  HGTV's  House Hunters has numerous instances of suddenly appearing babies.  It always go like this, "Our old place was fine before that baby showed up, don't know  where that came from."   Rant Part One over.

Rant Part Two begin.  There are three things to take from these shows.  If you really really want something, then you are going to have to really, really work for it.  Clue #1 - That means longer than three days.  I hate to see those sloppy idiots on the dance stage acting like they have some level of talent or dedication.  It's a total insult to those people who have spent their lives pursuing that art.

The Models waste their time fighting, conniving & griping.  Watch a couple of seasons and you'll figure out a few things.  On Top Model and many other talent based shows, although there are other contestants, you really aren't competing against them.  You are competing against yourself.  On shows like this, it isn't the judges or the other contestants that send you home, it's yourself.  These models send themselves home by focusing on their own flaws or never realizing they have any flaws. On Top Model your flaw will either make you or break you, depending on YOUR attitude.

That mysteriously appearing baby on House Hunters is always a laugh.  The couple standing there looking at the infant like I don't know where that came from, do you?  Some things in this life are out of your control, but you'd be stunned how many aren't.  As Adults, most of us, have reasonable control over our lives.  Like when to and when not to have a baby.  They wander why their failed credit is keeping them from getting their dream home.  What do you mean, we need a down payment?  Closing costs, property taxes, home inspections.  Those are our responsibility?  The Hell you say.

End Rant.

Bringing this back to me now.  I've heard many people say that ultimately you are responsible for your own safety, but rarely sinks in on people.  The person who commits vehicular manslaughter while drunk, may not have made the decision to kill someone, but he did make the decision to drink.  The person who gets victimized in a dark alley or frat party, did not ask to be attacked (and shouldn't have been attacked), but they did choose to put themselves in a precarious situation. You can't  get angry that you got bit by a shark when you dove into waters infested with great whites.  Smokey's line about forest fires can be paraphrased,  only you can keep yourself safe.  You can't depend on anyone else for that.

I used to teach at a university.  I had a lot of papers to grade and tests to score.   It never failed that some student would come up and say, " I can't believe you gave me that grade."  I'd always tell them that I didn't give them anything, they did.  I was not the one who took the test, I was not the one who wrote the paper nor was I the one who failed to take either assignment seriously.  They gave themselves their own bad grade.  Just like we give ourselves most of the bad things in our lives; bad credit, expanding waistlines, miserable relationships, etc...

This gets back to HIV now.  I thought I was mostly playing safe.  I should've known there was no such thing as safe sex, safer yes, but still not safe.  Many of us think we can spot who will have HIV, like there's going to be this big, blinking pink neon + over their heads.  Some are like, so what if I get it, there are meds these days.  Believe me those meds may keep you going but the physical, emotional & financial costs is enormous.   In the end, it's simple, I gave myself HIV.  There may have been others along for the ride, but I'm the one that did the act.  It sucks to have to take responsibility for that, but its better than being bitter and blaming everyone and everything else.

Remember if you're going dream, dream big, but big dreams take big work.  Take care yourself, you're the only one who can or will.  I know sometimes its hard, but we really have to learn to like ourselves, even if we screw up or get scared.

Top Me Off...

Every morning begins with me trying to get out of bed and get started again.  Besides the trip to the bathroom, brushing the teeth & dealing with the cats, there are other things.  I never really thought about these until I was + or older, take your pick.  Hydration is amazing.  Re-wetting drops in my eyes, 20 oz of H2O, some moisturizer for the face & hands, then I start to feel alive.  The water washes away the crap that accumulated up over night.

But taking away isn't all of the equation, you have to put stuff back.  I stack up my meds, get a cup of tea & begin the day.  I can't eat for an hour after meds so food has to wait.  My meds wash out nutrients so I take some supplements;  B complex, a multi-vitamin and others.  I use cinnamon to help with aches and apple cider vinegar to deal acidity.

Then I let my fingers wander the keys and guide me over the web.  I check my email, play sudoku & read the news.  Slowly my brain comes back online.  Then  I start thinking about breakfast and the rest of the day.  The game-plan for the next 16+ hours on my output and input.

During the day we meet a series of drains; work, people, health issues, etc...  We have to take the opportunity to give back to ourselves: eating, socializing, fun & the like. It's way too easy to let yourself become overtaxed and left with too little for yourself.  You can not let that happen.  Everyday you have to replenish your own supplies; food, rest, meds, friends, fun, spiritual pursuits, art or whatever you need.  You can't wait on someone else to do this for you, it's your life and you are important.  If someone else can't get that, then they need to hit the road or have their attitudes seriously adjusted.

Whatever your needs, whatever gets you through the day, you have to take responsibility for making sure you aren't running on empty. Take care of yourself and top yourself off in the mornings.