Not a Good Friday...

 

This isn't a good morning.  There's a more talk of HIV funding getting further cut.  There's also the chance they could require HIV+ work requirements to get medicaid.   I'm not sure what this will mean for me.  Of course they aren't giving the choice to end it all.  I think with the way things are, a lot of people might choose that option.  

It's a crappy dark morning & it's like I feel every miserable cloud.  I don't think I'm getting over SAD ever.  I hate waking up so damned much.  It's in the top worst things I ever do.   It takes me hours just to be functional & then more time to feel normal.  By then, it's getting dark again.  Things aren't & probably won't ever get better.

There's errands & bills to handle.  Take care.

Cya...

Some Done & Finally...

 

The beginning of bills & some errands were handled yesterday.   I picked up my meds & by the time we got home, the lawn guy was mowing.  We're happy about that.  It'd been over a month since the yard got handled.  It was a shaggy mess.  But, it took that long for the rain to stop & grass to dry enough to be cut. 

We don't have much on for today.  We'll finish the bills tomorrow.  That's it for now.

Take care.

Cya...

June Stuff...

 

It's the 1st of the month, time to handle bills & errands.   I need to pick up meds today.  We're hoping to get the lawn mowed soon.  It looks like a meadow.  But it keeps raining & drenching everything.  It dumped over an inch yesterday.  This stupid version of June is supposed to be rain happy & dark.  So much for dealing with SAD.  

That's it for now.  I need to get things done so we can deal with all this.  Take care.

Cya...

Still Dark In June...

 

Again June is a dark mess.  It's almost Summer & this looks like a morning in January.  Of course it had to storm.  It was supposed to last night & didn't.  That made sleeping less than pleasant.  I'm just tired of this.  Why the hell did I wake up?

I needed this dark crap to be over, but hey that doesn't matter.  The mood I've been in, the world could burn & I'd be fine.  I'm just too over this to care about much anymore.  I'm tired of being scared, anxious, stressed.  I'm just tired & pissed that I woke up.  

I have a 80s pin somewhere that says, "Life's a bitch & then you die."   That's not right.   Life is a bitch, but you don't just to die, you linger.    You don't thrive, you just exist.

That's it this morning.  To hell with June & its BS storms & drear.  Apparently there is no bright season anymore.  I hope all you cloud lovers choke.

Cya...

Hello June...

 

Hello June, I know it's a lot to ask, but it'd be great if this was a nice month.  I need really need it.  I've not been doing that well & this is my last season of being in my 50s.  

I haven't had a good year in quite a while.  I can barely get a decent few hours.   I was more hopeful last year at this time.  There were possibilities, I think those are gone.  

The small wants I had; to be more secure, less scared & anxious, to have some small things to look forward, to not die in this damn hovel, etc...  I let myself think it might be possible.  I did it to myself again.  It's unlikely any of that will ever happen.  

June, I repeat my request for a nice month.  It doesn't have to be anything big, just pleasant & a little less stressful.  I'm tired of waking up & being angry I'm still here.  I dont' want any seasons in my 60s.  Things will only be worse.  Nothing's coming, nothing's going to get better.   

It feels like there's so little of me left.  Every time something looks like it could be good or get better, it's a fake out or a let down.  Even if something good did come along.  It'd be just enough to screw things up, not fix anything.  I want things to go well or just end.  

That's all, hello June, sorry for the ask.

Cya...

Goodbye May...

 

May's ending on warm note.   We're finally getting some sunlight, just not enough to get rid of this humidity.  Other than a couple of appointments, May didn't bring us much.  Maybe that's OK.  It didn't bring us much bad either.  Most of the month was just overcast & hazy.  

Tomorrow will start the 1st of the month stuff again.  Goodbye May.  At least you're ending on a blue moon.  Take care.

Cya...

Friday Issues...

 

If something around here is going break or screw up, it'll most likely be on a Friday night.   That leaves us the weekend to deal with whatever messed up.  Last night, my blood pressure monitor crapped out on me.  It kept giving me odd readings.  I tried to adjust the positioning, nothing worked.  By the time, I switched to my old cuff, I'd irritated myself & my reading was higher than it should've been.  The old cuff read a little high anyway.

At 1st, I thought it was bad batteries, but those in it were newer.  I tried some others & still nothing.   I'd planned on getting up this morning & going to get better batteries.  But, I thought to look up the lifespan of a blood pressure cuff.  I'm way past the time given as an average.  This morning I ordered a new cuff from Walmart.  It should be here today.  

We'll see how this goes.  Take care.

Cya...