It's Gone...

 

2026 didn't start out bad for us, especially compared to 2025.  There were new things, ideas, routines, etc...  Things were clicking.  I was still dealing with the dark of the year stuff & SAD, but it was moving along.  I guess that was it; there were plans, momentum & maybe just a sliver of hope things might improve.  

I'm not sure why I let myself buy into this.  I guess I was just tired & distracted not to see the inevitable  repeat of things.  The new things starting breaking, the routines ended, plans & ideas seem to lose focus.  The momentum was gone & it was just sliding back into breakage, stress, anxiety & frustration.  

I did this to myself.  I let myself think things might change in a good way for once.  Yet again, I was wrong.  I don't need to see 60.  None of this is going to get better for me.  It might level out, but then it'll dive back down again.  People can keep their plans, ideas & maybes.  I just can't anymore.  

Cya..

Not So Great...

 

For the last several years, I've felt off & not as well as I should.  It's never been a solid thing I could ID & there were always other more pressing issues.  I'd tried to get rest & get through it.   The last couple of years have been harder, but again there was a lot of stuff to handle.  Since September it's been a cascade of issues & appointments.  I really hoped by now, most of this crap would be off our plate, but it isn't.  

Spring is coming & that means seasonal issues; benefit renewals, storms, yard work, etc...  Everything else is still hanging on & not getting settled.  I'm doing my best.

SAD has been a real issue this year.  I was hoping it had passed for now, it hadn't.  For a while I've woke jolty several times during the night & almost every morning.  This is exhausting & takes so much from what little I had left just to get my morning started. 

I need things to stop, to be over, at least for a little while.  No more waiting, getting things fixed, piles of unknowns or difficult idiots.  I'm not fine & I'm not even sure what my best is anymore.  I'm spent & need to be done.

A lot of times, I wish I'd never made it into adulthood.  It had nothing to offer that I needed or wanted.  I wonder what if I'd died at a midnight showing of Rocky, spinning under a disco ball at the rink or even dancing under the lights at a club.  That would've been a good ending.  Instead I'll probably die in some disgustingly substandard, abysmally predictable hellhole. 

It's dark out & supposed to storm.  The upcoming week looks to be the same.  Here comes more SAD & cortisol.   Even if the sun did shine, it wouldn't matter, too much shit is still there & not going anywhere.  Being this tired, swamped by BS & dealing with this life is more than I can handle.   I don't need a refund or exchange, I just want it all gone.

There's my murky morning rant.

Cya...

1st Week Of November Done...

 

The week is handled & it doesn't look like next week will be as busy.  Shopping & Friday errands should be all there is today.  It'd be nice to have a quiet weekend.  Too bad it's supposed to get cold.  This could be our 1st freeze.  

The benefit matter is still up in the air.  The government shutdown is ongoing & the current administration is utterly useless & debased.  This needs to get fixed soon.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

So Far This Week...

 

We got the car back yesterday.  That was a lot of cash.  For now it seems to be running fine.  I got my labs drawn later in the day than I usually do.  I don't know if that will have any impact or not.   I'm waiting on the results.   That's, what we have done.

Tomorrow, my roomie goes back to her appointment.  They need to correct what they did.  Then there will be shopping on Friday.

This has been a hard week.  The heat didn't help.  It's supposed to cool some this week.  We'll see if that actually happens.  

That's it for now, take care.

Cya...

Happy Holidays...

Well, it's Christmas & New Year's is next week.  So far it's gone as well as it usually does for us.  We'll have dinner later & that'll be about the end of it.  The decorations will stay up for a while, at least until the new year.  

I never have high expectations for the holiday season, but this time has seemed pretty flat.  There were so few lights & so much humbug & dread.  It's strange how let down you can feel about something you really weren't into all that much.  It's just a big game of anticipation followed by a crash of bright lights, noise & shredded paper.  Then like that, it's over.  Holidays aren't like sex or pizza.  If you had so-so or even bad  sex or pizza, you still at least had sex or pizza.  Off or bad holidays are unfulfilling let downs, that leave marks, questions & hollow feelings.

I hope for everyone else, the holidays were grand.  For me, I'm just ready for them to move on & not have to think about them for another year.  It's bad enough when I'm not good with holidays, but when everyone else jumps on board, that's a little much.

Take care & may the rest of the year be kind to you.

Cya...

Change Of Plans...

 

I thought I had plans for Thanksgiving, turns out I was mistaken.  I found out last night & it irritated me.  Now, I have to decide what, if anything, I want to do for me.  I'm leaning towards nothing.  Yet another reason not to like holidays.  

The news didn't anger or even surprise me.  It was just par for the course.  But it did irritate me & nerved me out a bit.  Now I was back to zero.  I went to bed that way & didn't sleep well. 

The thing is, Saturday was a decent day for me.  I felt better & things were going OK.  I almost said something about it, but I didn't want to jinx it.  Turns out, it happened anyway.  I'm to the point of being suspicious of anything resembling good or even OK in my life.  It's almost always followed by crap.  

Do I think this was aimed at me?   No, I don't.  But, I'm still having to deal with it.  I guess it doesn't matter much, I was like always, just a +1.  I think I may have to be done with holidays for a while.  All they ever do is bring me issues, anxiety & crappy nostalgia.  I'm not in a good enough place to handle that anymore.

Of course, the stupid holiday is messing with out trash pick up.  There'll be 2 weeks of trash gathered before getting to the curb.  They get holidays & I get anxiousness & extra trash.  Sounds about normal.

Take care.

Cya...

30 Days Down...

 

I finished my 1st month on Dovato yesterday.  30 days in & all seems well.  We'll know for sure when labs are drawn.  So far, I'm not noticing much difference from Triumeq.   Only that, all the side issues the former med had, are a little less on Dovato.  Less is better.  Maybe they'll tone down a more the longer I'm on the new med.

The kitten finished his run on meds yesterday.  We're both happy about that.  We just hope that cleared up whatever the issue was.

That's about all the catching up for this 1st bit of the month.  Take care.

Cya...

Made It To Saturday...

 

The 1st of the month stuff has been handled.  It was a busy week.  Things should calm down for a bit.  Most of the remaining bills are handled online until the gas bill shows later in the month.  Technically, that'll be October's bill, but it runs early.

I took the 1st dose of Dovato yesterday.  So long Triumeq & hello new med.  As long as it does the job, I should be on this for a while.  Maybe the next thing will a long acting med.  That could be interesting.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Not Good...

 

I didn't have a good day yesterday.   A lot of things just didn't go well.  Most of them weren't big, but they piled up.  I'm just done.  I can't fix anything, anymore.  But, that's who it'll fall to, me.  Because no one else is going to do it or much of anything else for me.  It's gotten passed the point of me just not wanting to.  It's really to, I just can't.  

This year has sucked & my birthday is this Sunday.  All I really want for it, is not to be here.  I don't think I can handle another year of this.  I'm just too broken & I may very well be missing pieces by now.  Other than my roomie & some cats, I don't have anything.  I'm trying to let those be enough.  But, there's nothing I want anymore except to get off this ride.  I'm tired, achy & usually scared.  This shouldn't be life.  I'm glad my parents are dead.  I hate them for condemning me to this life.

I should be in a better.  My labs did well.  It'll be cooling soon.  My birthday is near.  But, I just want to sleep & not wake up.   Abortion should be legal & highly recommended. 

Cya...

It's Done...

 

The screening happened, that was the easy part.  I went in & they got me ready.   After a bit, I was out & then in the recovery room.  It went well, no issues, no polyps.  

I still feel a bit out of it, but hopefully that will get better in a bit.  I need more to eat & drink.  I'm glad I don't even have to think about that again for 10 years.

That's about it here.  Although it did manage to cool down some. Take care.

Cya...

Check & Done...

 

The 1st of the month stuff is handled.  Our list is clear until the gas bill.  The other stuff hasn't come due yet.   We've done what can be done for now.  

That's my life now, routine items getting crossed off lists until the next cycle.  If it's not bills, it's medical stuff; doctor appointments, dental, eyes, meds, etc...  When it's not that, it's some crap show because something weird or bad happened & it'll probably cost a lot to get it fixed.  If not cash, then a lot of drama & stress. 

There hasn't been much for me to look forward.  I try to find things but they never come to fruition or just fizzle.  There's movies & comics I'll read look at just to have something to do.  But, they're just diversions & not something I'm really excited about.

It's to the point, if my phone rings it's either a wrong number, spam, medical crap or worse news.   I try to stay in the now.   I can't find things to look forward to & looking back just makes me sad.  I won't tell you that any point in my life was great.  But, there were points when I was less scared & stress.  There were points in my past, that even as bad as things could get, I still had things that I was looking forward to.  I could still really laugh, find bits of joy & sometime even a little hope.  

I think that's all gone.   Like the hummers & bunnies, that's just another memory.  I finally saw a dragon a few days back.  It kept circling me like it wanted to be seen.  It was black with black wings with white bands near the wingtips.   It made me smile for a bit, maybe not every little thing is gone.

Cya...

Ugh Over...

The ugh is over for now.  I got up early & called to speak to a caseworker.   The state has stupidly closed the physical offices & made them work from home.  Now, no one has an assigned caseworker.  It's just whoever's on the line when you call. 

For some reason my application was only making it to part of the system.  Go figure, a computer glitch screwed me, how cliché.  I was expecting a huge wait time, but I actually got on the line a couple of minutes before they opened for business.  Their system has a lot on the frontend of the call to get through.  I talked to the 1st tier for a couple of minutes & then got transferred.  Luckily I was 1st in line & had no wait time.  The whole thing took about 25 minutes.  Far better than what my roomie's been on with them.

All seems well for now, but I didn't need that stress.   Why is it streamlining businesses only seems to help the business's wallet & never the people using it?

That's all, take care.

Cya...

Autumn...

 

The equinox is here & so is Fall.  Summer's over & what little light we had this year will lessen.  I never look forward to Autumn.  It overs very little I want & leads into the darkest times of the year.   Still, here it is.

This week has been handled.  So far, there's nothing to do this weekend except recover from the last several days.  Hopefully everything will stay calmed down this week.  The following week is the 1st of the month & I have appointments.

For those who love, Fall has arrived, enjoy.

Cya...

Day After...

 

The 4th has passed.  I'm sure we'll hear some more fireworks, but the bulk of it should be over.  It was pretty, but I'm glad it's over, the smoke was getting to be a lot.   

I found this article dealing with Native Americans & Presidential Advisory Council on HIV/AIDS (PACHA).  It's a series of videos on the matter hosted by HIV.gov.  It was interesting. 

Hope everyone's holiday went well.  Take care.

Cya...

Tomorrow...

 

Tomorrow is the midterm election.  How will this go?  Who knows?  I've done what I can.  Now, it's up to  Oklahomans & Americans to remind us how awful they can be.  Midterms are always stupid pendulum swings by impatient, impractical people who didn't get their way day 1.  Elections always show us how willing people are to vote against their own best interest, just so they can scream at someone else.  The American political system only serves to show the indulgence, ignorance, hate & greed of the people living here.

I don't have high hopes.  I never do when people are involved.  I'd love it if they surprised  me, but let's be realistic.  

Cya... 

Went OK-ish...

 

We got through yesterday.  Nothing went too wrong.   We got our errands ran & went shopping.  We had  a hiccup while getting new tags.  Some idiot delivery man decided to park right behind us while he handled his run.  He finally had to be told to move his truck.  I don't think he was purposely trying to be an ass.  He just didn't bother checking on anything but his own needs.  So, he made other's days more difficult.  Not paying attention, is no excuse for being rude.

Any way, all that was handled.  The van got driven.  We got home & stayed.  My roomie, is still having some issues with the flu shot.  Hopefully, she'll do better today. 

That's it for now, take care.

Cya...

Not A Thing...

 

After what feels like a month of starting & stopping for bills, shopping, errands & appointments, we have nothing to do today.  I have every intention of keeping it that way.  I'm spent & would like to not think about going anywhere or doing anything for a day.  I don't want to have to get myself ready for any more appointments for a bit.

Speaking of which, my dental cleaning went fine.  I have another new tech.  She's another Cindy & she's been there for some time.  Until yesterday, she'd not worked with me.  So far, so good.   Hopefully this will be the last change for a while.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...