Goodbye July...

 

This is the last day of July.  The month started off alright.  It wasn't that Summery.  It was overcast, damp & fairly mild temps.  Then the tail end got here.  It stayed hazy, while the humidity & temps cranked up.  I haven't handled this part of the month.  I'm not sleeping well & it's leading me to feel off, sick & anxious.  

Tomorrow starts August.   I have expectations for that month & they're all bad.  I think this is going to be a bad month.  It feels like a lot is coming my way & I probably won't be able to handle it.  I think this is going to be a month of loss.   It's the last month of my birth year.  It's the last month I'll be in my 50s.  

I really needed a good Summer.  Just another thing on the list I never got.  I don't need to see September.  I don't need more trips around the circle.  I would gladly just step off the ride.  I'm tired of feeling like this.  I hate knowing my life peaked decades ago & it wasn't that great.  I broke the GenX rule.  I should've died young.  I wouldn't have had to see what a disaster I became.

Goodbye July, you failed at being a good Summer month.

Cya...

Trampled...

 

My nerves are colliding with the heat, iffy sleep & life in general.   It's leaving me on edge.  I feel rattled & off about everything.  Every little thing is poking at me & testing what little nerve I have left.  To make things worse, I'm feeling worn out.  I wake up, get around & I'm already spent.  I need a breather just to get ready to shower.  Shopping isn't going to be fun today.  

The next couple of days are supposed to be +100°.  We didn't need to hit the century mark this year, but we've been here for a bit.  Hopefully, they stay in July.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Looming...

 

It hate the end of Summer.  Especially when it's been such a letdown of a season.  It's been summery hot & humid, but the light's been limited.  It's like dealing with SAD in a steambath.  Now July's ending & August is the only buffer I had before Sucktember.  

I never do well during that well during September.  My birth month is usually fairly awful for me.  It's not the actual birthday, it's the damned month & the fact it brings the end of Summer.  Screw Fall.

I've been worried about August for sometime.  Then September is always a crapfest for me.  I can't even find anything I'd like to do for my birthday.  I just can't shake the feeling something's about to hit the fan. 

Yesterday my roomie got news that would've been good months ago.  But now, it's landing in September.  The next couple of months are going to be hard on me.  I'm so damned tired of hard things.  All I want for my birthday is not to see it.  I really don't see anything left for me besides stress, fear & other crap happening to make my life harder.

2026 has sucked.  I don't see that changing.  Oh well, who cares what I think?

Cya...

More Options...

 

Merck has announced trials for a monthly, oral PrEP medication.  This piece offers information about  Alimatravir.  This is the only data I can find on this drug.  It's a good piece & a monthly pill could offer options that other forms of prevention can't.  It may not be twice yearly, but it's also not an injection.  For some, that will be a significant factor.

It's dark today & not supposed to get much warmer.  It's also not supposed to get much cooler.  Tonight could be hard sleeping weather.  The last week of July looks to be hot.

I'm trying not to, but I'm already getting anxious about Fall.  Summer has been a bust again & I haven't handled the last 2 falls well.  I doubt I will this time.   I really don't need to see Sucktember.  I don't need all of it's hell drama.  I guess SAD is just a year round thing for me now, like allergies.  

That's all for now.

Cya...

Decent Day Anxiety...

 

I don't have that many "good" days.  I'm lucky to have decent, OK days.  I don't like talking about them, especially while the day is still occurring.  They make me anxious.  I can't remember a day in the last year that was going alright that there was an almost immediate case of fuckery.  Not something me or my roomie caused, but something beyond our control that was screwed with us;  car issues, power outages, internet issues, seriously bad weather...

Yesterday was being an OK day until around 6 then the water pressure all but died.  Some fiber workers broke another water line again.  The water was luckily restored in a few hours, but it's taken a lot longer than before.  Then all the lines have to cleared of yick, off-colored water, including the ice maker.  Was it a big thing, no it didn't turn out to be this time.  Was it something we did or caused?  No, it was not.  Still, it caused stress, anxiety & trashed what had been an alright day.  

Bad days are bad days.  But it's gotten to the point where I'm almost afraid of having good days.  Too much is just waiting to happen.

Take care.

Cya...

Not So Good...

 

Yesterday started off well & should've been a decent day.  My roomie had a friend over & then had a n event to go to.   It was the most she's gotten to do in a while that wasn't a doctor's appointment.  

But, somewhere in that time by myself I really got into my own head.  I'm not sure why, maybe it was the light letting me relax enough to let some stress out.  I got very anxious & rattled for no current reason or maybe everything all at once.  I can't tell.  

I spent the day anxious.  But as usual there was other stuff going on.  Things that needed handled.  Then, of course, more stress came along & made things worse.  

So often, if I'm having an off day, something comes along & complicates everything to the point, my off issues feel trivial.   I get that my issue wasn't the big thing & that the other things going on were important.  For the most part this isn't anyone else's fault.  But that isn't really the point.

I wind up in a bad place with nothing left to do about it.  I get in my own head & often make it worse.  Then some other BS makes everything much worse.  So my issues get pushed back.  I don't want to add onto the overall BS.

This morning isn't helping.  It's hazy & dim.  I'm feeling pretty worn out from yesterday.   I really didn't need to wake up today.   That would've been fine.

Oh well, off to handle Friday stuff.  Take care.

Cya...

More More More...

 

We had a bit of good news Friday & I should've known that wasn't actually a good thing.   A single thing off our load & we got more dumped on us almost immediately.  Besides the ongoing issues with this damn house.  There's another health issue & the asshat bees have returned.  I can't do anything about either issue.  

We're still finding out things & who knows how long this take.   Of course the weather is supposed to crap out.  Add to all of this, a male cat has decided he's a singer & won't shut up.   He's been going all morning.

Yesterday was hard.  I'm not sleeping well.  I spent most of the day with a low, anxious buzz.  I'm so over it even my cheeks feel tired.  I'm want everything to shut up & work.  If this is all that's left in my life, just let me off the ride.

Cya...

Enjoy The Sunshine...

 

It's sunny this morning & it might be the last bright morning for a while.  Storms & rain are in the upcoming forecast.  Again, we need the rain, but I need the light.  

I've been trying to get out of this funk I've been in for a while.  It isn't working well.  There's too much ongoing & newly added crap buzzing in my head.  The light won't stay more than a day or so.  

The weather could lighten up some.  It'd be nice if some things just fell in line & got out of our lives for a while.  Maybe.

Cya...

Rough Mornings...

 

I've been trying to get better sleep.  I think I actually am, it's just not doing any good.  It's a bright morning & I woke up well enough at 1st.  I didn't jolt or anything.  For a bit I'm fine & then I'm not.  I'm just lowkey anxious, irritated & overwhelmed.  

Things haven't been that great for me.  It's be a lot of going.  Now, it seems like I'm going to lose some things.  There's a sense of something.  Dread's too strong a word, but something unpleasant is headed my way & I'm not going to be able to avoid it.

I'm tired of losing, confrontations, stress, illness, feeling so spent, etc...  I'm really over sounding like a sound-bite.  That's my life, suck on repeat.  There is no better, it's only downhill.  Everytime I think there may be something else, I'm shown how wrong I was.

That's my meh post for this morning.

Cya..

More On...

 

I'm trying not to be bouncing off the walls anxious, but it's not going well.  It's the proverbial domino effect of crap.  I still don't have the van back, they didn't get finished.  I thought that would be the worse news I got yesterday.  I was wrong.  The ice-maker in the refrigerator isn't working & it's causing a small leak.  Of course this happened on Friday & we can't get anyone until Monday.

I've been trying to write about the return of the little blue flowers in the yard.  Normally, they can make me happy, but that's a tall order this year.  They still make me smile.  Warmer, brighter days are on the way.  Just 15 days until the time change.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Not So Great...

 

Winter is getting to me; I'm cold, achy & anxious.  This week hasn't been easy so far & it's going to get worse.  Sunday night the internet went out.  It was back on by the morning.  But Monday morning, I was dealing aches, nosebleeds & then the car had an issue.  Tuesday's appointment started early & lasted throughout the day.  We didn't have everything wrapped up until around 4 PM.  This morning I woke to no internet again.  Optimum won't even give time estimates any more.  There's supposed to be bad weather all weekend.  I'm just exhausted already.

There was nothing going on last night, but I still felt anxious.  My body felt like it was vibrating, even though I was OK.  I'm tired of everything being a challenge or problem.  

There are some improvements happening for my roomie.  There are plans.  I should be happy, but everything these days makes me anxious.  These are good things & need to happen.  I'm just worried about the process, fall-out & possible disasters.  

I haven't been in a good place for a long time.  I don't see that happening anytime soon.  I'm on edge.  Too much could screw up or change badly.  The worse thing is, so little of these things are in our control.

Life shouldn't be like this & I realize so many people have it a lost worse than I do.  If I was them, I really think, I'd already checked out of life.  None of this is worth being this constantly anxious & distressed.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Worn Down...

 

I'm to the point where doing much of anything seems like a monumental effort.   This Summer sucked.   The weather was mostly dismal or blazing, yet still somehow dark.  Among all the appointment, our youngest cat passed.  Then the other had to go to the vet.  There were the endless trips of taking the car to fixed.  This Summer cost us.  

Then the days got shorter & the damn 'Ber months showed up.  There was my hellish birth month.  It's dark earlier & I've had to get the house ready for Winter.  The yard is handled & most of the house is closed up.  Each window I closed felt like I sealing myself further into some dark hole.  There's no breeze, little light, no fans to buffer noise, it's just grey.  Soon, the time change will happen & make it all worse.

2025 is in the top 5 of my worst years.  Now this orange stain & his asshat army have screwed up & my benefits will be suspended.  His followers have no sympathy, decorum or grace.  It'd be nice if there was a plague to end them all.  If that happened, I bet they be better treated than they would've treated anyone else.

I'm barely doing anything.  If given the option for a good out, I can see myself happily taking it.  There are things left for my roomie, but not me.  There hasn't been for some time.  If all I can muster is just an anxious existence than I'd rather not.

Sorry for the downer.

Cya...

Busy Week & Mid Month...

 

It's going to be a busy week.  Besides our normal errands & shopping,  we'll have an outing tomorrow & an appointment on Thursday.   The following Monday will be another out of town appointment.  This is going to packed, add to that the car's acting up.  

It was a brighter, but cooler morning.  It could've been nice if every bit of racket hadn't happened.  The street department was doing something loud for a while.  Outdoor cats were fighting & buses ran.   I needed a good morning, as if that was going to happen.

It's Fall, the light & weather are weird, ragweed is awful, we just got our 1st dose of the Shingles vaccine & there's a lot to do while the car is being a pain.  I'm anxious & spent.  It's trying everything I've got.  The only way I ever get crap-free day is by doing nothing & not leaving the house.  Even that screws up half the time.

Here's hoping for an easy week.  If not, at least a salvageable & solvable week.   If the car screws up, let them be able to find & fix it without breaking the bank.  It'd be nice for things to work.

Cya...

Season Issues...

 

Yesterday was cooler & I tried to enjoy it.  But it was also dark.  I tried not to focus on it, but I knew it.  The only reason the light's changing & the slightly cooler day happened is that the season is winding down.  I hate the end of Summer.  Nothing good happens past that point.  The last couple of Summer's haven't been that great.  They've stayed dark throughout most of June. The sunlight only came with blazing temps.   

It's been getting darker earlier.  I do my best not to look as the streetlamp goes on.  But I still notice it.  My birthday is 3 Mondays from today.   I really don't want to see it.  It's not the getting older, it's the everything getting worse.  I've wanted the same thing for years, not see another birthday.  My day leads into the dark of the year & nothing good will come my way.  It's already been a hard year & I'm tired.  

Ever since the stroke & the anesthesia for the colonoscopy, I've been more aware of how little there is for me in this life.  Each year, there's less & I don't think there's anything I can do about that.  I've spent too much of my life without hope & I'm tired of being like some unwanted toy on an isle.

Sorry for the depressing post, but it's where I'm at right now.  To the dark of the year people who revel in my helltime, may it do you in this year.  May you freeze, suffer from SAD, be alone, powerless & without any thought as to how it could get better.  If you go that for a day, then you'd have the briefest glimpse of what it's like for some of us once Summer ends.

Cya...

This Weekend...

 

These last few days have been rough on me.  The drear & weather left me achy & off.  The aches are settling, but my nerves are still twitchy.  I was really hoping for a better Summer than last year.  Last Summer seemed so short.  I hope this time, it's brighter.  I think I'm trying to catch up from a few years back.  Dealing with HIV is hard, but sometimes I wonder if SAD isn't just as rough.  They play into each other & my meds can lead to anxiety & stress issues.  

Spring is almost over & other than rain, it was about useless.  My sleep & SAD feel like I'm just getting into March.  I can only control what I can & that's not the weather.

That's all for now.  It's time to go shopping.  Take care.

Cya...

Low Key...

 

High levels of anxiety are overwhelming & immediately exhausting.  People can understand that.  But when you're dealing with chronic illness, SAD or other life affecting matters that seemingly won't end, they can be just as problematic.

I've been trying to get passed the proverbial Winter blues for some time, but they're still here.  March & April were both fairly rough months.   May hasn't been as rough, but the darkness has lingered.  Storms & clouds are in the forecast until the start of June.   

A solid week of light would do wonders for me.  Instead it's mostly just haze, drear & darkness.  That is when it's not storming.  At some point with SAD & the anxiousness that comes with it, you feel like you're sort of buzzing from stress of it.   The whole things is frustrating & exhausting.  If the damn clouds would just roll out.

At least it's keeping the temps down.  But these conditions are also adding to the pollen, bugs, drear & need for mowing.  A muggy 86° is far worse than a dry 92°.

That's it for now.  We have to go shopping for the weekend.  Take care.

Cya...

Bad Morning...

 

I had a bad wake up this morning.  It was dark & humid.  I did jolt awake & then just sat there sort of vibrating trying to figure out everything.  SAD is still playing out for me & the stress of the month has taken its toll.  

I was anxious about everything;  the house, the car, my roomie, the mailbox, the cats, etc...  The problem is not all of is without cause.   When this happens, I can't get myself to let go & just breathe for a moment.  

I haven't had that many of these wakeups this year, but any is too much.  They're exhausting & consuming.   Too bad, the rest of the month & the beginning of April look to be some dark BS. 

My blood pressure's a little low this morning & I'm dehydrated.  I'll start feeling better in a bit.  Even so, this sucks & everything I'm worrying about could be a problem.  I don't know & I'm all out of energy & tricks.

Mornings suck, especially when they're dark.

Cya...

Further Developments...

 

This piece is over Gilead pushing their injectable lencapavir from a twice a year subcutaneous injection to an annual intramuscular application.  According to research, the results show a better concentration of the medicine than the current approach.  The yearly shot had a higher dosage & injection site pain was common.  

For those not interested or can't get the injections, Merck has developed another daily med with only 2 drugs.  I don't know much on it so far, but I found this article.  

We have an unexpected errand today.  I hope things go well.  I tried to do better yesterday.  I didn't & spent most of the day on edge.  Everything keeps piling on & I can't keep up or handle it.   I'm not sure how things will go, but I am trying.   It just doesn't seem to be enough.

That's all for now.

Cya...

Jittery...

 

I've had a couple of bad wake ups the last few days.  Not nearly as bad they've been in the past.  I didn't jolt straight up & stay on a cortisol ride.  But, I did wake up jittery & shaken.  The weather's changing finally, but I have a lot of pent up issues from SAD.   

I can sort of understand agoraphobics in a basic sense.  There are mornings when the idea of getting out of bed & opening my door is very hard.  Even if I feel OK, there's always something past the threshold that's going to cause me grief & agitation.  It's always when I'm least capable of dealing with anything that the crap happens.  

There's been a lot going on; problems with everything, our health issues, bills, anxiety about things going on that could affect us, etc...  We're handling what we can, but there's a lot that's beyond us.  That doesn't mean these things still aren't affecting us.  

Most of what's happening isn't gigantic, but some is bigger than us.  I don't how to fix any of it.  I doubt we have the means.  If it all wouldn't come as such a dog pile of crap.  I know there's nothing more I can do & that worries me.  

I'm glad I've been able to help me roommate & the cats, but I haven't been able to help myself.  The problem is no one around is capable either.  I've tapped my resources & abilities.  Now it feels like I'm just shaking apart.  Whichever way it happens, this needs to end or at least massively lessen.

That's my sort of rant for now, take care.

Cya...

March Flux...

 

Sometimes I wish life had a pause button.  There are points when I just need a bit to collect my wits & catch my breath.  I've been trying for sometime just to come down off the anxiety & nerves, but there's always something.   That doesn't even have to be a bad thing, it's just another thing to be handled.  I've been running on empty for a while & fumes ran out sometime ago.  I'm just barely coasting, trying get back.

March is here & it's a notoriously sketchy month.  The light & dark, really warm meets too cold, nothing & everything.  March is a month of contradictions & it's hard on people.  It's especially rough on those dealing with SAD.  It's still here, no it's ending, no it's back.  Enough with the indecision, just give me a moment.

It's the beginning of the month & we have a lot on our plates.  Besides all the normal bills & errands, there are appointments.  There's a venture into an unknown for us.  Well it's an uncertainty, so it's bound to cause trepidation.  None of this means things will go badly.  It just means they have to be handled & there might be fallout.

Add to that all the uncertainty due to the orange stain & the world's a rough place right now.  Everyone's looking for a foothold & there aren't that many.  There's only so many high points & everyone's playing king of the mountain.

I'm fairly sure we'll get through this.  I'm just not sure how.  I'm spent, tired & anxious.  I don't see any change soon.  It'd be nice to be wrong & get a respite.

Take care.

Cya...