Out There...

 

I should be feeling better.  It's been brighter & warmer, but I'm still waking frazzled.   The pollen isn't helping.  It's mainly all the stuff we have hanging, waiting to be handled.  Unfortunately most of it isn't something I can do anything about.  What I can, isn't ready yet.  Some of it's stuff my roomie handles, but she's busy too.  

I'm not waking up in an angry, panicked jolt.  But I'm still opening my eyes & feeling very overwhelmed & solo.   I know I'm not alone, but there's just so much going on.  There's a lot waiting to get done.

I have no idea how things are going to playout & that rattles me.  It could be smooth sailing or utter wreckage.  I don't even know when it'll actually be over or what will be left when it's done.

I hate mornings.  There isn't enough of me that early, to put myself back together, before I deal with things.  It'd be nice if waking wasn't almost always a bad option.

Cya...

Glum...

 

Things aren't going the best for me at the moment.  Between car issues, darkening skies, weird weather & a busy schedule, I'm just frazzled.  I'm trying to hold it together, but I don't think I'm doing that well.

Besides my roomie & cat, there's very little I don't have a certain level of disdain for as things stand.  The car, the season, the weather, life in general...  If there were serious options, I think I could let go of most, if not all of it.

Fall's arriving & I don't have hopes for it.  I just have dread & resentment.  Maybe things will go better than I expect.  That would be a nice surprise.  But, it being nice, makes very unlikely to happen for me.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Never Ending...

 

Being 58 has been like being at a really bad buffet where they keep loading your plate with things you never wanted.  There's been more of the typical crap like car stuff & house crap.  Then there were trips to the vet for both cats & now we're down to just Millie.  It's been hurry up, wait, spend a lot & stress even more.  Add to that, the crappy people of this country elected that orange bastard.   Him & his ilk are always  a threat.

My SAD hit early last year & I think it will again.  I'm really noticing the changing light.  I've got labs to be drawn & a telemedicine appointment coming up.  Big, new stress could be lurking on the edge.  I won't say much about it, because I'm not sure of anything.  I just know, I don't trust the situation.  I could be wrong, but so little goes our way.  During all of this, my roomie has had several ongoing health matters she's been dealing with.  They seem to be going well, but they take effort & planning.

We haven't really had our normal holiday routine since COVID.  We're trying, but things just aren't cooperating.  58 has been about stress, expense, lose, worry & exhaustion.  Life needs more off ramps.  I need to step away from this plate that things keep piling crap on.  I've had way more than my fill.

Cya...

January's Last Oops...

 

Today is the last day of January 2024.  I used to have favorite months & times of the year.  Now, at least for me, they all seem off & wrong.  Mind you, they're distinctive levels & flavors of awfulness, but still pretty trying.  Winter is my least favorite season.  Take the dark, freezing temps & throw the in a trash fire. 

The oops of this post is something unexpected.  I don't know if it is exactly belongs for here.  Maybe it's perfectly fitted for my blog.   Elmo, yes Elmo, on his Twitter (refuse to use X) asked a simple question on the 29th.   This piece covers it more, but it's all over the net.  He asked...

Elmo is just checking in! How is everybody doing?

9:46 AM · Jan 29, 2024

·

177.3M

Views

The question was met with a tidal wave of emotional responses.  People described their fear, anxieties, worries...   A muppet asked a benign question & was met with an avalanche of social angst, aggravation, frustration & trauma. 

The question may have been simplex.  It may have been mundane.  But the response was far off the mark from what was probably expected.   Maybe it shouldn't have been.  Did the little bit of fun fur just poked the dike in the weakest place & send a torrent spewing forth?  Maybe this will start a conversation.  It could be cathartic.  Maybe some people will realize just how hard things have been on themselves & others.

This isn't an easy time for anyone.  With what's going on in the world, in this country, how could it be?  People are spent.  They're down to their last nerve & all out of spoons.  Maybe, just try being kind.  If you can't be kind, just walk away & let people be.

Goes to show, even the smallest comment can lead to a firestorm.   Have a heart, be kind.  Some days we're all strays who just need a little compassion.

Goodbye January.

Take care.

Cya...

I Hate Mornings...

 

I hate mornings, that means I woke up again.  Waking is the major culprit in this matter.  When it happens I'm angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, scared, anxious & so much more.  I feel betrayed that I woke up to here again.  This place has never treated me that well & each year it just gets worse.   When morning comes & I wake up, it's like I'm facing all of that for the 1st time.  I have no idea how to handle any of it & I don't want to even try.  If there were a button to hit to make you go back to sleep forever, I'd hit it every morning.  

At the moment, it seems everything in my life is failing, breaking or incapable of helping.  Both cars have issues, the house is ancient, appliances are decrepit, furniture needs replaced, the cats are the cats, etc...  This was stuff I used to be able to solve, but now every plan falls through.  Then more crap falls, like cable outages, TV's fritzing & power blips while appliances are running.  No single thing is devastating.  It's just all of them snowballing are overwhelming me.

My roomie is making plans to help her situation.  I hope they work.  I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be of any good to anyone.  

I'm waking up more now & my biggest trick can begin.  I'll lie to myself again & make myself believe this will all work out somehow.  I've done it all my life.  It's probably how I"ve hurt myself the most.  But it's the only way I can through day let alone a life.  I'll keep telling myself, things will work out.  I can't do that in the morning.  That me isn't buying my BS song & dance. 

I'll most likely get through today.  Still I'd hit that never wake up button every morning.  This definitely isn't an E-Ticket ride.  Life deserves the worst Yelp review.

Cya...

Oh Well...

 

I didn't have high hopes for anything, but I thought maybe I could get a single good day to start the month.  I'm not sure why I had such expectations, I don't get those things anymore.  November started off with carry over BS, things breaking, needs for my attention to do things & people in poor, snappy moods.  

I just needed a day without crap, especially new crap, even if it was potentially a good thing.  I just needed a day.  I'm back to dreading mornings.  I have no idea what's lurking out there.  What's going to break, need something or snap.  This has been going on for a long time now.  I'm just about to retreat to my room, close the door & not come out.  Let everything & everyone else fix their own shit.  I can barely handle mine, some times, not even that. 

My rant is over for a bit, but the crap will keep coming.  Oh well, a good month would've been nice.  I guess that's why I didn't get it.

Cya...

More Fallout...

 

US COVID numbers may be going down, but the virus is far from being under control.  There are parts of  the world, where the numbers are as high as they ever were.  Parts of Asia, especially China, are facing incredible levels of COVID due to the latest variant.    

Last March 4th, I got my 1st dose of Moderna's vaccine, a month later I got the 2nd, the booster came in December.  There may be a 4th dose, who knows?  They have numbers of those who were infected, who were hospitalized & those who died from COVID.  Those numbers are inaccurate.

There are people like me, who may have had an early, unidentified case of COVID.   It's known there were cases in my area when I was hospitalized with what they thought was pneumonia.  They never really knew what was wrong with me.

The numbers don't count all the people who died, because they couldn't get into COVID flooded hospitals.  Many died of normal health issues & trauma & they aren't counted in the COVID deaths.  A lot of people withered & died early due to lack of social contact, consider the housebound & rest home residents.   

Then there is the fallout of people not being able to  be tested/treated for HIV, TB, hepatitis, STI's, cancer, etc...  There has been a report of surges in alcohol/drug usage during the pandemic.  Not surprisingly, alcohol/drug related incidents, illnesses & deaths also jumped.  People with mental illness & the disabled have mostly been left to their own devices, which were limited to begin with. 

I didn't cite articles in this post.  Google an aspect of it & you find many pieces of each part.  Those affected by COVID, directly or not, have been severely underreported.  This wasn't out of malice,  but due to being overwhelmed, ill prepared & unaware of those in need outside the imminent presence of COVID.  COVID was a disaster in every way.   The fallout may never be completely understood or known.  It has happened, is happening & will continue long after this virus is contained.  

Sometimes an illness is more than just a diagnosis.  Disasters impact regions, not just the epicenter of  the event.  We have to accept that what affects part of the whole, eventually impacts the entirety of it all.  Until then, we will always wind up right back in the same place we are now.

Cya...

Over It...

It's my last month of being 53 & this year has mostly sucked.  I'm still dealing with a lot medical crap due to a stroke, maybe pneumonia & doctor office changes.   I was hospitalized & then thought things were getting better.  Then COVID happened, then asshat riots, excuse me protests, & then stupid rallies.   People wiped out things like toilet paper & cat food.  They were afraid of losing something to wipe with, but won't wear masks, social distance or  cooperate with 1-way aisles at stores.   

This may sound awful, but other than mine, I don't care if most of them fall over dead.  If they can't be bothered to protect themselves, all I can do is take care of me.  We live in a world of clashing storms of idiocy.  The best we can hope for is that they off each other.

I'm tired & this year overwhelmed me.  I doubt I'll be able to anything for my birthday.   I never do much, but even that'll be gone now.  I don't care if these people die.  I just wish they'd do it faster.  I'm tired of their drama.  It's an awful production full of nobodies, has-beens & never-weres.  They've had their 15 minutes, let the curtain drop.  I'd like to enjoy part of my next year.

F'off to those people making this COVID crap last longer.

Cya...

Laden...

Laden is an odd word, we don't use it much anymore.  But we overladen at the moment.   We're dealing with loss of security, perceived slights, inconveniences, fears, economic crunches, etc...  It's scary & we are very overladen by all of it. 

Most of the articles are rehash & reaction.  Many were already struggling just to handle HIV.  Now, there's COVID & all its fallout.  On top of that, life goes on, like it or not.

All I can say, try to breathe.   Step as far away as you can, shut your eyes & just breathe.  It won't solve all your problems, but it might calm you enough to better face them.

Here's a video that's circling.  It's Larry Kramer's furious HIV speech.

Cya...