Friday Issues...

 

If something around here is going break or screw up, it'll most likely be on a Friday night.   That leaves us the weekend to deal with whatever messed up.  Last night, my blood pressure monitor crapped out on me.  It kept giving me odd readings.  I tried to adjust the positioning, nothing worked.  By the time, I switched to my old cuff, I'd irritated myself & my reading was higher than it should've been.  The old cuff read a little high anyway.

At 1st, I thought it was bad batteries, but those in it were newer.  I tried some others & still nothing.   I'd planned on getting up this morning & going to get better batteries.  But, I thought to look up the lifespan of a blood pressure cuff.  I'm way past the time given as an average.  This morning I ordered a new cuff from Walmart.  It should be here today.  

We'll see how this goes.  Take care.

Cya...

It's Back...

 

Fix-It February is in full swing.  So much has broken then needed repaired or replaced.  This has been an expensive month for us.  The month is almost over.  The van's back, but that cost us a lot.  Hopefully, nothing else major will happen to it, before we can afford something newer.

So far, there's zip on our plate for today.  It needs to stay that way.  Both of us have had & still have too much going on.  We need a day of nothing.  This month has been tiring, expensive & frustrating.

That's it for today, take care.

Cya...

Telemed Effectiveness...

 

I'm not sure the this article offers much I haven't already discussed.  This piece is from Rutgers & details their take on the effectiveness of telehealth in handling patients with HIV.  It's straightforward & brief, but handles the points.  It's a good jumping off point.  There aren't as many articles over telemed results as you'd expect.

The seasons have changed & it shows.  The light, air & temps have all altered.   I'm already feeling different & I don't like it.   

I don't need more issues.  I'm a fairly broke person living in a broken down house located in a broke ass town.   That's all firmly tucked into a stupid state in a country that may screw me over with the next election.  Nothing  around me is working in any way seriously helpful to me.  Something's eventually going to give.  It might as well be me.  Then I wouldn't have to worry about the rest of it.

The leaves fell & my mood went with them.  Take care.

Cya...

Not Good...

 

I didn't have a good day yesterday.   A lot of things just didn't go well.  Most of them weren't big, but they piled up.  I'm just done.  I can't fix anything, anymore.  But, that's who it'll fall to, me.  Because no one else is going to do it or much of anything else for me.  It's gotten passed the point of me just not wanting to.  It's really to, I just can't.  

This year has sucked & my birthday is this Sunday.  All I really want for it, is not to be here.  I don't think I can handle another year of this.  I'm just too broken & I may very well be missing pieces by now.  Other than my roomie & some cats, I don't have anything.  I'm trying to let those be enough.  But, there's nothing I want anymore except to get off this ride.  I'm tired, achy & usually scared.  This shouldn't be life.  I'm glad my parents are dead.  I hate them for condemning me to this life.

I should be in a better.  My labs did well.  It'll be cooling soon.  My birthday is near.  But, I just want to sleep & not wake up.   Abortion should be legal & highly recommended. 

Cya...

Of Course That Happened...

 

There was an "Of Course" moment yesterday.  I went to turn on the AC for the 1st time & it didn't turn on.  I figured somehow it had come unplugged.  I was sort of right.  At some point, the kitten knocked some heavy stuff off a shelf & broke the AC plug.  Now we have to wait & see if the power cord can be replaced or if we have to get a new AC.  

I know I should've already tried it, but I can't keep up with everything on my own.  I just can't.  Most of the time I'm too scattered & exhausted to keep with much anymore.  I've spent a lot of the last few years overwhelmed, fatigued & anxious.  There always seems to be something going on with everyone & everything else.  It somehow always takes priority & I don't get better.  I'm tired & sometimes I just can't.  Then things slip through, because I'm usually the only person holding the proverbial bag.

I'm tired & I'm getting angry.  But everything & everyone else always has their reasons why that it's dumped in my corner.  Another thing to try to tend to.  I can't anymore

Cya...

Broken...

 

I've seen a lot of broken people on TV lately.  Characters on trashy dramas, British crime series & even reality shows.  Sometimes damaged or hurt people are confused for the broken.   But the damaged & hurt faced trauma or hardship as adults.  The truly broken's entire childhood was a series of abuse, suffering, neglect, deprivement, abandonment...  A damaged adult might recover, the broken don't.

My roomie asked me a simple question.  Did I love our new kitten.  I didn't really answer.  I disdain that word sometimes.  Love isn't a thing I really get, ever really felt & definitely do not understand.  I can be very attached to people & things.  I can care greatly for them.  I can be hurt when they're gone.  But I don't know if that's love.  I don't know if that's something, I'm really capable of.  Maybe that's the case with  a lot of aromantics.  

I am among the broken.  We tend to find others.  Sometimes we get around those who aren't broken.  It doesn't tend to go well for either side.  They think we can be fixed or just get over it.  We tend think they're naive & someday will fall hard.  

The broken can try to support other broken people.  It doesn't always go well.  We're trying to put a puzzle together missing pieces.   Neither side is solid & both are fraying.  

Broken people are like zombies, we can spread out breakage.  To the innocent, seeing the breakage in process can be a horror show.  Trying to understand a broken can be overwhelming & many have to leave.  Children of the broken are almost guaranteed to be broken.  It's generational & contagious.   There is no real cure except avoidance.

I do my best to look after the stray cats.  It's not much, but it's what I can do.  They didn't ask to be out there scared, hungry & alone.   But broken people can only hold on for so long before we break again.  Many of us would love to give the charity we never received.  But we can't.  We don't have the resources or the reserves.  It just reminds us how futile it all is & how broken we are.

I do care for the kitten.  I don't know if I love anything.  I thought I did as a kid, maybe I even did then.  But now, that's an emotion as distant & weird to me as any sci-fi alien.  I don't get it.  I'll do what I can for the kitten, but I will get annoyed & frustrated.  I'll try to help those around me, but I can't do much.  I've spent most my life around other broken people & they could only ever do so much.  It's never enough.

To the "normal" people that have been in my life.  Some of you ran away because my life was too much.  Some of you were arrogant enough to try to fix me.  Most of you were foul tempered beasts sniping from some perceived high ground.  You may not have been broken, but that didn't mean you were good people or better than me.  It just meant you were vile, judgy and hateful.  Maybe that was your kind of breakage.

Sorry for the downer post. 

Take care.

Cya...

So Very Not Good...

 

It's very dark this morning & I'm not doing well.  I woke more nerved out than I have been in a while.  Everything keeps making demands, breaking, needing & I just can't.  There's been so much going on & so little getting resolved.  I really hate waking up.  It means there's probably something waiting for me.  It's almost always dark.  There are car troubles, furniture issues, phones, health, mailboxes & the list goes on.  I used to think I could handle a couple of them at a time.  Now I'm not so sure, especially when they all happen at once.  Does anything good ever come from waking up?  I'm tired, broken & it seems some of my pieces are missing.

Cya...

November Breaking...

 

It's November.  2 more more months of this 2021 mess.  October was not a good month for me.  I've hit SAD early.  I might have moved out of it but things kept piling on.  Things to do & fix keep piling up.  Everything seems to be breaking.  I'm floundering & I know there's not a lot much more I can handle.  It takes a lot for me to leave my room in the morning.   Everything & everyone is going to have to handle their own crap, I can't for a while.  Maybe if things back off for a bit, I can pull myself back together.  If not I'm just going to stay in my room & scream at everything.

Goodbye October, you sucked.  Hello November, I'd  love  it if your were better.  I doubt that will happen, but it'd be nice.  For now, the part of me that holds it together & does things is closed for business & I'm not sure for how long.

I hope everyone else had a better October & will have a good November.  Take  care.

Cya...

No More...

This won't be pleasant.  Yet again, I didn't find any articles to write about.  The weather is still difficult.  I feel fairly poor & I'm really stressed.  There's a list of things that need handled.  Any of them could move from a "should be handled" to a "must be handled now" at any instant.  The TV is acting weird & it not even a year old.  We need a lot of things replaced.  There are house, medical, dental & more.  I can't anymore.  I hate waking up, because I know what's waiting for me.

Occasionally, I'll be asked what I'd like for this or that.  I never have an answer.  The only thing I've ever really wanted, I'll never get.  I just wanted to feel safe, secure in the moment.  I don't think I ever have.  No wonder I'm always nervous.  Some people may be worse off than me, but I'd never wish my life on anyone.   Being this anxious & scared is exhausting.   The only thing I want is the thing I'll never have.

I'm tired & I just can't & I doubt that will change.  

Cya...

Stuff Happens...

We have to go shopping today & it might entail going to Fort Smith again.   The DVD player on my roomie's computer blitzed apart.  It was a crappy drive from the beginning & it was several years old on a cheapish computer.    Things like that don't last.  So, a replacement is order.  We'll get a usb DVD drive for her computer.   It'll be cheaper & easier than an actual replacement drive.  I might be able to find here in town, who knows.

Take care.

Cya...