Figured It Out...

 

Since my screening on Wednesday, something's been bothering me.  At 1st I couldn't figure it out.  Sure I was worn out by the process & it's taking a bit to get back.  The procedure went well & it's over.  But since then, there's been a lot of crap screwing up to some degree; cars, doors, computers, kittens...  This stuff is constant agita.  And we have a hell election coming up that could be very well ruin what little life I have.   But I was still wondering what was really bothering me.

I finally figured it out.  During the colonoscopy, then put me under.  I didn't even notice going under, it was easy.  Ever since I woke, part of me has been angry.  That brief bit of time I was under was the most peaceful I'd been in decades.  There wasn't any fighting, stress dreams, fear, anxiety.  I wasn't fighting to stay asleep.  I just wasn't.  Then I woke up & it all came back. 

Maybe it's morbid, but if I hadn't woke up, all that would've stayed gone & I could've just not been.   I don't remember the last time I was that relaxed & peaceful.  It's fairly likely, the answer is never.   Maybe it's just a reaction to the meds, but I've been in borderline panic & anxiety fit ever since.  

I hate waking, it's always so horrible for me.  If there had ever been any kindness in this world, I would've stayed where that was.  Guess I have my answer on that.

Cya... 

Nearly Over...

 

The year is winding down & it's going as it has before.  Even though I'm fairly removed from the holiday activities & cheer I still notice how much of a trick it is.  People still get built up & then it's not what was expected.  

Still people play along with the charade so they don't bring others down.  Some of us don't handle the pantomime well any more.  We can't hide how crestfallen the situation has left us.   The real question is, what if all of us are just playing a part & no one really has the spirit any longer?  What then?  

Is that what happened?  Did we all look behind the curtain?  I won't say this is the worst Christmas season for me.  None of us are sick & we have no major drama playing out.   Still, this has been a very lackluster season with so little joy & cheer.  Maybe the world choked out all the merriment & mirth. 

I miss the lights & sparkle.  I miss the wonder.  Not so much for the bell-ringers, but I only saw 1 Salvation Army bell-ringer.  They used to everywhere throughout the season.  There's so little brightness, cheer or charity left.  Maybe the season is a tradition past.

There's just another weekend & then the final count of 2023 begins.  There's just the Day & 2 Eves left.  There's another trash day & a few more trips to the store.  I should feel something about this, but I don't really.   

May your year end well & holidays be grand.  Take care.

Cya...

The Show Is Over...

Last night, there was the typical display of fireworks in my area.  The neighbors did their thing & sitting from my porch, you could see the city display.  It was pretty & all that, but also noisy & pissed off the cats.  But, for now it's over & all that is left, is to clean up the mess.

The 4th was never that big a deal to me.  My family wasn't particularly political or patriotic, so those parts of the holiday were lost on me.  I like to look at the fireworks, but I don't have to be the one to light them, so I'm not into buying them.  

I guess the best thing about the 4th is watching little kids as the roman candles & fountains go off in bursts of wondrous colors.  Those are the few times that I think most kids still get to be children.  Wonder is a commodity suffering from a severe lack of supply these days.  People act like there is wonder in their lives, but there isn't.  That's just temporary surprise.  True wonder, well that just can't be faked.

For those instances when children find wonder is why I try not to gripe at the holidays too much.  To destroy wonder is an unforgivable crime.    With so little of the awe in our world, it's no wonder why so many of us are depressed.  It's no wonder why we try everything we can to fill the holes in our lives.  But, wonder can't be bought, it can only be experienced. 

Here's hoping you have a wondrous moment in your day

Cya