So Unsure...

 

My roomie & I have a plan how we're going to approach to the benefit cuts coming.  It isn't a solution, that's beyond us.  It's a buy some time strategy.  I hate this.

A lot of things I depend on are shifting & there's nothing I can do about it.  I'm tired of being at the whim of others.  People who aren't on assistance or disability have no idea how little control you have over aspects of your life.  Just when you think you've figured out the system, they change it or kill the whole thing.   They want you desperate & broken.  What they really want is for you to suffer & then die.

I haven't slept well in a while now.  It rained last night & I overslept this morning.  A train jolted me awake & I've still got the shakes from that.  Waking up is generally the worse thing I do every day.   Nothing good comes from it.

That's all for now.  I'm not sure when I'll be back to being me again.  I'm just an exhausted bundle of nerves & stress now.  Something needs to give soon.

Cya...

Article Drought...

Articles have been scarce ever since the orange stain reemerged.   What few are out there have been about aid cuts, that idiot RFK, long acting injections & a lot of rehash.  It's like a whirl of fallen leaves.  It looks like something might be there, but it's only old things milling about. 

It's not supposed to be quite as hot as yesterday.  That's not saying much if the humidity is up.  Hopefully, the moisture will burn off.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Not Good...

 

I didn't have a good day yesterday.   A lot of things just didn't go well.  Most of them weren't big, but they piled up.  I'm just done.  I can't fix anything, anymore.  But, that's who it'll fall to, me.  Because no one else is going to do it or much of anything else for me.  It's gotten passed the point of me just not wanting to.  It's really to, I just can't.  

This year has sucked & my birthday is this Sunday.  All I really want for it, is not to be here.  I don't think I can handle another year of this.  I'm just too broken & I may very well be missing pieces by now.  Other than my roomie & some cats, I don't have anything.  I'm trying to let those be enough.  But, there's nothing I want anymore except to get off this ride.  I'm tired, achy & usually scared.  This shouldn't be life.  I'm glad my parents are dead.  I hate them for condemning me to this life.

I should be in a better.  My labs did well.  It'll be cooling soon.  My birthday is near.  But, I just want to sleep & not wake up.   Abortion should be legal & highly recommended. 

Cya...

Threaten...

 

It threatened to storm last night & it was a little unsettling after last week.  There's a chance for storms all weekend.  I just hope none of them are too serious.  We don't need another round of that crap.

We got the trash & brush to the curb.   I was happy to see both gone when I got up.  That's another step between us & last week's microburst.  Every step helps.

That's about all for now.  We're still recovering from  all the storm BS.   It'd be nice to  not have  another big event any time soon.  It doesn't seem like it can just rain anymore.  It always has to be a storm.

Take care.

Cya...

The 2nd...

This is February 2nd of & the groundhog is supposed to predict the weather.  He's usually wrong.   Mostly we're expecting to be near or slightly above normal for mid Winter temps.  

Today's date 02,02,2020 is the first palindrome date in over 900 years.   Interesting, but rather useless trivia.  Still things like that are what make the news.

I'm tired & cold.   It's bright outside & supposed to be much warmer today.  I don't think it'll matter.   I've been sick & nervous for too long.  Sometimes I feel like I'm about to shake apart.  Anxiety, SAD, post stroke issues &  real life crap are overwhelming me.  I worry that even on the brightest, warmest Summer day, part of me is going to be tired & cold.  

My roomie told me not long ago, she thought I could be alright on my own if I had to be.  I couldn't.  This is very hard now.  By myself, it'd swallow me up.   

Life feels like an ebb tide dragging me farther from shore.  I'm sort of scared, but I'm not sure I have the strength to really care.  I care about my roomie & our cats, past that, not much.  I know I can't be alone & I can't do a nursing home.  That doesn't leave many choices.  Some day I may have to face that.  I hope not.

Sorry for being so down, but it's where I'm at now.  I can pull myself back for a bit.  Then everything grabs at me & I stumble.  I think I'm out of answers, quick fixes & my lucks seems to have left me.  I hate waking up.

Cya...

Cortisol Suckage...

I've had a few not great mornings this Fall.  This was my 1st super-stressed wake-up.  Some mornings I wake terrified or worried about everything.  Sometimes I feel like I've been given a heart-shot of adrenaline & I'm in a fight or flight moment, but I can't choose either.  Then there are murder mornings.  There are times when I wake up that I'm so seriously angry I could kill the world.  I might feel bad about in a hour or so, but in that moment I'd do it & laugh like an madman.

All those mornings have somethings in common.  I never feel rested.  I'm exhausted & sore.  Even after I come down, I'm still edgy for hours.  The villain of this story is cortisol.

This piece talks about morning anxiety.  It details the symptoms & their relation with the hormone cortisol.  This piece talks about how cortisol affects mental states.  Cortisol can affect blood pressure.  Its production can be affected by a host of environmental factors & health conditions, such as HIV.

Cortisol may be necessary, but it is such a bitch.

Cya...

No More...

This won't be pleasant.  Yet again, I didn't find any articles to write about.  The weather is still difficult.  I feel fairly poor & I'm really stressed.  There's a list of things that need handled.  Any of them could move from a "should be handled" to a "must be handled now" at any instant.  The TV is acting weird & it not even a year old.  We need a lot of things replaced.  There are house, medical, dental & more.  I can't anymore.  I hate waking up, because I know what's waiting for me.

Occasionally, I'll be asked what I'd like for this or that.  I never have an answer.  The only thing I've ever really wanted, I'll never get.  I just wanted to feel safe, secure in the moment.  I don't think I ever have.  No wonder I'm always nervous.  Some people may be worse off than me, but I'd never wish my life on anyone.   Being this anxious & scared is exhausting.   The only thing I want is the thing I'll never have.

I'm tired & I just can't & I doubt that will change.  

Cya...

Scare...

OK, my computer gave me a scare this morning.   It didn't go through it's normal boot cycle.  It stopped at the log in & told me my password was incorrect.  I restarted & it went through.  I hope this isn't the end of the system.  I really don't want to deal with that right now.  

Rattled, more tomorrow.

Cya....

No Promises...

I'm not doing much better this morning & I have no idea when I will be.  If this disability review goes well, I'll calm down some, but not entirely.  If it doesn't, I don't know.  I'm angry & scared.  I don't have options.  

Everyday, I see people on the news actively trying to limit my life.  To hell with them.  I'm done being nice with these people.  I wish every horrible thing on them & their lives.  

I'm not in a good place & I don't when I will be again. I know there are a lot of decent people out there,  But, it becomes more apparent everyday there are more assholes than whitehats.    Even if this resolves itself in my favor.  I won't forget those people who would  cause harm to my life.  

I'm sorry, but I just can't be positive today.

Cya...