Short Post Baby Steps...

The post is going to be short today.  It's storming here in Oklahoma & the electricity has flickered once already.   So a short post it is.  

This one is about me & some baby steps I'm taking.  I've mentioned I've been watching my blood pressure for a bit.  I've decided there are some things I can do in my life before resorting to more meds.   I've been slowly changing my diet & adding some physical activity into my life, I refuse to call it by the "E" word.(Exercise)  Weirdly enough, I have this blog to thank somewhat for my choice to engage in this undertaking.

This blog reminded me that I'm a Virgo, dammit.  If I choose to embrace something in my life & not have it forced on me I can get used to just about any regimen.  I have blogged continuously for over 15 months now.  I can make a habit out of any thing, not that that's always such a good thing.

As important as it is for me to choose the new addition(s) in my life, they have to relatively unnoticeable at first.  The diet aspect about this has focused more positive rewards (introducing something good), instead of negative sanctions, (removing something).  I've cut back on the amount of junk food, but not removed it from my diet.  Instead, I have focused on eating much more fruit than I was.  Also, I have tried to make sure that I have a fairly plain, side salad with low cal dressing or vinegar & oil several times a week.  I have been more consistent with my vinegar lately.  Apple Cider Vinegar can work wonders for you, Google it.

Onto the activity part.  In February, I decided I can handle adding 5 minutes of movement to my daily roster.   Everyday, I got up & did a mix of little-kid wiggles, toe-touching, squats, walking in place & any thing else I could do in 5 minutes.  Even that was cause to be sore for the first couple of days, but I kept at it.  In March I added 5 - 8 minutes in the midday.  I'm doing mostly leg lifts, crunches & incline push-ups there.  In April, I added 5 minutes in the late afternoon, this is mostly floor work with reverse leg lifts & leg pumps.  In May I will added another 5 minutes across the board & so on in June, until I am up to 30 minutes a day of physical activity not already part of my daily routine.

I know, 5 minutes a day, woohoo, stop the presses.  I'm really good at the sarcasm & my favorite exercise is the eye-roll.  But I had to start somewhere & I knew if I started with too much, I'd quit in a heartbeat.  Now this physicality is becoming part of my routine.  Hopefully in a few months, it'll pay off.  I'll lose some weight & lower my blood pressure.  Here's to baby steps.  I guess this wasn't such a short post after all.

Cya...

Changes, Bah Yuck...

I am a Virgo & thus not overly fond of change, especially not change dropped at my doorstep, unannounced & unrequested.  Be that as it may, that is exactly what has been happening lately. First, we had to alter the car insurance plans.  Then there were the earthquakes (may I remind you that this is Oklahoma).  Now my dental insurance is feeling left out & wanting some attention as well.

Apparently they are phasing out the plan I am currently on.  Why, you ask?  I have no idea.  The plan I selected looks like the one I had with higher costs for some services.  Why didn't they just raise my premium, instead of making me go through this change?  I would ask more questions of the customer service people at the insurance office, but I am relatively sure they have no more idea about this matter than I do.  Very Comforting. (That was slight sarcasm)

Again I am a Virgo & not overly fond of change.

Another Trash-Day...

It may be a little weird, but I actually like trash-day.  I may not totally be into taking out the trash, but I do like the concept of it.  I like the fact that the refuse is leaving our home.  I like knowing that whatever amount of garbage left our home, is no longer part of our lives.

We've gotten way better about how much we keep & throw away.  We don't take near as many bags to the curb as we used to.  We have cut back without even really noticing it.  It's gratifying to know that we are wasting less.  That we are spending less, at least partially, because we choose to.

Then again, I am a Virgo & we Virgos do love our rituals.  The garbage ritual is a good example of that.  This ritual is organic & natural.  We use things & discard the waste.  All animals do it in some form or another.  We try to keep our homes, our dens, as clean & free of debris as possible.

Here I go contemplating the concept of refuse removal.  Hah.

Cya

10, 9 , 8 ...

The countdown is on, are is that countdowns?

There are this many full days left before:

• Fall Equinox  -          09 days
• Halloween  -             47 days
• Thanksgiving -          71 days
• Winter Solstice -       99 days
• Christmas -            102 days
• New Year's Eve -     108 days

We are in the final third of the year 2011.  We are heading into the final quarter.   2011 is on well on the downward swing.   Is any one ready for the dates listed above?   I am ready for that & more.    Here's hoping that 2012 isn't quite as hard a year as 2011 has been.  

Doing a countdown list is such a Virgoan thing to do.

Cya

Slight Disgust...

The Virgo that I am, hates it when contest rules, aren't followed.  We have been watching So You Think You Can Dance.  We've watched at least part of every season.  I say part, because we have abandoned the show on several occasions.  There is only so much indulgence we can endure & Nigel Lithgoe has often surpassed it.

I'll stick with the current season.  Last week was mostly a variety or weak performances by the dancers & choreographers. Yet, some how the judges couldn't find any one worthy of sending home.  So, they broke their own rules & sent no one home.  Opting instead to send two sets of dancers home this week. 

The performances went off & surprise, surprise four of the bottom six people were in the bottom last week.  However this time they were joined by a set composed of a tapper & a ballroom dancer.  The other two sets must've felt safe when that couple was called.  The middle set had a Cha Cha & did so so.  The Tapper/Ballroom set had a Bollywood number & did so so.  But the last set had their own style & quite frankly were awful.

Who would stay?  We weren't sure who was staying,  but we knew who was going.  The tapper/ballroom couple was doomed, they always are on this show.  I guess tweens just can't grasp the concepts.  But we thought the Cha Cha set might be saved.  During the judge's reviews, Nigel praised the tapper pair & the Cha Cha'ers.  He criticized the other set. We thought we'd at least lose the weaker set, but that was not the case.  The weak couple who performed badly in their own genre.  The weak couple who the judges harshly critiqued.  That weak couple is somehow the one who got to stay.

Nigel should be lashed for inconsistency...

This has definitely enforced one thing in my mind.  Their are places where even if you can go, you probably shouldn't.  Tappers & ballroom dancers can go on this show, but they shouldn't.  They are never treated well & they never even get close to winning.  Ivetta was a multiple style world champion ballroom dancer & one of the first one's eliminated, because this show has no use for ballroom dancers.  

My disgust for this show is returning.  I'm not sure how much more of it I will tolerate, before I just say no more.  No more, SYTYCD... No more Nigel Lythgoe... No more Mary Murphy... No more Simon Fuller...

OK, my rant is done.

Cya

Being Rational...

I mentioned yesterday, some of my lab results weren't all that wonderful.  I have to wait until next week to see the doctor.  Now I'm stuck trying to reason out why my numbers went wonky.  There are tons of reasons, but none of them are all that satisfying.

The first part of this year was not so hot for me.  I have had dental issues, weather issues, appliance & home issues.  This has been the season of breakage & debt.  I've spent way too much on some things I've needed & others that I didn't.

Now, it's time to act like a real grown up, Virgo & make a plan. I'm getting plans put together on the $ issues 

I can see, but that always leaves the ones lurking in the shadows, just waiting to pounce.  However, at this point, there is little I can do about my lab results, except wait.  I do not care for waiting.

By this point next Wednesday I will hopefully have some answers.  Until then I will just have to deal with things as they come.

Cya next time

Annoyances

Three weeks ago we had to have our hot water heater looked at because it was leaking.  The man came out & charged us an outrageous amount to tighten some fasteners.  He was supposed to inspect the water heater.  I guess that part eluded him.  Today the pilot light went out.  I went to relight it & it worked for about a minute.

Of course this had to happen on a damn weekend as usual.  There is no one to day anything on Sundays, so we have to wait.  Virgos hate surprises.  Especially ones they thought they had already dealt with on another occasion.  This idiot was supposed to have fixed this already.  Now there will be the wait & then the $.  I hate the plumbers in my area, damn vultures.

Needless to say, I'm moderately pissed right now.  This isn't good for me, my health or anything else for that matter.  I should be allowed to kick that damn plumber for not doing the job right in the first place.

Wherever you are, I hope your appliances are in good working order.

Here's hoping you're having a better day than me.

Kudos To Roomie...

My roomie is considering some major changes in her life in the upcoming couple of years.  She is considering some major alterations regarding her health & her career situation.   It started off easy enough  with her just talking about the matters.  Due to input from others & myself she decided it was a good thing to start researching the matters.

Quite frankly, I think she was a bit blown away by the information she found. Not only the content of what she found, but by the volume. Both the matters she is considering are significant & life altering.  Both of us are Virgos to some extent, research & organization are fairly easy for us & highly desired in our lives. The research revealed things neither of us had even considered being factors.  

She knows the process she is about to undergo is going to be lengthy, embarrassing & painful.  It is going to be one of the most difficult things she'e ever taken on in her life.  However, she knows that she wants this & that she has, or is gaining, the tools to deal with the situation.  This trial ahead is going to require dedication.  It will require communication & honesty with herself & those who can help her through it.  

I'm fairly proud of her for even considering these options.  Five years ago, I don't think she would have.  The important thing here for me is to remember that although this will affect my life, it isn't about me or anyone else, other than my roomie.  I can give her my support & assist as I can can, but I can't do it for her.

I'm confidant she will get as much as the information as she can before she heads down this rabbit hole.  She knows that she can't rush into or through this situation.   She also knows that she's the only one who can do this for her.  This type of behavior is impressive, especially from a person trying very hard to realistically face an incredibly daunting task.  My roomie has accepted that this quest has to be about her & her alone.

Sometimes that sucks.  That alone thing, but sometimes it's nice to know you did something all on your own.  That isn't saying that I won't help wherever I can, but it is to say, that I, nor anyone else, can do it for her.  For realizing these things, I know she is much more mature than she was five years ago.  For being wise enough to not only look before she leapt, but to start doing a boat-load of research on the matter is smart & note worthy.  For being responsible enough to see it as not a necessary thing to do in her life, but also as one that will bring many positive possibilities is astounding.  

I am glad she has begun this epic quest of hers. It shows that she is being realistic about her life.  That she is choosing the right thing for herself & not the easy, expected one.  I'm happy that she has the faith in herself & her abilities to even consider this undertaking.  I very pleased with her for using her wits & intelligence in the matter & not just stupidly jumping willie-nille, totally oblivious to seriousness of the endeavor ahead of her. I do hate stupid people.

Blame Games & Accidents

Growing up, my brothers & me often found ourselves to the target of someone's pointed finger of blame.  I admit with our mother & her other interests (alcohol) we were often left to our own devices & got into a lot of hell.  But, no where near what we got blamed for.  There wasn't time enough in 3 days to do what we got blamed for in a 24 hour period.

Then there were the genuine accidents.  They were no better.  With a drunk for a parent, you might as well have thrown the plate at the wall on purpose, as to having it slip through your slippery dish-soap covered fingers.  Kids in this environment learn quickly to distance themselves from anything problematic that might get them blamed.  These children know that no one will ever believe that they didn't do it, let alone they didn't do it with malicious intent.

We grow up avoiding situations where we could be blamed for anything.  We cringe when something goes wrong or gets broken, even if we didn't have anything to do with it.  We don't believe that any one will ever see that we are innocent of the accusation.  Or, if we did have something to do with it, that it was an accident. 

We learn that it is best to do whatever is necessary to avoid the blame.   We misdirect, target others & sometimes even deny or lie about the situation.  People say they don't like others who try to avoid accountability.  However, those people sure seem to enjoy passing that blame onto others who had nothing, or as least nothing deliberately,  to with the situation for which they are being blamed.

Yesterday my roomie took a trip & fell against the door near the hot water heater. She was embarrassed & a little bruised.  Later I noticed there was a small leak on top of the water heater. It had been jolted when she bumped into it earlier.   I wasn't too happy, but not at her.  She was raised the same way I was & most likely on the edge of panic due to fear for being blamed.  Yes, she fell into the water heater, but it wasn't on purpose. It wasn't her fault she fell & it wasn't her fault that the stupid water heater is in a ridiculous place with a door opening right up onto it.  But still she feared the blame & the resentment that would've come from this situation if I had been some other person in her life.

Yes, I was upset, but at the idea of how is this going to get fixed.  The Virgo wanted details & price quotes.  I was pissed at this old house for breaking down once again .  I was angry at yet another surprise & I've told you Virgos do not like surprises.  In the end, it did happen & the only the thing to do is deal with it & move on with our lives.  That's all you can do when crap happens in your life.  It happens, you freak out a little, you make a plan/decision & you move on to the next thing.

Hopefully your life is being as boringly pleasant as it can be at this very moment.  Enjoy the nothing moments.

Concepts-A-Go-Go

Yet again I stumbled today & it was a trip.  I went to this page & it'd been a blast if I still got lit.  Then it sort of spun my my mind into thinking about Ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arranging.  I'm normally not all that into floral arrangements, but the Ikebana pieces are true art, in practice & meaning.  In this art every aspect is deliberate, intentional & important.   In fact, what isn't there is as important, if not more so, than what is.  They deal with negative space.  Maybe that's what dark matter really is, just negative space.

From light particles to flowers & dark matter I jumped into the conceptuality of my own thoughts in relation to these subjects & came back to a four points I occasionally return to;  Mono No Aware, Mottainai, Wabi-Sabi & Momento Mori.  

Mono No Aware is the understanding, acceptance & actual embracing of the idea that all things are passing & in that passing, the transience, they are beautiful.  It is now Spring & the warm winds of Summer are already blowing to chase Spring on its way, so the next season can begin.  Summer will be ushered out by autumn & then again the cycle will continue with Winter.  All are beautiful, all are temporary.  Fresh strawberries, summer wine, the scent of jasmine in the night air, those are all things to be relished, because soon they will be gone.

Mottainai regards a sense of concern over wasting things.  It is for some a sense of frugality with all things.  Waste not, want not... What a waste.  Reduce, Recycle, Reuse...   Are all ways of looking at this concept.  They are quite literal in some sense.  I also see it in reference to art, especially Ikebana, to use only what is needed to make the piece.  There is the fashion philosophy or getting full attired & then examining the outcome & deciding to remove one things to make the outfit stronger.  Less is more.

Wabi Sabi is the understanding & acceptance that things are imperfect, incomplete & temporary.  Like human beauty.  No one is ever prefect, if they were, someone would probably kill them for being so in the first place.  Our looks are never what we want them to be & they will fade over time.  Some of are fortunate enough to actually look better as they age, others had all the glory of youth.  Belle-Laide, is a French term for the beautiful ugly, sometimes it is said as une jolie-laide.  Noting someone's beauty is unusual.  There are many people who when talking, acting or performing are gorgeous, but when they are still or in a picture are not beautiful at all. 

Momento Mori is understanding your own mortality & that of all those around you.   There are entire genres of work in many art forms that focus on this concept.  To me, it is very much a live for the moment, for you will die idea.  We need to appreciate what is here now & remember that it's time & ours is short.  

So what do the lights, flowers & concepts have to do with me?  I am +, therefore everything.  The lights & all these things are fleeting as is our time on this world.  I can accept the negative in my live, by seeing that it accents the positive.  I can try not to waste the gift of time & resources that I have been given.  I can let myself allow others to be imperfect, flawed or even ugly & realize it doesn't diminish their worth or need for compassion.  That one can be the most difficult for a Virgo.  Finally, I have a daily reminder of my mortality, my meds & the knowledge that they aren't a cure, but only a treatment.

What are your fav concepts?  If you don't know, go wiki-ing & find out.  May your paradigms be sound, but never so rigid as to break in the face of change.

Not With It

Still not feeling all the well. I'm better today then I was, but still not great.  I'm not sure the last time I really felt great.  That isn't something I think I've felt since long before I was +.  The night was better but the morning has been a drag with a lot of coughing & throat clearing.

We have several cats & this morning they were in full out pissy fest.   I hate the noise of a growling cat, it's like a really obnoxious alarm clock.   There was growling, hissing & in a lot of cat style hell-raising.  I could've gladly sacrificed them all to some god of health or quiet this morning.

Needless to say, my mood is questionable. So I'll stroke my inner Virgo today & make a list. This a list of thing that I am tired of this morning.

1. Squalling cats
2. Post Nasal Drip
3. Endless coughing
4. Sore ribs that came from the endless coughing
5. Local news people who like extras from a George Romero movie
6. Endless reruns due to sports shows
7. Sports shows
8. Big businesses complaining how bad they have it
9. Aflac for hiring Gilbert Gottfried & Alflac for firing Gottfried
10. Politicians of any breed, flavor or variety

There are only ten & believe I could on, but I won't.  I feel a little better.  Virgos do love their lists.  Maybe you should make a list today.  It could be things you hate, things you love, things that make you wonder WTF, or whatever you want it to be about.

Then & Now

That was then & this is now.  Powerful, sometimes meaningless words.  They've been used to describe every type of situation we can get ourselves into that over time has changed in some fundamental way.  It really doesn't matter if the change was really all that earth shattering, only that it felt that way to us.  They tell us that hindsight is 20/20.  I don't think so.

I've found a blog site & contest, that has pictures of people repeating poses in pictures taken long ago.  It's a fun site, check it out.  Even though some of these people try very hard, the pictures are never the same.  Even if they could fit into the exact same clothes & find the right props & places, it wouldn't be the same.  That moment captured in the original picture is gone, for some, long gone.  Some of the props are lost, some of the places are now history themselves.  But, it is fun to pay homage to the past once in a while.

Back to the hindsight thing.  I used to tell myself if I could go & I would do this & that different.  Finally, I realized that there was very little I could change in my life that would seriously alter the outcome.  Maybe I wouldn't have become + when I did, but I might have at a later date.  Wishes & ought-to-be's can be really self-defeating & hurtful.  Like it or not this is the proverbial world we live in & time for that matter.  We just have to deal with all those cliche cards that have been dealt to us.

I've figured out five things I'd write to my past self if I could send my younger self a letter.  The first one would be to learn to let go.  I am a Virgo & I really hate change & I'm not to big a fan of surprises either.  There are so many times when I should've let go of the proverbial rope & trusted that I would land safely somewhere better.  This was the time in my life when I should've said, " I am a leaf on the wind, watch me soar."  Instead I clung to hells I knew fearing the ones I didn't.

Next, I would've told myself to have some faith.  Faith in myself mostly.  Faith in my judgment & my abilities.  I let too many others tell me I couldn't do things or that things would be too hard on me.  I later learned that I could do those things even if they weren't the easiest things in the world to do. I could've stayed in math when I was younger.  I could've got a slightly harder job to get me through.  There are simply too many I could haves to count.

Try a little harder would've been my next bit of advice,  I skated through life & school.  I never really tried at anything.  I'd never seen anyone in my life try to do anything except con people & take griping to an art form. I could've pushed & been a much better student, artist & yes a person.  I'm not trying put myself down, but I really have no idea what I could've done with my life, because I never really tried.

No is not such a bad word, would be my next nugget of self-directed wisdom.  I used to hate to hear the word "No".  I took it as a rejection, a judgement, a criticism...  All these negative things were invariably pointed my direction.  I hated to say no to people almost as much as I hated hearing it myself.  This got me in a lot of sticky situations.  I finally realized something about the word no, it was powerful & empowering.  It was liberating & sometimes quite kind.  There are times we should be told no & others when that no is actually a not now, but maybe later.

I have come to believe in the idea of bad luck being good & good luck being bad.  My talent for learning was actually not as much a blessing as I had thought it was when I was younger.  Because of it I never pushed myself.  Maybe if learning had been more difficult for me I would've valued it & my accomplishments a bit more.  Some people should not win the lottery, all that $ may seem like a blessing, but for many it will actually turn out to be far more of a burden. Luck or fortune are pretty ambivalent.  You may think you've just hit the jackpot, but you have no idea what's around the bin.  Fortune is largely in one's perspective & willingness to thankful.

The last thing I would tell myself is to hold on to myself & my dreams, but not to be afraid to let them change & grow as I did.  So many of us get stuck in these ideas we create for ourselves when were young, that we can't see that those are no longer our dreams.  That those goals were unrealistic or potentially even harmful.  Our dreams are alive & must grow with us or else they'll just hold us back in a time that no longer exists.  We can't be like the Carl from UP, our dreams must evolve.

That is the advice I would give my younger self if I could.  What would you tell your younger self?

Letting Go

I am a Virgo, therefore a creature of habit.  I am the person that stayed at the crappy job way too long, simply because I was used to it.  I am the person that stayed involved with someone just because the situation was familiar like an old shoe.  I get into habits, like what I want to eat, when I do this or that or what I watch on TV.  I've been coming to terms with that last one lately.  I have decided that Mondays nights suck for TV, at least for me, unless I go to serious rerun land.  

 

I've been watching House for years & up until the last two seasons I've found it fairly fun.  Harry's Law was something new by David E. Kelly who I usually like.  Chicago Code, well it was on in between so I tried to watch it.

Chicago Code turned out to be a show entirely built on stereotypes & stock imagery, boring & loud.  BTW, making something loud, doesn't make it less boring, it just ups to the annoyance factor.  Harry's Law started out promising.  I love the characters, but there really isn't any story.  It's more like a lot of bad Saturday Night Live skits & dramatic improv sewn together.  Maybe season two will be better, i'm willing to look back at later if it makes it to a second season.

Now House is the problem for me.  It has become a habit, comfortable & expected.  Lately though they have slaughtered my show with poorly written slop.  There are tons of places to catch up with what's going on with the show if you don't watch it, so I won't recap.  The point is that one of my fav shows is going down the tube & I have to decide will I commit to watching the death throws or will I make like a rat & abandon ship.  Before, I would've stayed loyal & complained all the way.  Now, I'm not so sure.  I'm willing to give the show a chance to dig itself out of the steaming pile they've buried themselves in, but not too much of one.  

This may not sound like much of a revelation to you, but for me it is.  It's another place in my life where I can take out the proverbial trash.  I am not willing to watch shows that I really don't like. If I feel compelled to look at it, I will do so online where I can fast forward through the crap scenes.  I hope House improves, but if it doesn't it won't be the end of the world.  It's just a TV show & no longer that good of one.  My life won't end if I break this habit.  Hell, it'll probably just make room for me to get a new one.  See that's the thing we habitual folks may trade habits but we rarely, if ever, entirely get rid of them.  

Seems like my Monday nights may soon be open, maybe I'll catch up on my Netflix list or something else I need to do, who knows.  

Two Months In

Somehow I have managed to keep this thing going for two whole months.  For someone usually as noncommittal as myself, that's fairly astounding.  So what will I ramble on about today?

I could talk about the fact that today is the anniversary of the start of the second opium war, or the day AT&T was incorporated, when the United States decided to start censoring the mail or when Carmen first played.   But none of that, besides the At&T thing, really has any direct bearing on my blog today.  What does have bearing?

Writing this blog is becoming part of my Virgoan ritual and it is an interesting way for me express whatever I'm feeling at the time to whoever might happen upon these pages.  I wondered who would read this blog in the beginning, maybe no one.  At first, that bothered me.  Then I thought that this blog is more for myself & my own outlet than anything else.  If you like my writing, then thank you for reading it.  Not to be snide, but if you don't like it, there is a next blog link at the top of the page.  Try it sometime, I do & I've found some interesting blogs.

I can't tell you what this month will bring for me, if I'm lucky the bad things will be limited. My March third won't be as exciting as being the day that Time magazine first published, a new Turkey emerged or Rodney King getting beaten by the L.A. cops.  However, in this little part of the world, this March third will be mine.   My beginning of the third month of my blog.  My beginning of Spring.  My time with my roomie & cats.  Maybe I'll win a million or go write a novel.  Maybe I'll do nothing at all.  Whatever it is that I will or won't do, it will be mine.

Maybe that sounds a little selfish, but from time to time, you just have to be.  You have to look after yourself & make sure you're getting what you need.  Today, I'll take a cue from a duck.

This Is What I Can Do...

I have always been edgy, not necessarily in the cool way either.  Being raised the way I was leaves one in a state of hyper awareness & reaction.  It often decides to display itself at the most disadvantageous of times. Being on disability, $ is always a major issue.   If I'm not careful I can utterly freak myself out about, especially at night.  I usually go to bed just fine, somewhere in the night I awake & for some reason thoughts of doom & dread come flying into my head.

Sometimes, I completely fail at containing these feelings & go into full out panic.  This sucks, let me repeat, THIS SUCKS!!!  Everything goes faster, is louder & is more intense in nearly every aspect.  It's like some one drugged you with coke & LSD at the same time, a freaked out, bad trip.

Other times I manage to get it under control & remind myself that at this moment there is nothing I can do about whatever situation is about to drive me bonkers.  There will be no benefit in giving into the primal urge just to freak out.  I have to really embrace the Virgo & tell myself I'll make a plan for it, something that will allow me to cope with this problem the best way that I can.

I look at the problem & have to access what needs to be done, what I'd like to do & what I can do.  It's been hard learning to accept that although there things in my life that should be handled this way or that, that I have to deal with the fact that I may or may not be able to accomplish things in those manners.  I had to learn to accept my limits & be alright with what I could do.

I sign a lot of petitions on-line for political, environmental & other reasons.  Inevitably these places always ask for donations or volunteers.  I can't do those things & sometimes it gets to me.  I'd love to give some of these movements or websites $.  I'd love to give to some of the causes I support.  I'd love to give Wikipedia  some $ Love or Shane Dawson on Youtube, but I can't. I don't have the $ to give.  As for volunteering, most of these movements don't have anything near & even if they did, most of the time I wouldn't feel up to doing it.  Past that, if I did feel up to volunteering, there such weird rules for someone on disability doing anything, even volunteering, it could jeopardize my situation.

I can sign the petitions, I can send emails & I can go to all the click-to-give sites & click.  I know it doesn't sound like much & most likely it isn't.  Sometimes it really does bother me to be so ineffective in matters that I care about.  I have to remind myself that I am doing what I can do & I just have to accept that.

When you find yourself in a place where you have to decide what course of action you're going to take on some matter.

1. Examine the situation.  
2. What are your options?  
3. Do you even want to get involved?
4. What should be done in the situation?
5. What can you feasibly do?
6. What won't wreck your bank account?
7. What won't overwhelm the rest of your life & responsibilities?
8. Then accept the remaining as what you can do.
9. Then do what you can do.
10. Accept that you've contributed what you could.

It may not matter to much, but it was something.  That's better than nothing or being totally callous to the situation.  A lot of small things can add up to be something pretty tremendous, consider all the little drops that formed canyons.  It's OK to be one of those tiny little drops that in concert will cut out a canyons or form a new river bed.  It's OK to be small part of a large thing.  I know we're not taught that, but it is OK.  That's the whole basis of a grassroots movement.

Do what you can...

It only takes a drop of water to move the world

That's what one little drop can do

Click, Click, Click...

This is an awful noise.  It's what started my day.  I've said before Virgos do not like surprises.  This was not supposed to be happening. I had plans & things to do.   This car was being just play rude.  How dare it not start.   I had to get my roommate to comeback & jump the car so I could get it to the mechanic.  Luckily my mechanics (who btw are wonderful, if they had a page I'd post it, if you're from eastern OK you may have heard of them, JNB Tire), replaced the battery.  


The jerks who sold my roommate this vehicle had placed a battery barely large enough to power a vibrator made for a little person in this huge van.  It was tiny, half the size of the one that replaced it.  I hate dealing with cars, it is one of many areas I'm unfamiliar with & often can't find the info I need to get a grasp on the situation.  However, even I could tell that the battery in this van was too small.


There are people in this world I do not like & avoid if at all possible; door-to-door solicitors, door-knocking Bible thumpers & above all else car salesmen.  Car salesmen are the devil's toe jam, they are too slimy to even be considered his feces. I have yet to meet one who wasn't trying to play some sort of shell game on anyone who came to near.  


I lucked out though, my roommate wasn't too far off & all the van needed was a new battery.  It could've been a lot worse.

Undoing The Frazzle...

This was me yesterday morning.  I sent myself into a tailspin & nearly crashed.  I was already prone sleep issues & nerves before HIV.   Add the stress of the illness & fact many of my my meds can put you on edge, it's amazing I don't stay in frantic mode 24/7.

I let myself start worrying about the future & something I figured out I could do for myself.   The van's dash lights went on the fritz & I figured knowing my luck, there goes the electrical.  Luck, oh yes Virgos believe in luck, freakin' unpredictable bad luck BS.  I found a Q&A on Answers.com that dealt with my exact issue.  Still, I let myself freak out on whether or not I could do it.  All I had to do was undo the battery cables and reconnect them, but some how I convinced myself in the morning, either it wasn't going to work or I'd damage the van worse than it already was.

About 8AM, I got the nerve to try it.   It worked, OM Freakin' G it worked.  I didn't make the van explode, the fabric of the universe didn't rip to shreds & toss us all into a pit of chaos.  I'm did a cautious, yet happy dance...

One must be careful with Happy Dances or else the Universe may decide you've got it too easy & slap you down. So do it, be thankful & love the moment, but realize it's just one of the day's many hurdles.

The problem here is that I let myself spin out of control, again.  I didn't try to the solution right in front of me & no I don't have a good reason why.  The biggest problem for me is just getting myself to focus and at least try.  If it works, whoo hooo.  If not, I tried.  I recently had a similar situation occur with a leaky tub.  For some reason then I trusted myself enough just to try what the Youtube video showed me on how to fix it.  Frazzledom is not about logic.

Frazzledom leads to anxiety, which leads to bad sleep, which leads to bad health.  These are things that everyone needs to realize.  HIV+ peeps really have to take this into mind.  When I'm sleeping well, I do dramatically better than when my zzz's are scattered to the wind.  I think that Lunesta moth/butterfly thing is stealing my zzz's & giving them to other people.  Creepy moth...

Focus is the goal.  To be centered & drive out the crappy thoughts that send us into a downward spiral.  We can do this, either on our own or with help, but it can be done.  If you're +, you'd better figure out how to get your sleep under control quickly.  It is the biggest part of your recovery and staying healthy, physically and emotionally.  If not you could end up like...

Frazzled...

I'm up damn early this morning, the Sun is no where in sight.  My nerves have annihilated my zzz's.  The van is throwing fits again & I have no idea what's wrong with it or how much it's going to cost.  I woke & started thinking about that & all the other $ I was going to need for upcoming expenses in the year & the jitters kicked into action.

I hate this, because if I don't get a handle on it quickly I could go into full out panic mode.  Frankly, my health and sanity can do without that.  But there's a new mower, dental expenses, car tags, car insurance & who knows what else lurking around the corner.

Everybody goes through this kind of thing.  Sometimes I just feel like I'm constantly living on the camel's back that is about to break from all these $ straws.  I try not to let it get in my head but I'm not so good at that.  I'm a Virgo & we Virgos like to have a plan of attack prepared for every situation.  If we don't, we get edgy & I'd measure that edginess with a richter magnitude scale.

So I'm up early waiting to see if I can get the car in to the mechanic or if they'll be open Monday.  It'll be MLK day. Now all I can do is wait & see.  As I said before, I hate waiting.  Hope your day goes better, cause...

Control...Now That's A Laugh...

Most people try to manipulate their environment, to make it as optimum as possible.  The more out of control or unsettling the situation the more we try to get a hold on it, a strangle hold.  That usually flies like a sack of bricks. Life just doesn't work that way.  

This last week, the first week January mind you (in the Northern Hemisphere where it is supposed to be winter), has had two days in the 70's F where it should at most be the upper 40's F.  This may sound great for the heating bill, but also sounds great to the grass, fleas & allergies.  For every give there is a take.

My household came into some $ last month, (roomie's Xmas cash). I thought, great she can get her glasses replaced.  There was a little left over & we decided just to let it ride in the household kitty.  That lasted all of three days before the car decided it needed new tie-rods. Bye, bye $, nice knowing you. I know I'm rambling, but to paraphrase Bear Grylls, "There is a point..."

A hard lesson for a Virgo set in his ways, life isn't about control, it's about learning to roll with the punches.  Developing tactics to deal with all of life's BS & there will be BS, lots of it, every kind possible; familial, economic, weather, you name it, BS. It's about coming to understand that you may be able to cause some subtle effect on your environment by adjusting the thermostat, having an emergency fund or just someone to commiserate with, but you are not in control.  Get used to it.

So make your survival plans, have your emergency kits, keep in touch with friends,  you're going to need them.  I'm not sure who to quote Bette Davis about a bumpy ride or just to go with ELO and say hold on tight to your dreams.  Either way I hope this ride called life has more up's than down's for you & me.