Bad Saturday...

 

It started Tuesday, the winds were rough & drove in the dark, stormy weather.  It's been cooler, dark, storming & windy since.  I didn't do well Thursday, yesterday was rough, this morning I feel like crap.  The problem is the storms, rain & dark are supposed to be here until tomorrow morning.  That will be another bad morning.  Then it's supposed to cool down a lot overnight.  This weather is being very hard on me.

Of course, everything else is still happening;  errands, house stuff, cats, etc...   I felt OK for a couple of hours last night & then it was time to go to bed.  Now, I'm back here again, not waking, achy & spent.  Real dark, like night time, I can handle.  It's this daytime drear that kills me.  It's the damn greyness of it all. I couldn't handle being in the far North places that have the weird light levels for months.  That might very well kill me.

That's it for now, take care.

Cya...

Not Good...

 

I didn't have a good day yesterday.   A lot of things just didn't go well.  Most of them weren't big, but they piled up.  I'm just done.  I can't fix anything, anymore.  But, that's who it'll fall to, me.  Because no one else is going to do it or much of anything else for me.  It's gotten passed the point of me just not wanting to.  It's really to, I just can't.  

This year has sucked & my birthday is this Sunday.  All I really want for it, is not to be here.  I don't think I can handle another year of this.  I'm just too broken & I may very well be missing pieces by now.  Other than my roomie & some cats, I don't have anything.  I'm trying to let those be enough.  But, there's nothing I want anymore except to get off this ride.  I'm tired, achy & usually scared.  This shouldn't be life.  I'm glad my parents are dead.  I hate them for condemning me to this life.

I should be in a better.  My labs did well.  It'll be cooling soon.  My birthday is near.  But, I just want to sleep & not wake up.   Abortion should be legal & highly recommended. 

Cya...

Adulting Sucks...

 

Being an adult can be a hassle at any point, even beyond the daily in & outs like work, paying bills & other drudgery.  Folks forget other adults are still people & have feelings that get hurt.  There's no age when you're beyond feeling slighted, deserted or devalued.  I think it's worse as an adult.  We've been taught having our feelings hurt is such childish thing.  It's not.  It never stops & never gets any easier.  We just try to get better at avoiding situations where it can happen.   Unfortunately for some of us, avoidance isn't any option or we ended steering clear of everything & we're left alone.

Then there are the holidays.  Even as a kid they can be stressful & full bad tidings.  As a young adult, when older family is still about is OK.  But then you have more responsibilities & are apt to fare worse in the gift department.  Your gift quota dwindles.  At 1st, it's alright.  You're an adult, you already have a lot of what you need & the rest you can buy anytime.  But the wonder of getting a gift starts to wane.  Then when you're older & families shrink, things get harder & there be no presents or get togethers.  It's just you with no presents, no gatherings & no wonder.  Adulting is a crap gig.

There's little upside to being an adult.  You've got freedom, sort of.  Without a lot of resources, you're going nowhere.  Without others, it's going to be a lonely ride.  Half the experience of journeys, seeing movies, going on rides is sharing the experience & memories with others.  When it's just you, it can still be fun, but it's not the same.

During the last few years, there's been a lot of hurt feelings in our home.  We didn't aim at each other.  Still a lot of things happened that grazed us & left their marks.  Every holiday season, my roomie asks me if I want anything & I can't think of anything.  Maybe it's been too long & I've lost that part of me.  It wouldn't be 1st bit of me to go AWOL.  

Being an adult is exhausting, boring, terrifying & not what we were led to believe.  The world sold us a false promise of liberty & opportunity.  That may be, if you're a rich sociopath, just not for most of us.  I know my adulting experience isn't as bad as others.  I don't have children or parents to tend to.  I can still basically function.  I have most of my needs met.  Still this is a sucky ride & I should never have got on it.

Adults are people & our feelings get hurt.  Half of us still can't see ourselves as adults.  We're looking for the person to take of this crap & then remember it's us.  It truly sucks.

Cya... 

Breach Of Faith...

 

In the past there were a lot of things I used or had in my life that were reliable.  They may not have been the greatest, but they were dependable.  I have very few of those left.  Over the years I've lost a pharmacy, a mechanic & dentist.  I've lost confidence with the local mail & I'm not sure how much longer my primary doctor will be in the game.  But yesterday something altered I wasn't expecting.

Netflix announced it will no longer be in the DVD business.  It will end the service in September.  I've been a member since March 2003.  I joined so I could something to watch.  Most the video services in our area were dying out.   Those red envelopes helped get me through those early years with HIV & being on disability.  

This sudden announcement throw me.  I was suddenly right back there all those years ago looking for something.  It's not then, but I guess I am looking for something.  I just doubt I'll find something to replace this service.  I don't want to go back to a single DVD with late fees type service again.  

I know these are businesses, but I was loyal to them & tried to build as much a rapport as possible.  But, each time in the end, I was nothing to be concerned with.  Netflix & others casually discard people who depended on their services.  They wonder why there's so little brand loyalty these days.  Many people don't have good enough internet to stream.  Frankly, Netflix's streaming isn't worth it.  Other than the very few theatrical releases they still get, they're original content in beyond subpar.  Their stuff is more like early an 80s cable access show.  Cute for then, not tolerable now.

I'm a little crushed at the moment.  I'm losing something I've had for over 2 decades.  Some people are thanking the company for the years.   Yeah right.  Screw you Netflix for being yet another good thing that just left.  May your  future business ventures be as well crafted as you crappy original programming.

Cya.