I Am Trying...

I'm trying to hold out as long as I can versus the Fall gloom.  I admit, I can feel it creeping up on me.  Luckily, this morning was bright & sunny.  However, sunrise was 7:06 & will just keep getting later until the time change.  Even then, the light will be so weak, the hour alteration won't make much difference.  

I'm not in the full funk of the S.A.D. stuff, but it's there.  I'm starting to have weird stressful dreams about nothing relevant.  They're just tense & awkward.  I'm waking up stiffer & already tired.  It's taking me forever too actually wake up completely. 

Soon, I'll start trying the timer for my lamp & see if that helps.  But, I don't want to do it any earlier than possible.  I adjust quickly to things whiling sleeping.  Eventually, even a bright lamp, might not be enough to start waking me up.   Hopefully, that will take a while to happen.

That's all for now.  Take care.

Cya...

Revolving Door...

For some, sleeping & dreams are a refuge from their lives.  That's rarely been the case for me.  My dreams are often more stressful than my real world.   I don't usually do traditional nightmares.  I do stress dreams full of frustration, anxiety & isolation.   Most kids prayed they'd wake from their slumber safe & sound.  I never did.  I just wanted slip off into some nice place & not come back.

My dreams have been like my life, a revolving door in a building's foyer.  It was never the nicest or most popular building, but it was interesting & unique.  A lot of people came through those doors.    Nearly all spun back out immediately.  Some stayed a while, but most still left. Unfortunately as always, time marched on.  The place my life & dreams resided in became derelict & abandoned.  Few come through those doors & most only with a purpose they need to fulfill before taking their leave.  

My dreams are pretty empty these days, except for stress & agita.  I never found that place they talk about where you're safe & happy.  Where life is amazing.  Even if I have a good dream, somewhere in it, things always start to darken & go wrong.  Friends get angry & leave.  I suddenly see no one was ever there.   I've played a lot of tricks on myself to get through life.  They've left me hollow.

My advice.  Screw hopes & dreams.  They're empty promises that will only hurt you.  Be selfish, it's your life.  Get yours.  Nobody will ever do it for you.  I'm not saying don't have friends.  But realize, real friends are rare.  I have 1.  I've had lots of people in my life who called me a friend, but in the end that meant party pal, bar buddy, acquaintance...  A "simple prop" to occupy their time.

I wish I had pretty words & glimmering wisdom for you.  All I have is cold reality.  I hate it more than you could possibly know.

Cya...

No Cheap Green Chocolate...

Yesterday was St. Patrick's, we didn't do much.  It was another weird, windy pre-Spring day.   We don't have much planned for the upcoming week.  I have a dental cleaning appointment on Wednesday & that's about it other than normal errands & shopping.  They don't make little chocolate leprechauns or shamrocks, so no cheap chocolate holiday this time around.  

My neighbor is in the process of selling her home.  It's weird to watch.  I've seen people come & go from there before, but they were renters.  This woman moved in with a man.  They had a lot of outdoorsy stuff like a pop-up camper & cook out gear.  They were really yard-proud & tried to garden.  They had the loud as hell motorcycle.   

Now that's mostly gone.  He moved out over a year ago, she sold most the outdoor things & gave up gardening.  The yard's still OK, but not what it was.  The bike has a sale sign on it.  Soon it & the house will sell.   

My neighbor's fairytale has been crashing down for some time, but the sell will be the end of it.  I'm not sure what her dreams really were, but it seems they've sailed on now.  It's sad to know that.   Maybe her dreams were unrealistic, but still they were hers.  

That's about it for now.

Off Morning...

There was heavy cloud cover & rain last night.  It made the morning dreary.  I don't do well on these mornings.   Its difficult for me to wake up with so little light.  Its also the time I'm most apt to have stress dreams.

These dreams aren't nightmares,  They may have some horrific elements, but they aren't scary.  They're sometimes repulsive & disheartening, but they're always stressful & tiring.   They can be about anything or nothing really at all, other than a sense of stress.  I hate them

I woke up a little before 6 this morning & had to go to the bathroom.  I laid back down & the stress dream set in.  I woke a little over an hour later, but I felt like I hadn't slept all night.  I was & still am tired from this damn dream.  These things sap your energy.

Half the time, I can't even remember what they were about.  Still, I'm left exhausted & borderline panicky.  It generally takes all day to get passed them.  I hate these things.  I wish I could tell  you how to handle them, but I don't have a clue.  If I figure out, I'll post about it.

Cya...

Misfit Stress...

We went shopping this morning due to scheduling issues.  I can get easily annoyed at Walmart, but that wasn't the case today.  I was nervous the entire time.  It wasn't because of the shopping.

Yesterday was stressful.  An idea was recently introduced concerning our household.  I'd expected to have a bit to get used it, but instead it started taking off almost immediately.   It is/was a sound idea.  It would have some serious benefits & some drawbacks.  All plans do.  

But this plan was making me face the idea of being in this area for the rest of my life.  That's probably been the case ever since I was diagnosed with HIV, but I still held on to the thought I'd move out of here some day.  It'd be to a better place & a move I wanted.

This plan meant accepting I'd probably never be anywhere else.  I'd probably not meet a lot of other people.  This whole thing meant me giving up on my last dream to be somewhere better.  I didn't have a good day,  

I've always wanted a place that felt like home;  safe, secure & reasonably happy.  I'm not going to get that.  I still know the idea was good, it just means saying good bye to another part of me.  There isn't much left.

There's no good way to say this, but I was an unwanted child.  My parents had me because they felt like they were supposed to, a lack of good contraception & my mother's liking to be pregnant. She liked the process, just not the product.

There's little worse to be in this world than an unwanted child.  No one, especially yourself, ever lets you forget it or really move past it.  How can you?  You're just a source displeasure to some & a target to most everyone else.  An object for them to pity, hate, blame, attack, abuse, ignore... A stray that lingered too long on the porch.

I will always be pro-choice. It'd been better to not have been born, than to live as a child that was never wanted.   It'd be more humane to just shoot those children, than make them endure what life & people are going to put them through over & over again.  When their only crime was being unwanted.

Many of us, make up dreams in our head to survive.  It's really bad coping skill.  We don't usually have the skills or means to make these dreams come true.  And each time a dream fails or we have to let go of 1, we lose a little bit of us.

I feel like the doll on the Isle of Misfit Toys.  I'm out of dreams to dream.  I used to have so many, now I can't even hold on to 1.  This sucks.  

Now, all I've done is upset myself & my roomie.  The idea was sound.  I wasn't.

Cya...

Seasonal Sleep...

As the weather cools down, I tend to sleep more soundly. For the most part this is a good thing.  However, there are some downsides.  When I sleep more sound, it tends to mean I wake up less & move less often in my sleep.  

That sounds like a good thing, but for me it isn't.  After a night of really deep, uninterrupted sleep, I usually wake up stiff & remain so for the rest of the day.  This often comes with an annoying headache.   For me a little waking up & moving from time to time is a good thing when I sleep.

Even stranger are the dreams that I experience as the world grows colder & darker.  They aren't nightmares or even really bad dreams.  They are anxious, fractious & stressful.  Like why are all of my bills not paid & I have no $?  Why is there an alligator on my front porch when I live in Oklahoma?  Why am I back in college & I've missed all my finals?  Why am I in a house I lived in as a child with people I know now?  

I'm a fairly aware dreamer.  I know these are dreams, but they're still weird & stressful.  I have them sometimes throughout the year, but they're worse during the Fall. I didn't do this as a kid or even a 20-something.  For a lot of my 30's & past, I've been +, so I don't know if my HIV is making this matter worse or if it's just age.  Possibly both.  Either way, these dreams are annoying.

I like my sleep, but I don't like waking up stiff or stressed out.  These things aren't good for me at all.  Hopefully, they'll disappear with Autumn leaves & be gone soon.

Cya...