Nearly Over...

 

The year is winding down & it's going as it has before.  Even though I'm fairly removed from the holiday activities & cheer I still notice how much of a trick it is.  People still get built up & then it's not what was expected.  

Still people play along with the charade so they don't bring others down.  Some of us don't handle the pantomime well any more.  We can't hide how crestfallen the situation has left us.   The real question is, what if all of us are just playing a part & no one really has the spirit any longer?  What then?  

Is that what happened?  Did we all look behind the curtain?  I won't say this is the worst Christmas season for me.  None of us are sick & we have no major drama playing out.   Still, this has been a very lackluster season with so little joy & cheer.  Maybe the world choked out all the merriment & mirth. 

I miss the lights & sparkle.  I miss the wonder.  Not so much for the bell-ringers, but I only saw 1 Salvation Army bell-ringer.  They used to everywhere throughout the season.  There's so little brightness, cheer or charity left.  Maybe the season is a tradition past.

There's just another weekend & then the final count of 2023 begins.  There's just the Day & 2 Eves left.  There's another trash day & a few more trips to the store.  I should feel something about this, but I don't really.   

May your year end well & holidays be grand.  Take care.

Cya...

Adulting Sucks...

 

Being an adult can be a hassle at any point, even beyond the daily in & outs like work, paying bills & other drudgery.  Folks forget other adults are still people & have feelings that get hurt.  There's no age when you're beyond feeling slighted, deserted or devalued.  I think it's worse as an adult.  We've been taught having our feelings hurt is such childish thing.  It's not.  It never stops & never gets any easier.  We just try to get better at avoiding situations where it can happen.   Unfortunately for some of us, avoidance isn't any option or we ended steering clear of everything & we're left alone.

Then there are the holidays.  Even as a kid they can be stressful & full bad tidings.  As a young adult, when older family is still about is OK.  But then you have more responsibilities & are apt to fare worse in the gift department.  Your gift quota dwindles.  At 1st, it's alright.  You're an adult, you already have a lot of what you need & the rest you can buy anytime.  But the wonder of getting a gift starts to wane.  Then when you're older & families shrink, things get harder & there be no presents or get togethers.  It's just you with no presents, no gatherings & no wonder.  Adulting is a crap gig.

There's little upside to being an adult.  You've got freedom, sort of.  Without a lot of resources, you're going nowhere.  Without others, it's going to be a lonely ride.  Half the experience of journeys, seeing movies, going on rides is sharing the experience & memories with others.  When it's just you, it can still be fun, but it's not the same.

During the last few years, there's been a lot of hurt feelings in our home.  We didn't aim at each other.  Still a lot of things happened that grazed us & left their marks.  Every holiday season, my roomie asks me if I want anything & I can't think of anything.  Maybe it's been too long & I've lost that part of me.  It wouldn't be 1st bit of me to go AWOL.  

Being an adult is exhausting, boring, terrifying & not what we were led to believe.  The world sold us a false promise of liberty & opportunity.  That may be, if you're a rich sociopath, just not for most of us.  I know my adulting experience isn't as bad as others.  I don't have children or parents to tend to.  I can still basically function.  I have most of my needs met.  Still this is a sucky ride & I should never have got on it.

Adults are people & our feelings get hurt.  Half of us still can't see ourselves as adults.  We're looking for the person to take of this crap & then remember it's us.  It truly sucks.

Cya... 

Your Life....

The last bit has been rough on me & I don't see a break coming  soon.  I'm trying to wade through this muck but it's not easy.  The last few months have been filled with anxiety causing BS.  The TV was acting weird.  I stepped out on the porch only find fire ants had nested under some pavers.  Those bastards hurt.  Now they're dead, but damn that stung.  There is no good reason to keep fleas, roaches, fire ants or termites.   Up with the butterflies, dragons, lightning bugs & bees.

I've seen some pieces lately over people trying to justify their emotions after being diagnosed HIV+.  To hell with that.  There may meds, there may be better regimens, there may be many great things.  But there's also the fact you are now +.  Now you have the life a poz person & all that baggage.  You have the medical hoops & meds.  You have the knowledge it's forever & you've changed.  There is exhaustion, anger & stigma.  

How you feel or react is legitimate.  It's  your diagnosis & your life.  You're the only person who gets to decide how you feel about your life.  Screw anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.  HIV may not be a death sentence for most of us any more.  But our old lives are over.  It's not fabulous, it's infuriating.  There are days I curse starting treatment & sticking around.  It would've been easier not to have.  Life as a poz person can be an absolute bitch.  But, it's usually not all the time.  

It's your life, your health & your story.  No one else gets to own  it.  No one gets to use your illness to build themselves up.  If someone tries to use your illness to their advantage, do your best to get away from them.  Those people don't give a damn about you.  They only want to make you're the current sad arc of their personal drama.  Just run.

Cya...