Ugh Morning...

 

Several factors are threatening the ongoing fight against HIV, much of it is due to republicans.  This 1st piece's topic has been in the news for weeks.  Because of cuts to medicaid & HIV programs, many states are scaling back their assistance programs.  This cost many their coverage & meds.

Due to ICE, people, even US citizens, are avoiding places that could put them in contact with the agency.  This article covers how it's impacting treatment in some communities.

This last piece is about people with HIV in Ethiopia, especially  adolescents & young adults (AYA).  It shows that women carry a higher burden when it comes to HIV, yet the research is on them is much lower than that concerning males.  This may be about Ethiopia, but the same issue regarding women has been prevalent in many studies.  This has been an ongoing complaint against current research studies & standards.

On to my morning.  This morning is dark, wet & fairly yuck.  I'm achy & tired.  It figures the 1st several days after the time change would be miserable storm BS.  I need sunlight.   My jolty morning are ramping up & leaving a depleted mess.  SAD shouldn't last into March.  It did last year & I'm hoping this isn't a thing from now on.

Wow, 3 articles in a single post.  But they're all about how we're failing in the fight against HIV.  The weather is screwing my DST.  Plus there's still everyday crap to deal with.  So, yeah, March is being just peachy.

Take care.

Cya...

Not So Great...

 

For the last several years, I've felt off & not as well as I should.  It's never been a solid thing I could ID & there were always other more pressing issues.  I'd tried to get rest & get through it.   The last couple of years have been harder, but again there was a lot of stuff to handle.  Since September it's been a cascade of issues & appointments.  I really hoped by now, most of this crap would be off our plate, but it isn't.  

Spring is coming & that means seasonal issues; benefit renewals, storms, yard work, etc...  Everything else is still hanging on & not getting settled.  I'm doing my best.

SAD has been a real issue this year.  I was hoping it had passed for now, it hadn't.  For a while I've woke jolty several times during the night & almost every morning.  This is exhausting & takes so much from what little I had left just to get my morning started. 

I need things to stop, to be over, at least for a little while.  No more waiting, getting things fixed, piles of unknowns or difficult idiots.  I'm not fine & I'm not even sure what my best is anymore.  I'm spent & need to be done.

A lot of times, I wish I'd never made it into adulthood.  It had nothing to offer that I needed or wanted.  I wonder what if I'd died at a midnight showing of Rocky, spinning under a disco ball at the rink or even dancing under the lights at a club.  That would've been a good ending.  Instead I'll probably die in some disgustingly substandard, abysmally predictable hellhole. 

It's dark out & supposed to storm.  The upcoming week looks to be the same.  Here comes more SAD & cortisol.   Even if the sun did shine, it wouldn't matter, too much shit is still there & not going anywhere.  Being this tired, swamped by BS & dealing with this life is more than I can handle.   I don't need a refund or exchange, I just want it all gone.

There's my murky morning rant.

Cya...

Beware The Corti's...

 

Cortisol is a necessary hormone that affects a variety of bodily functions; waking, breathing, metabolism...  Normally it works, but some of us have issues with the cortisol awakening response (CAR).  For most people waking is just a part of the day.  

For people with a non typical CAR, it can mean difficulty waking or jolting.  I typically have the jolt.  It can leave me anxious, jittery, angry or panicked.  It doesn't usually last long, under an hour, but it ruins my morning & exhausts me.  I can stay edgy until I get a decent night's sleep again without a bad waking.

These surges can make you feel like you're under a lot of stress.  There are jitters, your heart races, concentration is shot, rapid breathing & blood pressure can rise, etc...  Cortisol can impact a lot of the body.  It can make you emotional, panicky & manic.

This article is about calming cortisol issues.  Maybe some of them will work for you.  I haven't had the best of luck, but I'm also dealing with SAD. 

This piece started me down this rabbit hole.  It's about an HIV+ woman who was prescribed a corticosteroid as part of her treatment.  Steroids are common for treating breathing issues & pneumonia.   That's where all the normal went out the window.

Shortly after, the patient was began having symptoms of manic episodes.  Corticosteroids are a manufactured version of Cortisol.  It has many of the hormone's benefits, but also the less desirable qualities.  A person with no psychiatric history had to be further hospitalized for manic episodes due to these medications.

This graph is from the article.  It shows the course of this experience from onset of the med, to removal from, to discharge.   This woman lost nearly 2 weeks of her life to a psychiatric condition due to a reaction to standard medication.

Cortisol & its derivatives are powerful hormones/chemicals.  They can alter your world in ways you wouldn't suspect.  Mine is made worse due to SAD & thyroid issues.  This is an article you should read if you have cortisol issues, use similar meds, have waking issues or are dealing unusually rough mornings.

Take care.

Cya...

1st Fall Sleep...

 

I have different sleep modes for the seasons.  I don't sleep as deeply when it's warmer.  However, I'm more apt to sprawl & roll, so when I wake up I'm not stiff & achy.  It's generally a more restful sleep.  My cooler weather sleep is deeper with me more balled up & still.  I wake less, but I'm probably going to be stiff & sore.  

Cool of the year sleep also leads to jolty wake ups.  Sudden waking & sometimes cortisol surges.  I wake shaky, nervous & frazzled.  If it continues, it gets  worse.   I eventually wake up an anxious, exhausted  mess.   There is little I like about the dark of the year.   Most of September through most of April shouldn't even be on the calendar.   

So my 1st dark of the year sleep happened, just great.

Cya...

Different Mornings...

 

It's cooling some here.  We'll still have the AC at  times,  but the overnight temps look to be in the 60s.  These cooler nights make it harder for the day to heat.   They also make for deeper sleep.   More sleep is good & bad for me.  I need good sleep, but too  deep & I risk jolty wake ups & cortisol issues.  I can  feel the light sliding.   As hot as it was this Summer, it wasn't ever that bright for long.  Between the darkness of early June, then the heavy rains, the massive heat, the power outages & storms;  this season was a crapfest.  Too bad it's leading into more darkness.

I discovered a culprit in my diet, little starlight mints.   I never thought they were good  for  me, but I never knew they were so off the charts for sugars.  Cutting them out, will lower my sugar intake drastically.  3 of  those little things had 20% of your daily sugar.  I was popping a couple every few hours.  Damned oral fixation.   It was the root of my smoking, not nicotine.  Oh well, now I know. 

Cya...

Worst Wake Up ...

 

We had more storms.  It looks somewhere between 2.5 - 3" fell last night.  There were already flood warnings in the area.  I'm sure some local parts are swimming, if not submerged.

I think the storms pushed the neverending drear of this season added to my bad waking.  Thanks to weather issues & SAD, I've experienced some bad mornings.  Mostly with stiffness, dehydration & some emotional stuff.  

This morning was different.  I bolted awake for some reason.  I was asleep & then I was sitting up eyes wide open.   I don't know what  happened, but I hate  bolting awake.   Cortisol blared through me.  My  body was tense & my breathing was too quick.   I have no idea why I woke like that.  Nearly an hour later & I'm still feeling it.  

I hate mornings & it's mutual.  Sometimes, it feels like mornings are trying to off me.

Cya...

Update & Opening...

Oklahoma has supposedly peaked with COVID-19, only time will tell.   The state has released a plan for reopening.   Parts will begin today, some larger cities are holding off until the 1st of May.   The process comes in 3 phases & can be withdrawn if case numbers increase.  The plan is at least a month long & seems reasonable.  Whether of not it will work is the question.

It's another grey morning.  These things are taking their toll.  I'm not panicky or overly anxious, but these higher cortisol levels are leaving me wound up in the morning.  Luckily, I don't usually deal with anyone for a while after I wake up.  I can generally come down from the morning nerves.  I still hate it though.  It's tiresome.

Take care & be safe.

Cya...

Cortisol Control...

After yesterday morning, I decided to look into managing cortisol.  I thought if I could do it, maybe I could lessen the number of bad mornings I have.  I guess I was trying to be funny, because all that search did was lead me into typical wellness hoo-ha; get sleep, exercise, be mindful, don't stress, eat right, don't drink, don't smoke... The same BS they say about absolutely everything.   I hate the do-gooder police.  They always have their knee-jerk go-to's.  Especially when they don't know what the hell they're talking about.  Too bad doctors reiterate the same BS when they're stumped.  

I was hoping for a supplement or something to help level my cortisol levels.  Some far that I haven't found anything.  I'll keep looking.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Cortisol Suckage...

I've had a few not great mornings this Fall.  This was my 1st super-stressed wake-up.  Some mornings I wake terrified or worried about everything.  Sometimes I feel like I've been given a heart-shot of adrenaline & I'm in a fight or flight moment, but I can't choose either.  Then there are murder mornings.  There are times when I wake up that I'm so seriously angry I could kill the world.  I might feel bad about in a hour or so, but in that moment I'd do it & laugh like an madman.

All those mornings have somethings in common.  I never feel rested.  I'm exhausted & sore.  Even after I come down, I'm still edgy for hours.  The villain of this story is cortisol.

This piece talks about morning anxiety.  It details the symptoms & their relation with the hormone cortisol.  This piece talks about how cortisol affects mental states.  Cortisol can affect blood pressure.  Its production can be affected by a host of environmental factors & health conditions, such as HIV.

Cortisol may be necessary, but it is such a bitch.

Cya...

Not A Great Start...

Mornings & I have a mutual hate of each other.  Occasionally, I'll have a good morning.  Sometimes even a really good morning.  Those are so rare, they're practically things of legend, like unicorns.   

Most of my mornings are hellish events where I either wake in a total drear induced funk or I'm bouncing off the wall with stress & anxiety.  On those mornings it's a tie for for huddling in the corner, just trying to breath & going on a murderous, rampage.  These events can last minutes to an hour.  Either way, I'm usually left exhausted.   

I hate mornings.

If you look up morning stress or anxiety, you'll find a lot of hits, mostly of the useless, pop-psychology vein.  You might see a reference to cortisol awakening response.  How your body releases an abundance of the stress hormone, cortisol, when you wake.  Some people, get enough for an elephant.  There's a lot of alleged reasons & slightly weird attempts to explain why some people have more than others.

If you're always stressed, in pain, eat poorly, sleep badly, drink, smoke, etc.. you're allegedly more prone to the  response.  Funny, how those are the things doctors always point to as the cause for everything.  Surely, they're not pushing some propagandized, rhetoric agenga.

What do these articles prescribe?  Eat better, meditate, sleep better, exercise, therapy, listen to music, be grateful, self-reward, develop a healthy morning routine.  More of the same old BS & with contemplating your naval thrown in for good measure.  Of course, there's always medications.  Funny, how they're always so pro-drugs, when it's their drugs.

I'm left to figure out how to survive mornings.  How to get through those hellish minutes after I wake.  I hate mornings.  If there was a button you could push & it would destroy the world, there are a lot of mornings I'd probably push it.

BTW, did I mention how I feel about mornings?

Cya...