Since my screening on Wednesday, something's been bothering me. At 1st I couldn't figure it out. Sure I was worn out by the process & it's taking a bit to get back. The procedure went well & it's over. But since then, there's been a lot of crap screwing up to some degree; cars, doors, computers, kittens... This stuff is constant agita. And we have a hell election coming up that could be very well ruin what little life I have. But I was still wondering what was really bothering me.
I finally figured it out. During the colonoscopy, then put me under. I didn't even notice going under, it was easy. Ever since I woke, part of me has been angry. That brief bit of time I was under was the most peaceful I'd been in decades. There wasn't any fighting, stress dreams, fear, anxiety. I wasn't fighting to stay asleep. I just wasn't. Then I woke up & it all came back.
Maybe it's morbid, but if I hadn't woke up, all that would've stayed gone & I could've just not been. I don't remember the last time I was that relaxed & peaceful. It's fairly likely, the answer is never. Maybe it's just a reaction to the meds, but I've been in borderline panic & anxiety fit ever since.
I hate waking, it's always so horrible for me. If there had ever been any kindness in this world, I would've stayed where that was. Guess I have my answer on that.
Cya...
