Figured It Out...

 

Since my screening on Wednesday, something's been bothering me.  At 1st I couldn't figure it out.  Sure I was worn out by the process & it's taking a bit to get back.  The procedure went well & it's over.  But since then, there's been a lot of crap screwing up to some degree; cars, doors, computers, kittens...  This stuff is constant agita.  And we have a hell election coming up that could be very well ruin what little life I have.   But I was still wondering what was really bothering me.

I finally figured it out.  During the colonoscopy, then put me under.  I didn't even notice going under, it was easy.  Ever since I woke, part of me has been angry.  That brief bit of time I was under was the most peaceful I'd been in decades.  There wasn't any fighting, stress dreams, fear, anxiety.  I wasn't fighting to stay asleep.  I just wasn't.  Then I woke up & it all came back. 

Maybe it's morbid, but if I hadn't woke up, all that would've stayed gone & I could've just not been.   I don't remember the last time I was that relaxed & peaceful.  It's fairly likely, the answer is never.   Maybe it's just a reaction to the meds, but I've been in borderline panic & anxiety fit ever since.  

I hate waking, it's always so horrible for me.  If there had ever been any kindness in this world, I would've stayed where that was.  Guess I have my answer on that.

Cya... 

Angry, Embarrassed, Relieved...

 

The plumber finally came.  He told us the problem wasn't a hard fix & had it handled fairly quickly.  He also told us it had probably been there a while & we hadn't noticed.  The noise we heard in the pipes was most likely the city cleaning lines.  It may not have had anything to with our house.

While I am relieved, I'm also angry.  If the city had given notice, we might have considered the noise we heard had been them.  If my family had taught me a fraction of the practical skills they had, then I might have been better equipped to handle the situation.   My family taught me precious little.  What I do know, I gleaned watching people or learned via trial & error.  Now, the net & youtube make things a lot easier. 

I'm angry, because the 1st guy that came made this seem like a huge problem.   He would've probably tried to replace the entire line.  Which would've possibly cost 1,000s.  

I'm embarrassed for my lack of knowledge.  I do my best not to be so ignorant about things.  Still there are areas I know nothing about.  I can do research to try, but it doesn't always work.  Especially, not when I'm rattled, stressed & panicking.  

For now it's handled.  It'd be nice if nothing else craps out for a long while.  The people of this house need a serious moment to catch their breath & recuperate. 

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Just C...

There's nothing going here, but the month long diorama of clouds & rain. So far, March has been 1 note.   It doesn't look to clear up any time soon.  

Most the articles still concern COVID-19.  They're now are aiming their gloom at Africa.   Maybe some HIV+ Africans are more at risk or have limited ability to maintain a regimen.

Coronavirus is serious.  But, this feels very hyped & staged for panic.  Panic makes people do dumb things.  Like, re-elect Trump.  These types of situations may hurt some businesses, but others are thriving.   This scenario can be used to undermine civil liberties & decency.  

Remember, this isn't the 1st pandemic we've been through.  It probably won't be the last.   Try to stay calm & do what you can.  You can't do anything about the rest of it.  Stop reading social media about coronavirus.  A lot of it is inaccurate & much is just mean spirited.  

Be kind to yourself & others, take care.

Cya...

FIRE!!!

I'm not saying COVID-19 isn't dangerous.  Here are some relevant charts.  I'm saying, while the virus is a hazard, it's not as dangerous as the hype.  

Some are comparing this to AIDS in the 80s.  It's not the same. Having AIDS then was nearly always a death sentence.  It was horrifying, humiliating & isolating.   Doubt me, look at pictures of those who have died from coronavirus & then at those that died from AIDS during the 80s.  This is just an instance where a deadly virus is spreading  & has no target audience.  Anyone can catch it.  It's causing outrage, stigma, fear, & dangerous actions.

It is illegal to yell fire in a theatre.  Even if there is a fire, if people panic, it will be worse.  More people die of panic reactions in dangerous situations than from the actual danger.  They get trampled, attacked, accused, abandoned, etc... 

Yes, this is a serious situation, but panic won't help.  Try to stay calm & reasonable.  With all likelihood this virus will pass & we'll move on.  Unfortunately, we'll likely return to our status quo & learn nothing.

So be calm & take care.

Cya...

Early Morning Panic...

I'm prone to wake up somewhere just before sunrise & not be able to really get back to sleep.  Sometimes I wake in a panic, sometimes it cranks up.  I'm not sure which is worse.   Trying to be rational, doesn't help.  Maybe I'm actually still too asleep to do that.  It feels like being on a horse that's terrified & bolting.  It's not really trying to hurt you, but you might get hurt in the process.  I just have to ride it out & then I'm exhausted & frazzled.

This worse during the Winter.  It's gotten more notable on Triumeq.  But now with disability review, it's been every morning.  I'm really tired.  Sometimes, I stay so spent, my face actually hurts.

I've got to get around.  We have shopping.  Tomorrow, I have to get an X-Ray for a failed TB test.   I always test positive.  Then we have to go to the optometrist.

I hope you're all doing well.

Cya...

Fractious...

There basically isn't a post today.  I'm  super anxious & panicky this morning.  I got notice they're reviewing my disability yesterday.   I've already sent everything back in & my roomie keeps telling me this will turn out fine.  I hope so.  I don't have anything else.  If I lose this, it's all gone.  It'll be game over for me.  I've got nothing left.  I hate my life.  I'm so tired of being in a state of panic.

Cya...

This Is What I Can Do...

I have always been edgy, not necessarily in the cool way either.  Being raised the way I was leaves one in a state of hyper awareness & reaction.  It often decides to display itself at the most disadvantageous of times. Being on disability, $ is always a major issue.   If I'm not careful I can utterly freak myself out about, especially at night.  I usually go to bed just fine, somewhere in the night I awake & for some reason thoughts of doom & dread come flying into my head.

Sometimes, I completely fail at containing these feelings & go into full out panic.  This sucks, let me repeat, THIS SUCKS!!!  Everything goes faster, is louder & is more intense in nearly every aspect.  It's like some one drugged you with coke & LSD at the same time, a freaked out, bad trip.

Other times I manage to get it under control & remind myself that at this moment there is nothing I can do about whatever situation is about to drive me bonkers.  There will be no benefit in giving into the primal urge just to freak out.  I have to really embrace the Virgo & tell myself I'll make a plan for it, something that will allow me to cope with this problem the best way that I can.

I look at the problem & have to access what needs to be done, what I'd like to do & what I can do.  It's been hard learning to accept that although there things in my life that should be handled this way or that, that I have to deal with the fact that I may or may not be able to accomplish things in those manners.  I had to learn to accept my limits & be alright with what I could do.

I sign a lot of petitions on-line for political, environmental & other reasons.  Inevitably these places always ask for donations or volunteers.  I can't do those things & sometimes it gets to me.  I'd love to give some of these movements or websites $.  I'd love to give to some of the causes I support.  I'd love to give Wikipedia  some $ Love or Shane Dawson on Youtube, but I can't. I don't have the $ to give.  As for volunteering, most of these movements don't have anything near & even if they did, most of the time I wouldn't feel up to doing it.  Past that, if I did feel up to volunteering, there such weird rules for someone on disability doing anything, even volunteering, it could jeopardize my situation.

I can sign the petitions, I can send emails & I can go to all the click-to-give sites & click.  I know it doesn't sound like much & most likely it isn't.  Sometimes it really does bother me to be so ineffective in matters that I care about.  I have to remind myself that I am doing what I can do & I just have to accept that.

When you find yourself in a place where you have to decide what course of action you're going to take on some matter.

1. Examine the situation.  
2. What are your options?  
3. Do you even want to get involved?
4. What should be done in the situation?
5. What can you feasibly do?
6. What won't wreck your bank account?
7. What won't overwhelm the rest of your life & responsibilities?
8. Then accept the remaining as what you can do.
9. Then do what you can do.
10. Accept that you've contributed what you could.

It may not matter to much, but it was something.  That's better than nothing or being totally callous to the situation.  A lot of small things can add up to be something pretty tremendous, consider all the little drops that formed canyons.  It's OK to be one of those tiny little drops that in concert will cut out a canyons or form a new river bed.  It's OK to be small part of a large thing.  I know we're not taught that, but it is OK.  That's the whole basis of a grassroots movement.

Do what you can...

It only takes a drop of water to move the world

That's what one little drop can do

Frazzled...

I'm up damn early this morning, the Sun is no where in sight.  My nerves have annihilated my zzz's.  The van is throwing fits again & I have no idea what's wrong with it or how much it's going to cost.  I woke & started thinking about that & all the other $ I was going to need for upcoming expenses in the year & the jitters kicked into action.

I hate this, because if I don't get a handle on it quickly I could go into full out panic mode.  Frankly, my health and sanity can do without that.  But there's a new mower, dental expenses, car tags, car insurance & who knows what else lurking around the corner.

Everybody goes through this kind of thing.  Sometimes I just feel like I'm constantly living on the camel's back that is about to break from all these $ straws.  I try not to let it get in my head but I'm not so good at that.  I'm a Virgo & we Virgos like to have a plan of attack prepared for every situation.  If we don't, we get edgy & I'd measure that edginess with a richter magnitude scale.

So I'm up early waiting to see if I can get the car in to the mechanic or if they'll be open Monday.  It'll be MLK day. Now all I can do is wait & see.  As I said before, I hate waiting.  Hope your day goes better, cause...