Book Perspective....

I wrote a while back I was trying to get back into reading.  It's not been easy, but it's happening.   I finished 3 books, 1 of which was in a series I decided not to finish.  I got about halfway through a piece a Broadway production was based off & decided it was probably best left to the stage.  I started an acclaimed mystery/thriller writer's last work & dumped it when he dropped the ball with a character.  According to the reviews, a lot of readers stopped about the same place I did.  

I've finished a few & dropped some. I'm trying to get back into reading, but I'm not obligated to finish something boring or poorly written.   I had a lot of e-books lined up to read.  When I got them, I had very short briefs on them.  Since then, I've found out more about them & culled a lot.  I'm not into more traditional science fiction or the overtly romantic.   I pretty much hate the young adult genre.  I'm sure there's some lovely YA work out there & you can have it.

This process & return to reading has made me face something.  Things change, like the Bowie song.  I'm not the person who stopped reading in the early 2000's.  Books aren't being written the same anymore.  Even the authors I used to love are problematic.  Some have evolved into something else, possibly better, but at least into something I'm unfamiliar with & not particularly fond of. 

I've grown intolerant of some things.  A lot of fantasy & horror is so formulaic, you know how the story will play out halfway through.  In the 1980 & early 90s, I'd raid the video rental stores & come back with armloads of horror flicks. Maybe 10% didn't suck, but I always went back for more.  I wasn't worn out on the genre yet & there weren't a lot of other choices.    The same thing went for horror, fantasy  & most fiction novels of the time

Things did change.  I stopped reading for a while & became more demanding.  I have another choice now, I don't have to read just anything.  I can wait for the next thing.   I've gone through this with most mediums, not just books.  I've tired of a lot of films & music, that I would've used have let play on in the background.  Now, I want more, if I'm going to give these things my attention.  

I don't care if  you suck, just be clever about.  Be some bombastic disaster, not some whimpering, lukewarm mess.

Cya...

Focus...

 A few days ago, I did a post over my issues with reading since becoming +.  This is something I would've loved  to have had a support group to talk to about.  Was what I experienced something due to HIV, my shoddy health, stress, all the above or something else entirely?  I really had no source of personal issue information.  There are no support groups near me & those online were just strange, awkward & sometimes somewhat adversarial.  

I know there are cognition issues for some people with HIV.  Was that what I was experiencing?  Was I just stressed & tired?  I was frustrated with the inability to read as well as I did.  I could've never have gotten through college if I'd been this ill then.  

Whatever it may have been, as with most things concerning HIV, I've only had my roomie, the internet & myself to get through it.  There are some areas where doctors have just been useless.    I still don't have the answers, but I'm trying.  I've made it through a novel & have started another.  Maybe I can get back into this eventually.

The medical info is incredibly important regarding HIV, but so are any pointers on the day to day living with the virus.    Most the advice I've found has been so touchy-feely or new-agey it's not been helpful for me.   All I can do on this matter, is pick up a book.  I can try to read it & not let myself get too frustrated.  If I do get anxious, I can put it back down & come back later.  Like later that day, not next year.  It seems to be working for the moment.  It's another step.  

Cya...

1st Friday In March...

Afraid this is going to be another short post.  I'm not in a hurry, but I just haven't found much to write about today.  Good articles were  in short supply & mostly on subjects I've covered.    I've got to pick my roomie up later & maybe get something to eat.  Those are my big plans for today.

We've got some yard work to get through this weekend.  Not much, but some trimming that needs to get done before the yard guy shows up to mow again.  I hate we're already talking about mowing.

I've started another book, Black Crusade.  It's an unpublished novel from the RPG game line, Ravenloft.    The company bought the novel & then cancelled the line before publishing it.  They later released it on their website.  I've read all the other books in this line, so I'll try this 1.  That doesn't mean much, considering all the novels were written by different authors.  Hopefully, it'll be a good read.

Have a great weekend.

Cya...

Unfocused Distraction ...

A big difference between my pre & post HIV self is focus.   Before HIV, I was an avid reader.  I went through books at a fairly serious rate.  That changed with HIV.  I'm not sure how many others get this but I did.  At 1st, I was just too exhausted to focus on anything besides not falling out off the couch.  But even after being on my meds for years, I could hardly read anything longer long a comic.  My mind would just skip away from  it & give me a dull ache. 

I hated this.  Reading & music were my childhood saviors & throughout most of my life.  Now, sometimes even listening to music can be too much.  Too much buzzing, too much nostalgia, too much emotion, loss or something.  I'm finally getting past that with music these last couple of years.  But, it still gets to me sometimes.

Several months back I read a list of the best fiction of 2015.  I scanned the article & found some that seemed interesting.   I've tried to go back to some of my old, standby authors of the past, but they  held no interest for me now.  That really sucked to let go of them.  Maybe someday I'll get back to them.  

I got e-book copies of these highly reviewed new works.  But, I didn't read them.  They waited for months, before I looked seriously at any of them.  Finally, I did. It was getting promoted everywhere.  It had serious hype.  It was even headed to television.  What I saw on TV was fair enough.  In my past experience, books had always outshone film versions.  I decided to read this book, actually by this time it was a series.

It was praised, produced & pushed.  Most of all it was fairly short.  I had no previous attachments to the author.  I went in hopeful.  I was actually going to read again & I did.

I managed to push myself through the 400+ page book in about a week.  That wouldn't of lasted a couple of days in my reading prime & possibly as little as a few hours if  the piece was really good.   I plodded through the work. I made it to the end & now I'm just sort of pissed.

After forcing myself to read something, specifically this praised piece, it seriously just sucked.  I won't go into the author or work's name.  I'm not  here to trash art or fiction.  I can't blame the writer for me  not liking his work.   I can harp on his bad writing & refusal to use proper punctuation.   I can blame his editor for not screaming about his lack of commas.  I can blame the market people for calling this work adult when it definitely belonged in young adult with all the other mopey, dopey, some teenager saves the world crap.   I guess the alcohol & sex moved the young characters across the aisle into the adult land.

I blame myself for buying his praise & when I looked closer only about half the people really loved his work.  Most of the others really hated it.    This isn't on him, it's on me.  I contracted HIV & lost my passion for reading.  I fell out of trend & knowledge of the current writing scene.   I'm done with lists of the best what-evers.   I read 1 over the best horror films of 2015 from a an online blog, I09, Gawker or some such thing.  I know, consider the source.   Between my roomie & me, we've seen them.  They were OK at best & most of them were outright awful.  Screw the best lists.

But, I did it.  I read my 1st full book  in over a decade.  I dipped my toe back into fiction.  Too bad the water I choose was a murky, childish sty.  Still, even though the book was awful, I won. I met my goal.  Maybe that's my goal for 2016.  Maybe, I can try to get back into reading, even if it does still sort of give me a headache & it's still hard to focus.  I'll put this in the win column.

Cya...

PS:  ...ygolirT snaicigaM s'namssorG veL diovA

Reading...

I've been reading some comics lately.  Mainly because a comic is about as lengthy as I can handle these days.  I used to be an avid reader.  I had several novels going at one time & countless articles or textbooks to be read.  Nowadays, I just can't focus on reading at all.  After a bit, my mind wonders & my eyes feel strained.  I hate that.  Reading used to be one of my biggest escapes, now I find it a taxing endeavor.

It started when I was first getting ill.  I could barely stay awake, let alone read.  My mind refused to focus on anything.  I didn't want to eat or do anything.  I laid there mostly sleeping & usually cold.  I could barely get through a sit-com, let alone a novel.

A lot of things have gotten closer to the norm of what they used to be before I was +, but not this one.  This illness has killed my metabolism, my hair & my ability to stay on track.  I was always prone to tangents, but this is ridiculous.  

I have stacks of books that I got while I was still reading.  Most of them are well over ten years old now.  I look at them & feel a bit wasteful.  Maybe one day, I'll be able to read them.  

Cya

Off On Out Of Focus Tangents...

I don't always talk about being +, but I'll try to get back to it, at least a little while before I veer off into something else again.  There are many things I hate about being + & the one I'll try to zoom in on today is my lack of focus. I used to love to read & watch movies.  These are things that are difficult for me now, especially the reading.  It was nothing for me to read a couple of novels a week on top of all the stuff I had to cover for my classes while I was in college.  That is no longer the case.  I haven't read a novel in years.  I HATE THAT.  I can barely hold it together long enough to get through the ten to twenty pages of Naruto that gets released weekly.

I just can't focus.  I start reading & think I'm doing well.   I look down & I've read twenty some odd pages.  Then it hits me, I can't remember half of what I read because my mind was focused on how much my arm was cramping in that position or wondering what that sound was that I just heard.  I made all the way through college to a Ph.D. without ever really seriously studying for anything.  I could read it in a flash & have it in my memory long enough to take any test.  Those days are long gone.

If my mind wandering off isn't bad enough, my body wants to as well.  Sometimes, even when I feel like crap, I can barely sit still.  I get anxious, my legs cramp or I just find myself walking off for no reason to another room.  It makes watching a movie almost impossible.  Movies I do get through are on a little portable DVD player next to my computer.  That way I can "watch" the movie & continue typing or playing a game.  I watch some TV episodes on my computer & most of the time I use the fast forward to zip through because the show bored me.  If I go to the theater, I have to fight the urge just to give into the darkness & comfy reclining chair & not fall asleep.

These days my mind is about as clear as some fuzzy impressionistic painting.  I know there's a couple of boats on some water & it's either dawn or dusk, but nothing else.  Since I've been + I've been twitchy, fuzzy & jumpy.  My mind wanders down some precarious little path of a thousand plus twists & turns.  I get bored.   I get frustrated.  I just get completely disinterested.  My body wants to keep moving even though I usually don't have the stamina to keep going all that long.

Of all the things I've lost due to HIV, I think the one that pisses me off the most or at least always hits high on the top ten is the fact it robbed me.   I don't like the physical changes in appearance but I can deal with them.  But this little virus robbed me of my drive to read, to learn, to explore.  It took away my ability to just sit & listen to a cd or watch a movie in its entirety without getting up or fast-forwarding.

I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it, but I keep plodding along.  Maybe I'll come across a book that will hold my attention enough to read it through.  Sometimes I do still find a movie that I can watch, like Red or Despicable Me.  I guess I'll just have to wait & see.