Oh Joy, Fall's Back...

Fall is here & I'm sure some people are happy about it.  I'm not among that kind.  I'm not a pumpkin spice slut, a fan of drear, darkness or the damp.  Autumn may be necessary, but it isn't pretty.  It's nothing but littering, shedding & rot.  It's the compost season of the year.  These are the months when everything scurries about trying to gather enough to survive the hell months of Winter.  The 'Ber & 'Ary months aren't my friends.

I did find a few articles, but for some reason the host pages were having issues.  Maybe I'll find them later.   It's hard enough finding pieces without sites crapping out.

So, hello Autumn, do try not to suck.

Cya...

Countdown Issues...

 

There's only 5 full days until my birthday & things are letting me know it.  There are many reasons I'm not fond of this day, but a major issue is that crap always happens around it.   Not little things, but a lot of serious problems show up.  The car is screwing up again.  It could be the ignition.  That would explain some of the previous issues with it.  But still, it's already been a pain the ass all season long.  Just another pre birthday issue.

Hell, there are several days left, maybe the world will break & that damn day just won't get here.  I'm not that lucky.  There's nothing good about that day.  Besides bringing a crapstorm of issues, it's the opening to the dark of the year.

On top of all this, the weather is still dark & raining.  It's making things even harder.  Every year this gets worse.  The last couple of years were very rough on me.  I'm expecting it to be more so this time around.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Season Issues...

 

Yesterday was cooler & I tried to enjoy it.  But it was also dark.  I tried not to focus on it, but I knew it.  The only reason the light's changing & the slightly cooler day happened is that the season is winding down.  I hate the end of Summer.  Nothing good happens past that point.  The last couple of Summer's haven't been that great.  They've stayed dark throughout most of June. The sunlight only came with blazing temps.   

It's been getting darker earlier.  I do my best not to look as the streetlamp goes on.  But I still notice it.  My birthday is 3 Mondays from today.   I really don't want to see it.  It's not the getting older, it's the everything getting worse.  I've wanted the same thing for years, not see another birthday.  My day leads into the dark of the year & nothing good will come my way.  It's already been a hard year & I'm tired.  

Ever since the stroke & the anesthesia for the colonoscopy, I've been more aware of how little there is for me in this life.  Each year, there's less & I don't think there's anything I can do about that.  I've spent too much of my life without hope & I'm tired of being like some unwanted toy on an isle.

Sorry for the depressing post, but it's where I'm at right now.  To the dark of the year people who revel in my helltime, may it do you in this year.  May you freeze, suffer from SAD, be alone, powerless & without any thought as to how it could get better.  If you go that for a day, then you'd have the briefest glimpse of what it's like for some of us once Summer ends.

Cya...

Last Of June...

 

June is almost over.  This is the last weekend.  It wasn't the worst month, but it had a lot of unwanted surprises.   The worst of which was Machen no longer being here.  It's the 3rd day since he made his last trip to the vet.  Like so many things, he was beyond my ability to help any more than I did.  

For as long as I can remember things have rushed through my life without regard for me.  So much of it was out of my control.  I thought that would lessen as I got older.  I was wrong, the chaos increased & I have even less ability to influence any of it. I'm tired of being the rock in the sea of chaos.   It's exhausting.

Enjoy your last bit of June.   Take care.

Cya...

Wanted...

 

I guess most people want to be wanted (choose your song reference).  But, a lot of us aren't.  I didn't jump on the bandwagon supporting the inclusion of all the various groups these last years.   Whether they're Gay, trans,  POC or some other distinguished group, they all wanted the same thing.  They wanted to be in the room with all the other people.  They wanted to be included.  They wanted a seat at the table, to share the moment & conversation with other people.  They didn't want to be alone, to be the outsider, to be the obligation or the freak.  

I think most of us go through this at some point.  For some of us, it nevers ends.   If it does end for some, they're probably always afraid it'll return.  I had those things for a while when I was younger.  Long enough to know what it felt like & then it was gone.  I didn't cause it, but still from then on I was the person outside looking in. 

I never had the nerve to demand inclusion like the masses of trans & queers of recent times.   I knew that wouldn't work.  Still, I could talk, I could dress myself up, I could make myself capable of being included.   There was always a price.  I could never really be me.  The time at these events was always precarious.  A single misstep & I was out.  There would be whispers & side glances.  They'd wonder who brought the stray.  They'd check their purses, wallets, etc... 

Even at my most saleable, there was still only so far I could go.  Eventually, my In would tire of the questions & bail on me.  When the dazzling diversion they thought I could provide turned out to be something else, they felt cheated & cut me loose.  When you play this game of inclusion, you aren't really included.  You're the oddity, the prop, the conversation piece.   You're the tolerable weirdness brought to keep the party from getting too stale.   Eventually they tire of the flavor or you burn too bright & it's over.  Back to the outside for you.

These people who clawed for inclusion this last decade never really were.  They were just the current props used by the social, political, fashionable topsiders.  This election must of been a very sobering wake up for them.  Society still sees them as the freak, the refuse, the feral trying to get into their party. 

People that don't accept you for being who you are from the start, will most likely never accept you at all.  They may tolerate or use you, but they'll never really open the doors to the estate for you.  Unless of course you're the help.  Remember, the mean girls never really want you to change, they want you to go away, to not exist.  

Begging for inclusion always comes with a price.  You're selling a bit of you, your self, your spirit.  You're dimming that bit that makes you, you.   Maybe it's better to blaze out in the darkness than to be dimmed at the ball.  There are no good answers.

Take care.

Cya...

Not Good...

 

I didn't have a good day yesterday.   A lot of things just didn't go well.  Most of them weren't big, but they piled up.  I'm just done.  I can't fix anything, anymore.  But, that's who it'll fall to, me.  Because no one else is going to do it or much of anything else for me.  It's gotten passed the point of me just not wanting to.  It's really to, I just can't.  

This year has sucked & my birthday is this Sunday.  All I really want for it, is not to be here.  I don't think I can handle another year of this.  I'm just too broken & I may very well be missing pieces by now.  Other than my roomie & some cats, I don't have anything.  I'm trying to let those be enough.  But, there's nothing I want anymore except to get off this ride.  I'm tired, achy & usually scared.  This shouldn't be life.  I'm glad my parents are dead.  I hate them for condemning me to this life.

I should be in a better.  My labs did well.  It'll be cooling soon.  My birthday is near.  But, I just want to sleep & not wake up.   Abortion should be legal & highly recommended. 

Cya...

Frigid Weekend...

 

This weekend could get very cold, single digits, possibly lower.  I hope that skirts us & we just get cold & not breaking crap cold.  The problem is Oklahoma can get just about any kind of weather other than hurricanes.  The next issue, it's not managed well enough to handle any of it.  This place even has earthquakes.  I'm sure it's just a matter of time before a hurricane figures out how move far enough North to affect us more directly.   Maybe Texas will sink into the gulf.

This is impacting our normal routine.  Mondy mail was already off due to MLK Day.  Is it too soon to reiterate how much I hate Winter?  Precious little good comes from it around here.  We're still dealing with bugs & I can see green grass poking through the frost.  

We need to get around & get things going for the day.  Take care.

Cya...

Endings...

 

Sometimes things linger far after they should've ended.  We're in Summer, but it's acting like a hot, humid, dreary Spring.  We've had so few actual bright, summery days.   It's like Spring never really let go.

My roomie reads a lot of fantasy works.  Sometimes they're short & to the point, others ramble.  But, sometimes, there are those well developed pieces that are actual stories.  There's a beginning, middle & end.  There's plot & character development.  But most of all, the author thought enough of their work to give it a proper conclusion.  Stories need endings or else they're just aimless musings.  That cheapens them a bit.

Comics can be do this as well. Some of the best comics I've read have been short-run titles.    There  are points when even major titles feel like zombie  versions of themselves just trudging on because of habit.  Endings can make works stronger.

Sometimes we have endings we didn't ask for or want.  Sometimes those are very serious, others are angering, or just really annoying.  Over the past  couple of years,  they've cancelled TV shows I actually liked.  It pissed me off & now I'm having a hard time  getting into much of anything TV wise.

This month will mark the end of my insurance with my current carrier.  They're ending their business.  I had no choice in the matter.  I've found other coverage, but it wasn't my choice.  AT&T basically forced new phones on us.  We were planning on new phones, but  on our timeline, not theirs.  Both of these endings were manageable, but unwanted.

Endings must happen, even if things just stop.  But things deserve a proper goodbye.  That's it for now, take care.

Cya...