Change Of Plans...

 

I thought I had plans for Thanksgiving, turns out I was mistaken.  I found out last night & it irritated me.  Now, I have to decide what, if anything, I want to do for me.  I'm leaning towards nothing.  Yet another reason not to like holidays.  

The news didn't anger or even surprise me.  It was just par for the course.  But it did irritate me & nerved me out a bit.  Now I was back to zero.  I went to bed that way & didn't sleep well. 

The thing is, Saturday was a decent day for me.  I felt better & things were going OK.  I almost said something about it, but I didn't want to jinx it.  Turns out, it happened anyway.  I'm to the point of being suspicious of anything resembling good or even OK in my life.  It's almost always followed by crap.  

Do I think this was aimed at me?   No, I don't.  But, I'm still having to deal with it.  I guess it doesn't matter much, I was like always, just a +1.  I think I may have to be done with holidays for a while.  All they ever do is bring me issues, anxiety & crappy nostalgia.  I'm not in a good enough place to handle that anymore.

Of course, the stupid holiday is messing with out trash pick up.  There'll be 2 weeks of trash gathered before getting to the curb.  They get holidays & I get anxiousness & extra trash.  Sounds about normal.

Take care.

Cya...

Chilly Thursday...

 

Short post this morning.  It was cold last night & I slept fairly deep.  That's good & bad.  I probably needed the sleep.  But, I overslept & now I'm stiff.  The cold should end soon.   I didn't see any articles & we have no plans.  With any luck, this will be a nothing day.

Take care.

Cya...

Winding...

 

There's less than 10 days left in my birth year & August.  Neither was enjoyable.  I haven't had a good month since August 2022.  Nicer weather & no drama was what it had going for it.  Since then, it's been crap.  

As for years, I can't remember the last good year.  It certainly hasn't been in the 2000's.   I should've have listened to Prince, the party wasn't meant to last.  Life since then has been some trying zombiefest of both breath taking chaos & utter mind numbing tedium. 

I'm not saying pre-2000 life was a cakewalk.  It wasn't, but it was better than this.  I still had hopes, dreams & good entertainment.  None of that has been here for some time.

Another birthday is rolling up to remind me that I should of got off the carousel a long time ago.  People like me weren't meant to be here this long.  I'm way passed my "best use by date."  I have no real plans for my birthday, we'll see.   I hate being reminded there's no fun left anymore.  I already got the memo.

Cya...

But, But But...

 

Over the years I've read about many plans to end HIV.  Many of them sound possible if funded well enough.  Still, it never takes long for someone or some group to start picking at the plan.  It doesn't do this or that.  It doesn't focus on that group or these people.  Often the plan is abandoned.  The latest of these plans is already being ambushed.  I didn't even read this plan, but apparently it for some it doesn't do enough for children.  It will probably be trashed.

People please, no plan will ever be perfect.  We have to start somewhere & refocus as needed.  Who ever said it was going to be just 1 plan?   If every plan gets torn to shreds, nothing will ever move forward.  

Maybe that's exactly what these people really.  If HIV gets fixed what will their project?  What will they focus on?  What will be their identity?   I really do think some people would rather keep their identity as an HIV or other ailment activist than actually see the illness cured.  Talk about Munchausen's .

Cya...

Mid September...

 

We're midway through the month.  Bills are paid & we have nothing much planned for a bit.  Other than shopping & starting the new season of Bake Off, I think we're completely off any schedule for a bit.  Yay!

I needed yesterday off & I needed it to do better than it did.  It wasn't the day's fault.  That goes to  damnable ragweed & people burning stuff in their yards.  My eyes were shot yesterday.  I kept using eye drops to deal with the redness & irritants.  It helped some.  Allergy pills did little to help my breathing or sinuses.  Choose people; you can have ragweed, yard mowing or burning, but not all 3.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Quiet Morning...

 

It's bright & quiet this morning.  After the storms we  had last night, it's a welcome change.  Nearly an inch  of rain fell.  We're still low for the month, but I'd like if most of our rain didn't fall in a couple of sessions.  That leads to floods.

It's Veterans' Day, so there won't be any mail.  We  don't have plans today.   Hopefully, this will be an easy day.  

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Here's April...

So long March.  Hello April.   March was a fair enough month, even if a little too chilly.  Now we'll see what April has to offer.  I have a doctor's appointment mid month & will have to get blood drawn at the end of the month.   We don't have any major plans or events  for the month so far.  I can live with that.  So as always, Dear April, be sparing in the drama department.

Cya...

Plan-ish or Pipe-ish...

Its not a good morning.  It hasn't been in a long time.  I'm not really seeing a change in that any time soon.  A lot of times, changes come when you make them.  I'm not sure how to do that anymore.

I'm stuck in a state of despising where I'm at.  I can't stand this town or this house.  My roomie tells me all the upsides to this house.   I really don't care.  I know I could be a lot worse off, I do.   But, I'm the person trying to deal with the shittiness of this place everyday when I'm just trying to cook or clean.  The only way to fix this hole is with a bulldozer.

My roomie is trying to alter her perspective on things in her life.  Good for her, maybe it'll even work. But she doesn't interact with things here as much as I do.  I'm tired of this mess.  I'm tired of going to bed frustrated & waking up to it all over again.  

I'm tired of fighting with this place.  I'm tired of dealing with the older cats' issues.  I hate being in a place where I only know 1 person to any serious degree of depth or comfort.  I've tried in this town, it hasn't worked in this many years, it probably never will.

This house was supposed to be temporary.  We moved in 2009, we were only supposed to be here 5 years.  I doubt she even remembers telling me that.  She has a tendency to tell me things like that, then letting them slip her mind.   Last year was 5 years, but that was a really bad year.  This is year 6 & there's no real sign of ever getting out of here.

I let myself believe there was a plan, because having a plan makes it easier for me.    Its time for me to face the face the facts.  There wasn't a plan, there was only a pipe dream.  It seems even that is changing for my roomie.

Something new came into the picture & now her perspective on the situation is altered.  Not in a way benefiting my interests.  Its time to face up to things. I'm most likely never getting out of this hell hole town. Even if I do, it'll probably be a downward move into something worse.

Its times like these that makes it really difficult to justify continuing to take my meds.  I mostly hate my current life.  I'm not sure how to change it anymore. With any luck, I won't live to be that old.

I realize, this sounds like depression.  Maybe it is, but its also reality.  I've nearly posted this type of an entry a dozen times before.   I've talked myself out of it.  But this is part of being +.  You get stranded in situations, you might not be able to get out of, sort of like getting stuck in tar.

This is it.  I have no plans. I don't even have pipe dreams anymore.  This is the place I will most likely die.   Its on days like these, I really wish I'd never gotten tested.  That I'd just let things go their course.  It would've been easier, than pretending I'm holding it together & I've got a plan,  Instead, I'm here living like a reject, Armistead Maupin character stuck on the Island of Misfit Toys.

This just sucks & there seems to be little positive I can do about it.  I'm not even sure if I want to. Sorry for the downer trip.

Cya...