November Suck...

 

I didn't expect good things out of this month, but it's decided to be a real ass.  The house & car have needed work.  The time change happened.  It dumped  a massive amount of rain on us.  It's staying dark & getting colder.  We've been ill.  Everything is just picking at things.  Then the nation decided to give a refresher on how much it hates people like me; Gay, HIV+, single, on disability, poor, etc...

Not every night, but often, for as long as I can remember, I wanted the same thing when I went to sleep; to not wake up.  If I had to wake up, to at least not be me in my life.  50+ years later, I'm still here & cursing waking up.  There are no gods.  If there are, they're all sick & hateful things that get off on suffering.  Let me make something clear, life isn't precious or sacred.  It's just something you have to endure as long it lasts.

To all the people who voted to remind us how much you hate everything, just a reminder that everything probably feels the same way about you.   

Cya...

Crap Morning...

 

This is a crappy morning for several reasons.  1st off, it's morning & we are always contrary to each other.  My roomie is ill & I'm still not feeling well.  I was supposed to have a medical appointment right now, but it got rescheduled last minute.  It's now at a less convenient time next week.  If I'd known sooner, I could've schedule the repairman to fix the roof issue earlier.   But that would've been considerate.

Finally, we have proof that Democrats can't pick an electable candidate.  People choose that orange bastard over her.  He can do a lot of damage in 4 years.  I hate a lot of people right now.  But the Democrats have their own culpability here.  For too long they've lived in a world of ought-to-be's & wouldn't-that-be-nice's.  They've kept their heads in this pretty, rose colored version of should-be, instead of what actually was.  I don't think people voted for that bastard as much as they voted against her.

Maybe we'll get through this.

Cya...

Last Day Of Light...

 

The days were already getting really short, less than 11 hours.  This is last day before the time change.  Tomorrow's sunset will be about 5:20.  Before it's over, there will be days people in school or with day jobs will barely see sunlight.  

I had a reprieve yesterday & felt better.  It didn't last.  I woke to a dark room & at 10, it's still dim out.  I don't feel great, I'm a bit foggy & dehydrated.   This time of year sucks.

It will be 127 days until the next time change.  I wish I could just sleep through it.  Little, if any, good happens during the dark of the year.  

My SAD has gotten to the point, that from late August through September & October I just feel this dread about the rest of the year.  It's very difficult to enjoy any of it.  I try very hard to stay in the now.  But, it's not always a very attractive option.  None of the above, should definitely be a choice in situations like those.

Take care.

Cya...

Fading With The Last Of It...

 

This is the last Sunday of October.   Halloween is almost here & to be honest, I don't really care.  I hate that.  This used to be my favorite holiday.  

So much of what I enjoyed is gone & what's left I can't muster much excitement for.  I should've never stayed long enough to see this.  I wonder whose sick joke it was for me to live this long.  Hell, it was probably mine.  Another plan that backfired.

It's hazy again this morning & I don't feel well.  I spent most of yesterday tired, achey & just feeling off.  I thought sleep might help, but it didn't.  

The light is almost gone & this is the last week before the hellish time change.  I'll lose an hour of light, just some morning asshats can have it.  Sunset next Sunday will be 5:41.  I hope that hour of morning light brings those damn morning people misery.

The dread is hear.  I don't know how well I'll fare this year.  The Summer was weak & frustrating.  I don't have high hopes for the dark seasons this time around.  It's really hard to be this exhausted & out of it all the time & the season's just beginning.

That's all for now.  Take care.

Cya...

It's Here...

 

The fret & dread are back.  I hate the seasonal darkening.  It feels like an attack on my well being.  A month ago, the light lasted well past 8.  Now it's sundown before 7.  There's already less than 12 hours of light in the day now.  I wish I could shut down when there was less than half a day's worth of sunlight.  

With no fans going, I can hear every noise.   Something's been waking me just before 7 AM for weeks.  It's a lot of outside crap making noise I can hear now.  To hell with morning birds, people, trains, etc...  It's cool enough the cats feel like roughhousing all night.  The cool down is changing how I sleep & how sore I am because of it. 

I hate waking up.  Nothing good ever comes of waking up.   I know there will be BS when I wake up, I'm just not sure what that will be.  What screwed up?  What needs fixed?  What did the cats do?   Am I what's messed up?  

As much as I love looking at the moon, I hate dusk & dawn.  Let it be bright or dark, but the middle crap is awful.  Shove the dismal somewhere I never have to deal with it again.   I will never understand the people who like the dismal, overcast, cloudy, foggy, dreary days.  I have serious questions concerning their character. 

I wish I didn't have to sleep.  That's when the defenses go down.  That's when we fool ourselves with dreams.  That's when stress gets creative & screws with those dreams.  Most of all, if I didn't have to sleep, I wouldn't have to wake.  If a person must sleep, they should have the option of never waking.

Little, if any good, ever comes from waking.

Cya...

1st Monday of October...

 

The beginning of the month stuff should wrap up today.  We'll do some shopping & handle the last bill that isn't online.  Then a couple of errands & we'll be home.

The light's changed pretty drastically & I already feel it.  I see people online complaining about it not being Fall-ish enough for them.  While I'm dreading every minute of light lost to damn seasonal dark.   My wish for all those damned perky, dark of the year people is simple.  I hope they have hellacious colds & ballistic diarrhea all season long.  If I'm going to deal with more SAD, I'm willing to pass the misery around.

That's about it for this morning.  Take care.

Cya...

Goodbye September...

 

This is the last day of Sucktember & I'll be glad when it's over.  This has been a rough month.  It could've been a lot worse, but it was dismal enough as it was.  So much crap happened.   There were a lot of repairs & cat issues.  The kitten seems to be getting better.  Still, it marks 3 months I haven't seen the grey, porch cat, Chonk.  This will be a week since I've seen Tux cat.  Then there's Little Spot.  Since him having to be taken in, the other backyard cats are more suspicious of me, especially the other yellow cat. 

This month is always rough for me.  I woke tired this morning.  Nothing that more sleep would've fixed either.  The kind of exhaustion from knowing this crap has gone on too long & I'm about to crash.  Life shouldn't be this hard, nerve wracking, scary or demeaning.  If there's not going to some peace & comfort, I'd rather just get off this ride.

Goodbye September, you did you & sucked.

Take care.

Cya...

Needs To End...

 

My birth month, AKA Sucktember, needs to come to an end.  September & I have never been on friendly terms.  But, sometimes, it just likes to really be a pain.  There has been appointments, new doctors, new meds, cat issues, weird weather & breakage.

Yesterday, what should've been an easy day, this hell month decides to complicate things.  In the distance going between stores, a rear tire went nearly flat.   Luckily we were near the mechanics.  We got the tired fixed & went on our way.  

The rest of the day should've been easy, but no.  Right as we're about to watch TV, the remote dies.   It didn't need batteries, it was just dead.  Again, luckily, we'd ordered a replacement for it when we got the TV.  Still, I had to remember where I put it 2+ years earlier.  That got fixed & there is the option of the phone app for the TV.   Still, I'd rather have a remote.

It'd be nice if this month would end without more drama.  That's all for now.  Take care.

Cya...

The Lasts Of September...

 

It's the last Tuesday of this month.  We're to the final days of September.  We've entered Fall.  The leaves have been falling, the light is fading, the temps are cooling; none of which were things I wanted to happen.  

Walmart was out things I usually buy.  I've tried to order some of it.  We'll see it if comes in or not.  This store has been out of everything.

That's about it for now, take care.

Cya...

Not A Fan Of Weekends...

 

That may sound weird, but I get very apprehensive about weekends.  That's when the crap tends to happen for me.  Specifically late Friday when everything is basically closed.  Then I have to wait to Monday to even start to try to get something done.

The bathroom faucet needs to be replaced.  It was cheap & now it's breaking.  Of course it's on the weekend.  Hopefully it can get us through til we can it fixed.  

I am really trying to be in a better place.  But when stuff like my SSI review & house stuff keeps breaking, it's hard.  I get tired of trying, because the line of crap never ends.  The only way this will end is when I do.  Whoever said all life is sacred, was full of it.  Life is cheap, at best mundane & tedious.   But most often it's awful, maddening, terrifying & exhausting.   It was not worth the ticket price.

Still Not Good...

 

I hate this time of year & it's not just because my birthday means I'm getting older.  I don't remember this time not having a lot of stress.  There's always BS happening.  When I was young there was never anyone around that even acknowledged my birthday.  

The light's lessening & that makes me nervous.  The house is always near something breaking.  There's always something keeping me on edge.  Yesterday wasn't any better.  Things just refuse to work & let me be.  

I didn't sleep well last night.  I was too strung out.  I wish whatever was trying to break me would just do it & get it over with.   I'm tired of being the but end of the joke.  I give, let it be done.  There's nothing for me to gain here.  There's just more hell to endure.  My next year will most likely be worse than 57 was.  The last 25 years were a mistake.  Whoever said living was enough was very wrong.  Life sucks.

Cya...

Winding...

 

There's less than 10 days left in my birth year & August.  Neither was enjoyable.  I haven't had a good month since August 2022.  Nicer weather & no drama was what it had going for it.  Since then, it's been crap.  

As for years, I can't remember the last good year.  It certainly hasn't been in the 2000's.   I should've have listened to Prince, the party wasn't meant to last.  Life since then has been some trying zombiefest of both breath taking chaos & utter mind numbing tedium. 

I'm not saying pre-2000 life was a cakewalk.  It wasn't, but it was better than this.  I still had hopes, dreams & good entertainment.  None of that has been here for some time.

Another birthday is rolling up to remind me that I should of got off the carousel a long time ago.  People like me weren't meant to be here this long.  I'm way passed my "best use by date."  I have no real plans for my birthday, we'll see.   I hate being reminded there's no fun left anymore.  I already got the memo.

Cya...

Busier Week...

 

The last week of July is going to be busy.   We have to take the van in to the mechanic tomorrow & then drive over for our eye exam.    It's getting hot again, that means closing up the house a lot.  I don't like that, but we have to stay cool(er).

I needed to find my birth certificate.  We thought we put everything away like responsible adults.   It seems most everything except for my birth certificate was in there.  I had to order a new copy.   I'm still waiting to see how that goes.  Hopefully this doesn't screw up.  I'm really awful at adulting.

We'll go shopping here in a bit & that should be it for today.  After this, the 1st of month starts for August.  Bills all over.

Take care.

Cya...

Still Trying...

 

I'm still here & it feels like everything is trying it's best to push me over the edge.   A ton of little things, the weather, people's conditions, things needing handled, impending  storms that threaten our services, etc...  All of it eats at my resources.  What little I have.  Those people who say they enjoy getting older, must be leading very different lives than me.  My life was never easy, but every year, hell month, seems a lot harder.  It takes more to do less in almost every regard, from I can personally do to the cost of things.  Getting older was such a stupid idea.  

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Quick Before...

 

I'm posting before we lose the net again.  It happened again yesterday for over 8 hours.  We have to seriously look at other providers.  Optimum is just too horrible.  

My roomie has people in town & they have a memorial to go to this morning.  It'll be a quiet morning.  Hopefully with internet.   The warmer nights are here.  They'll probably stay throughout the season.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya....

1st Day Suck...

 

Let's start with Optimum Internet sucks every ass.  There that's handled.  Twice in a week they've dropped our net for over 14 hours.  It happened yesterday.  I just needed a simple day, but that didn't happen.  Now, I'm back to being gun shy about the net failing.   I didn't need that.

So much for things starting off on a good note.  Take care.

Cya...

Another Month...

 

I guess June's just going to suck like the previous months.  So much for descent mornings.  I didn't even bother looking at articles this morning.  I'm too tired, spent & irritated to focus on much.  To hell with substandard internet companies like Optimum.  Too bad they all seem to be crap.   I really hope whoever causes these internet outages & those who utterly refuse to communicate with anyone about ETA's would just fall over & be gone.   Nobody needs their grief.

Done ranting.  Now I just have to deal with the rest of the week's stuff.  Take care.

Cya...

Another Of Course Morning...

 

I guess my last few mornings weren't bad enough.  A lot of noise started around 6 & kept waking me.  When I finally get up, the internet was out.  Of course Sub-Optimum has no damned idea about restoration times.  I can't believe it, but they may actually be worse than Suddenlink.  The customer service definitely is.

Maybe more tomorrow.  Take care.

Cya...

Not 1...

 

I was hoping June would calm down.  I needed an easy morning after decent sleep.  I'm not getting either.  Little things keep happening & edging at my nerves.  I woke to crap noise outside & cats on the porch fussing.  I laid there just trying to rest.  Cause when I get up, I know the morning's going to be crap.  They almost always are anymore. 

I get up & the kitten has knocked a bunch of stuff over.  There's more BS outside.  I finally get to my computer & Iolo System Mechanic is trying to force a renewal on me for about $50.  I have to call those assholes & deal with their crap accents & shitty hard sales attempts.  I think it's cancelled.  If not I'll be calling my credit card. 

I'm spent.  I've been on the edge of breaking for years now.  But, it seems that something or someone always has more pressing needs & I can't deal with me.  I hate this.  I hate waking.  I hate just being here & it always being an unnerving crapfest.  The universe must hate me, it keeps having me wake up every morning.   Maybe if I could just let go, I wouldn't constantly feel like I'm vibrating so hard I could break.

On top of that I still don't anything about when my meds will get here.  I hope it's soon.  I have some extra, but this needs to end.  This is an HIV med.

So no, Apparently I can't have a good morning.

Cya...

Still Ugh...

 

Today was going to busy for my roomie, but a thing got cancelled.  Normally, that wouldn't have been good, but she a lot going on, so it actually lessened the load.  It also meant sleeping in later.  At least it was supposed to, the kitten didn't get that memo.  I wasn't fond of his wake up method & he wasn't fond of my response.  Mornings are always going to the bane of my existence.   I believe people that truly love mornings, especially the perky twats, are just pure evil.

Take care.

Cya...