Yardlings..

 

Since we moved to this house, porch & yard cats have come & gone.  We've done what we could.  Some of them move on other neighbors or areas, some just disappear.  Some don't make it.  I can only hope if something happens to them, it's quick.  Most won't let me touch them, so I can't do much to help them.  They're just to scared.

About a year & a half ago, we noticed a scraggly cat with a kitten.  The kitten grew but stayed near her mother even after the next litter arrived.   At some point the kitten had grown & we didn't see it anymore.  The new kittens were growing & there was the girl Shark (she'd dart out of nowhere to get food), Little Spot, the reclusive Grey girl & the talkative Stripe.   Shark was never friendly & after Little Spot passed, she was even less so.  Stripe was interactive, but skittish.  He eventually wandered off.  During all this the mother cat got pregnant again.  She didn't look well.  She vanished & was never seen again.   That was over a year ago.

During this time, Shark had a litter.  Grey & Stripe had left.  I'd occasionally see them for a while.  Shark had 4 kittens; 3 yellows & a greyish calico.  They were named after sharks.  I could never tell the yellows apart.  The 1st kitten died about 2 months ago.  He was just lying on the drive, barely breathing & then not.  A little over a week ago, it happened again to another yellow.  The last yellow, seemed to have the most health issues & has a hazy eye, but he's still here.  The grey calico, Goblin is still here.

Recently, Stripe showed back up with a flea collar on.  Maybe he found a person (I hope).  This morning I saw a cat lying in the road.  I'm fairly sure it was Shark.  Stripe may be the last of generation & then the 2 kittens.

Please be kind to strays & ferals.   Their lives are hard enough without anyone bringing them harm.  Days like this are rough.  I can barely keep myself going & can't help those who need it. 

Sorry for the downer, take care.

Cya...

Never Ending...

 

Being 58 has been like being at a really bad buffet where they keep loading your plate with things you never wanted.  There's been more of the typical crap like car stuff & house crap.  Then there were trips to the vet for both cats & now we're down to just Millie.  It's been hurry up, wait, spend a lot & stress even more.  Add to that, the crappy people of this country elected that orange bastard.   Him & his ilk are always  a threat.

My SAD hit early last year & I think it will again.  I'm really noticing the changing light.  I've got labs to be drawn & a telemedicine appointment coming up.  Big, new stress could be lurking on the edge.  I won't say much about it, because I'm not sure of anything.  I just know, I don't trust the situation.  I could be wrong, but so little goes our way.  During all of this, my roomie has had several ongoing health matters she's been dealing with.  They seem to be going well, but they take effort & planning.

We haven't really had our normal holiday routine since COVID.  We're trying, but things just aren't cooperating.  58 has been about stress, expense, lose, worry & exhaustion.  Life needs more off ramps.  I need to step away from this plate that things keep piling crap on.  I've had way more than my fill.

Cya...

Tethers....

 

During our lives we have these attachments to things, people, activities.  They tether us to who we are, were & will eventually be.  These are what we use to assure ourselves we can get back to our "normal" no matter how rocky life gets.  Unfortunately, sooner or later we lose these anchors that keep us moored.  

Some of these bindings we have to cut.  Some we let loose so we can grow into who we will be.  Like taking  training wheels off a bike.  But all too many of them are taken from us.  Sometimes we are what's cut loose from shore.  Ask any kid who's been forced to move away from their home, friends or comfort zone.  Other times, these tethers are torn from us & leave our lives a little less certain with each loss.

Since the beginning of the 2000's I've lost almost every tether I had.  Older friends, roommates, identity, health. etc...  There've been a lot services I used that closed, failed or bailed on me.  Insurance companies, dentists, mechanics & the like.  It's been over a year since I saw the doctor that was my primary care providers for 2 decades.  He just stopped being there & retired.  Not a peep to me.  

The problem with tethers is that they're breakable, often temporary & sometimes unidirectional.   Having that stable doctor meant a lot to me.  I meant squat to him or the dentist I liked.  As you get older, you lose more tethers & they're a lot harder to make.  No one wants to be tied to aging thing.

Whether it's people, places, things we do, these ties define & strengthen us.  Too bad they can eventually wound us in a way that won't heal.  Being social creatures can really suck at times.  But that's life.  The fact everyone else is going through the same thing doesn't help any at all.

Cya...

Summer So Far...

 

I really needed, this Summer to be good.  That hasn't happened.  It started wet & dark, leaving me with SAD.  When the sun did decide to shine, it was ballistic & hot.  

My roomie is still dealing from a loss in late May.  It's the kind there really isn't any means of moving past.  I don't envy her.  She's facing something, I never did due to having zip for a relationship with most of my family.  

Then there's the constant issues with everything around us; house, yard, health, car, etc...  Each piece needing a resolution.  Sometimes there isn't a good option.  

All of this, plus the heat, hurricanes & crappy internet have made this a crap season so far.   There's still more to come.  It could get better or it could crap out for the duration.  

By this time next week, I should be at or done with my screening.  I'm not looking forward to this.  It's an unknown & I never like those.  I don't trust any of it, but it's the best I can do with what I have available.

When you're chronically ill, they never tell you the hardest part won't be the illness.  It's existing, the just trying to live.  They tell you if you do nothing you'll get worse.  They offer treatments to keep you somewhat going.  They should offer a 3rd option.  A pill or something that just lets you call it quits & step off the ride with as much dignity & grace as you can muster.   That would've been nice.

Cya...

Less...

 

The 2020's have not been good for me.  It started with Covid.  That caused a lot of hell & the stores have never been the same.  A lot of things I used to buy are never coming back & the prices have soared.

Bit by bit, things have been taken or lessened.  The quality of a lot of things has gone down.   Out internet company is new but sucks.  There's other medical providers & mechanics.  All the tethers we use to ground ourselves are being cut, few by us.

The last couple of years saw my diversions plummet.  Netflix killed DVD's & most of their streaming shows are pretty awful.  Then there were the 2 Hollywood strikes & nothing's recovered from that.  I'm not sure it will.   The comics I read are losing their appeal due to bad writing & art.  

The yard may have cats, but other than the occasional skunk & pissy mockingbird, that's about it.  We lost several flowering bushes & the flowers didn't do well this year.  There have been some lightning bugs but not like last year.  

Time is running out on the best show of the backyard.  I've seen no hummers, bunnies or dragons.  Some could still show, but it's less likely as Summer passes & it gets hotter.  

My health is not doing any better.  Everything takes more & I accomplish less.  Even fixing a small meal, leaves me feeling a wreck.  Things just keep pecking & demanding.

The 2020's have taken my diversions, distractions, my little joys.  They've been replaced with a crappy circus of conservative BS & religious rhetoric.  Great, another election year & olympics.   More stress & less joy.  I wish every conservative & aggressive religious type would fall over & be done.  Then I might have something to smile about.

Cya...

Odd Beginning...

 

The month is starting on an off note.  It's things hanging over from last month that haven't been handled yet.  Even then, things will be very different for those impacted.  

This won't be forever.  Though for my roomie & hers, it might seem like it.  Loss is a series of blink fast incidents & long, drawn out spanses.  Neither is easily handled.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Maybe That's All For Now...

 

In the past decade I lost a lot.  I lost my dentist & a couple of insurance companies that I actually liked.  My cable service downgraded us & we lost most of our stations.  Sometimes you choose to leave, some loses don't really matter, but some do.  

I liked my dentist & those insurance company loses made me scramble.  During this last year or so, there have been more serious losses.  I had to finally leave the mechanic shop I'd used for years.  Netflix shuttered it's DVDs.  I lost my regular doctor on telemedicine.  Now, my PCP doctor is gone.   

With the exception of the telemedicine doctor, I'd had those others for over 20 years & now they're just abruptly gone.  The mechanic should've happened sooner, but eventually there just wasn't a choice.  Change & loss can be difficult enough when you choose it.  When it's forced on you, it's rough.  I'm annoyed at the mechanic shop.  I'm angry about the doctor situation.  I'm still sort of heart broken over the DVDs.  They got me through a lot.  Now dvd.netflix.com just takes you to sappy "it's over" page.    Now add to that a video site I'd used since the 90s shut down, so long videoeta.com.  

They used to say for every loss, something new would come.  That's not true.  It's rarely happened for me.  If there was something new, I had to find it.   There is a new dentist, medical provider & insurance agent, but none of them are the same or what I wanted.  All time passing seems to mean is loss.  Oh you might gain some negatives or responsibilities, but doubtful, it'll be much of what you really wanted.  Talk about wanting to live for the day.

Cya...