Pointless...

 

If I could rewrite this story, I'd end it on the night I graduated with my doctorate.   That was the last high point I had & even that wasn't great.  I knew I didn't have anything lined up after.  It's been downhill since & that was decades ago.  If I'd died then, there would've been some accomplishment,  acknowledgement.  It wouldn't have devolved into the crapfest of failure it became.  

I'd definitely ended it before I moved here.   That was a horrible decision.   I wouldn't have made it into the 2000's & got diagnosed.  At every point that there's been some sign of possibility the door has always closed; sometimes slowly, others slammed. 

The people of this state slammed another door last night.  They voted to keep the lowest possible minimum wage.  If I could, I'd move, but that's not really an option.  I'm pretty sure I won't be changing locations until I die.   The entire state's a trap.

To every asshat that voted against helping others make a decent living, your malignant selves are destroying the thing you say you love.  Talk about an abusive relationship.

Cya...

Little Green Felt Was Wrong...

 

A notable Yoda quote is, “No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.”  The implied meaning is that saying you'll try is creating a built-in plan for accepting failing as an outcome.  I get what is meant here, but I still call BS.  There are people that go into things with everything intent on "doing" but don't succeed.  They're efforts ended in failure & they will have to decide whether of not to "try" again.    

Like it or not, failure is always an option.  No matter how much plan, how hard you push, how much you want; you can still fail.  That isn't, "do not."  That's a failed attempt.

I find this approach almost as awful as being toxically positive.  There's a near aggressive mindset to this philosophy, that if you fail it's always on you.  You didn't push hard enough, plan well, believe, have faith, cross your fingers or some other nonsense.  Sometimes you fail no matter what.  They say what comes next is the important part.  But sometimes there's just not enough left to push again.

I never liked that muppet.

Cya...

Steps Taken Towards...

 

For a while, my roomie has made commitments to herself to try to make changes in her life.  I won't comment on those these, but I will say they were for her benefit & of her choosing.  These were things she pursued & bit by bit she made progress.  

I'd like to make a few notes here.  She choose to these pursuits & they were to improve her life & well being.  She made choices & adhered to the steps it took to get there.  She put in the effort to make these things happen.

There is something important, acknowledgement.  She will be wrapping up some parts of her journey soon.  There needs to recognition a set goal was met & possibly exceeded.  There needs to be a goodbye to these things.  The steps she took, the place she was, those who aided her & to the self that opted to begin this journey.

All of these things may have just been the beginning, but she took the steps.  She's no longer where she was, nor is she who she will become as this continues.  Acknowledgement, recognition & farewells are important.   Her life may be improving, but she's still leaving an aspect behind.  All of this deserves it's moment.

Make your goals, your plans, take your steps, keep record of your pursuit.  But never forget how & why you're heading down your path.  Take care.

Cya...

November Suck...

 

I didn't expect good things out of this month, but it's decided to be a real ass.  The house & car have needed work.  The time change happened.  It dumped  a massive amount of rain on us.  It's staying dark & getting colder.  We've been ill.  Everything is just picking at things.  Then the nation decided to give a refresher on how much it hates people like me; Gay, HIV+, single, on disability, poor, etc...

Not every night, but often, for as long as I can remember, I wanted the same thing when I went to sleep; to not wake up.  If I had to wake up, to at least not be me in my life.  50+ years later, I'm still here & cursing waking up.  There are no gods.  If there are, they're all sick & hateful things that get off on suffering.  Let me make something clear, life isn't precious or sacred.  It's just something you have to endure as long it lasts.

To all the people who voted to remind us how much you hate everything, just a reminder that everything probably feels the same way about you.   

Cya...

Tiny Mountains...

 

We got the van back.  It's working as well as it ever does.  Then again it's really old.  I figured things would go the way they did.  I also thought that if we didn't do take it into the mechanics, the problem could be really bad.   We opted for playing it safe.

When it comes to me, I'm just out of steam.  The spoons aren't refilling.  Tiny little things exhaust & frustrate me.  I'm tired of the constant challenges.  I at least used to have more diversions.  Now, most of those are gone.   Little, unexpected things, can send me into a bit of a panic, sometimes more than a bit.  I don't know if the me that used to be able to handle things better is ever coming back.  

This is all just very draining.  Maybe life's going better for everyone else.

Take care.

Cya...

Not A Fan Of Weekends...

 

That may sound weird, but I get very apprehensive about weekends.  That's when the crap tends to happen for me.  Specifically late Friday when everything is basically closed.  Then I have to wait to Monday to even start to try to get something done.

The bathroom faucet needs to be replaced.  It was cheap & now it's breaking.  Of course it's on the weekend.  Hopefully it can get us through til we can it fixed.  

I am really trying to be in a better place.  But when stuff like my SSI review & house stuff keeps breaking, it's hard.  I get tired of trying, because the line of crap never ends.  The only way this will end is when I do.  Whoever said all life is sacred, was full of it.  Life is cheap, at best mundane & tedious.   But most often it's awful, maddening, terrifying & exhausting.   It was not worth the ticket price.

Winding...

 

There's less than 10 days left in my birth year & August.  Neither was enjoyable.  I haven't had a good month since August 2022.  Nicer weather & no drama was what it had going for it.  Since then, it's been crap.  

As for years, I can't remember the last good year.  It certainly hasn't been in the 2000's.   I should've have listened to Prince, the party wasn't meant to last.  Life since then has been some trying zombiefest of both breath taking chaos & utter mind numbing tedium. 

I'm not saying pre-2000 life was a cakewalk.  It wasn't, but it was better than this.  I still had hopes, dreams & good entertainment.  None of that has been here for some time.

Another birthday is rolling up to remind me that I should of got off the carousel a long time ago.  People like me weren't meant to be here this long.  I'm way passed my "best use by date."  I have no real plans for my birthday, we'll see.   I hate being reminded there's no fun left anymore.  I already got the memo.

Cya...

Check & Done...

 

The 1st of the month stuff is handled.  Our list is clear until the gas bill.  The other stuff hasn't come due yet.   We've done what can be done for now.  

That's my life now, routine items getting crossed off lists until the next cycle.  If it's not bills, it's medical stuff; doctor appointments, dental, eyes, meds, etc...  When it's not that, it's some crap show because something weird or bad happened & it'll probably cost a lot to get it fixed.  If not cash, then a lot of drama & stress. 

There hasn't been much for me to look forward.  I try to find things but they never come to fruition or just fizzle.  There's movies & comics I'll read look at just to have something to do.  But, they're just diversions & not something I'm really excited about.

It's to the point, if my phone rings it's either a wrong number, spam, medical crap or worse news.   I try to stay in the now.   I can't find things to look forward to & looking back just makes me sad.  I won't tell you that any point in my life was great.  But, there were points when I was less scared & stress.  There were points in my past, that even as bad as things could get, I still had things that I was looking forward to.  I could still really laugh, find bits of joy & sometime even a little hope.  

I think that's all gone.   Like the hummers & bunnies, that's just another memory.  I finally saw a dragon a few days back.  It kept circling me like it wanted to be seen.  It was black with black wings with white bands near the wingtips.   It made me smile for a bit, maybe not every little thing is gone.

Cya...

The Next Phase...

 

The issue my roomie is facing has moved into the next phase.  With most serious things we confront in our lives, there's rarely just the before & after.  It hasn't been that way for her & won't be from here out.

There was the before, the normal, the expected.  Then the music changed, the notes got jumbled, the tempo became erratic & then a crash.  The before, the normal, was over.

The came the uncertainty, desperate hopes & wishes.  Maybe the music would start again.  Maybe the needle just jumped the track.  But that didn't happen.  Eventually the sounds lessened & emotions sank.   Then the final rest & the piece was over.

Things go forward, but a major section of the band is missing.  The melody isn't right & there are gaps where there should be notes & rhythm.   Maybe the cruelest part of this stage is, like or not, the band does play on.

The piece will never be the same.  Even as new sounds are added & melodies are written.  There will always be the memory of what was there before.  This is just another phase in the process.  There will be more.

Maybe the missing piece has simply moved on to join another song somewhere else.  Maybe the missing part will be heard from time to time in other songs & voices.

I know I'm being a bit vague.  But this isn't my story or my process.  I'm in the audience watching the set be struck.  I don't have much more to write, except the beat goes on. 

Cya...

Shopping, Eclipse & Acknowledgement...

We'll head out in a bit to go shopping.  That's the extent of our to-do's today.   Then we'll await the eclipse.  It might be too cloudy to see much.  Maybe it'll peak through.  

Things in your life should be noted & recognized.  But some believe acknowledging anything but the positive in your life is whining, complaining or just for show.  That's not true.  Choosing to recognize only the good things on your journey is deceptive, misleading & possibly harmful.

Many unwanted things happen to us that we didn't incur.  The internet went out, clouds blocked the view,  storms broke something, etc...   Those are things that happened, speaking of them doesn't make you a whiner or attention seeker.  

The toxic positivity folks, the control freaks & the rest against speaking about the negative things in our lives are just as lost as everyone else.  They talk in mantras or proverbs that mean nothing & provide little comfort.  They shield themselves with their pollyanna views & rose colored glasses.  The controllers battle everything with force & anger hoping it will get them through.

Good things should be recognized.  But the not so great things need acknowledgement as well.  Maybe don't dwell there, but remember how they impacted your life.  Move forward as you can.  You are the sum of your existence; good, bad & otherwise.  That's not for anyone else to judge.

Take care.

Not The Same...

Since COVID, we've been slowly trying to rebuild our lives outside of the house.   It's not been easy.  The pandemic lasted forever & COVID is still here.  Past that, we've had our own issues to contend with, but we are trying.  We keep hitting snags in the process.  

Even before the pandemic a lot of places we frequented were either going out or changing to the point we no longer liked them.  A lot of businesses never picked back up after COVID.  We've tried some other places, but so far they're not the greatest fit.  

A serious issue concerns pricing & quality.  We hit a place yesterday for something to bring home.  We used to go there fairly often, it was on the way out.  The last time we tried to go it was closed.  The time before we ordered 2 dinners & left paying just under $18 & that was an uptick on price.  This time, we'd just eaten & this was going to something smaller for midday before dinner.   We got 1 dinner & left.   That single dinner was $13+.  That's a 50% markup on price.   To make matters worse, it wasn't the same quality as before & the portions were about a third smaller.   In the end, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't worth the cost.  So another place off the list, next.

I get inflation hit, but seriously $7+ for a basic Hardees burger is not reasonable.   If restaurants keep upping their prices while downgrading size & quality, they can't be surprised when people walk away.   A lot of us just can't afford those costs.  Especially not when the quality is just so-so.

I guess we'll keep looking for the next thing.  Still, we are trying to get back out there.  It's just not been as smooth as we'd liked.

Take care.

Cya...

No Thinking...

 

I do my best not to think about things too much during the holidays.  If not, I can let myself fall into a consuming nostalgia or find myself acting like lyrics from a Talking Heads' song.   Days will go by on their own without me dwelling on it.   Sometimes, it sneaks up on me & I'm there whether I like it or not.

There's really nothing good about the past, not even the good, fun things.  Why?  Because they're the past.  It can't help you.  It can only serve as a measuring stick to the present or your fears for the future.  

If I could go back, would I?   I don't know, because this was the worst carousel.  It was always the same ups & downs, getting right back to where we'd try to leave in the 1st place.   There are myths of sailors sailing off the edge of the world.  It's a myth, but what if they did.  At least they would've found something new, even if it was just dying.  

Life isn't really for the fearful, that only leads to anxiety & regrets.  Unfortunately, that's what I've been most of my life.   For a brief bit I was a fearless little kid & then my world came crashing down.  From then on, I was different, fearful & anxious.  My biggest regret in this life is simply being.  No one asked me to come to this crapfest, they just drug me into this quagmire.   I may not believe in predestination, but I do understand where you start in the game affects your chances.   For me & many life me, the die was cast into a line of seriously damaged people who had little to offer.  The cards they dealt sucked.  The best we could do was bluff.

So no thinking during the holidays.  It will come to no good.  Dance, sing, make merry, but don't think.  Eat, drink & partake, but don't dwell or remember.  Now is the moment, the rest is either gone or may never be.

Take care, happy holidays, no thinking.

Cya...

Pezzish...

 

This will be a short post.  It rained last night & it's stupidly dark this morning.  It seems every time, we get something handled life decides to send some other bit of trash our way.  I wish someone would load some decent flavors in this pez dispenser that seems to be life.  Most of it sucks & is only replaced by more suck.

Cya...

Comparing...

 

The whole world seems set on comparing woes & privileges.  The reason for the examination of differences doesn't matter.  The end is always the same. He/She/Them/They have it better than me or mine.   This can be about any kind opportunities, resources or hardships.  

I'm not saying some don't have more means in this life, they do.  There are millions of people in this world who have things far worse than me.  However, there are also millions who have it considerably better.   Would I like things to be better?  Absolutely.  But thinking about what others have & focusing on what I don't will only make things worse for me. 

People call for equality, equity & justice.  That sounds great, but it's not the world we live in & won't be anytime soon.  So what about the now?   This isn't a post with answers.  I know that I would like my life to be better.  There some things I probably need to be better.  There are plenty of people around who have it better.  Does focusing on that help me?  No, it doesn't.  It'll bring me down when I'm just trying to stay afloat. 

Again, I don't have any answers.  But I do know constantly comparing yourself or your situation to others won't help.  Envy like hope, is just a thief.  It'll take from you, but never give anything in return.  Maybe, I'm not even in the middle of things.  But, I know I'm not on the bottom of the pile.  

Cya...

Could've Been...

 

There are still cold days ahead, but it's warmer today.  The last 2 winter fronts that went through could've been much worse if they'd hit us directly.  Fortunately, they didn't.

I saw a couple of interesting sounding articles this morning.  I'll never know if they were.  They were both behind paywalls.  That may have been useful information that I could've put in the blog.  I'll never know.

So much of life is setting on the coin's edge.  It could've been this or that depending on the tilt.  Sometimes, more annoyingly the coin keeps standing & never falls.  A decision or action, even if not what you wanted can be handled.  That wavering limbo crap is nerve wracking.  You know it can't last forever.   The shoe is going to drop.  

Too much of my live has been lived this way.  As much as I'd like it not to be.  My life has always been too greatly impacted by the actions of others.  Often those not even near me.  It's a chaos I have no kindness for, but still it's better than the waiting.

My life, this country, the future, all of it could've been better if not for the decisions of some people.   I'm not trying to shirk responsibility, but existentialism is a load of crap.  No one, no entity, has that much control over its life, well being or future.  The best we can do is roll with it & play our cards to our best advantage.  Even if it pisses other people off.

Cya...

I Hate Mornings...

 

I hate mornings, that means I woke up again.  Waking is the major culprit in this matter.  When it happens I'm angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, scared, anxious & so much more.  I feel betrayed that I woke up to here again.  This place has never treated me that well & each year it just gets worse.   When morning comes & I wake up, it's like I'm facing all of that for the 1st time.  I have no idea how to handle any of it & I don't want to even try.  If there were a button to hit to make you go back to sleep forever, I'd hit it every morning.  

At the moment, it seems everything in my life is failing, breaking or incapable of helping.  Both cars have issues, the house is ancient, appliances are decrepit, furniture needs replaced, the cats are the cats, etc...  This was stuff I used to be able to solve, but now every plan falls through.  Then more crap falls, like cable outages, TV's fritzing & power blips while appliances are running.  No single thing is devastating.  It's just all of them snowballing are overwhelming me.

My roomie is making plans to help her situation.  I hope they work.  I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be of any good to anyone.  

I'm waking up more now & my biggest trick can begin.  I'll lie to myself again & make myself believe this will all work out somehow.  I've done it all my life.  It's probably how I"ve hurt myself the most.  But it's the only way I can through day let alone a life.  I'll keep telling myself, things will work out.  I can't do that in the morning.  That me isn't buying my BS song & dance. 

I'll most likely get through today.  Still I'd hit that never wake up button every morning.  This definitely isn't an E-Ticket ride.  Life deserves the worst Yelp review.

Cya...

Living With...

 

I often see articles discussing what it's like to live with HIV.  I generally don't pay much attention to them.  There are so many variables that affect a person's quality of life while living with HIV.  My time with HIV has been very different than other peoples.  Some articles talk about how easy & normal it is to live while HIV+.  Others make life seem utterly hopeless due to outside factors like stigma & difficulty acquiring resources.  Both are true for some people.  I've never seen an articles that talk about how living with HIV is different almost every day.  Some days are good while others are horrible.  

I'm a white male with a notable Native American background in rural Oklahoma.  I have very limited resources.  I was diagnosed very late & reacted badly to some of the early HIV meds.  I had very limited support & my HIV specialist was over 2 hours away.  

My point being is that someone with decent support in an urban area who was diagnosed early in recent times, would have a very different experience than I did.   We'd hardly be comparable at all.   Living with HIV is different for everyone, just like life.

Cya...

Some Light...

 

It was chilly this morning, but at least there was sunlight.  There isn't much going here today.  There was even less happening with articles.  

All the energy that used to be focused on articles about HIV related items has had to be redirected into other areas for a couple of years.  There were issues with tRump, COVID, elections, riots, etc...  Now, there's the crappy actions of Russia.  

People only have so much, their energy isn't infinite.  The resources that used to be focused on HIV articles has been hijacked by life in fairly unprecedented times.  Who knows when things will calm down enough for people to recover,  refocus & begin again?  

Take  care.

Cya...

Next Trash Day...

 

Today is a regular trash day, next week isn't.    Next Wednesday morning I'll have a telemedicine  appointment.  Of course, it's also my birthday.  Kind of fitting it's on trash day.   I can take this dumpster fire of a year to the curb.  

i used to be nicer, that got burned out.  When you hit some of the upper birthdays, you ask yourself things.   Like, was  it worth  it?  The answer for me until the late 90s was, I think it mostly was.  But every year  after that, it's slipped into the no & hell no zone.  

I may have  helped some people & animals.  I may have had some fun & been a good diversion for some people.  But I got far too little out of it.  Who's responsible for where I'm at now?  I am.   But I didn't  set this stage.  Nor was I responsible for all the crap  & obstacles thrown my way by others.   I'm  not saying I'd had a great life.  But my life is just my attempt  to survive  the f'ery of others from the time before I was born.   That's not counting the crap that's been tossed my way by others.  Most of whom I don't even know personally.

Was my life worth it?  NO!  It wasn't & most of that was due to decisions made by adults concerning or affecting  my life since before I even existed.  I'll take blame for what I did, but I won't be held responsible for those bastards.  Even though their BS has mostly destroyed my life.  

My birthday wish isn't for sweet, niceties.  It isn't, I don't want anything this year.  It's for a lot of people to just die as quickly as possible.  I'm sick of their lame excuses for destroying everything; my life, the economy, this country's reputation, the world...  Here's my birthday wish in rhyme.

I wish I may I might,

Have this wish from candle burning bright.

Conservatives,  Anti-vaxxers  & tellers of the Trumpain lie,

Please, oh please just quickly, awfully torturously die!

As above, as  below; by earth, wind & sea,

So Mote It Be!

That's all for now.   I need  some black & red candles.    Take care.

Cya...   

 

Defined...

 

I want to talk about a man & I won't give you his name.  Google him if you feel the need.  12 years ago there was a man now known as the Berlin Patient.  Thought to be the 1st person cured of HIV.  It was via a transplant he received to fight cancer.  This process led to his cure & his life was defined.  Over a decade later another person was cured in the same manner.  Since then a few more have followed.  

This man pushed for the action to be researched.  He wanted others cured.  But he was defined.  Now his cancer has returned & his definition has been amended.   

He is the Gay, former Washingtonian, international student who studied in Germany.  He was HIV+ & developed cancer.  He had treatment that handled his cancer & cured his HIV.  He was dubbed the Berlin Patient.   He was the cured man who pushed for research.  He was the 1st.  His cancer returned & it's terminal.  He is now a resident of a California hospice.  Final points, will be added soon.

To many, that's all this man is or ever will be.   Many of us have been defined by surface details & things beyond our control.  This man is my age.  I've had others react to me over cursory definitions.  Often, those things were wrong.  Often  they were reflections of my situation at the time.  Often, they were a tiny detail of my life made to be significant.  I've interacted with so many people in my life, but so few of them ever bothered to know me.  Even those, I thought of as friends.  Even those who I was related to. 

This man, you, me & everyone else... we are all more the best or worst moments of our lives.  Life happens & things come before us, they may alter us, even change our course.  But, they don't get to be our definition.  Even if you look up the Berlin Patient.  It's not easy to find much more about him than what I've posted.  

He was a real, human person that was so much more than these points.  He's on his journey through life.  So are we.  Be kind.

Cya...

PS - My appointment went well.