Early Post, Not Well...

 

I'm posting early because I'm upset.  I'm trying not to be, but I am.  For the last several years when I've been doing badly, there's always been something else out in front.  I'm not trying to blame anyone or say these things weren't important, but I still felt I needed to step back.  Time moved on & some things with me settled, others didn't.  But, unless it required me going to the hospital or having to retreat, I'm not sure how much my things were even noticed.

Recent years have been worse for this & there have been reasons.  The last bit of time has been hard on me, I've been really frazzled.  This month has me worried; Summer's ending, lights fading, September's coming, a renewal is probably in the mail.  

The last few days I needed not to be in my head.  But things worked out where I was mostly by myself.  My roomie's had some health issues & stress of her own.  I know all of this, but still I just needed not to be for a bit.   Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to just step out in front something big & let it take you away.  

I'm not doing well, but everything else is also happening.  I don't know if I can handle these next couple of months.  There's so much going on & there just doesn't seem to be any room for me.  Maybe there never really was.

I'm sorry if this was too depressing, but I'm out of ways to communicate, even if it is only to this blog.  It's the only thing I have.  I found out a game I play online to distract me is ending.  It's getting cancelled by Facebook.  I've played it for years.  Bit by bit, things that kept me sane & going are going away.  I wonder how long it will be before Blogger goes away & I lose this blog.

Take care.

Cya...

Spent...

 

For a long time now, I've been very tired, borderline sick from something or another.  But things kept coming.  Every time, I thought I could catch up a bit, something new popped up.   I don't think I can do this much longer.

This has been a hard month, especially this week.  Everything has been trying, demanding & needing to be handled.  For the most part, it has been, but there's still more needing done.  There always is.

This last week was harder than I expected.  It had to happen, but that doesn't change how difficult it turned out to be.   I've been exhausted since Wednesday.  We had to head out early for a thing my roomie had.  Every time estimate we were given was wrong.  I was there hours longer than I should've been.  By the time I got home, I was spent.

There's still more to handle & I don't have much I can do.  I'm just too frazzled to manage more.  Maybe in a week or so, if things calm down, I can do more again. But not now.

The chill & pollen aren't helping any.  Take care.

Cya...

2nd Friday The 13th Of 2026...

 

This is the 2nd Jason Day of the year & they're back to back.  It's supposed to be sunny today.  I should be enjoying the sunlight, but I'm not.  It's supposed to get frigid this weekend & I'm too frazzled by things to really let the light relax me.   

I keep hoping things will get off the plate so I can unwind, but they don't.  Even when some do, more crap lines up.   I'm tired of trying to focus on the after this bit, instead of now.   It could be May or later before some of this is out of lives.  By then, other BS will probably present itself.

As an adult,  all I really wanted was for sometime in my life where I could feel some happiness & security.  I'm usually too anxious for that.  I don't think those things will ever happen for me.  I'm pretty sure the rest of my leave is only going to slide down into more of this crapfest.  It'd be nice to be wrong about that.

The sunlight & little blue flowers didn't bring me out of the funk this time around.  I probably won't see any hummers again this year.  Dragons are about all that's left besides lightning bugs.  I really am tired of looking over the horizon.  I'd like to be in the now, but the now sucks.  So much for living for today.

Cya...

Glum...

 

Things aren't going the best for me at the moment.  Between car issues, darkening skies, weird weather & a busy schedule, I'm just frazzled.  I'm trying to hold it together, but I don't think I'm doing that well.

Besides my roomie & cat, there's very little I don't have a certain level of disdain for as things stand.  The car, the season, the weather, life in general...  If there were serious options, I think I could let go of most, if not all of it.

Fall's arriving & I don't have hopes for it.  I just have dread & resentment.  Maybe things will go better than I expect.  That would be a nice surprise.  But, it being nice, makes very unlikely to happen for me.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Trying, But Not...

 

I tried to pull myself together yesterday.  It didn't work.  It doesn't matter what I'm trying, something else has to come along.  There was a weird light & shopping was annoying.  My roomie was having some things go on in the morning.  The weather got weird later on.  It drizzled for a bit, barely enough to register.  There's some old stuff brewing in the background that could be an issue.  I hope not, but it could be.

The light's off this morning.  I slept hard last night & woke up with a jolt for some reason.  I hate that.  I feel like I hit a wall.  The season & my year are ending.  That's never good for me.  I just have this annoying dread that something big's going to break.  I don't want to be here when it happens.  I don't have the strength to do more or fix anything.  I can't even get myself together.  It's always something else.

Cya...

October Issues...

 

It's a dreary, drizzly morning & we have stuff to do.  This is going to  be short  this morning.  I have to get around.  We're still trying to get some services handled.   The bushes need trimmed & now the heater  in the front room needs serviced or replaced.  Either way, things have left us somewhat frazzled. 

More  tomorrow.  Take  care,

Cya...

Nearly Nothing...

 

Things conspired yesterday & left me frazzled & spent.  The Windows 11 update was handled.  Then when regular updates  happened, 1 failed.  This  little beast is being a problem for a lot of people.  Still, I didn't need it just after that big update.

I didn't manage much else yesterday & might not this morning.  This is it for now.  Maybe I'll be in a better place tomorrow.

Take care.

Cya...

Loose Threads...

 

Lately, I've felt like a fraying sweater.  Some well worn thing with little threads hanging loose.  A single, wrong tug would be disastrous. I keep tying things off, but more keep coming loose.

For the past several months, on top of the COVID crap & isolation.  It's been a series of, this needs to be handled, this needs fixing, we need to buy a new this thing, etc...  Maybe that's just life, but I don't have the energy for it.  It's just a continuous crapfest raining down leaving me nervous, anxious & exhausted.  I don't want this life.  I'm tired.

Now, it seems like I'll need a new computer sooner than I'd hoped.  Soon we'll need new phones & a plan to go with them.  There will be more expensives too & things are tight as usual.  Getting a computer isn't just about the $.  It's also the setup, meshing it with the others in the house, just getting used to it.  I didn't need this.

I'm stressed & spent.  My roomie got a gift yesterday & all I could see was another thing coming into the house.  How nice of me, she got a gift & I saw stress.  That was just ever so helpful.

On another not, this article, talks about ViiV's long lasting injection & the process it's making to get to open market.  It's a good update.

Cya..

Worn Out...

I didn't see anything new in the articles today.  I'm glad about that.  I'm not in a place where I could write about them well.  

We went shopping & it was excessively busy.  My roomie's new insurance is handled.  I'm still trying to find out when the plumbers will be here.

This situation has left us both frazzled & spent.  I have things I need to do, but I can't get to them because of the gas/water issue.  I hope this gets underway soon.

Cya...

Ongoing...

Not much of a post today.  My roomie's computer issues are ongoing & we've had to order a new power supply for it.  Best Buy doesn't carry PSU's for slimline computers.  Now, it's a daily thing just to get the computer to run.  It led to another unplanned outing this morning & my schedule is a bit frayed.  The issue will get fixed, but until then this is a bit frustrating.  

I've been wanting to do some yard work for about a week, but it's been very windy & I hate doing yard stuff in the wind.  I already have enough allergy problems.    The yard is on hold.  The housework is staying in gear though.  At least there's that.  All of this computer mess & weather has left me a bit drained.  Hopefully, I'll feel more like getting back on topic tomorrow.

Cya...

Undoing The Frazzle...

This was me yesterday morning.  I sent myself into a tailspin & nearly crashed.  I was already prone sleep issues & nerves before HIV.   Add the stress of the illness & fact many of my my meds can put you on edge, it's amazing I don't stay in frantic mode 24/7.

I let myself start worrying about the future & something I figured out I could do for myself.   The van's dash lights went on the fritz & I figured knowing my luck, there goes the electrical.  Luck, oh yes Virgos believe in luck, freakin' unpredictable bad luck BS.  I found a Q&A on Answers.com that dealt with my exact issue.  Still, I let myself freak out on whether or not I could do it.  All I had to do was undo the battery cables and reconnect them, but some how I convinced myself in the morning, either it wasn't going to work or I'd damage the van worse than it already was.

About 8AM, I got the nerve to try it.   It worked, OM Freakin' G it worked.  I didn't make the van explode, the fabric of the universe didn't rip to shreds & toss us all into a pit of chaos.  I'm did a cautious, yet happy dance...

One must be careful with Happy Dances or else the Universe may decide you've got it too easy & slap you down. So do it, be thankful & love the moment, but realize it's just one of the day's many hurdles.

The problem here is that I let myself spin out of control, again.  I didn't try to the solution right in front of me & no I don't have a good reason why.  The biggest problem for me is just getting myself to focus and at least try.  If it works, whoo hooo.  If not, I tried.  I recently had a similar situation occur with a leaky tub.  For some reason then I trusted myself enough just to try what the Youtube video showed me on how to fix it.  Frazzledom is not about logic.

Frazzledom leads to anxiety, which leads to bad sleep, which leads to bad health.  These are things that everyone needs to realize.  HIV+ peeps really have to take this into mind.  When I'm sleeping well, I do dramatically better than when my zzz's are scattered to the wind.  I think that Lunesta moth/butterfly thing is stealing my zzz's & giving them to other people.  Creepy moth...

Focus is the goal.  To be centered & drive out the crappy thoughts that send us into a downward spiral.  We can do this, either on our own or with help, but it can be done.  If you're +, you'd better figure out how to get your sleep under control quickly.  It is the biggest part of your recovery and staying healthy, physically and emotionally.  If not you could end up like...

Frazzled...

I'm up damn early this morning, the Sun is no where in sight.  My nerves have annihilated my zzz's.  The van is throwing fits again & I have no idea what's wrong with it or how much it's going to cost.  I woke & started thinking about that & all the other $ I was going to need for upcoming expenses in the year & the jitters kicked into action.

I hate this, because if I don't get a handle on it quickly I could go into full out panic mode.  Frankly, my health and sanity can do without that.  But there's a new mower, dental expenses, car tags, car insurance & who knows what else lurking around the corner.

Everybody goes through this kind of thing.  Sometimes I just feel like I'm constantly living on the camel's back that is about to break from all these $ straws.  I try not to let it get in my head but I'm not so good at that.  I'm a Virgo & we Virgos like to have a plan of attack prepared for every situation.  If we don't, we get edgy & I'd measure that edginess with a richter magnitude scale.

So I'm up early waiting to see if I can get the car in to the mechanic or if they'll be open Monday.  It'll be MLK day. Now all I can do is wait & see.  As I said before, I hate waiting.  Hope your day goes better, cause...