June Has Brought...

 

The month of June has brought with it the dreary ending of a dismal Spring.  It's dark again this morning & it rained nearly an inch since last night.  It's supposed to rain all day & into the night.  I hope it's over by then & doesn't cause a lot of flooding.  My roomie has an appointment tomorrow. 

The tiger lillies & crepe myrtle began to bloom this week.  The rose of sharon's started the beginning of the month.   I'm half surprised all this rain didn't drown everything.

The lawn guy came yesterday.  He probably should've been here last week, but it was raining.  The lawn was so high, it took him longer to cut the grass. 

I keep meaning to write about something but it irritated me.  I had to respond to Social Security about my disability for review last August.  I remember I mailed it back on Monday the 19th.  Normally it takes a bit for them to respond & sometimes they don't at all.  I got notification that there was no need for a review at this time last week.  That was nearly 10 months later.  With the orange stain office this will only get worse.

That's all for now.  Take care.

Cya...

Labs Morning....

 

Another short post.  I didn't notice much in the articles this morning.   We handled our credit issues as much as we can.  My SSI renewal went off yesterday.  I have to go in for labs this morning.  That's all for now.  

Take care.

Cya...

Very Dark & wet...

 

I woke to a very dark room.  It stormed all night & kept waking me.  The weather site shows 3"+.  That'd put us nearly 3 times over the rainfall average for August.  It'll probably still get hot today & turn this into a streamy mess.

I got my renewal for SSI disability yesterday.  I really didn't need that on top of everything else.  Still there it was.  It's filled out & will go back on Monday.  Then I wait.

This year hasn't been the worst, but it's still been a suckfest.  I doubt this will be a fun birthday.   Not like there's anything to do.  2000 forward has sucked.

Cya...

Post Appointment...

 

My appointment went as well as expected.  My doctor was running as late as ever.  Nothing much happened, except for my quarterly check-in.  I wish they'd  take  this every 6 months.  Later, I had my labs drawn.   We also handled shopping.  

I thought things were going well, so of course the F'ery had to show itself.  I get a notice of disability review from Social Security.   Like, I wasn't dealing with enough already.  They just had to jump on the stress wagon as well.   I filled out the form & I'll send it back.  That's the extent of what I can do.  Now, I wait.  That sucks.

I have a telemedicine appointment in 2 weeks.   That's all for now.   Take care.

Cya...

Long Week...

I know a lot of people do far more than we do.  A lot of you probably do more in a day than we do in a week.  I get it.  I'm glad you can.  That's the deal with being disabled, you can't.   

I don't have the endurance I had before HIV.  Each round of things like pneumonia, illness, stroke, etc... knocks me down more.  I'm astounded how quickly I get winded some days.  Others I can do more.   Often, I pay for any overdoing it the next day. 

This was a long, busy week for us.  Did we do everything we would've done in the past?  No, but we did what we could.   It was tiring.  Part of it was stressful & annoying.   Still, it's done.

Having less endurance, dealing with fatigue, having to worry about overdoing it, getting ill easily, getting injured...  Those things are part of our lives now.   There's a fair amount of pain, aggravation & fear as well. Everything changes, things get harder, people judge & nothing ever gets better.  That's life for us & this was a long week.

Cya...

No Promises...

I'm not doing much better this morning & I have no idea when I will be.  If this disability review goes well, I'll calm down some, but not entirely.  If it doesn't, I don't know.  I'm angry & scared.  I don't have options.  

Everyday, I see people on the news actively trying to limit my life.  To hell with them.  I'm done being nice with these people.  I wish every horrible thing on them & their lives.  

I'm not in a good place & I don't when I will be again. I know there are a lot of decent people out there,  But, it becomes more apparent everyday there are more assholes than whitehats.    Even if this resolves itself in my favor.  I won't forget those people who would  cause harm to my life.  

I'm sorry, but I just can't be positive today.

Cya...

Fractious...

There basically isn't a post today.  I'm  super anxious & panicky this morning.  I got notice they're reviewing my disability yesterday.   I've already sent everything back in & my roomie keeps telling me this will turn out fine.  I hope so.  I don't have anything else.  If I lose this, it's all gone.  It'll be game over for me.  I've got nothing left.  I hate my life.  I'm so tired of being in a state of panic.

Cya...

Money, Money, Money...

Trump's certainly not funny.  The cheeto in charge plans to slash several programs I utilize.  He wants to cut funds to medicaid, medicare, social security, disability, HIV spending, SNAP benefits & a host of other social service programs.  Many of which are already funded.  

He wants to do this so he can give tax breaks to rich bastards like himself.   This man is too stupid to be evil, but someone is playing this idiot like a fiddle.    He & all his cronies should be hung for their behavior towards to the common citizen.  

None of this has passed yet, but they'll push & they might succeed.  It certainly lets you know where you stand with people.  Then the cheeto has the nerve to lie & say he supports all the people he's ripping off.   They should cut out his tongue & set that creature on top of his head free.  It deserves to return to the wild.  

Hopefully, some people will be reasonable before these cuts get passed.

Cya...

Stress, Blogging & Life...

Lately, I've been having a lot of issues beyond my control, a good example are the issues I keep having with my pharmacy.  This type of arbitrary thing drives me a little batty. I do all I can do to make this process go as smoothly as possible, to no avail.  The entire thing can be screwed up by someone at my doctor's office or the pharmacy.  Still, even if it was their mistake, I'm the person who gets screwed by the mistake.

Being + & on disability puts me at odds with a lot of things.  I'm often left feeling like a bit a flotsam scuttling along on the current with absolutely no control over what's happening.   Yet, I'm supposed to stay calm & carry on as if everything is fine.  I don't handle that last part very well.  I don't just carry on, it freaks me out a little & sometimes a lot.

As a person of less than great health, I know how important it is to control my stress levels.  The doctors tell you this all the time.  You need to reduce your stress.  Funny thing, no one ever says how.  I do my best to keep stressors out of my life but some I just can't get rid of that easily.  I mean these are my meds were talking about here.  The same meds that, oh I don't know, keep me alive.  Yet the people at my doctors office & my pharmacy are messing with things.  So, at this point, I'm not sure how not to get stressed out over this matter.

When these things come up, they become the focus of my day until I can get something resolved.  This certainly doesn't put me in a place to handle other things well, like writing a blog entry.  I have a social services review to fill out on Thursday & then I have to wait for them to decide whatever else they need & then wait to see if everything went alright.  I'm not looking forward to this.

I've been frazzled lately & I haven't been the most attentive to my blog.  Hopefully, these things will pass soon & I can get back to a more normal sate of being.  I really hate outside people screwing with my life.

Cya...

Paying For It...

This article somewhat details the settlement concerning an Ohio hospital that refused access into an alcohol treatment center because the person was +.  The hospital was found to be in violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act.  This sounds great except for the fact it was basically a slap on the wrist.

The hospital was ordered to pay the complainant  $32,000 US & pay $5,000 in civil fines.  I'm sure there were court & attorney costs as well, but still.  For under $50K you can deny treatment to someone because they're +.  Oh yes, they also have to promise to initiate an anti-discrimination policy.

This was a nothing settlement.  This finding will do littlle to convince other medical institutions not to discriminate against those with HIV.  This was petty change for this institution.  It was probably covered by some form of insurance.

Yes, the $32K will be nice for the patient, if they ever actually see it.  Even if they do, after taxes, it'll be considerably less than that.  In the meantime, this person has not been in an alcohol treatment center.  That settlement will be no means cover the damage do to this person or the situation at hand.

Cya...

HIV & The Sixth...

It's May sixth.  This day like most has a lot meaning for someone, somewhere.   There are a lot of religious observances, Military Spouse Day, Police Day & the one I like the best is International No Diet Day.  

This observation is to celebrate body acceptance regardless of size.  It exists as a line in the sand to say that sizism, fatphobia, weight discrimination or any other action or perception against a person based on their size is unacceptable.  I choose this observance for two reasons.

First off, my roomie is heavy.  She used to teach college level English & humanities.  Then the school cut her position to give another one to some good ol', preacher boy's, flaming, PK son a job.  I wasn't that worried at  first, she was well educated & reasonably experienced.  Hah, I should've known better.  Job after job was denied, interviews went well & then no where, then there was no one even willing to see her.  She sat for hours at a time in the park depressed over her situation.  Some interviewers even told her, that her size was the only reason they wouldn't hire her.  This led to her having no choice but to go on disability while struggled to get her life back together.  My roomie was being denied the ability to support herself just because she was overweight.  The misperceptions about heavy people are nearly limitless.  

The second reason for chosing this day concerns HIV.  This day deals with a lot of things people with HIV deal with all time if their status is known or in question.  There are those people who seem to think that they can contract it just by being in proximity of + person.  While there are others that seem to think they or their type are immune to the virus.  If it wasn't so serious, I'd laugh at the ignorance I hear concerning HIV.

HIV + people & people with weight issues are targets.  We are the targets of capitalistic companies looking to sell various snake-oils to make us "better."  People who have combined their ignorance, intolerance & ideological hellishness often target both groups. There are so many people who feel it is their right to lob whatever they like at the heavy or HIV +.  No matter what the excuse, those doing the lobbing are the monsters.

Some next time you find out someone is + or you see someone who is heavy, stop, check your preconceived notions at the proverbial door & then go forward with an open mind.  If this is someone you just met, then remember that you do not know this person.  You do not know what has gone on in their life. Before you judge them & begin with your epithets, remember there is probably more than enough about you for them to turn around & hurl some nastiness right back at you.

On this day, I wish you all an open mind...

Hogs & Whores

I went to hell today, you know the one called Walmart.  I'm not a fan of this on a good day & today was not a good day.  It was the first of the month & many people just got their $.  Add to that, the plethora of people in wheelchairs & scooters  & my shopping experience was hellish.

I am disabled, so I try to be patient with others who are also disabled.  That is not always as easy as it should be.  It seems that many of these people that come to Walmart are on/in motorized scooters or wheelchairs.  That alone is not a problem.   The problem is that many of these people have absolutely no sense of etiquette. They are aisle hogs or aisle whores take you choice.

aisle whore

sunday shopper at the grocery store that stays in the middle of the aisle so you cant pass and walks extra slow just to piss you off, no matter what day it is.

These people seem to take great joy in causing your shopping experience to be as unpleasant as possible.  They plop there wheeled contraption right in the middle of the aisle where no one can get by them & then proceed as slow as possible.  You may be nice & ask to be excused or to get by, but it usually does no good.  These super market grinches are there to be rude.

People, it doesn't matter if you're walking down an aisle at the market or the hall at school, you walk like you drive.  In my area, we drive on the right, so you walk on the right hand side at the market.  Regardless of which side of the road your part of the world drives on, you don't drive down the middle of the road.  I'm sure there are some out there that do, but they're just being rude & shouldn't be allowed to drive or operate a motorized scooter in a super market.

If you are in a wheelchair or do use a motorized scooter, please stick to one side or the other so that everyone else can get by you.  If not one of these days, someone, quite possibly me, is going to really lose it on you.  So have a good day & everyone please be courteous when you drive, wheelchair or scoot.

Past Worker

I had a visit from my last social worker today. She is no longer working for Human Services.  Good for her, maybe not so much for me.  I'd known this worker for a while, in fact I had worked with her in another office before going on disability.   Was she the best social worker in the world?  Probably not, but we all make mistakes & things always seemed to work out in the end. 

However, she had been at the job for over eleven years & the toll was mounting.  She had been considered a good employee for most of her time at the office, but recently they hired a new supervisor.   Apparently this woman has some serious issues with just about everyone.  Word had it, that the new supervisor is a WEE bit on the overly motivated side.   Ambitions, she has them.

After the arrival of the new supervisor my worker slid down the proverbial totem pole quickly.  Apparently this new supervisor had some plans that my worker just didn't fit into at all.  From sabotage to aggression the atmosphere in the office was toxic.  So my worker left.

That means I'm on to a new one.  I hate this.  You never know what you'll get.  I hate games like roulette & that is exactly what I'm playing now.  Hopefully, I'll get a worker that is at least competent, sane & not belligerent. That may not sound like that high of standards, but I've had ones that were mean, rude & outright drunk.

My old worker is on the job prowl now & I wish her well.  I hope that if any of you out there have to deal with similar people in your lives that they are competent & kind.

So Called Friends

People face a lot of crap when they find out that they are +, or for that matter, have any other serious or potentially terminal illness.  There are all the straight forward things like the illness itself, the process of being treated & of course the $ issues.  There's the frustration of the situation.  Trying to figure out what's going on.  Is this real?  Am I going to die?  How will I possibly get through this?

Then all the other issues start to hit.  Can I keep working?  If not, what will I do?  Can I get on disability? How long will that take?  What will my friends & family think?  Will they be there to help me, if I need it?

These are scary questions.  You may lose your job & there goes your insurance.  You may not qualify for disability & as I've mentioned before that process is nightmarish & humiliating.  You may've helped those close to you through all kinds of hell, but once the crap is in your corner, a lot of people forget all about how you helped them out in the past. 

You may find yourself alone, without any notable resources & unsure how you're going to get through today, let alone tomorrow.  But the fact is there are still worse things to deal with to come.  On of them is what I'd like to talk about today, the "Alleged Friend" or the Divulger. 

A lot of my friends are no longer in my life.  My family hadn't been in life for years before I was diagnosed as +.   Most of my friends were from college & had gone their own ways.  I moved to a mostly unfamiliar area to help out a friend whose mother had just passed away.  He wasn't handling being alone well. I moved in & got a job did what I could.

A couple of years later my health declined & I lost my job. I had been tested for HIV & never turned out +.  I hadn't had sex with any one since before my last two tests.  I thought I was clean.  Turns out that I finally spent over eight hours in an ER & they ran another test & I was +.  Apparently some people take longer to show as + then others.

I was seriously ill & definitely thought it might just be better to die, than to continue on feeling like I did.  I could barely walk, stay awake, eat & I never felt warm.  Everything in my life was a challenge.  It took over a year to get onto any meds & by that time I was far worse off.  Add to that, the only clinic that would see me wanted 50$ every time I came through the door.  Luckily my now roomie,  had the $ to help me out.  She was the one who took me to all my appointments & paid for the things I needed.  My Then roommate, who I'd moved down to help out, couldn't be bother to do anything.

What my Then roommate could do, was to run his damn big mouth.  Some how, everyone I talked to already knew I was +.  They told me how fortunate I was to have my Then roommate as my friend.  My Then roommate had told everyone, everything about my health situation & had painted himself out to be a freaking saint.  He tried to hork glory, notoriety & sympathy off of my being ill.  This whole situation had become entirely about him.  What an ass.  Unfortunately, at that time I was fairly trapped in the situation & he knew it.

This lasted until he found a boyfriend, who was allegedly bothered by my + status & my Then roommate hit the road.  What I really think happened was, that he had horked all the attention off of my illness that he could & moved on to the next thing in his life. Good riddance.

The point is that there are people in your life who are going to try & make the bad things in your life, theirs or at least mostly about them.  Get rid of these people.  They are one of the worse things that can happen to you.  They will only help you if it gets them something in return.  They can only bring you down & make the situation worse.  Kick these people to the curb.  Your illness, your bad thing is just that, yours, not anyone else's. Don't let these people try to monopolize your misfortune.  They are vultures & as soon as they've gotten all they can out of the situation, they will move on to the next one.

If you are +, terminal or just in a bad place you don't need any one bringing you further down just to build themselves up.  Here's hoping you have real friends & genuine support in your life.

Limbo

I've been a little frantic lately while I tried to get things from Social Security to turn into Human services.  I was even getting to be a bit apologetic about it, but my roomie pointed out that I shouldn't have been making apologies for anything.  For any of you not in my situation, you really can't understand the stress of the renewal process.

Every year I have to renew my applications for state disability, medicaid & food stamps (SNAP) & at any time any one of these applications could screw up & leave me in a really bad place.  My medical bills & medications are huge, the state disability just barely covers my dental insurance & the $ from SNAP means I eat.

This isn't like in college, where if my financial aid application screwed up, I could survive long enough to get it fixed.   There is no surviving a screw up of this magnitude for me.  I don't have the $1,500+ a month for medical & medication.  I don't have an extra  $45+ to cover the dental. I certainly don't have the extra $150 to cover food.  This $ is my entire means of sustenance & survival.  So, yes I get nervous when it could get screwed with for any reason.

As for all those people who think that these programs should be cut, or even eliminated, I sincerely hope that you never find yourself in a place to need them.  The process of getting declared disabled was hellish & it determined whether or not I could qualify for all the state programs.  I worked for years, but most of the work I did was through the universities I attended.  They never paid in on the social security & I didn't qualified for enough credits to get on Medicare.  I was working real jobs on these campuses, not just work study.  

If there is a way for the government to screw you over & make things harder, it will find the way.  Nothing with the government is ever easy or pleasant.  The workers act as if you are trying to steal their personal $.  They make food stamp applicants feel like worthless crap & heaven help you if you have to apply for Medicaid.   You can just forget medical assistance from the state unless you've been declared disabled, then they only do it grudgingly.  

I am now back to that time of year when social workers get to have their jollies at my expense.  I realize that a lot of people try to scam the system, but I shouldn't have to pay for their issues.  These social workers should be forced to rotate to new jobs every couple of years to avoid some of their burn out & crappy attitude.

Monday, I'll turn all the paper work in & wait & hope.  If all goes well, I'll see a social worker within a month & maybe, just maybe, she'll be in a good mood & all will go well.

Hope you guys have a good day.

Aware & Thankful...

A blog I read touched on a subject that struck a nerve with me & makes me realize somethings for which I am thankful.  The blog is The Ravings of  Blackhaired Barbie.   This particle entry was responding to an article on Kotaku about mean-geek reactions & slurs slung at female gamers.  If you have to ask what mean-geeks are they are like mean-girls but geeky & male.  These pathetic little boys couldn't handle female players, especially not when the girl kicked their asses.  The geeks resorted to slurs consisting mainly of fat, ugly or slutty.  These comments have become some common place among these boys there is a FUS blog.  It isn't a blog to cry poor me those boys won't let me play their geek-deer games.  It's a blog mainly about the stupidity of gamer boys.

I'm aware it can be a total pain to be female in this society.   I'm not saying it's easy being male either, but it's the hell I know.  I don't have to worry about getting pregnant, having a period or getting menopause.  I don't have to worry about lower pay rates or glass ceilings.  Most men will never knew the feeling of being treated purely like property or as a piece a meat/ass, like any woman will.  I realize there are some things this society will tolerate from women that they won't from males.  I think that is total BS as well.  Simpy stated, I am thankful I am not female.

Last Thursday, CSI aired an episode about deaf people.  The culprit in the story was a total loser who thought that deaf & wheelchair bound people had everything in society given to them so he tried to con them.   I nearly spat out my drink when the character said that, the audacity & stupidity of such a statement.  Still, some people do feel that way.  I guess they never consider the trade-off or not being able to hear or being trapped in a chair forever.  Hearing & mobility, without those in this society, at least for me, would be unimaginably hard, almost herculean.  To lose my music or not be able to go into any store I wanted because it didn't meet the needs of my particular disability would be awful & frustrating.  Only an idiot would be jealous of someone else just because the other person had a disability.

I am on SSI.  I am considered disabled.  I am +.  However, I know things could be so much worse.  I am thankful for not being female, not being deaf & most importantly I am thankful I never had any children.  I'm sure some people would gasp at that statement.   But, what could I do to help them, to take care of them if I did have children?

I am aware that I am thankful for these things.   But, I can't sympathize with them, I'm not even sure I can entirely empathize with these people.  I am none of these things mention above & nothing in my life leaves feeling confident enough to say I know what they're going through & how it feels.  What I can do, is to acknowledge these peoples' struggles, not add to them, be helpful where I can & be very thankful that their lives are not my own.