Mid March...

 

It's mid-March & I thought I'd be feeling better by now, but I'm not.  Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get a few minutes when I just wake up & things feel fine.   Then it all sets in on me again & that's gone.  I was hoping with the warmer temps, brighter days & being nearly Spring, I'd be past this.  But again, I'm not. 

There's a lot up in the air right now.  Things that have to be handled.  Things coming up.  So many things needing other things.  I don't have the means, resources or ability to handle this anymore.  Maybe, I never did & was just better at fooling myself.  

Everyday that I wake up is like something telling me it isn't done screwing with me yet.  It's pretty obvious, there won't be a reprieve, there is no help coming, & things will just keep cascading.  I just wish it'd be done already.

Cya...

As Ready As I'm Going To Get...

 

We had the 1st serious colder night.  It didn't quite get below freezing, but still.  The freezing temps are supposed to happen later in the week.  The full, seasonal load of blankets went on the bed & it was the 1st night with the heater.  

Even with the heater on low, it takes some getting used to.  The heaters & blankets are necessary, but they're hell on me.  They mess with eyes, skin & breathing.  I overslept, after sleeping weird.  I was dehydrated to the point of low blood pressure & a nose bleed.  Hello Winter, I hate you.

The holiday is almost here.  I'm already over it & wish they were just done already.  They'll mean nothing for me except annoyance & missed mail.  Maybe, I feel better about them next year.  

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Not Good...

 

I didn't have a good day yesterday.   A lot of things just didn't go well.  Most of them weren't big, but they piled up.  I'm just done.  I can't fix anything, anymore.  But, that's who it'll fall to, me.  Because no one else is going to do it or much of anything else for me.  It's gotten passed the point of me just not wanting to.  It's really to, I just can't.  

This year has sucked & my birthday is this Sunday.  All I really want for it, is not to be here.  I don't think I can handle another year of this.  I'm just too broken & I may very well be missing pieces by now.  Other than my roomie & some cats, I don't have anything.  I'm trying to let those be enough.  But, there's nothing I want anymore except to get off this ride.  I'm tired, achy & usually scared.  This shouldn't be life.  I'm glad my parents are dead.  I hate them for condemning me to this life.

I should be in a better.  My labs did well.  It'll be cooling soon.  My birthday is near.  But, I just want to sleep & not wake up.   Abortion should be legal & highly recommended. 

Cya...

Trying...

 

We've had a few decent days & hope it holds.  Our indoor cat, Millie, tried to crash that this morning.  She's been running out a lot in the last month.  I'm to the point, I don't care why & over chasing her.  It's like she may well be an outdoor cat again soon.  If she does that, there will be no special runs to the vet for her.  If I knew someone that needed a barn cat, I'd take her there.  I can't & won't chase her anymore.  When she did this morning.  I yelled for a couple of times & then shut the door.  I looked back a bit later & she ran in.   I'm over this with her.   She's nearly 7 & should be over most this BS.  If she goes out, she won't last long.  She doesn't know the area & that will be that.

That's all for now.   Cat or not, I'll try to have a decent day even if it is grey outside.

Cya...

More Dark Suck...

 

It seems 2023 is set on sucking.  I'm sure some people have had some good points this year, but the most I can say is some days didn't just utterly suck.  It's closing in on June & you could probably count the days of full, sunny brightness so far on a single hand.   There have been days that started bright only to crap out later in the day.  

We probably won't get any really sunny days until it's so blazing hot we won't be able to enjoy them.  2023 if your aim was to suck, you're succeeding.  There really aren't good years anymore, not even good months.  It seems a few pathetic minutes or maybe an hour is the best you get.  

I've got every light on in my room & it's still damned dark.  I hate this.  The best I can hope for is that some damn perky people drown while looking up at the clouds.  My good moods are just about as rare as sunny days.

Cya...

Anxious...

 

SAD is usually a Fall/Winter thing, but this year it's  been a late Spring issue.  I've had more anxiety &  nervousness this month than all Winter.  The weather's off, there's little sunlight, little things keep going sideways, the TV's glitchy, etc...

I'm over Spring.  It's been rough on me.  Ostara dropped the ball this time around.   We need sunlight, dead bugs & everything else to calm itself down for awhile.

I'm too scattered for more than this, maybe tomorrow.  Take care.

Cya...

Not Great...

 

I'm not having a great morning.  I generally don't anymore.   Ever since I began recovering from being out of the hospital at the beginning of the year I've been dealing with other people's BS.  Some of it's mine, but mostly others.  People have been stressed, fraxious & difficult.  I'm done with it.  I can't even have a moment to tend to my own needs without being exposed to other peoples'.  

My computer is still a mess & will have to be replaced.  I hate that process.  The tool I ordered for the yard is still lost in limbo & no one's certain about it.  I wish they'd just give up & refund it.  The yard help "may" be happening.  The weather is weird.  The light's not great.  I need to get labs drawn.

Add to this, the lingering election crap.  I'm done.  I can't care about any more of it.  I haven't been able to come down since March.   Between COVID & this election, people have used up my last bits of strength.   I can't handle any more of anyone else's BS.  Not when no one's really helping with mine.  COVID is here & the election will be what it is.  Done.

Cya...

Needs To Give...

Something has to give soon.  Between the heat, humidity & ragweed, I'm sick & not just of it.  I spent yesterday with minor flu like symptoms & felt slightly feverish.  I pretty much lost my voice.  I was exhausted.  I went to bed earlier & feel slightly better.  I have no idea if it'll last & I need to go shopping.  I'm sick of Fall already.  Is there even a real Autumn anymore? It goes from hot with allergies, to wet with allergies, to cold with allergies.  Where are nice Fall days in the 70s?

Take care.  Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

Cya...

Tick Tick Tick...

Tomorrow is the last day of 2017.  My roomie is doing a list of her favorite things from the year.   She suggested I consider it.  I've been trying to, but I haven't succeeded.  2017 has been a really rough year on me.  It's mostly been about bad things or endings.   There were some TV shows I liked.  I thought FX's Feud turned  out well.   I like Christopher Kimball's, Milk Street.   But, nothing's really had me glued to my seat waiting for the next airing.

It probably has more to do with my headspace than these shows & things.   When I think of this year, I mostly remember being exhausted, anxious & stressed.  I can usually find things out my window to make me smile.  It didn't work as well this year.  I did enjoy the rabbits traipsing through our yard.   There were less Hummers & Dragons.  Less flowers & butterflies.  At least there were some lightning bugs.

I've never been the most here & now person, but I was a lot more detached last year.  Feels like I'm fading.  For now I'm here, but it seems like I'm just jumping from distraction to distraction.  It's like being in a video game where if you stand still too long, the floor will drop out from under you.  

I have nothing for 2018.  I don't really have any plans or hopes.  I went into the last several years with those & It only left me disappointed.  Do what you're going to do 2018.  It's not like I can really change any of it anyway.

To hell with 2017.

Cya...

A Whole Day...

I'm amazed, yesterday was the 1st day of the month that wasn't craptastic.  It was actually a nice day.  Today is looking to be the same.  I'm almost a afraid to write anything else for fear of jinxing it. 

We went shopping & other than being busy, it wasn't too bad.  It was a little tiring.   But, we're home now & I'm set for the day.

For those not chronically ill, it can be difficult to appreciate what the stress of such days  can do to a person.  The power outage & internet outage, just made my life incredibly more difficult & overwhelming.  Stress for me is exhausting.  I'm still getting past  the 1st few days of this month.   But, hopefully, today will be good & this will be behind us.

I've got things to do, so this will be it for now.

Cya...

Not Much Thursday...

It's pretty quiet here today.  My roomie  is out for the day.  I'll probably just hang out & watch a movie.  I'm pretty much passed  any holiday tolerance I may of had.  This season has been weird & I'm ready for it to move on.    Bring back the normalcy of no holidays, I want my TV & radio back.

Cya...

Plan-ish or Pipe-ish...

Its not a good morning.  It hasn't been in a long time.  I'm not really seeing a change in that any time soon.  A lot of times, changes come when you make them.  I'm not sure how to do that anymore.

I'm stuck in a state of despising where I'm at.  I can't stand this town or this house.  My roomie tells me all the upsides to this house.   I really don't care.  I know I could be a lot worse off, I do.   But, I'm the person trying to deal with the shittiness of this place everyday when I'm just trying to cook or clean.  The only way to fix this hole is with a bulldozer.

My roomie is trying to alter her perspective on things in her life.  Good for her, maybe it'll even work. But she doesn't interact with things here as much as I do.  I'm tired of this mess.  I'm tired of going to bed frustrated & waking up to it all over again.  

I'm tired of fighting with this place.  I'm tired of dealing with the older cats' issues.  I hate being in a place where I only know 1 person to any serious degree of depth or comfort.  I've tried in this town, it hasn't worked in this many years, it probably never will.

This house was supposed to be temporary.  We moved in 2009, we were only supposed to be here 5 years.  I doubt she even remembers telling me that.  She has a tendency to tell me things like that, then letting them slip her mind.   Last year was 5 years, but that was a really bad year.  This is year 6 & there's no real sign of ever getting out of here.

I let myself believe there was a plan, because having a plan makes it easier for me.    Its time for me to face the face the facts.  There wasn't a plan, there was only a pipe dream.  It seems even that is changing for my roomie.

Something new came into the picture & now her perspective on the situation is altered.  Not in a way benefiting my interests.  Its time to face up to things. I'm most likely never getting out of this hell hole town. Even if I do, it'll probably be a downward move into something worse.

Its times like these that makes it really difficult to justify continuing to take my meds.  I mostly hate my current life.  I'm not sure how to change it anymore. With any luck, I won't live to be that old.

I realize, this sounds like depression.  Maybe it is, but its also reality.  I've nearly posted this type of an entry a dozen times before.   I've talked myself out of it.  But this is part of being +.  You get stranded in situations, you might not be able to get out of, sort of like getting stuck in tar.

This is it.  I have no plans. I don't even have pipe dreams anymore.  This is the place I will most likely die.   Its on days like these, I really wish I'd never gotten tested.  That I'd just let things go their course.  It would've been easier, than pretending I'm holding it together & I've got a plan,  Instead, I'm here living like a reject, Armistead Maupin character stuck on the Island of Misfit Toys.

This just sucks & there seems to be little positive I can do about it.  I'm not even sure if I want to. Sorry for the downer trip.

Cya...