Pause Before...

 

It's a bit of a pause before the bills phase of the month starts.  We'll need to do more tomorrow, due to the 4th being this weekend.  Banks & things are supposed to be open Friday & Monday, but with this area, you never know for sure.  

This used to be a favorite holiday for me.  There was fireworks & often float trips, but for years I've drifted further & further from those days.  I feel little connection to any of the holidays these days.   Maybe, I'm just not on the list anymore. 

I hope it brings some joy to those revelling.  For me it's just another day with extra noise & smoke.  Maybe that's how it gets for a lot of people.  You're either on the bus drinking the Kool Aid or you aren't. 

Take care.

Cya...

Anniversaries & New Years For My Blog & HIV...

 

I started this blog 13 years ago.  I'm surprised it & I are still going.  I guess I could've started earlier, but I wasn't in the headspace for it.  For a while I was still living with my last roommate.  His inconsideration wound up causing a lot of stress & issues.  When I did start living with my roomie, it took us a while to get things down.  Not that we didn't get along, but it was all new.  Patterns had to be developed so everything went as smoothly as possible.  When I look back at the beginning of this blog in some ways I was worse off medically & emotionally, but still a bit more hopeful about the future.   

On January 3, 2000 I was diagnosed with AIDS.  I've said before I probably had been + for some time, but the tests didn't catch it.  They said I might have 5 years.  I tested at such a level & was in such bad shape, I left HIV+ in the dust & went straight to AIDS.  Here it is 24 years later.   I won't say it's been easy, because it hasn't.  There are times when I wish the 5 years had been accurate.  Life with HIV on disability is stressful & can be pretty damned scary.  I guess I should feel gratitude, but I really don't.  This has not been a fun ride & nearly every step has had it's hard points.

I'm here & the blog's still going.  They're 13 & 24.  My blog is officially a teenager & my HIV can almost get decent insurance.  I don't know what this year will hold for myself, this blog or anything else.  I guess we'll see.  For now, thanks for reading my thoughts, reactions, highs & lows.  It's the closest thing to a record of me.  Even if only a couple of people ever look at it, at least someone will know it & I are/were here.

Happy Blog & HIV day to me.  Remember to acknowledge your milestones.  Take care.

Cya..

No Thinking...

 

I do my best not to think about things too much during the holidays.  If not, I can let myself fall into a consuming nostalgia or find myself acting like lyrics from a Talking Heads' song.   Days will go by on their own without me dwelling on it.   Sometimes, it sneaks up on me & I'm there whether I like it or not.

There's really nothing good about the past, not even the good, fun things.  Why?  Because they're the past.  It can't help you.  It can only serve as a measuring stick to the present or your fears for the future.  

If I could go back, would I?   I don't know, because this was the worst carousel.  It was always the same ups & downs, getting right back to where we'd try to leave in the 1st place.   There are myths of sailors sailing off the edge of the world.  It's a myth, but what if they did.  At least they would've found something new, even if it was just dying.  

Life isn't really for the fearful, that only leads to anxiety & regrets.  Unfortunately, that's what I've been most of my life.   For a brief bit I was a fearless little kid & then my world came crashing down.  From then on, I was different, fearful & anxious.  My biggest regret in this life is simply being.  No one asked me to come to this crapfest, they just drug me into this quagmire.   I may not believe in predestination, but I do understand where you start in the game affects your chances.   For me & many life me, the die was cast into a line of seriously damaged people who had little to offer.  The cards they dealt sucked.  The best we could do was bluff.

So no thinking during the holidays.  It will come to no good.  Dance, sing, make merry, but don't think.  Eat, drink & partake, but don't dwell or remember.  Now is the moment, the rest is either gone or may never be.

Take care, happy holidays, no thinking.

Cya...

Madonna...

 

I've not always been the biggest Madonna fan.  I was never really a hater, but I could walk on by & be fine with it.  This piece is how the singer made a splash recently.  During the a performance of her latest tour, she held a memorial for those who died of AIDS, including people very close to her.  It's a good read.  For those too young, it was hard to be anywhere during the 80s & 90s & not lose people too AIDS.  We still do today, but back then it seemed like the wave of dying would never stop. 

Made it through another day without a crapfest.  Maybe we can make it a 3rd, that'd be novel.  I'm trying hard to stay in a decent place. Brighter mornings make it easier.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Happy Holiday...

 

It's here & almost over.  This time of the year never lives up to the hype we've built for it.  Each year there seems to be less of the holiday season.  I only heard Christmas music in the stores a few times & mainly the last time I went shopping.  For better or worse, this season has changed in many ways & it's never going to be what many of us remember again.  I want to say that's sad, but maybe for some people it isn't. 

There only 6 days left in the year.  I normally try to have hopes for the new year, but I just don't see anything making that even remotely possible this time.  I just hope it doesn't get any worse.  2022 was just a rough year on this house.  We need a serious respite. 

That's all for now, may your day be bright & joyous. 

Cya..

Honeysuckle & Highways...

If you had a childhood like mine, it's hard to have solid ground to stand on & find peace.   Life was always in flux, full of stress, anger & motion.   Some of the few times any of my family seemed less agitated was on the road.   Sailing down the road with the windows down, radio playing & the scent of Summer flowers in the night air.    

I remember the wind whipping across my arm hanging out the window.  I can hear Janis Ian, Seals & Croft, Joni Mitchell, Carol King, Carly...  Strumming guitars & hollow drums, wood flutes & I'm back sailing down a black river.  If the driver was in a funny mood, they might make the car jump over a hilltop.  I loved that feeling as a kid. Sometimes, if I try really hard, I can actually remember them smiling, singing & laughing.  That was so rare.  

They hated stopping.  Even though they knew eventually they'd have to.  It's like they knew the moment they stopped life would catch up with them.  The honeysuckle, sandalwood & jasmine would fade away.  The cool air would grow heavy with heat & humidity.  Life would be all too real again.  The smiles & laughter would melt away & the hard lines would reappear.  

My happier thoughts are cruising down the road to wherever in the middle of the night listening to music on the radio.  If you're lucky flowers would be in bloom.   You can car dance, sing, drum, drive, anything you want, at least until the car comes to a stop.

My advice.  Never stop.  Keep driving.  Sometimes I really wish my feet had never touched the ground.  Bad things happen when you linger too long.    There's nothing where you are that you can't find down the road.  At least nothing that's really going to last.   Like the Grass Roots said, "Live for today..."

Cya...

Memorables Dying...

The weather is doing me in.  It was warm yesterday & might hit 80 today, then drop back down to seasonal norms.   The up/down & allergies have left me in a funk.   Maybe, it'll pick a direction soon.

The point of today's post has to do with places we once cherished being shut down, torn down or simply made unavailable.  There were a ton of places that helped me keep my sanity as a kid that are no longer there or aren't what they used to be like record stores, 80's malls, skating rinks, local amusement parks, etc...  These places helped me get through my younger years mostly intact. 

The news is out, Toy "R" Us is closing.   This was never a big place for me.  I wasn't a Toys-R-Us kid.   I was more the Kay-Bee kind.  That store was in the mall & the other was mostly stand alone in my area.   Still, a lot of people have really fond memories of the place & soon it will be gone.

Watching places from your childhood fade is hurtful.  It's not as bad  when you're young.  Something new generally distracts you soon enough.  But when you're an adult & you drive by your old haunt & see an abandoned building or just a parking lot, it's like part of you was torn down as well.  You may never have gone back there again in your life, but now, it's not even an option.  

I've seen a lot of things I loved get lost to time.   Be kind to those who lose their memorable places & things.  You have no idea what they meant.  It may very well have been what kept them alive.

So long Toy "R" Us,  thanks for all the happy moments you brought.

Cya...

A Wet Friday In May...

We had a bit of  severe weather last night.  It didn't impact us too much, but it has the power blipping.  This will be early & short.    We're  expecting more of the same this afternoon.  I'm not sure how bad it'll get, but at least I"ll have my post up.   Such as it is.

Tinkerbell, the sole survivor, is being a bit odd.  She's not eating much.  I can't tell if it's the weather getting warmer or if she's reacting to Rowan's passing.  The storms haven't helped much.  I'm sure she spent most of the night under my bed.  She hates thunder.

Life goes on.  At times, that can really suck.  It makes things fade.  I grew up moving a lot, I was in a different school almost every semester for quite a while.  We'd occasionally move back to where we started for a bit, but everyone knew we'd be on our way again soon.  It made life very transitory.  Things fade out of my life very quickly.  I guess it was a coping mechanism.  There's a lot of people I don't even remember from where we lived.  On some things, I can be very out of sight, out of mind.  Sometimes, I hate that.

For now the sky is clear.  I'll enjoy it while I can.  I need to go out for a it later.

Cya...

Tethers Cut...

When we're growing up, we unconsciously tether ourselves to people, places, events, things, etc...  I grew up all over the place due to my parents' issues.  I tied myself to very few people & I'm still not good at that.   I bound myself down in hopes of not drifting away.  I do so with my pets, a few friends, mostly to places that provided solace & escape.

I had my music & movies, but mostly I had the mall, a theater, a skating rink, a swimming pool & an assortment of eateries.  In my late teens I had to leave these places, but it was alright, I knew they were still there.  The pizzarias, hamburger joints, ice cream shops  would all still be there for other kids.  The older teen handout clubs would let them hear new music as they tried not to fade away.  

But, 1 by 1, most of those places have closed, some of the buildings aren't even there anymore.  No more skating rink or drive-in.  The beautiful old theater shuttered.  The fruit stand I bought stuff at as a kids disappeared right along with downtown.  

Little by little we come unfettered.  Things you may not have thought about in years.  Then 1 day, you see they're gone &  bit of you sails off into yesteryear & you're a little less bright.  I guess 1 day we'll be sepia or in grey tones.

Even if you've kept mooring yourself to new places & people, you'll never really forget your 1st ice cream cone, time at the movies, plummeting down the roller coaster.   I'll never buy tickets to the Coleman Theater again,  I won't go to the Tastee-Freez  for another dip cone,  Hell, even Bell's Amusement Park is gone.  All of these are just memories. now.  

My roomie hit this recently with the announcement of Hastings closing down.  It was part of her younger life & now the doors are closing.  No more looking for comics, music or game books.   No more burning hours there.

I guess we just have to try to keep building new ties & moors.  Sometimes, that seems awfully hard to do.   I wish you well with your tethering.  At least, the pool where I swam as a kid is still there.

Cya...

Candy Cigarettes...

When I was little these things were every where, right along side bubblegum cigars.   They had a distinctive scent of a confection sugar stick doused with peppermint.  It was fairly strong & today I got a scent reminder.

My hands have been in bad shape all Winter long.  Nothing has worked.  I've gone through  a ton of lotion & accomplished nothing.  My roomie's Sister-In-Law told of her of some stuff she used.   It sounded familiar,  I had seen it as a kid.

It's called Bag Balm & was originally meant for use on cows' udders to soften them & keep them from cracking.  Some people list a ton of things they use it for.  I just hope it handles my hands.  It smells just like candy cigarettes.  

Cya...

Further Marginalized...

I've talked about how marginalization affects health before.   The point is the further a person is from the mainstream culture the more apt they are to be marginalized, isolated & suffer the consequences of the situation.   With HIV, it's how far you are from being a straight, white male, who's usually Christian.  With every step you take away from that "norm", you become more & more at risk for dangerous behavior, unsafe sex, lesser education, lesser opportunities.  Basically your chances for anything good or beneficial go down & the chances of bad things or detrimental events goes up.

I, like every person no longer in their 20's, has complained about having less in common with other people today.  Everyday I hear about people I grew up watching on TV or listening to on the radio have died.  There are very few of the places I went as a kid still standing as they were.  Skating rinks  & drive-in theaters are all but a memory in most places.  The grand movie halls are gone, replaced by cheap multiplexes, that charge a day's earnings to see a movie.  The diners & dives have been replaced by chain restaurant crap factories.   All the cars look like boxes & the music is made on & sometimes by a computer.  I could go on.

I've tried to make peace with most of this.  Even though each 1 of them made me feel like I'd lost part of myself.  Each time I felt a little less present.  But this week something happened that just absolutely sucks.  CW ran the last ever Saturday morning cartoons.  This article & many like on the web say what I mean.  Cartoon Network is an abject failure.  There will be no more kids up before dawn, anxiously awaiting the new cartoon lineup.  Instead they will find, pseudo-news, sports crap, edutainment hell & useless animal shows.  All of which can be found on dozens of other channels any other time of any other day.  

Another bit of my childhood is gone.   Like cruising down the drag or being a mallrat.  Bit by bit, they're destroying the childhood landscape of Boomers & Gen X'ers.  My cable company recently killed off Viacom channels, so most the local kids only have Cartoon Network's crapola.  If they don't have cable, they don't have anything.

Thank you so damned much American corporate TV asshats.  Kill another piece of my life.   Make me feel even less involved with everything than I already did.   1 day, you'll find yourselves in this boat as well.  When it happens, I hope people remind you of what you did before.  

Goodbye Saturday Morning Cartoons, you will be missed & remembered.

Cya...

Pages Lost...

My book is getting thinner.   Life keeps ripping chapters out of it.  I have the memories, but  Memorex just isn't the same.  Every so often I hear on the news or read on the net of some person I grew up watching on TV or listening to on the radio has passed & left this world a little dimmer.  I know that's the way of life, but it really sucks.

I occasionally google places I use to live & use the map feature to play voyeur.  I really should stop.  Most of the time, the nostalgia I endure isn't for things still standing, but things long gone or faded past the point of recognition.   The fantastic theatre I went to as a kid no longer plays films, it's just a sporadically used playhouse.  My burger joints, skating rink & even the creek I played in as a child are long gone.  It's like they erased a part of my life.

Why so weird today?  Today was the birthday of person that used to be close to me during my early college years.   We went our seperate ways during our grad school & never really came back together.  I google & facebook people I used to know as well as places.  

Some, I've never found.  Maybe they've changed their names or don't want to be on the net.   Other s are living their new lives wherever they are now.    My motivation for the searches was curiosity not hopes of reunification.  Those boats have long since sailed.  These people & I share memories & there's really nothing more awkward then trying to talk to someone you used to know, when both of you have moved on with your lives.  Reminiscing get's old fast.   

The friend I spoke of earlier, she was born on September 28, 1966.  She was someone, I reconnected with a couple times over the phone during the late 90's & early 2000's.  But, it was obvious, the  calls were just uncomfortable & bordering on unpleasant.  We were strangers with no reason to talk any more.  So, the calls stopped,  I recently found out, she passed.  It was back in 2004.  Almost a decade before I found out.  She lived less than an hour away & I didn't her anything.  I'm not sure what I felt about that, it was just a hollow weirdness.

Since, my 20's, I've known a lot of people who have passed that were in my crowd of people.  Some from HIV, others not.  I guess I should say it brought about a lot of sadness to my life, but not really. It was just strange, like someone altered a picture on the wall & made part of it fade away.   As I get older, some things are harder to feel, like the intense feelings you have as a teen or 20 something.  Maybe that's a good thing.

I losing chapters, places & people in my life.  I know I can't replace them.  I'm not even sure at this point if I can write new 1's.   Maybe...  I'll leave you with a videos of how I feel this day.  You probably know the song.  Listen to the lyrics. 

Cya...

PS:   Happy Birthday Donella, I'm sure you would've rocked your late 40's...

i met a boy

come dancing

Thanksgiving...

Today is Thanksgiving (US).  This day has a lot of different meanings for various people.  It can be a day when:  

• There's a good food  
• Friends & family gather
• We acknowledge those in our lives
• We take stock of what we have & not what we lack
• We watch sports & parades
• We go on long after dinner walks
• We plan for the upcoming holidays
• We put up seasonal decorations
• We think of Thanksgivings past
• We pass on traditions
• We make new traditions

This is a day of remembrance & acknowledgement.  Most of all, it's a time to be grateful for what we do have in our lives.  No matter which of these things is why you celebrate the holiday (or none at all), I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving.  

Cya...

A Little Cooler...

The weather has cooled down a bit from yesterday.  It's stills sticky but not as hot.  A cooler Summer would be nice.  Even if it does mean more mowing.  It seems we've hit another lull in articles for now.  With that, I think I'll just be happy with the weather.

The sound of fans has returned.  It hasn't reached it's terrible roar yet, but I know that's coming.  I'm thankful for the air they move about, but that noise can be very draining.  When I was little this was my favorite season.  That was before Hell Summers & taking meds that reacted to heat. 

Still I like it better than Spring.  Spring's usually just a bit too wet & dreary for me.  I mostly prefer Fall these days.  It reminds me more of what Summer was like when I was a kid.  I think most of my better childhood memories were during summertime.  Mostly they were just being in a car with the wind blowing through the windows with the radio blaring as we sailed down the road.  Simple, I know, but it was pleasant.

Cya...

Bittersweet...

I got a card in the mail today.  It came to the house addressed to me.  That's odd in itself.  Most of my mail goes to the box we rent.  I rarely if ever get cards & if I do its from places of business like the bank,  the dentist or eBay.  I just assumed it was a new tactic of someone wanting me to borrow $ from 1 of the zillion little loan shark companies in my area.

I was wrong, it was from the Vet.  It was a condolence card showing their sympathy for the passing of Alice.  I hit a couple of things right off.  1st, I was thankful to be remembered in this way.  I was also a bit put off because I really didn't want to deal with this matter today.  Here it was again, front & center.  Then it hit me.

Not only is the only way the people who work in their office can show their sympathy, they probably have to do it all the time.   While I know what happened with Alice being put down was for the best, the idea of doing that everyday, possibly several times a day would be more than I could handle.  

I can be fairly heartless when it comes to most people, but animals are different.  Animals don't ask for the messes people get them into.  Animals don't understand why some people are vicious, cruel or abandon them.   All most animals want from you is to be left alone.  For the domesticated types, they need us, because we made them dependent on us.  If I was wealthy & had the space, I'd probably have more animals than you could count, just so they could have a home.  Some people call their pets their kids, they're not.  Children can grow up & learn to take care of themselves, animals can't.  

I feel little out of sorts with myself for being upset about the card.  I do appreciate the sentiment towards me,  However, even more so, I appreciate the fact that someone else remembered Alice as well.  I hope whoever has her in the next life understands what a treasure they've been allowed to have for a while.  There's a quote I can't seem to find from a cartoon, that says,  "Life is a gift we can't keep forever."  I know this may seem a bit silly but here's the closing clip from that episode.  I guess it's fitting considering Alice was a cat & she had left this place for her next adventure.  I only hope she got enough from her time with us to be strong in whatever follows.

Cya...

Things Change, But Not Memories...

This article is a must read.  It isn't "medical", but it's relevant.  It's about an older sister trying to adjust to the fact her younger brother is +.   He's 12 years younger than her & has an entirely different view of HIV.  No matter how optimistic he is, she still sees those friends she lost before.

HIV has been here for sometime.  For a teen of the 1980's, it was a scare-fest.  I watched people drop like flies on a cold day.  I watch others blaze out in rock-n-roll fashion with as much booze, coke & X as they could down.    I saw others try to be the "good" patient , only to fade out slower & more miserably. 

For all you younger ones, HIV may no longer be a death sentence, but in some our minds it's still a late  night, horror show, more frightful than any zombie flick.  I'm happy for you that will never see the nastiness that HIV brought to some.  It'll be wonderful when there's no longer such a thing as HIV.  It may not kill you like it used to, but it's still deadly.

I hope you read this article.  I think she gets it down better than I have.  Then again, I am the one who's +.

Cya...

Think Fast...

Even though they can save lives, some HIV meds can also negatively affect a person's cognitive ability as they age.   This article talks about how cognitive therapy can aid in this condition.   Much of the therapy is based on speed of process.  How fast can your assimilate data, judge it & react to it.   It sounds sort of like taking your SAT's or GRE's.  

This therapy was show to improve the condition & it also provided a non-pharmaceutical based approach to handling the issue.  This is something, I'm sure we'll be hearing more about in the future.  If this can work for people with HIV, maybe it can be helpful for others.

Cya...

HIV & Depression...

These articles, 1 & 2, both talk about HIV & depression.  The number of people with HIV who also suffer from depression is staggering.  I always associated it with the constant reminder of having a chronic illness, but apparently it's more than that.

For + people not on a anti-retroviral regimen, HIV dementia is a serious threat, for those people receiving meds it's fairly rare.  What is more common are issues with memory, emotions & motor functions.  While these are not as sever as the dementia, they can still be problematic.  Researchers think they've discovered a missing or deficient molecule that is responsible.  They are now studying how to reproduce that compound so it can introduced into HIV meds.

This sounds like a serious start.  I'll keep watching to see how this one goes.

Cya...

Party's Over...

It's the 5th & the celebration & fireworks are mostly a done deal.  For some people that's sad, for others its a relief.  The animals in my neighborhood are bound to thankful it's over.  The property owners are probably a little less worried about grass fires.  Then again, there are those people who have other reasons not to be fond of this holiday or others.

Some people get cranky when others don't live up to their idea of proper festiveness.  In my opinion, that's their problem.  I'm not really a fan of the Winter holiday season, but I do my best to get through it without too much bitching.

It's not the days themselves I have a problem with. It's not the religious connotations or ideology behind the days.  No, I don't mind buying presents.  I'm actually a great gift shopper.  For me these days have more negatives than positives associated with them.  They aren't times of great memories, they're times of being anxious & nervous, just waiting to see what type of hell was going to show its head.

So yes, I'm happy the 4th is over with. For me it's a matter of noise & concern for fires.  For others there might be memories being stirred up, they'd rather leave forgotten.  Memories can take you to bad places very quickly.  These moments can be very hard on a person.  When someone tells you they'd don't like holidays, unless they want to talk about it, just let it be.

Let it be... 3 simple words, most of us can't even really fathom.

Cya...

Candy!!!...

I can handle today's blog challenge,.  What's you favorite Candy?  That's a no-brainer for me, Fudge.  I love fudge.  I may be partial to other candies; orange slices, candy bars, cherry sour balls, peanut-butter cups, etc... but nothing comes close to my fondness for fudge.

Now, let me clarify this, I do not mean that goopy stuff you pour over ice-cream.  Nor, do I mean that squishy gunk you can by at the store, even most candy stores.  Good fudge comes from one place, home.  Not my home though, I sorta suck at making fudge, even the easy recipes. 

I associate fudge with my childhood.   Every Christmas my grandmother would make boxes of chocolate fudge & give them out with our presents.  I would hurt anyone who got near my precious, little allotment of this cocoa heaven.  It only came once a year & the box was always empty way too soon.  

My sister would make chocolate fudge, but it wasn't as good as my grandmother's.   However, she more than compensated by making killer peanut butter & maple fudge.  I think she liked those better than the chocolate anyway.  

As much as I like fudge, just because of its own heavenly nature, there will always be the nostalgia of it for me.  It may not seem like candy has much to do with a HIV blog & maybe it doesn't.  However, the good memories, that take me some place else, even if just for a moment, do help me through life.  I don't have a lot of good memories of my childhood, the ones I do have are important to me & they can help me through the rough patches of life.  Weird that candy can be that deep.

Well there's my favorite, what's yours?

Cya