Early Post, Not Well...

 

I'm posting early because I'm upset.  I'm trying not to be, but I am.  For the last several years when I've been doing badly, there's always been something else out in front.  I'm not trying to blame anyone or say these things weren't important, but I still felt I needed to step back.  Time moved on & some things with me settled, others didn't.  But, unless it required me going to the hospital or having to retreat, I'm not sure how much my things were even noticed.

Recent years have been worse for this & there have been reasons.  The last bit of time has been hard on me, I've been really frazzled.  This month has me worried; Summer's ending, lights fading, September's coming, a renewal is probably in the mail.  

The last few days I needed not to be in my head.  But things worked out where I was mostly by myself.  My roomie's had some health issues & stress of her own.  I know all of this, but still I just needed not to be for a bit.   Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to just step out in front something big & let it take you away.  

I'm not doing well, but everything else is also happening.  I don't know if I can handle these next couple of months.  There's so much going on & there just doesn't seem to be any room for me.  Maybe there never really was.

I'm sorry if this was too depressing, but I'm out of ways to communicate, even if it is only to this blog.  It's the only thing I have.  I found out a game I play online to distract me is ending.  It's getting cancelled by Facebook.  I've played it for years.  Bit by bit, things that kept me sane & going are going away.  I wonder how long it will be before Blogger goes away & I lose this blog.

Take care.

Cya...

Just Before...

 

The weather is supposed to get bad soon.  From this evening to Tuesday could be under freezing.  Thats mean faucets will be running & the stoves will be on.  This won't be fun.   We could anywhere from scant to blizzard.  I'd like nothing, but I doubt that will happen.  This time of year brings little good for me.  

We'll do what we can.  The house will be as ready as it can be.  Shopping will get handled today & possibly not on Monday.  It'll depend on how bad things get.  It may be Tuesday before I can hit the stores again.  

Oh well, here we go.  I'll get showered & then we'll go shop.  Take care.

Cya...

It Begins Today...

 

Since everyone's holiday plans are so busy & scattered, there'll be a late lunch stand-in today.  After that, it's the holiday rush.  There'll be holiday stuff, appointments, errands, bills & car things to be handled.  There's so much & possibilities of screw ups, I probably won't be anywhere near calm for a while. 

That's a problem for people in chronically bad situations, even good things can be stressful.   Just it's presence is so out of routine, it comes with risks & stress.  Will this actually work or am I just getting myself psyched up?  What if this doesn't work or worse it screws up?  Until this stretch is behind us, I'm going to be somewhat off.   Even then, I probably won't trust it.

I've got to get around.  At least the fan got installed.  There's light in the living room.  Here's hoping it doesn't screw up.  That's it for now.  

Take care.

Cya...

Bad Morning...

 

I had a bad wake up this morning.  It was dark & humid.  I did jolt awake & then just sat there sort of vibrating trying to figure out everything.  SAD is still playing out for me & the stress of the month has taken its toll.  

I was anxious about everything;  the house, the car, my roomie, the mailbox, the cats, etc...  The problem is not all of is without cause.   When this happens, I can't get myself to let go & just breathe for a moment.  

I haven't had that many of these wakeups this year, but any is too much.  They're exhausting & consuming.   Too bad, the rest of the month & the beginning of April look to be some dark BS. 

My blood pressure's a little low this morning & I'm dehydrated.  I'll start feeling better in a bit.  Even so, this sucks & everything I'm worrying about could be a problem.  I don't know & I'm all out of energy & tricks.

Mornings suck, especially when they're dark.

Cya...

UUGGHH!!! WTF Day...

 

Yesterday started off well, it was even bright out.  We had a lot planned for us.  There were bills to be paid locally & via mail.  It was a big shopping day.  There was a trip to the bank.  A stop buy the mail place & getting lunch.  Meds had to ordered.  All of this should've been handled by 12:30 - 1:00.  That didn't happen.  We still had to eat lunch & wait for a plumber to show by 3:00.

When I called around 9:30 to check on my meds, the pharmacy had some disturbing news.  They wouldn't be able to fill the order for my HIV meds.  There was too big a discrepancy between the cost of the med & what my insurance was paying out.  This just started, probably with new year.  There are a lot pharmacies around here, but most have the same provider.  That left Walmart.  I called & the long, ordeal of waiting for an answer began.  I didn't know until nearly noon if this would be a fix.  

Walmart did fill it & had it on hand.   I'm not sure what I would've had to do if they couldn't have.  I'd been playing phone tag with my specialist in Tulsa.  My regular pharmacy may eventually be able to get this fixed for me, but until then I'm at Walmart for my Dovato.  This isn't what I wanted, but it will work.  

The bank, bills & mail got handled.  Shopping was done & meds picked up.  The plumber did show & fix the issue.  Everything got sorted, but the stress of it wrecked the day & wiped me out.  I'm still a bit frazzled.    Albeit, we finished everything on our list, it wasn't a good day.  There was way too much crap.

Today needs to be a major nothing day before we head into this upcoming cold front BS.  It's supposed to last about a week.  I hate cold, dark, Winter.

Take care.

Cya...

Still Trying...

 

I'm still here & it feels like everything is trying it's best to push me over the edge.   A ton of little things, the weather, people's conditions, things needing handled, impending  storms that threaten our services, etc...  All of it eats at my resources.  What little I have.  Those people who say they enjoy getting older, must be leading very different lives than me.  My life was never easy, but every year, hell month, seems a lot harder.  It takes more to do less in almost every regard, from I can personally do to the cost of things.  Getting older was such a stupid idea.  

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

It Is A Big Thing...

 

This is going to be a short post.  This blog is about my life & living with HIV in rural Oklahoma.  I don't always post directly about HIV, it is about my life.  It is about what I experience as an HIV+ person.

For a while I've seen people posting they aren't worried about HIV.  There are meds, so it's not a big deal.  It may longer be a death sentence for most people.  It's still a big deal.  There are HIV+ people & those who aren't.  This is forever.  There are no time outs, vacations or opting outs. 

I'm not telling to be fearful.  I'm telling you to be cautious on these matters.  Better to pause & miss a fling.  Than to rush into it carry baggage for the rest of your life.  HIV is scary, expensive, exhausting, isolating...  The worse part of it is it will never go away.  

HIV is the reason for this blog.  HIV is a big deal.  Be careful with your life.  Take care.

Cya...

Somewhat Restful...

 

Nothing happened this weekend.  Nothing else was dumped on our plates.  No balls of chaos crossed our stars during the last 48 hours.  That was great & we needed it.  Still, we're sick, exhausted & anxious.  Too much has happened in the less than 2 weeks.  At 1st it was just me & adjacent things, then it started hitting my roomie as well.  

The weekend without any crapfest was awesome, but we're still recovering.   We're gun shy about going out & doing anything, especially about getting mail.   That's not a worry today, there won't be any mail due to the holiday.

There was no call for any of what happened in our lives since late September.  We did nothing to incur it, still it happened.  Constant streams of things like this  crap is why people drink, do drugs, lose their minds, jump off bridges...

So Life, if you could, just kindly F'off for a while & let us be.  Share your "blessings" with others.  That's for now, take care.

Cya...

Hello August...

 

August is opening hot.   Maybe the big heat will over this week.  I'd like to be hopeful, but I'm not.  This is nearing the end of the season & that worries me.  My SAD has been bad this year & you could probably put all the sunny, bright mornings of 2023 is a few weeks & those were scattered.  Even now, it's hazy.  It won't be bright until the heat burns off the haze & by then it'll be too hot to enjoy it.  2023 has been a suck pit. 

This is also the last month of my birth year.  In a month I'll be a year older.  This has not been a good year.  Then again, I haven't really had a good year in some time.   I could settle for not outright sucking if I can't get good. 

A lot of times, I feel like I was dumped on the Isle of Misfit Toys.  I think I've been there since some time in the mid 80s.  It's probably the last time I really believed things could/would get better.  

So August, I really hope you can be a decent month.  This was the only decent month of 2022.  Can we try for a repeat?

Cya...

1st August Thursday...

 

It's the 1st Thursday of the month.  We've started the bill stuff.  The trash went out.  Amazingly, we  actually got mowed.  He didn't get to July.  The 1st part of the month was in between cuttings.  Then it was either blazing, stormy or soaked.   The grass was so high, it'd gone to seed.   It needed mowed, but it's getting revenge on us.  The air is filled with yard yuck.

We have chances for weather issues today & that's probably setting some people on edge.  2 weeks ago, we had the microburst & big power outage.  Last week, there wasn't anything, but we still lost power  for 3 hours.  This doesn't need to be a regular  Thursday thing.  We can't handle or afford it.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Articles & August...

It's weird, normally I can't find a single article.  Today there's a flood.  So here they are.

This article discusses the surge of HIV in Massachusetts due to opioids, mainly fentanyl.   Interesting & depressing read.

This article is about Gilead & it's attempts to make us believe they only made PrEP to prevent HIV & not for it's market value.  Yeah sure.  Run all the commercials about condoms you want.  It's years too late & way too little.  Gilead is a cash sucking parasite that just happens to make decent medications.

These articles, A, B, C, are about why some talented doctors are leaving the field of HIV treatment.  It's scary, depressing & understandable.  The last article also pushes why the field can be rewarding for doctors new to their careers.  Good luck with that sell.

It's August & I'm getting anxious.  My roomie will be gone on Thursday & it's not going to be easy on either of us.  She has to get up early & leave.  I will be alone from 10 the previous night until 5 the next day.   That may not seem  like a lot to some people. Some day's it's nothing for me.  Other days, it's difficult.   Especially those days when it's dreary.  I really wish I could leave before Falls arrives.  I'd like to leave looking forward to something, then wait around until when I haven't wanted anything in forever.  This is exhausting.  I'm tired of echos.

Cya...

Everything Seems So Much More...

I've had another bad night.  I woke up a quarter til 5 & there was no sign of sleep after that.  I've gotten up in hopes of tiring myself out for at least an hour more of rest.  I don't know if it will work. 

I hate nights like this.  My mind starts reeling on everything & it won't stop.  Stuff I might be able to handle during the day when I'm awake.  But not now.  

This seems to be happening more lately.  I can't shake the feeling I'm gong backwards with things.   There doesn't seem to be any sign of improvement in my situation & I doubt there will be.  Normally, I can make myself by into the tomorrow will be better thing, but not at night.

I just keep thinking about everything.  Its really nothing big, but it all starts to feel that way.  Maybe it is big stuff & I've just conned myself into believing it isn't.  

All I know, is its happening & I can't make my mind stop.   I'm beyond tired & frustrated.  I'm spent & things seem to be demanding more of me.  The trip to Tulsa is looming & it is already tiring me.  It hasn't even happened yet.

I'm not happy with much in my life at the moment.  I'm trying to figure out if I'm just having moments of depression or times when I can buy the crap I'm selling myself.  I don't want to speak  too conclusively when I'm this tired.  But if this is all my life has left in it, I'm not sure how much more of it I want.

I'm tired, frustrated & very insecure with things.  My strength seems to keep going to things I can't control & not to me. I'm just spent.  Hopefully, I'm feel better tomorrow.  I hate mornings.

Cya...


PS:  I tried to go back to sleep it didn't work.  I'm back up.  I hate this.  I look around at a room I've been in for over 6 years now.  It was supposed to be a temporary place, 5 years.  But here we still are.  I doubt I'll ever leave in a good way.  Every time  things start looking up, something quickly happens to stop it.  Sometimes, I really wish I knew how to how to just stop.

Autumn Issues...

Autumn is virtually here, my body has accepted this for about a week now.  I'm not a fan of the onset of shorter days, actually I hate it.   I like it being light until almost 9 & having the sun risen when I get up.  I disdain getting up when it's still dark out.    Such as the time known as Autumn.  At least until the time change & we get our hour back, but that's not until early November.  

These changes have impact on me.  Besides the allergies I've talked about often, I get get anxious this time of year.  It's not about anything in particular.  I generally assume it's going to concern finances, but usually it's just some cloud of tension & worry over me.   It's something I face as the sun sets earlier & earlier.  

Past this, as this season progresses, my blood pressure worsens.  It notably rises from the lower Summer numbers.  I sleep odd this time of year.  It's a combination of too deeply & not enough.  I have a very hard time getting out of bed once Fall gets under way.  I have an even harder time getting fully awake.  

All these things, the mood, the allergies, the blood pressure, the sleep are all things people go through with the changes in seasons.  Some doctors downplay this matter, but IMO, they're wrong.  The change of seasons impacts everything in the world, why wouldn't it cause changes in our bodies as well?  The best advice I can give you on this is simply to be aware that its happening & try to adjust accordingly.

What's this got to do with HIV?  Everything, that's what.  HIV impacts your overall health & your overall health in turn impacts your HIV.   Talk about a vicious circle.   Being aware of & treating your HIV helps your total health.  Taking care of your other health concerns, improves your HIV treatment.   Its as direct as that.

Cya...

Trying, Sometimes It's The Hardest Thing To Do

I dabble with a lot of things; fixing faucets, taking out overgrown shrubs & concocting my own recipes.  I do most of this out of necessity.  I don't have the $ to pay someone else to do it.  I'm never fond of the process to begin with, there's all that uncertainty.  Can I do this?  How much worse will I make the situation? Eventually, I usually concede & at least try.  It's not always pretty, but I did put forth an effort.

Most of what I dabble with, other people know how to do.  Usually their parents taught them how.  I did not have the luxury of parents willing to teach me anything, with he exception of drinking. I have had to go through almost everything most people take for granted & try to do it by trial & error.  There are more often errors than successes, but eventually I get to something that works for me.  Then one day someone walks up & does it the right way &  I have V8 moment & face-palm myself.  The way they did it made so much sense, it was so much easier, but I never knew how to do it, until that moment.

Past that, I've had to learn to adjust somethings to my life.  Like realizing I don't have to do all the dishes, laundry or other cleaning at once.  It's OK, if I can only mow a bit of the yard at a time.   It will still get done.  I don't have to do any of my household chores on anyone else's schedule other than my own.  I can take all day Sunday and cook tons of stuff up in case I don't feel up to cooking later in the week.  I can clean one part of the kitchen a day and keep it fairly clean.  This is my house & my life & I will learn to do it my way and accept it as being OK.

I do dabble with recipes.  Dabbling with recipes is a process of evolution.  It takes time.  I've told a few people online about my recipes, but not until today did I post them.  Today I posted four of my recipes on Allrecipes.com.  I'll have to wait to see if they accept them for general viewing.  If they do I'll post the links.  Until now I never did it, I didn't want the recipes to be rejected.  Finally I accepted the worse thing they could  do was to say "No" & that there were other sites to submit to if they did reject my submissions.  Most of all I had to realize they would be rejecting my recipes, not me.

Go ahead try, try something.  So what if you fail.  You just might enjoy it and learn something along the way.

Frazzled...

I'm up damn early this morning, the Sun is no where in sight.  My nerves have annihilated my zzz's.  The van is throwing fits again & I have no idea what's wrong with it or how much it's going to cost.  I woke & started thinking about that & all the other $ I was going to need for upcoming expenses in the year & the jitters kicked into action.

I hate this, because if I don't get a handle on it quickly I could go into full out panic mode.  Frankly, my health and sanity can do without that.  But there's a new mower, dental expenses, car tags, car insurance & who knows what else lurking around the corner.

Everybody goes through this kind of thing.  Sometimes I just feel like I'm constantly living on the camel's back that is about to break from all these $ straws.  I try not to let it get in my head but I'm not so good at that.  I'm a Virgo & we Virgos like to have a plan of attack prepared for every situation.  If we don't, we get edgy & I'd measure that edginess with a richter magnitude scale.

So I'm up early waiting to see if I can get the car in to the mechanic or if they'll be open Monday.  It'll be MLK day. Now all I can do is wait & see.  As I said before, I hate waiting.  Hope your day goes better, cause...