Cooling Off & Ndjuda...

 

Next week things could start getting cooler.  Some mornings could get chilly.  I'm just hoping we don't crash into frigid weather like we did the heat this Summer.  

The only articles I found were focused on funding cuts again.  That orange ass & his people are determined to make HIV a plague again.  I hope they all get it & it's resistant.  For the hell they've caused, let it come back their way.

I wanted to try something, Ndjuda.  It's a spreadable salami.  I thought it sounded interesting & my roomie likes salami, actually better than I do.   1st issue, it's made with 30+% calabrian peppers.  They're considerably warmer than a jalapeno.  My roomie isn't the biggest on hot foods.  2nd issue, Italian salami is fairly different than American.  It's fermented & has what they called a lactic funk or sourness.   I could handle he heat, but the sour was beyond me.  I was smelling that stuff hours after it had been put away.  It was very pungent.   We haven't figured out what we're going to do with it yet.  Oh well, another food experiment gone awry.  I should've done better research.

That's it for this morning.  Take care.

Cya...

Hello August 2026....

 

I know it probably won't happen, but I really need a good month.  It's going to be hot.  Both my roomie & I have appointments, so it's going to be busy.   But, I've been dreading this month.  I've had so much apprehension about it.  I hope I'm wrong.

This is the last month of my birth year & it wasn't a good trip around the sun.  This is the last bit of my 50s & they've mostly sucked.  September will get here & turn the wheel.  Somehow it's never to a better page or something not out to bring me harm.  

People who think life is wonderful & worth living make  me wonder.  What is so different about them, that they got a life that let them feel that way about it & I got this mess.  Was it a roll of the dice, perspective, did I do something wrong...?  

So August please don't suck.  I've had enough trials.  I've used most of what I have just to get this far.  I'm tapped & exhausted.  If it can't be decent, just let it end.  I don't have any fight left.

Hello August, please be a good month.

Cya..

Little Green Felt Was Wrong...

 

A notable Yoda quote is, “No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.”  The implied meaning is that saying you'll try is creating a built-in plan for accepting failing as an outcome.  I get what is meant here, but I still call BS.  There are people that go into things with everything intent on "doing" but don't succeed.  They're efforts ended in failure & they will have to decide whether of not to "try" again.    

Like it or not, failure is always an option.  No matter how much plan, how hard you push, how much you want; you can still fail.  That isn't, "do not."  That's a failed attempt.

I find this approach almost as awful as being toxically positive.  There's a near aggressive mindset to this philosophy, that if you fail it's always on you.  You didn't push hard enough, plan well, believe, have faith, cross your fingers or some other nonsense.  Sometimes you fail no matter what.  They say what comes next is the important part.  But sometimes there's just not enough left to push again.

I never liked that muppet.

Cya...

It's Trying...

 

2026 is turning out to be a bad year for me.  2025 was hard & it crashed into this year.  The expenses kept coming.  It's stayed dark & dreary.  Very little is moving along like it should.  Everything is just trying.

It's June & it's still dark.  Things that should've been settled months, perhaps years ago, are still ongoing.  New crap keeps popping up.  I can only juggle so much.

The 1st week of June has been rough.  I've been in panicky, anxious & mad.  It's looking like another dark Summer.  I've spent a couple of days so wound up, I thought was going to be sick.  I never was, but the queasiness & nerves just wouldn't settle down.  

I've been diagnosed with HIV, had pneumonia, COVID, a stroke, etc...  But so far this year has feels like it belongs in the top 3 of my worst years of the 2000s.  What's bad is, I know it could get worse.  I'm just trying to get through this & I'm not doing that very well.

Take care.

Cya...

Trying Morning...

 

This last while has been trying.  We're trying to get a lot of things handled.  We're trying to get info on  other things, so that they can be handled.  We're trying to juggle appointments with other appointments & issues.   It's just a lot of trying.

I've been trying to hold it together & not let SAD overwhelm me.  I've tried to tune out the damn wind. I've been trying to get sleep & not succeeding.  I've been trying not to get mired in the hopeless mess of it all.  I'm trying, but I'm not doing very well at any of it.

It's bright out this morning, but the temps dropped & the faucets had to drip all night.  The wind wailed most of the night & it's still going.  I'm so over trying.

I guess that's it for now.  

Cya...

Cool Sunday Morning...

 

This may be the last of respite from the heat, but it's been nice.  We didn't get the rain & the 1st day was muggy.  But yesterday & this morning so far have been fairly pleasant.  

The heat will return, it's August.  I've been trying not to focus on the negatives.  That's not easy when there's not much positive going on around you.  The problem is that I don't see that changing any time soon, if at all.  

The best I can do this morning is just enjoy the cool air blowing through the window.  That's about it for this today.  There's not been a lot to post about lately.  I'll keep looking.

Cya...

Need More...

 

Recovery is a serious issue when you're chronically.  It takes longer to  bounce back from anything. It takes more when you're ill, especially if you're chronically ill & have been for years.  Yesterday was a decent day & today looks to be alright, but I'm still spent from Monday.  Maybe if today goes well, I'll feel better tomorrow.  

The problem with recovering when you're ill, is that regular life keeps happening.  You're not just focused on getting over what happened.  There's still the everyday health issues & regular day to day life to handle.  Nothing stops & you often slide behind.  Sometimes things don't get handled at all.  Somethings you don't bounce back from & then there's a new lower, lesser "normal" for you.

Maybe the worst thing about be chronically ill, even more than the illness, is that some people just can't accept your condition is actual & real.   That you aren't putting something on or just avoiding things.  If someone in your life is chronically ill, either accept it or walk on.  Better not to have a person than to have to continuously convince them of your condition's actuality. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better.  It's something I think often.  Sometimes it actually happens, others it doesn't.   Take care.

Cya...

Still Trying...

 

I'm still here & it feels like everything is trying it's best to push me over the edge.   A ton of little things, the weather, people's conditions, things needing handled, impending  storms that threaten our services, etc...  All of it eats at my resources.  What little I have.  Those people who say they enjoy getting older, must be leading very different lives than me.  My life was never easy, but every year, hell month, seems a lot harder.  It takes more to do less in almost every regard, from I can personally do to the cost of things.  Getting older was such a stupid idea.  

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

April Appointments...

 

The temps are warming again.  Maybe this time they'll hold.  We'll finish household bills today.  That'll just leave some online things as they roll up.  Then April will be paid.

This month is going to be a month of appointments for us.  Both of have a couple.  Nothing big, just normal things.  Still, they have to be handled.  

I'm not sure of anymore outings for the month yet.  We'll see what comes along.  If not, we've already done more than we did most of 2023 put together.  Things may not be quite back & they probably won't ever be the same, but we're trying.

That's it for now, take care.

Cya...

Not The Same...

Since COVID, we've been slowly trying to rebuild our lives outside of the house.   It's not been easy.  The pandemic lasted forever & COVID is still here.  Past that, we've had our own issues to contend with, but we are trying.  We keep hitting snags in the process.  

Even before the pandemic a lot of places we frequented were either going out or changing to the point we no longer liked them.  A lot of businesses never picked back up after COVID.  We've tried some other places, but so far they're not the greatest fit.  

A serious issue concerns pricing & quality.  We hit a place yesterday for something to bring home.  We used to go there fairly often, it was on the way out.  The last time we tried to go it was closed.  The time before we ordered 2 dinners & left paying just under $18 & that was an uptick on price.  This time, we'd just eaten & this was going to something smaller for midday before dinner.   We got 1 dinner & left.   That single dinner was $13+.  That's a 50% markup on price.   To make matters worse, it wasn't the same quality as before & the portions were about a third smaller.   In the end, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't worth the cost.  So another place off the list, next.

I get inflation hit, but seriously $7+ for a basic Hardees burger is not reasonable.   If restaurants keep upping their prices while downgrading size & quality, they can't be surprised when people walk away.   A lot of us just can't afford those costs.  Especially not when the quality is just so-so.

I guess we'll keep looking for the next thing.  Still, we are trying to get back out there.  It's just not been as smooth as we'd liked.

Take care.

Cya...

6 Days Until...

 

After today, there only 6 days left until Thanksgiving.  Whether you celebrate it or not, it's almost here.  I have most the stuff we need gathered.  I'll get the rest today.  Here we go again, another holiday season.  I'll try to get with it, no promises.

There's been a lot of things to not be grateful for this year.  The scales are leaning into the red.  I'll try to find the joy & a little fun.  The bills are paid, we have some Christmas plans, nothing's broken at the moment & some of the Winter birds are back.

That's it for now, I need to get around. Take care.

Cya...

Last Friday Nerves...

This is the last Friday of September.  It's the last time we'll go shopping this month.  I really need October to be better than September.  I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle.  I'm not trying to be dramatic, but with all the crap happening this month, my nerves are shot & I'm spent.

The doctor situation is still on going.  There are so many steps to getting a new primary care.  The problem is right now I can't even seem to get past the beginning of it.  I'm still waiting on a yay or nay from the 1st person I contacted.  Until then I'm stuck.  If I haven't heard by Monday, I'll call.  If there's still no answer, I'll assume it's a "no".  

Even after that, there's all the initial stuff of dealing with a new provider.  There's the background & history, the current issues, insurers, etc...  This is a lengthy process & I'm not even out of the gate.  I'm so tired of being nervous.

Cya...

Trying Not To Focus...

 

There's a lot of crap going on this year.  Very little, if any, was directly aimed at me.  Still, a lot of it is affecting me.  2023 has been a dud year at best & a crapfest at worst. 

I used to have a host of things that could distract me from stuff at least for a while.  Nowadays, most of those things have dried up or I'm burned out on them.   There've been so precious few new things to enjoy.  These artistic strikes aren't helping.  I get why they need to happen, but things would've been easier with new diversions.

I try to keep bouncing.  If I don't look at something too long, maybe I won't see how screwed up it actually is.  Right now, I can't even fix me, let alone anything else.

I keep shifting my focus.  Luckily, it's actually sunny this morning.  That helps a lot.  I know this song & dance thing I've got going on can't last.  But, maybe it might get me through til something better actually comes along.  It'd be nice, cause this is tiresome.

Take care.

Cya...

Not Much Thursday....

 

Nothing's going on here, IRL or  on the net.  At least it's somewhat bright out this morning.  Who knows how long that might last.   Some regular plans had to be altered this week.  So here we are with a day of nada.  

Alterations is a big concept around here lately.  I talk to my roomie & others online about changes they're trying to make.  The biggest thing going for them is that they have a plan.  Equally important is they're willing to modify & alter that plan as needed.  When you're trying something new in your life or even newish, it's a learning curve.  Your initial plans, methods, goals, etc... may all need reexamining & possible alteration.  Some approaches might work better than expected or not at all.  

Too many of us are unwilling or incapable of asking for help.  A lot of us see needing help or any little set back or misstep as failure.  Life is nothing but a series of failures, runs of trial & error, attempts until we get it things where we need them.  It may be easy or it could be monumental.  Just keep trying to move, even if it's only by the tiniest of bits.

I'm not trying to say I'm expert at this.  I'm not.  I barely do anything anymore.  Definitely not a lot of new endeavors.  Whatever ever you're striving for, I wish you well.  

Cya...

Just Trying...

 

2023 hasn't been a good year for me.  The best  times have been the blah, nothing moments.  So far, most everything else has been stressful, chaotic or ill.  I'm trying not to write off the whole year this early.  But after being ill, dealing with the stupid drama, bad weather, darkness, renewals & everything else I was spent.  I finally got the renewal settled & then the Netflix news dropped.  I'm pretty much back to disdain for most things.  I'll probably get past it again, but there's always a cost.  I'm never quite as whole.  I always wind feeling a little less.

The only good thing going on around here is happening with my roomie.  Something she's been working on for a while is moving forward.  How far will it go?  Who knows, but for now it's happening.  I'm happy something around here is working.

Hopefully everyone else is in a better place.  Take care.

Cya...

Trying To...

 

This has not been a good year, not even a decent decade so far.  I have no reason to assume either will get any better.  I can only ask they not continuously worsen.  There are health matters, climate issues, but  worse of all, the pure crapfest that so many people have allowed themselves to devolve into.  They wallow in anger, greed, misery, blame & so much worse.  Then they fling it like excrement from their foul diapers.  

I don't foresee better times.  I'm just trying to hold on to what little I have so I can keep muddling through.  I might be able to do that.  It won't be pretty, nice or  fun, but I might be able to keep going for a while.  Maybe that's all most of us can do anymore.  The just barely's of it all.  

Sometimes there are reasons people don't trust psychiatrist.  This is a hard time, my life isn't pleasant.  At times it's nerve wracking & depressing.  Do I get depressed?  Yes.  That doesn't mean I have clinical depression.  It means my environment, health, life are in trying, depressing states & I'm reacting.  No psychiatrist is fixing these matters.  I don't know if anyone can.  This path was chosen by the masses.    The masses will have to die off or choose another path for these things change.

Sorry to be depressing, take care.

Cya...

Drenched...

 

It stormed last night.  It poured over 1" of rain with a lot of thunder & lightning.  I guess we were lucky, we just had a power blip.  Judging by the utility trucks  driving around, I'd say some of our neighbors weren't so fortunate.  

The new computer arrived  yesterday.  It's still in the box.  I'm not sure when it'll be setup, but I didn't have the nerves left for it yesterday.  

So far, June has been like the rest of 2022, a let down.  I was hoping for more light & better mornings.  At least to where I wasn't cursing the fact I woke.  I hate waking up, nothing good comes from it.

I tried to find out more from my specialist in Tulsa about my next appointment.  They still don't know.  They've a new system, new doctors & a new telemedicine center in my area.  There's still a lot of kinks to work out.

That's all for now,  take care.

Cya...

Cooler...

 

It's going to be a busy week.  We have stuff everyday.  I'm glad it cooled off yesterday.  It won't last but it's at least 1 positive thing, when very little has been.  I'm trying to stay in a better mood, but circumstances & things seem to be conspiring to make that a challenging endeavor.  Things seem intent on being  stressful, fractious & petty.  At least it's a bright morning.

Cya.

Bright Shiny...

 

It's a bright morning.  It's warming up & the 30 degree overnights seem to be gone.  I'm hearing a  lot of birds & flowers are blooming outside.  Spring is  definitely here.  There will be things I'm not overly fond of this season, but I do like the light  & warmer days.  

I know the lawn mowing & yard yick is right around the corner.   The bugs are ramping up as well.  But it's shining & I'm not cold. Soon, the blankets will be washed & stowed.  The house shoes & jackets will be back in their off season places.

Yes,  there will be yuck, but there will also be sunshine.  I'll try to look at the flowers & not the green pollen mess.   I'll try to focus on the birdsong & not the mowers.  I won't  always succeed, but I'll try.

Take care.

Cya...

Trying...

I've been doing research into dawn simulators.  I thought I'd found a possible option.  It had a reasonable price & seemed simple enough.  But, when I looked at reviews, a lot of people mentioned mechanical issues.  This would be an online purchase for me & I'd have little way of recouping my lose if it broke.  On to more research.

I tried a new eye allergy med.  It was something my optometrist recommended.  I had a bit of reaction to it.  It may have just been it was new & there were a ton of fans blowing.  I wound up with dry, puffy, red eyes after the 2nd use.   My eyes are sensitive to meds, so I'll back off for now.  Maybe I'll try them again later.

2 tries, 2 fails, but at least I'm trying.

Cya...