Maybe That's All For Now...

 

In the past decade I lost a lot.  I lost my dentist & a couple of insurance companies that I actually liked.  My cable service downgraded us & we lost most of our stations.  Sometimes you choose to leave, some loses don't really matter, but some do.  

I liked my dentist & those insurance company loses made me scramble.  During this last year or so, there have been more serious losses.  I had to finally leave the mechanic shop I'd used for years.  Netflix shuttered it's DVDs.  I lost my regular doctor on telemedicine.  Now, my PCP doctor is gone.   

With the exception of the telemedicine doctor, I'd had those others for over 20 years & now they're just abruptly gone.  The mechanic should've happened sooner, but eventually there just wasn't a choice.  Change & loss can be difficult enough when you choose it.  When it's forced on you, it's rough.  I'm annoyed at the mechanic shop.  I'm angry about the doctor situation.  I'm still sort of heart broken over the DVDs.  They got me through a lot.  Now dvd.netflix.com just takes you to sappy "it's over" page.    Now add to that a video site I'd used since the 90s shut down, so long videoeta.com.  

They used to say for every loss, something new would come.  That's not true.  It's rarely happened for me.  If there was something new, I had to find it.   There is a new dentist, medical provider & insurance agent, but none of them are the same or what I wanted.  All time passing seems to mean is loss.  Oh you might gain some negatives or responsibilities, but doubtful, it'll be much of what you really wanted.  Talk about wanting to live for the day.

Cya...

Last October Sunday...

October has sped by.  I'm not sure why.  I feel like we just got here.   I'm trying to stay more here & now.  It doesn't always work.  But this month has left me wondering, where was I when all these days passed?  

So far, I'm doing better with the light levels.  I still feel it creeping up on me.  The anxiousness & weird distance from things.  But, I can handle it for now.   I'm trying to stay involved with things more than I did last year.   I know if I don't I could easily retreat & all this could get worse.  

I have stuff  to handle this week.  Nothing big.  Then bills will start all over again.  Halloween is on Wednesday & the time change is the following Sunday.  How did we get here so fast?

Cya..

Pages Lost...

My book is getting thinner.   Life keeps ripping chapters out of it.  I have the memories, but  Memorex just isn't the same.  Every so often I hear on the news or read on the net of some person I grew up watching on TV or listening to on the radio has passed & left this world a little dimmer.  I know that's the way of life, but it really sucks.

I occasionally google places I use to live & use the map feature to play voyeur.  I really should stop.  Most of the time, the nostalgia I endure isn't for things still standing, but things long gone or faded past the point of recognition.   The fantastic theatre I went to as a kid no longer plays films, it's just a sporadically used playhouse.  My burger joints, skating rink & even the creek I played in as a child are long gone.  It's like they erased a part of my life.

Why so weird today?  Today was the birthday of person that used to be close to me during my early college years.   We went our seperate ways during our grad school & never really came back together.  I google & facebook people I used to know as well as places.  

Some, I've never found.  Maybe they've changed their names or don't want to be on the net.   Other s are living their new lives wherever they are now.    My motivation for the searches was curiosity not hopes of reunification.  Those boats have long since sailed.  These people & I share memories & there's really nothing more awkward then trying to talk to someone you used to know, when both of you have moved on with your lives.  Reminiscing get's old fast.   

The friend I spoke of earlier, she was born on September 28, 1966.  She was someone, I reconnected with a couple times over the phone during the late 90's & early 2000's.  But, it was obvious, the  calls were just uncomfortable & bordering on unpleasant.  We were strangers with no reason to talk any more.  So, the calls stopped,  I recently found out, she passed.  It was back in 2004.  Almost a decade before I found out.  She lived less than an hour away & I didn't her anything.  I'm not sure what I felt about that, it was just a hollow weirdness.

Since, my 20's, I've known a lot of people who have passed that were in my crowd of people.  Some from HIV, others not.  I guess I should say it brought about a lot of sadness to my life, but not really. It was just strange, like someone altered a picture on the wall & made part of it fade away.   As I get older, some things are harder to feel, like the intense feelings you have as a teen or 20 something.  Maybe that's a good thing.

I losing chapters, places & people in my life.  I know I can't replace them.  I'm not even sure at this point if I can write new 1's.   Maybe...  I'll leave you with a videos of how I feel this day.  You probably know the song.  Listen to the lyrics. 

Cya...

PS:   Happy Birthday Donella, I'm sure you would've rocked your late 40's...

i met a boy

come dancing

Moving On...

No matter how crappy things get, time keeps going,.  I'm nearing the end of this year for myself.  Come September, it's a new 1 for me.    I know my household is still in transition from all it's gone through this year, but this mess is passing.  

The process hasn't been quick, but our more normal lives are slowly starting to reemerge.   My roomie is finding ways to get through her process.  Again, it's not easy, but she's doing it.  She's discovering through this ongoing situation that acknowledging the steps & the momentary situations is a very  important thing to do.   

When you've gone through something traumatic or challenging, it is very important to recognize the steps.  You've endured this, it's now part of who you are.  If for other reason than to tell yourself next week that you're doing better than you did today.  

Every step, breath, tear, struggle... they all count.  They all matter. Give them the credence they deserve.  You've earned it.

Cya...

Tick Tock...

I know for an HIV blog, I write a lot about the minutia & trivia in my life.  However, this blog is about my life as a person in his 40's living in small town Oklahoma, who happens to also be +.  Things that have impact on my life may seem inconsequential to other people, even those living with HIV.  For me, though, they're a big part of my life.

My life & health is drastically affected by the weather, hot or cold.  So, I do write about it a lot.  Weather can screw with me in ways little else can these days.  It doesn't matter if I'm talking about actual temperatures or humidity levels.  It all changes how I feel & what I can accomplish that day.

I write a lot about the little things in my life, like going shopping, taking trips to Fort Smith or going to see a movie.  These things are markers in my life now.  That sucks, but it's true.  I don't have much left.  So, I go shopping Mondays & Fridays.  Sometimes more often if I need things.  I go to Fort Smith as needed.  Sometimes that need is simply to get the hell out of the house.  I write about trash day on Wednesdays.  

Summertime can be hard on me due to the weather & the lack of TV programs.  I use those programs & my roomie's outings to measure time.  To mark all the stupid minutes until I have something else to do.  My drugs are an unwelcome reminder of time passage, but they do chart the day.  My stressful encounters with my pharmacy mark out the month.  Going to see my doctors & dentist map the year.

Right now, that's my life.  It's governed by mundane errands & medical junk.  Occasionally something fun gets into the mix, but not as often as I'd like.  But, probably more often than I can actually afford.  That's life on disability, at least for me.  Maybe someday it'll change, hopefully for the better.  But, it might not.  So, I do my my best to get by.

Cya...

Wednesdays Back...

I've already said Wednesdays can be especially busy for me.  There's things I need to catch with on TV, online, household stuff, bath, exercise, trash & more.  Recently I've decided to edit my to-do list for the day so I'm not so overwhelmed.  None of it was hard, it was just taking too much time to get through it all. 

Today's gone's fairly smoothly.  I've gotten through a lot of what I needed to do already.  I've still have some slightly larger dishes to cook.  

It's sort of amazing, we're only 8 days from thanksgiving (US) &  40 until Christmas.  There are only 47 days left in 2012.  That gives me just 50 days until this blog turns 3 years old. Time certainly is flying this year. 

Cya...

Flying Time...

From May to August the days seemed to drag.   Now that we're in September, it feels like the days have sped up.  I'd noticed it & my roomie mentioned it this morning.

My conclusion is that the days are going by faster.  The days are shortening.   We are sleeping much deeper in the cooler weather.  We aren't so drained & exhausted as we had been throughout the Summer.  The cooler weather allows for the monotonous drone of fans to be mostly silenced.   Fall has taken away many of those annoyances.  No longer are the heat, noise & frustration of Summer bombarding our already frayed nerves.

In November, the Daylight Saving Time thing will end & we will fall back into our lost hour.   That will make the days start earlier, but the night's set in sooner.  Regardless, the days will be shorter & we will sleep more.  The time will seem to pass by more quickly than in the heated months of Summer.

For now, I enjoy the Fall, I only wish it'd last longer.

Cya

Lost at Walmart

Today was shopping day, as usual the vortex known as Walmart sucks the life, $ & time right out of me.  I left by 9:00 to go there to get a few things, some how I lost over an hour in that pit.  Poseidon should've cursed Ulysses to traverse a Walmart instead of some measly pleasure cruise around the Mediterranean.  The people he met on his journey would've paled in comparison to the weirdness of the people of walmart. 

I should count myself  fortunate to have a grocery store in my town, but I find it difficult to be thankful for Wally World.  That's like asking me to call McDonald's, gourmet dining.  But after an hour of meandering the store looking for items they've either moved or discontinued, trying not to deal with people blocking the aisles because Walmart is the nexus of their social life & trying to escape the screeching madness known as other people's children (Can't they muzzle those things?) you find the escape route.  Then you go home and find that you inevitably forgot something.  Do you go back to that hell or just wait until the next time?  I usually opt to wait.

Shopping shouldn't be hell, nor should it be the center of your social universe, but that's exactly what it can be at the Walmart.  Walmart is the Twilight Zone in the real world.  You can't adjust squat and you have to deal with whatever annoying weirdness and stupidity is hurled your way.  You have to decide which is worse, the howler monkeys that shop there or the baboons that run the place. If you have to go there, my hopes and prayers go with you.  You should probably wrap yourself in plastic, those monkeys like to fling crap.  Happy hunting.

Getting through the days...

About a year after my diagnosis, I went to the hospital for extreme anemia, a reaction to Retrovir aka AZT.  This was the last straw on the camel's back and since then I've been on SSI disability. Some say great and it did cover most the bills, but being home all day, everyday is taxing. Barely enough $ to make ends meet and no where near enough to do much in the way of diversion.

Rituals, habits & patterns become important to you in ways you never considered.  They're your clock & calendar.  Oh, it's time to dishes, it's Thursday better vacuum, it's second/fourth Monday of the month better mow the lawn.  Those things that mark your time between sleeping, week passage or next month's bills become the things that get you through the day and the things you really despise.

It's almost a crisis when something happens that doesn't fall into your daily rut.  How bad will this throw me off, how much $ will this take, or just WHAT NOW!?  Even if it's a good thing or something just slightly diverting, you somewhat resent it for not having the decency to be planned into your day ahead of time.  In situations like mine surprises are rarely good and almost never welcome. Whenever you're dealing with someone in a situation similar;  an elderly relative, a sick friend, or your sibling at home with three kids, remember you may have just thrown their entire system out of whack, so be a little patient and understanding.  I know it's way OCD and limiting but it's what I/we have.