Revolving Dread...

 

There are 3 full days left in 2025.  The entirety of the 2000s has been a crapfest for me.  It's ranged from unpleasant to WTF happened & what did anyone do to deserve that?  I can't give any year of the 2000s a rating above tolerable at best.  The flavors & intensities of misfortunes have changed, but they all were horrid in their own way.

2026 is about to roll in & I'm dreading it.  I'd really be fine with not seeing it at all.  I hope good things come for those around me.  But, I don't see anything in my life going any direction but down.  

Some flickers did happen.  A few houses on nearby blocks had some lights.  If I looked the right way I could see them for a brief time.  Last night, the neighbors left their drapes open & I actually saw their Christmas tree lit up.  It was a pleasant surprise.   Did it change overall holiday?  No, but it did make last night just a little easier to handle.

The holiday is over, I'm exhausted & let down.  Now there's the threat looming just over 72 hours away.  I'm not sure why, but there's no reason to expect anything good out of 2026 & the orange bastard.  It'd be nice to be wrong.  

Take care.

Cya...

Dark August Morning...

 

There could be a lot of rain today.  It's dark & cooler.  That looks to be the trend for a while.  I hope things don't cool down too quickly, but I don't see any 90s in the forecast.  Of course that could change.   

This last bit of me being 58 isn't going to be easy.  It's going to be dark all week & I'm already dreading it.  The worst part of the year is creeping up.  I really don't have to see 59.  It's not like there'll be anything good for me.  It'll only more of the same & worse.  Birthdays should come with the option of "enough" or "I've had my fill, thank you."

My roomie is making some future plans.  They're reasonable ideas.  I hope they work well for her.  I don't have those anymore.  I haven't for a long time.  Each year, it gets harder to see the positive things with all the crap looming.

That's it for this morning, take care.

Cya...

Trying, But Not...

 

I tried to pull myself together yesterday.  It didn't work.  It doesn't matter what I'm trying, something else has to come along.  There was a weird light & shopping was annoying.  My roomie was having some things go on in the morning.  The weather got weird later on.  It drizzled for a bit, barely enough to register.  There's some old stuff brewing in the background that could be an issue.  I hope not, but it could be.

The light's off this morning.  I slept hard last night & woke up with a jolt for some reason.  I hate that.  I feel like I hit a wall.  The season & my year are ending.  That's never good for me.  I just have this annoying dread that something big's going to break.  I don't want to be here when it happens.  I don't have the strength to do more or fix anything.  I can't even get myself together.  It's always something else.

Cya...

Last Day Of Light...

 

The days were already getting really short, less than 11 hours.  This is last day before the time change.  Tomorrow's sunset will be about 5:20.  Before it's over, there will be days people in school or with day jobs will barely see sunlight.  

I had a reprieve yesterday & felt better.  It didn't last.  I woke to a dark room & at 10, it's still dim out.  I don't feel great, I'm a bit foggy & dehydrated.   This time of year sucks.

It will be 127 days until the next time change.  I wish I could just sleep through it.  Little, if any, good happens during the dark of the year.  

My SAD has gotten to the point, that from late August through September & October I just feel this dread about the rest of the year.  It's very difficult to enjoy any of it.  I try very hard to stay in the now.  But, it's not always a very attractive option.  None of the above, should definitely be a choice in situations like those.

Take care.

Cya...

Fading With The Last Of It...

 

This is the last Sunday of October.   Halloween is almost here & to be honest, I don't really care.  I hate that.  This used to be my favorite holiday.  

So much of what I enjoyed is gone & what's left I can't muster much excitement for.  I should've never stayed long enough to see this.  I wonder whose sick joke it was for me to live this long.  Hell, it was probably mine.  Another plan that backfired.

It's hazy again this morning & I don't feel well.  I spent most of yesterday tired, achey & just feeling off.  I thought sleep might help, but it didn't.  

The light is almost gone & this is the last week before the hellish time change.  I'll lose an hour of light, just some morning asshats can have it.  Sunset next Sunday will be 5:41.  I hope that hour of morning light brings those damn morning people misery.

The dread is hear.  I don't know how well I'll fare this year.  The Summer was weak & frustrating.  I don't have high hopes for the dark seasons this time around.  It's really hard to be this exhausted & out of it all the time & the season's just beginning.

That's all for now.  Take care.

Cya...

It's Here...

 

The fret & dread are back.  I hate the seasonal darkening.  It feels like an attack on my well being.  A month ago, the light lasted well past 8.  Now it's sundown before 7.  There's already less than 12 hours of light in the day now.  I wish I could shut down when there was less than half a day's worth of sunlight.  

With no fans going, I can hear every noise.   Something's been waking me just before 7 AM for weeks.  It's a lot of outside crap making noise I can hear now.  To hell with morning birds, people, trains, etc...  It's cool enough the cats feel like roughhousing all night.  The cool down is changing how I sleep & how sore I am because of it. 

I hate waking up.  Nothing good ever comes of waking up.   I know there will be BS when I wake up, I'm just not sure what that will be.  What screwed up?  What needs fixed?  What did the cats do?   Am I what's messed up?  

As much as I love looking at the moon, I hate dusk & dawn.  Let it be bright or dark, but the middle crap is awful.  Shove the dismal somewhere I never have to deal with it again.   I will never understand the people who like the dismal, overcast, cloudy, foggy, dreary days.  I have serious questions concerning their character. 

I wish I didn't have to sleep.  That's when the defenses go down.  That's when we fool ourselves with dreams.  That's when stress gets creative & screws with those dreams.  Most of all, if I didn't have to sleep, I wouldn't have to wake.  If a person must sleep, they should have the option of never waking.

Little, if any good, ever comes from waking.

Cya...

The Enemy, Morning...

 

Mornings & I have never been on good terms.  They only bring fuckery.  Even when I was little with Saturday morning cartoons, I dreaded mornings.  They could lead to finding something wrong; a pissy sibling, a drunk parent, something broken, etc...

As I got older, some of those things were no longer problems, but other things came.  Other sources of stress & anxiety.  Now, I have to deal with SAD as well.   

Most mornings something is off.  When it isn't, I get more worried.  The longer it takes for the shoe to drop, the bigger the shoe.   The only way I can see to fix this would be for the to be no mornings.  There's nothing that can make that happen.  So this is my existence.  I won't call it a life.  It hasn't felt like that in a long time.  I go through the days & that's it.

I dread & despise mornings. 

Cya...

Still...

 

We're a ⅓ of the way through July & it's another dark morning.   It's been a while since I've woke up well in the morning.  I hate these dreary damn mornings.  If this year is the new normal, I guess there aren't going to be many bright mornings left for me.  I don't know how I'm going to handle that, if I even can.   It's been a hard year for me with this drear.  I've stayed tired, spent & mostly uninvolved with anything.  Not that I'm ever that involved with things.  At least it's not supposed to rain today.

Cya...

Not Much Left...

 

There's a little over 2 weeks left in 2022.  There were things I wanted handled, but they aren't.  I suppose they'll drag over into the next year.  We tried to handle these things, but nothing seemed to work.  At the moment, I'm cold, frustrated & hating the grey skies. 

We have errands today.  I hope they go well.  I'm too spent for more of 2022's BS.  I don't want to be the person who dreads the tiniest things.  If that's all that's left, I'd rather not.

It'd be nice if I could find the bright side of things again.

Cya...

Oh Well...

 

I didn't have high hopes for anything, but I thought maybe I could get a single good day to start the month.  I'm not sure why I had such expectations, I don't get those things anymore.  November started off with carry over BS, things breaking, needs for my attention to do things & people in poor, snappy moods.  

I just needed a day without crap, especially new crap, even if it was potentially a good thing.  I just needed a day.  I'm back to dreading mornings.  I have no idea what's lurking out there.  What's going to break, need something or snap.  This has been going on for a long time now.  I'm just about to retreat to my room, close the door & not come out.  Let everything & everyone else fix their own shit.  I can barely handle mine, some times, not even that. 

My rant is over for a bit, but the crap will keep coming.  Oh well, a good month would've been nice.  I guess that's why I didn't get it.

Cya...

Cooler Morning...

 

I woke to a cooler morning.  That should be a good thing, but we've had so many temps swings lately that it's not.  It's 20 degrees lower than yesterday.  A couple of days ago there was a nearly 50 degree jump in temps from an overnight to the next day's high.  Between these swings, allergies & the diminishing light levels, I'm feeling pretty off.  I had a weird wake up  this morning.  It wasn't jolting, but it was unsettling & I never could back to sleep.  I don't know what woke me, but it wasn't appreciated.

Summer was hard, all of 2022's been a pain. Still, I'm dreading Fall.  That's all  for now.

Cya...

Closing Doors...

 

Summer's ending.  The solstice is this week.  While, I'm ready for cooler weather, seasonal changes always make me anxious.  I never shift between them without stressful hesitation.  I don't know what I'm expecting, but this always happens.  My sleep hasn't been as well as I'd like it the last week.  I'm feeling anxious about Fall after such a dismal Summer.  Things will start changing soon.  Some of them really need to, but this still puts me on edge.  I'm a Virgo, I want  an detailed plan, an itinerary. 

There's a new version of Windows is coming.  There'll be less light.  I'm not sure how my mornings will be as things darken.  Maybe all the new TV will suck.  I can control precious little of this & I try to let it go.  But my mind circles back at it.  I hate Fall.  It always has such promise, but rarely delivers.  I want full size, candy bars & usually wind up with those awful, little, black & orange, paper-covered, peanut butter taffy horror chews instead.  

I leave Fall feeling like Sally Brown & Lucy Van Pelt after Halloween & Christmas; robbed & disappointed.  Maybe this year will be better.  Yeah, like that's going to happen.  For now, I'll just try to keep my head down & not talk to people.  I won't have the strength, kindness or desire to tolerate people & their crap.

Take care.  Hope you have a good Autumn.

Cya...

Today...

 

It's election day.  Either winner will have an impact on me & mine.  I have no idea which way this will land.  I'm trying not to look.  I did last time & was very disappointed.  I'll save that for later.

No matter which this goes, it won't be pleasant. It might be exciting, aggravating, tiresome...  But, it won't be nice.  It will tell a lot about us as a people though.   Will we hold on to yesterday's fears, hate & hucksters?  Or will step in the unknown of the future? Going backwards never bodes well.

Go vote.  Be kind. Take care.

Cya...

Fading Out...

Yesterday, I talked about light boxes & dawn simulators.  Things to help with SAD.  I've found some options.  I don't know if they'll work.  I hope so.  

I woke up this morning & it was hazy.  But at 7 something, it looked dreary.  I felt a familiar twinge in me.  It was a brief bit of anxiety, bordering on panic.  All I could think was, "Not yet, not so soon."

It's supposed to rain today, but it's not just that.  The highest temp in the half month forecast is 94 F.   This is for now until August 10th.  How can 94 be our high?  August used to be our hottest month.  Now August is just a gateway to Fall.

All I could think was soon all the leaves will fade & my amazing flyers will be gone.  It will be dark & dreary.  My roomie will be back to her other schedule & I'll be alone more.  I'm a little anxious just typing about it.  

Summer temps are hard & the bigs drive can be awful.  Then there's the mowing.  But, at least I feel alive.  I really hope light therapy will help me.   I can't do another Winter like the last round.  I just really don't think I can.

I'm trying not to waste the rest of Summer in dread.  I'm ready to move somewhere with better light year round. I just don't know where that is or how to get there.   

Hopefully, you're in a better place than me.

Cya...

Dread & Preparation...

Why would someone my age notice school supplies being pushed at Walmart? It means school starts back in less than a month.  It's the end of Summer & the beginning of Fall.  The light will fade.  

I don't think I can handle a repeat of last year.  It was dark & dreary from mid-September to early May.   It was dry & allergy ridden.   It was very hard on me.

This Summer has been odd.  I've had a reasonable amount of Dragons, but very few Hummers.  I miss the Hummers.  The flowers & shrubs are strange too, they just don't quite look right.   I have had a lot lightning bugs.  That's been great, little blips of childhood joy in the night that make me smile.  

I've done pretty well this Summer.  I've been awake.  I've felt more alive.  I haven't been waking in a panic or spending the day stressed & anxious over nothing in particular.  I was considering meds last Winter to help with my mood, but it seems that what I really need is light. I'm seriously looking into light boxes, but they suggested trying a dawn simulator before investing in a light box.   

I really hope this works.  I don't think I can go through another drear-fest Winter.   Most resources promote light therapy over other forms.  I've not read to many good reactions from people who went on meds just for Seasonal issues.  They also promoted more interaction.  For now, light therapy seems like my best option. We'll see.

I hope so.

Cya....