The Letter B...

Today's blog post is brought to you by the letter "B".  There are many great "B" words like; beloved, beautiful or bravo.  We are going to deal with a word that a lot + people encounter & it isn't a good one, "Blame".

To blame simply means to place fault or responsibility for some action or event onto someone or something.  People blame others for actions they perceive as negative.  People sometimes blame themselves in  some overly dramatic attempt to distract from a situation or to get pity.  

I choose a fiery "B", because red & fire are often associated with bad or even sinful behavior.  Consider the Scarlet Letter for instance.   I'm sure those people would've loved to have figured out a way to make that "A" flaming.  

There's often a lot of blaming when someone discovers that they're +.   They blame  themselves for being careless or stupid.  They blame the other party for not being more forthcoming.  The + person is blamed for just about everything by the people in their lives.  Society blames them for being + even if they were born with the virus.  Sins of the father & all that crap.    They blame the person who's cheating spouse infected them.

There is only one thing to be said about "blame", no good can ever come from it.  I could go on about the negativity of people who continuously blame others for everything under the sun. But I won't.   Blaming isn't the same as actually taking responsibility for the matter.  

I could blame a variety of different people or circumstances for me being +.  But the fact is, I had allegedly "safe" sex fairly often & eventually the roll of the die turned against me.  I am +.  The actions I took led to me being +.  Placing blame for the matter wouldn't have helped me & it wouldn't have allowed me to move on with my life.  

When you find out you're +, after the shock & all the stages of whatever process you may or may not go through.  You really only have one choice, accept it or don't.  Considering that not accepting it is really just an act of self delusion, accepting it is the only real option.   Turn & face the strange, face it head on & come to terms with it.  It won't be easy, but it will allow you to accept this new chapter of your story.  

No more blaming, no more mud-slinging, no self-hating or listening to others who wish to hate us for something that can not be undone.  Time to move out on the rest of our journey without the baggage, the anger or the guilt.  Good Journeys to us all.

Cya

The Letter A...

A is for Absent.  Unfortunately, when you find yourself +, this is a word you will become familiar with fairly quickly.  Absent can be used in many manners.

When you can not be in a certain place because of your illness, you may find yourself being absent from work,   activities with friends or other social engagements.

It can also relate to something lacking or non-existent.  My bosses understanding of my situation is utterly absent.

This word can also refer to being preoccupied or somewhere else.  I tried to pay attention to the show, but my health was bothering me, leaving absent of the ability to concentrate on anything.

The word can be a verb for removal.  Many of my friends made themselves absent from my life once they knew I was +.

The dictionary also shows this word as a preposition.    In absence of any income or health insurance I found myself on assistance & disability.

You will find many things that are absent in your life once you find out that you are are +.  It is very easy to focus on all these missing things/people, but it won't do you any good.  There are some of these things that we have to deal with like missing health care or transportation.  However for the most part we are far better off focusing on the antonym of today's word. 

If you look at what is present in your life, you might be surprised how much is really still there.  I'm not preaching the power of positive thinking here.   But, negativity can only bring you down.  We all wallow in it from time to time.  It's probably necessary to start getting on with one's life.   Past that though, it will only serve to further isolate you & limit your life.

There will be many things, people, events, etc.. absent from your life.  Most likely there won't be a damned thing you can do about it either.  So make your amends with matter & do your best to move on with your life.  Focus on those things you still have in your life.  This is a time to be thankful for the little things.

This won't be easy, but it's time to count the proverbial blessing, smell the roses & let it be.

Cya

Happy Anniversary, Birthday, HIV Day whatever... Again...

Should I use...

Or should I use...

Either is accurate today.  Today is the first anniversary of my blog.  Hooray for me & my blog, we made it this far.  Today is also my HIV-Day.   The 12th to be exact.   On this day back in 2000, I found out that I was +. I may have been for who knows much earlier than that, but January 03, 2000 was my official HIV-Day.  It was the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

Since that day, I have gone through a lot, some good, a lot not so much.  I won't focus on all of that today.  Today I will celebrate & make another commitment.  I celebrate the fact I kept this blog going.  I applaud myself & all those who helped me still be here 12 years later.  I give thanks to all those people/programs that made this possible.

I have decided to commit myself to this blog & my facebook page for another year.  I may alter how I post or the quantity, but I will continue to post consistently.  Possibly a bit more relevantly & less short posts.  Perhaps, I will do ABC challenges with my blog or some other form of writing.  I don't yet, but I will write.  

I know this isn't some super star blog with thousands of readers, but for those of you who do read this, I wish you a tremendous new year & all the hope & luck the world has to offer in whatever endeavors you decide to undertake in 2012.  I'll close with two videos.

Cya

365...

This is the very last day of my blogging year.  Tomorrow this blog will be one year old.  I made it an entire year.  I posted everyday.  OK, some of the posts were a little thin or lacking, but I never committed to the posts being verbose or award winning.  I committed to writing in this blog everyday & I have accomplished that goal.  I kept last years resolutions with this blog & Facebook entries.

I haven't quite decided what my resolutions, if any, I'm taking this year.  I may keep the one's I had & just try to alter them a bit.  Regardless, I'm really not considering it the beginning of the year until my HIV Day.  I will be 12 this year.   That is a little over a quarter of my life I have been +.  I really didn't think I'd be here this long.

Enough for now.  I will figure my plans for the new year & this blog & post about them tomorrow.  Happy number 365 day to me.  Somehow that is adding up to 371 posts, I must've gotten ambitious some days.

Cya

New Year's Day...

The year has begun anew.  How did it start?  With a missing trashcan.  I went to take out the trash & there was no can to be seen.   I looked for it in the yard.  I thought that as windy as it last night it might've gotten blown out into the street.  I looked around the area & no sign of my MIA trashcan.  I tell my roomie it's gone & we decided to go out & get another one.   We'd even stop by Bestbuy  & check in on the "awesome" sale they had going on.  My roomie opted for us to pick up Chinese on the way home.  How did this go?

Some how, after all the searching, the trashcan appears in the backyard.  I don't know if I missed it or someone tossed it back over the fence.  But, I know I looked in that backyard for the trashcan & it wasn't there.  Still we opt to go, after we were dressed & motivated, so we went.

Bestbuy's idea of a sale leaves something to be desired.  I got an open-box mini-stereo there a couple of years ago that normally went for $60 USD & I got it for $30.  They said they had open-box Kindle Fires, so we went to check out the prices they wouldn't show me online.  I was expecting at least they'd be down to at lesat $150, after all they were open-box, returns & display models.  That was not the case, the remarkably generous people at Bestbuy knocked a whole 10% off the Kindles.  Woohoo, I'd save $19.99, hell that barely covers gas for the trip.  I did not get a Kindle Fire today.

Trashcan out, Bestbuy out, but there was still Chinese at the mall.  I circled the mall parking lot for quite some time trying just to find a parking space.  Then I ran in, only to find that none of the food places would be open for another hour & that the Chinese place would not be open at all.  Strike three, you're out.

We finally ate at Panera's & headed home.  There are still black-eyed peas to served & pie to be eaten.  It was a little frustrating, but we were out the house for a while & none of it was really anything that was a must have item.  

Hope your year is starting off well.

Cya

Cya 2011...

I have to admit, I am among the many who will be happy to see 2011 in the rear-view mirror.  I mean it just wasn't a good year for a lot of folks, no matter where you were in the world. Between the continued warring, horrid weather & even worse economics, 2011 was not a picnic.

I have to wonder what it must be like to the year that every one is so incredibly glad to be past.  What is it like to be a disdained year?  What it's like to 2011, or the year of the stock market crash, or the year a world war started, etc...?   I mean, it must absolutely suck to be 2011 in comparison to some year like 1776 for the USA or even the Summer of Love 1969.

I will do my best to make my peace with 2011.  

• I am thankful you are about over, but you gave me something to compare other years to
• I learned I can survive a hellish year of weather
• I know what it's like to replace a hot water heater
• I know what it's like to have a frozen pipe fixed
• I know about insurance issues

I could on, but I think I've made my point.  I have to admit there's already some things I am not looking forward to in 2012.  There is another round of craziness lurking in regards to another doomsday story.  There are the Olympics &  how can we forget in the USA it is an election year, yippie!

To 2011, I wish you a happy retirement wherever it is that years go after they've passed.   To 2012, I hope you bring better tidings than your predecessor.  I don't think I can stand many more life lessons.

Happy New Year's Eve

Cya

Birthdays...

Today is my sister's birthday.  I used to make a notable effort to always call her either on or before the 30th to wish her a happy birthday.  She will be 52 this year.  That's so weird, because in my head she's a wild child teenager & I'm the little kid tagging along behind her.   It's really amazing how you can grow so far away from people you used to be so close to.  Amazing probably isn't the right word, but's close enough.

When I was about 8, my sister decided she'd had enough of all my mom's crap & moved out.  It really wasn't much of anything for a 15 or 16 year old to move out on their own back then.  That left me as the oldest in the house with that woman.   I took care of household chores & my two younger brothers.  Imagine leaving an eight year old to watch other children & to cook  with no adult any where nearby.  Yet, I still saw my sister fairly often.

When my sister was about 17, she married her first husband.    The marriage was hell & lasted a little under eight years.  I hated her husband with a passion.   Too bad he's still among the living.  I only saw my sister about a third of the time she was married to husband number one.  

When I was a freshmen in college, she married again & is still married to this one.  They lived a ways off & I only saw her once or twice.  After that, they moved to Seattle.  I was a junior in college when that happened & I haven't seen her since.  Still I tried to keep in contact.  That was difficult.  It was before email (which my sister doesn't do) & my sister is a lousy letter writer.

It was in the mid 1990's before I really managed to reestablish contact with her again on a fairly regular basis. It was only via phone calls, but it was something.  Over the years, I noticed that she called less & less.  It eventually turned out to be I was the one making all the calls.  We used to talk every other week or so.  Now, it's maybe every other month & I think she's fine with that.

It took me a while to admit some things.  My sister & I really weren't family anymore.  She was someone/something from my past.  One of the few things that I had managed to hold onto throughout my life.    My sister probably feels too indebted to the idea of family to just not answer the phone.  Finally, when my sister first moved out, all those years ago, I was angry.    I understood she had to get away from our mother, but that meant I was there alone.  I was never close to my other siblings, I'm still not.  The one I was close to, left.

Over time, it turned into me being the only one calling.  Her never remembering the holidays as far as I was concerned.  So, I call once in November before Thanksgiving & give my happy holidays for all those to come, knowing she won't call me.  If it took more effort than a phone call, I'd probably walk away from this altogether. Oh well, that's life.

Happy Birthday Sis...

Cya