My roomie's friend came over last night. He's getting ready to move. It's a big life change. We spent the night semi-reveling in pizza, drink & 80s alternative music. I didn't drink much. I don't anymore, with my meds that probably isn't the best idea.
But there was a different kind of intoxication, nostalgia. I knew every word to all the songs. I remembered where I was & what life was like. Most of those memories were at happier or at least more distracted points in my life. Like hanging out with people at skating rinks or cruising in cars. I knew it was fleeting, but I was going to stay in those songs as long as I could as a kid.
I looked out the back door today & saw another tree was dulling out for Autumn. I'm trying to stay in the now, but this isn't the August I should've had. This month is some crappy version of mid-April or possibly late September. I feel like Sally Brown, " I was robbed."
Nostalgia can be an alluring drug of desperation & detachment We go searching for some point when we happy or at least at peace with ourselves. I don't want the leaves to change. I didn't want to grow up & live without my music that I could get lost in for what seemed like forever. I never gave these things up. I was forced to leave them behind or they were taken from me. Like my Summer was taken this year. No, I'm not letting go of that.
I'm very pissed off at the now. I don't really have any hopes for the future. Unfortunately, I know the past wasn't really all that great at all. This is why people start hard drugs & never come up for air. Other people's lives may be worth living, but mine was filled with barely tolerable moments. It just wasn't worth the pain.
Maybe tomorrow the Sun will burn away all these damn clouds. Then I might be able to see some good in something. No promises.
Cya...
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