I woke to a chilly, August morning, it was 64 F. I had a little light coming through my windows, but not much. Sunrise is already back to being at 6:30.
Today or tomorrow my newish, car insurance should make it's withdraw. It's only the 2nd round with them, so I'm keeping an eye on it. I hate not being able to trust this yet. It's just another lit bit of agitation.
When I young. I would spend every possible minute outside. I'd run across fields, play in creeks, make hideouts under bushes. Anything to avoid going home. Not matter where I was living, I'd be out as much I could. It didn't matter if I didn't know anyone else where we were. I'd do it because whatever place I was living always had something in common. I wasn't wanted there.
No one ever directly said that to me. But they did it in a multitude of other ways, like leaving or sending me some place else for "my own good". I hate that statement. Not once has it ever be good for me, when someone said something was happening for, "my own good." It was always for someone else.
So, I stayed outside. I ran, jumped, climbed, swam... I tried not to cry, be scared, be nervous, care that I wasn't wanted there. I hated the moment I had to go home. The instant I had to go inside for anything, all their displeasure would hit me like a wave. At least during the warmer parts of the year, I could be outside away from most people. Even if it was scary & lonely sometimes.
The warm times of the year were my solace & the cooler months were hard. You can only avoid them seeing you for so long in a house. Every day, in a thousand ways they made you knew you weren't wanted, that you were a nuisance, a burden. Dying would've been easier than my childhood of anger, desertion & chaos.
Summer still offers me a bit of that, even if I no longer run in the fields. Winter is still the thing that traps me inside, with closed windows, old air & stale smells. With the Sun I can stretch out & be more me. When it's cold, I just want to curl up & hide. I hate that I ever grew up & came to understand this all as an adult. At least as a kid, I could have my fantasies & make-believe reasons behind all the anger aimed at me. Now, I can't.
August is here. There's only a single day of mid 90s temps in the 15 day forecast. When I saw that, part of me just fell away. I'm not ready for this. Soon, it will be cold & the windows will be closed. I will cooped up & more alone. If I'm going to die in this stupid town, I hope it doesn't linger too long. Everyday I hate this place a little more. It's like it's all I have left are dark things. There's not much a of me left anymore.
Be kind to others, strays & most importantly yourself. Few others will be do it for you.
Cya...
PS. - August, I hope you can hold on to the Sun for a little while longer. I'm not ready to close the windows yet.
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