365...

This is the 365th day of my 50th year.  Doesn't that sound like a lot?  It's also the last day of August.   This was a trying year & I'm glad to see it coming to a close.   August wasn't such a bad month & the stress that was in it, was mostly due to electric bill issues.   Still, I think 2017 will look better in the rear-view mirror. 

I woke to jays, blackbirds & crows outside my window.  Some small animal had ripped open the trash.  An easy, but annoying fix at 7 something in the morning.    We have some tiny brown birds that warble like elephants.  

I'm trying to be in better spirits for my birthday tomorrow.  I most often fail at that.  I might again.  But, it'd be nice not to.  

So long August.

Cya...

Another Trash Run...

Just another Wednesday.  Another trash run to the curb.  Yet, it's the last time I'll see either as a 50 year old.   My 1st year into my 5th decade wasn't a great time.  I know it could've been worse in some ways, but it was pretty hard on me.   Sometimes, I wish there had been a point where I could've purposely have been stricken with amnesia.   Then maybe I could've moved past some of the crap in my life, I've never been able to get away from.    It  might not have worked, but still it was a thought.

I'm looking at the crepe myrtle outside my window.  Its limbs are covered in the "locust" shells.  I know they're actually cicadas, but most people around call them locusts & "locusts" are grasshoppers.   I like the fact the crepe helped launch the insect's final stage of life.  So many things happen in that crepe myrtle outside my window.

For those of you haven't seen a cicada emerge, check this out.

Cya...

It's Coming...

My birthday is just a few days away.  It usually doesn't go so well for me.   It's at an inopportune time.  The closing of Summer & the not quite start of Fall.  Labor Day Weekend & the 1st of the month.   Not good timing, but hey at least I would've made Hogwart's deadline.

I don't have a problem with my age.  I usually don't even think about it.  My problem is that I never think of myself as the age I am.   That's 1 of the many problems kids from seriously screwed up homes face.   When something mars a child physically or otherwise, part of them always lingers with you.   Each time it happens, more versions of yourself continue to walk beside you & sound off in your head.  

No matter how old you get, that earliest version of you, will always be the 1st & final thing you hear in your head when you face life.   I occasionally hear very young versions of me, but it's mostly about the time I was between 7 - 8.  When my parents' escapades became their most violent & they finally split.   There are a few versions of angry, teenage me's.  There are those in my college years trying to survive & the 1 when university was over & I had nothing.   There are a couple of older, more fuck-it-all versions & then 1 when I was at my sickest with HIV.   But, none of them are the person I see in the mirror.   I don't really know that version well, not always sure if I care to.

When people, especially kids, experience trauma, it scars them forever.   Maybe no one else can see the marks, but we can.  It's a playlist of flashbacks to the least favorite events in your life.   Your lowest, most horrible, possibly terrifying points.

I don't care that I'm turning 51, surprised, but not upset.   It just seems like that 8 year old has been here a long time looking for something.  I doubt we'll ever find it.   I think that kid was supposed to be somewhere else by now.   Maybe some place nice.  

Cya...

A Nothing Monday...

Other than shopping, I'm not doing much.  It's a nice enough day.  I'm sitting here watching leaves fall from the crepe myrtle & some trees.   The days are getting shorter sooner this year.  The trees are yellowing & losing leaves earlier than usual.  Hopefully, our Winter won't be a horrible season.   

The seasonal change is upon us.  I know it's not due for almost a month, but it's nearly here.  I don't do well with these times.  The change of light is always hard on me.   I'm already noticing it.  The early morning anxiety has been more active lately.    Nothing much I can do about it, except turn on some lights.

That's it for now.

Cya...

Last Sunday...

This is the last Sunday of August & of my year.  By the time the next Sunday passes I'll be a year older.  At least it's a pleasant day so far.  The weather's mild & only going to get more so.  I saw the porch cat we renamed Hazel this morning & she seems to be doing well.  There isn't much left to talk about today.   I hope the rest of 2017 can wind down smoothly.  I've had my fill of drama, stress  loss.

Until tomorrow.

Cya...

Restating...

There's another dating site in the news.  It specializes in "Gay Sugar Daddies" looking healthy, younger men.   The site is trying to discourage/ban HIV+ people from being on it.  This has a lot of people screaming & boohooing.   Not me.

Let your flag fly.  Whether that be freak, bigot, picky or whatever.  I'd rather know upfront if a person is a bigot about whatever.  Or if they don't find this or that attractive or acceptable.  I like not having to wade through their crap list later.

So, they don't want to date people of color, religion or + status.  So what?  That's their right.   Stop whining & take it for the win it is.  These people are telling you what they're like from the get go.  Appreciate that & move on with your life.

Cya....

2 Articles...

I found 2 articles today.  I won't go into detail on them,  They're fairly straight forward.  The 1st article, states there is basically no hope left for those living with HIV in Venezuela.   The country has been in a horrible situation for years, both socially & economically.   People are dying due to the lack of HIV medications.  Few, if any, meds are available for them.

The 2nd article, is about how the insurer Aetna, exposed the HIV status of thousands via transparent windows in envelopes sent to patients.   Now, anyone who saw those letters may very well know their status.  Many of whom had not disclosed their situations to anyone.

This is life with HIV for some.  I'm fortunate, it's not my life.

Cya...