Some mornings I'm lucky & there's nothing really going through my mind. I'm just focused or unfocused on getting around. I prefer those mornings.
If not, I'm thinking & usually that's not a good thing in the morning. Everything that ever bothered or scared me is looming. I know everything that never happened, that did happen & what will never be. Every fear, slight, anxiety is right there in the room with me. It leaves me shaken. Sometimes I'm scared, but that doesn't last long. I'm usually just numb & anxious at that same time.
These things fade as I start moving, but they never completely go away. I know there are things I'll never have. I've never really felt secure or that I was in the right place. I've done what I can for others, but I never seem to be able to do for myself.
If I was told after I went to sleep some night the world would end, I'd be OK with that. I'm here, but I've never felt part of it. It impacts me, but not really by my choice. It'd all be gone & I'd miss precious little & even less would notice I was gone.
Sometimes, it feels like my life was a very rough draft of someone's badly written, very typical story. No good parts, very few ups to match the horrible downs. My life is closer to a dark absurdity than a tragedy. Just a lot of stress, fear & running bad jokes.
It's getting brighter. My mood will lighten until tomorrow. Mornings truly are dreadful.
Cya...
PS - Happy Spring...
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