For the last several years, I've felt off & not as well as I should. It's never been a solid thing I could ID & there were always other more pressing issues. I'd tried to get rest & get through it. The last couple of years have been harder, but again there was a lot of stuff to handle. Since September it's been a cascade of issues & appointments. I really hoped by now, most of this crap would be off our plate, but it isn't.
Spring is coming & that means seasonal issues; benefit renewals, storms, yard work, etc... Everything else is still hanging on & not getting settled. I'm doing my best.
SAD has been a real issue this year. I was hoping it had passed for now, it hadn't. For a while I've woke jolty several times during the night & almost every morning. This is exhausting & takes so much from what little I had left just to get my morning started.
I need things to stop, to be over, at least for a little while. No more waiting, getting things fixed, piles of unknowns or difficult idiots. I'm not fine & I'm not even sure what my best is anymore. I'm spent & need to be done.
A lot of times, I wish I'd never made it into adulthood. It had nothing to offer that I needed or wanted. I wonder what if I'd died at a midnight showing of Rocky, spinning under a disco ball at the rink or even dancing under the lights at a club. That would've been a good ending. Instead I'll probably die in some disgustingly substandard, abysmally predictable hellhole.
It's dark out & supposed to storm. The upcoming week looks to be the same. Here comes more SAD & cortisol. Even if the sun did shine, it wouldn't matter, too much shit is still there & not going anywhere. Being this tired, swamped by BS & dealing with this life is more than I can handle. I don't need a refund or exchange, I just want it all gone.
There's my murky morning rant.
Cya...
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