The best I can be about things at the moment is ambivalent. I think I'm more honest in the mornings. I'm not awake enough to put on the charade of the living. I'm not looking to die, but living doesn't seem to offer much better options. I'm not looking forward to anything & I haven't in a while.
If I look forward, I only see things being worse off than they are now. That's not a pleasant thought. If I look back, I get depressed over things I've lost & bad decisions I made. So, I try to stay in the right here & now. Unfortunately, that's not easy. We have to make plans months out. We have to worry about upcoming events. Then there's things like Youtube dragging me back to my teens.
The now's a hard place to stay. I'm not saying the now is safe. But, at least I might be able to do something about the now. Then things start picking at the now.
I keep seeing people who got me through my childhood & teens getting older. They're not those people. In my head Cyndi Lauper looks just like she did when I saw her, Fun Tour, on October 7, 1984 In Tulsa, OK at Mohawk Park. It was the same weekend as OKon. It was a fun, weird weekend with people I haven't seen in decades.
Now I see Cyndi & the reality sets in on me. Yesterday, I saw the Marty Krofft had passed. Him & his brother made my childhood a lot easier, happier & brighter. At least he got to see the 1st Krofft Con. I hope he heard Tra La La on the way out. Goodbye Mr Krofft & thanks for all the laughs.
The future is depressing, the past is lost & the now is damned difficult. Sometimes opting out seems very sensible. Like the song says, stop the world. Don't worry about me, I'll be able to fake it all in a moment or so after a little more caffeine.
Cya...
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