Past Worker

I had a visit from my last social worker today. She is no longer working for Human Services.  Good for her, maybe not so much for me.  I'd known this worker for a while, in fact I had worked with her in another office before going on disability.   Was she the best social worker in the world?  Probably not, but we all make mistakes & things always seemed to work out in the end. 

However, she had been at the job for over eleven years & the toll was mounting.  She had been considered a good employee for most of her time at the office, but recently they hired a new supervisor.   Apparently this woman has some serious issues with just about everyone.  Word had it, that the new supervisor is a WEE bit on the overly motivated side.   Ambitions, she has them.

After the arrival of the new supervisor my worker slid down the proverbial totem pole quickly.  Apparently this new supervisor had some plans that my worker just didn't fit into at all.  From sabotage to aggression the atmosphere in the office was toxic.  So my worker left.

That means I'm on to a new one.  I hate this.  You never know what you'll get.  I hate games like roulette & that is exactly what I'm playing now.  Hopefully, I'll get a worker that is at least competent, sane & not belligerent. That may not sound like that high of standards, but I've had ones that were mean, rude & outright drunk.

My old worker is on the job prowl now & I wish her well.  I hope that if any of you out there have to deal with similar people in your lives that they are competent & kind.

Still Blah, But I Have Videos

The weather is still crapping out here today.  Not sure how long it's going to last, but I hope it goes away soon.  I feel very lethargic & disinterested in most things.  This isn't a good scene for me .  Not much to write about today.  This atmospheric crap plays hell with my coughing & aches.  I feel twice my age & like I never stopped smoking.  I feel that when I don't have anything good to say I should probably look & see if I have anything informative to say & if not I'll move on to the next thing.

So, this is me moving on to the next thing...

This is a song I heard a couple of seasons ago on CSI & have never managed to track down.  Love the song.

A video I like.

I'll end with a woman I love.  Joan is the bomb.  Here's to a great song.

Hope these songs will help you get who I am & put you in a happy place.

Rainy, Dreary Day

I am not a fan of wet, dreary days.  I pretty much despise them.  They're not dark enough to really turn on the lights, but too dark not to.  They won't commit to full out rain or stop misting all together.  They are just annoyingly damp & dank.  

This weather has pretty much done me in physically & mentally.  I just want to go back to bed & wait until the sun comes out again.  Whoever is praying for the rain, either needs to do it with more conviction & actually get some real rain or quit altogether.

Dreary weather is just that dreary.  I hope you have fair skies wherever you are today.

Judges 2.0

Yesterday I posted about my ex roomie.  He was someone I used to consider a friend, a rather unfortunate one, but still a friend.  He was unfortunate because he was always down on himself.  He thought of himself as ugly.  Truth be told he wasn't ugly, rather plain & unremarkable yes, but not ugly.  At least not physically.

He used his alleged bad looks to justify anything that had ever gone wrong in his life.   He was a very judgy person & as much as he judged himself, he was far more critical on others.  Any action he found questionable was reason to be criticized.  He's one of those people who thinks that every rich or famous person out there that just happens to be gay is obligated to come out & speak for all the world to see.   He feels that it is their responsibility to turn their lives into big, gay pride spectacles, all the while he remains fairly closeted himself.  Hypocrite!

I was never a prudish type & had my fair share of sexual encounters.  I was gregarious, outgoing & not at all a wallflower.  I used to try to take him out with me, but it always became a chore & then when he did tag along, no one had any fun.  He would bitch, gripe & most of all judge everyone else at the bar.  His judgments were always so obviously a means of trying to make himself feel better by putting others down.

When I was living with him, I'd always hear things about myself from people I really didn't know.  I'd ask them  who had told them that & eventually it would always lead back to my ex roomie.  I'd confront him & of course he'd deny it.  Coward.   I eventually told the people he worked with that they might want to get together & talk amongst themselves to see what all my ex rommie had said about them to the others.  That brought some hell down on his head.  HA.

When I was diagnosed as +, he made serious promises to help out, like that ever happened.  The only thing he did do, was to use my diagnosis as a new way to judge me.  I must be a bad person or else I wouldn't have gotten to be +.  Total BS.  I am +.  It is my responsibility that I am +.  I thought playing safe was good enough & it wasn't.  However, my diagnosis has nothing to with my morality or ethics.

Being +, no matter how a person came to be of that status, is not a reflection on that individual's worth.  Yes, he/she may have gotten to be + from cheating on a spouse, doing IV drugs or by being rampantly promiscuous, but that still doesn't make the fact they happen to be + a value judgement on their character.  Those other things may be used by some to judge these people, but being + isn't a character flaw.

Even if my ex roomie hadn't moved out on his own accord, his behavior & judgmental nature were already sending me out the door.  My current roomie & I were already making plans on the matter.  You can't stay in a place where someone feels so morally superior to you hat they feel it is their obligation & right to constantly criticize & condemn you.  

I don't have any funny captions for this entry or video clips.  The judges aren't worth my attempts to be funny or witty.  To hell with them.  May your lives be as judgement free as possible.

So Called Friends

People face a lot of crap when they find out that they are +, or for that matter, have any other serious or potentially terminal illness.  There are all the straight forward things like the illness itself, the process of being treated & of course the $ issues.  There's the frustration of the situation.  Trying to figure out what's going on.  Is this real?  Am I going to die?  How will I possibly get through this?

Then all the other issues start to hit.  Can I keep working?  If not, what will I do?  Can I get on disability? How long will that take?  What will my friends & family think?  Will they be there to help me, if I need it?

These are scary questions.  You may lose your job & there goes your insurance.  You may not qualify for disability & as I've mentioned before that process is nightmarish & humiliating.  You may've helped those close to you through all kinds of hell, but once the crap is in your corner, a lot of people forget all about how you helped them out in the past. 

You may find yourself alone, without any notable resources & unsure how you're going to get through today, let alone tomorrow.  But the fact is there are still worse things to deal with to come.  On of them is what I'd like to talk about today, the "Alleged Friend" or the Divulger. 

A lot of my friends are no longer in my life.  My family hadn't been in life for years before I was diagnosed as +.   Most of my friends were from college & had gone their own ways.  I moved to a mostly unfamiliar area to help out a friend whose mother had just passed away.  He wasn't handling being alone well. I moved in & got a job did what I could.

A couple of years later my health declined & I lost my job. I had been tested for HIV & never turned out +.  I hadn't had sex with any one since before my last two tests.  I thought I was clean.  Turns out that I finally spent over eight hours in an ER & they ran another test & I was +.  Apparently some people take longer to show as + then others.

I was seriously ill & definitely thought it might just be better to die, than to continue on feeling like I did.  I could barely walk, stay awake, eat & I never felt warm.  Everything in my life was a challenge.  It took over a year to get onto any meds & by that time I was far worse off.  Add to that, the only clinic that would see me wanted 50$ every time I came through the door.  Luckily my now roomie,  had the $ to help me out.  She was the one who took me to all my appointments & paid for the things I needed.  My Then roommate, who I'd moved down to help out, couldn't be bother to do anything.

What my Then roommate could do, was to run his damn big mouth.  Some how, everyone I talked to already knew I was +.  They told me how fortunate I was to have my Then roommate as my friend.  My Then roommate had told everyone, everything about my health situation & had painted himself out to be a freaking saint.  He tried to hork glory, notoriety & sympathy off of my being ill.  This whole situation had become entirely about him.  What an ass.  Unfortunately, at that time I was fairly trapped in the situation & he knew it.

This lasted until he found a boyfriend, who was allegedly bothered by my + status & my Then roommate hit the road.  What I really think happened was, that he had horked all the attention off of my illness that he could & moved on to the next thing in his life. Good riddance.

The point is that there are people in your life who are going to try & make the bad things in your life, theirs or at least mostly about them.  Get rid of these people.  They are one of the worse things that can happen to you.  They will only help you if it gets them something in return.  They can only bring you down & make the situation worse.  Kick these people to the curb.  Your illness, your bad thing is just that, yours, not anyone else's. Don't let these people try to monopolize your misfortune.  They are vultures & as soon as they've gotten all they can out of the situation, they will move on to the next one.

If you are +, terminal or just in a bad place you don't need any one bringing you further down just to build themselves up.  Here's hoping you have real friends & genuine support in your life.

Limbo

I've been a little frantic lately while I tried to get things from Social Security to turn into Human services.  I was even getting to be a bit apologetic about it, but my roomie pointed out that I shouldn't have been making apologies for anything.  For any of you not in my situation, you really can't understand the stress of the renewal process.

Every year I have to renew my applications for state disability, medicaid & food stamps (SNAP) & at any time any one of these applications could screw up & leave me in a really bad place.  My medical bills & medications are huge, the state disability just barely covers my dental insurance & the $ from SNAP means I eat.

This isn't like in college, where if my financial aid application screwed up, I could survive long enough to get it fixed.   There is no surviving a screw up of this magnitude for me.  I don't have the $1,500+ a month for medical & medication.  I don't have an extra  $45+ to cover the dental. I certainly don't have the extra $150 to cover food.  This $ is my entire means of sustenance & survival.  So, yes I get nervous when it could get screwed with for any reason.

As for all those people who think that these programs should be cut, or even eliminated, I sincerely hope that you never find yourself in a place to need them.  The process of getting declared disabled was hellish & it determined whether or not I could qualify for all the state programs.  I worked for years, but most of the work I did was through the universities I attended.  They never paid in on the social security & I didn't qualified for enough credits to get on Medicare.  I was working real jobs on these campuses, not just work study.  

If there is a way for the government to screw you over & make things harder, it will find the way.  Nothing with the government is ever easy or pleasant.  The workers act as if you are trying to steal their personal $.  They make food stamp applicants feel like worthless crap & heaven help you if you have to apply for Medicaid.   You can just forget medical assistance from the state unless you've been declared disabled, then they only do it grudgingly.  

I am now back to that time of year when social workers get to have their jollies at my expense.  I realize that a lot of people try to scam the system, but I shouldn't have to pay for their issues.  These social workers should be forced to rotate to new jobs every couple of years to avoid some of their burn out & crappy attitude.

Monday, I'll turn all the paper work in & wait & hope.  If all goes well, I'll see a social worker within a month & maybe, just maybe, she'll be in a good mood & all will go well.

Hope you guys have a good day.

OMG

Found this pic at Sodahead & it totally fits the way I feel.  Apparently the short bus got to the Social Security office early today.  I actually got my forms in the mail.  I count myself lucky for this one, cause I told myself if the form didn't arrive today I was going to have to go down there & wait for it to be handed directly to me.  A simple enough thing.  So simple, it might've only kept me there waiting for an hour or two.

I know I've been ranting about this for days, but it's been a pain.  Now I'll have to go make copies of everything & then on Monday go down to Human Services & hope they don't screw me over while I drop these things off.  I hate going to or dealing with any government office, it's always a major pain.

I know this is becoming a bore, so I'll let it go.  Here's hoping you don't have any run-ins with government types anytime soon.

Still Waiting

I am still waiting here in Limbo for the folks at the Social Security office to send  me the papers I need to send to the people at Human Services.  OK, I already don't play well with others.  Now I have someone turning something perfectly simple liking mailing a letter that's been requested twice, into an herculean task.

This thing has put part of my life on hold & quite frankly is adding far more stress than it should.  All I needed was for one little bureaucrat to push a send button.  Apparently that was way too much to ask of those people.   Apparently the short bus is the main means of employee transport to the Social Security office.

The problem is that there is a limit to how much I can do to facilitate this matter.  If you push too hard these people get pissed & might well sabotage your request.  That'd be just great to add their intentional screwing up to their already crappy performance.  If these people ever really tried, they'd probably blow up the world.

Oh well, my rant is over for now.  Hopefully it'll get here tomorrow.  

Have a good day everyone.

Waiting

As I've said before, I hate waiting.  I suck at it. But here I am again waiting.  I'm waiting for a letter from the Social Security to prove to Human Services how much I make.  A fact, I know damn well they already have on their computers.  They're just be asshats & making me jump through hopes because their bored and/or sadistic.

I'm trying to get better, but all the while I'm dealing with this annoyance.  My roomie called for the same letter a bit before I did & has already gotten hers two days ago.  This hasn't left me in the most pleasant of moods.  I hate waiting.

I hope that all those people out there who make me wind up waiting, spend their entire afterlife in an endless line at the DMV.  May they join Sisyphus on that hill.  I have no tolerance for those who make me wait for no good reason.  I have little patience for those with good reason.

So here I am doing an odd interpretation of a Depeche Mode song & I'm waiting for the mail to come, I know that it will save us all....

Hopefully you're not having to wait for someone today.

Windy Day

I was starting to feel more normal.  That was until we went out to run some errands then there was the wind.  If I had known how windy it was I would've opted to wait until tomorrow.  The wind seemed to suck the breath right out of me.  The errands weren't as productive as we'd hoped they be, but there's always tomorrow.  

We have a little cat who refuses to give up her outdoor ways.  That is unless it's not optimal sunning weather.  If it's too hot, too bright, too cold, too humid, raining, sleeting or anything else that might interfere with her sunning then she is all too happy to sleep away the hours on the foot of my bed.

Her name is Alice & she is a most particular & vocal kitty.  She lets you know what she wants & what she doesn't want.  One thing she doesn't want is anything to do with the wind.   She's not very big, maybe 4 pounds at her heavy winter weight whens she's doing her impression of a overstuffed sausage.  Most of the time she's probably just around 3 pounds.

The rest of the day will be spent inside for the both of us.  I'm not really any happier with this wind then she is.

Here's hoping all of you are having a good day wherever you are.

Revenge of the Meds

I was prescribed Azithromycin for my sinusitis & it has helped with that.  However, it seems as though I am in the 01% of the population again & have had what they consider a rare reaction to it.  This stuff was like taking bad speed.  Since I took the medication, I have been anxious, pulse racing & had a rapid heart beat.  This was not listed on the meds, so I googled it & viola there it was, a whole slew of responses to the drug & anxiety or racing pulse.

At first, I thought I'd drank too much caffeine, so I backed off the tea & soda.  No change.  I got through the meds yesterday & I'm still anxious today.  I called my regular pharmacist & asked if this could be an interaction with my HIV meds.  I was informed no it was not an interaction, but less than 01% reported similar reactions to the med as I had described.  

It's funny, it seems like every time they give me a new drug & I have a reaction to it, I'm in that 01%.  However, when I research the matter online I find tons on people who are reacting in the same way I am.  That's one whopping 01%.  I find it difficult to believe.  That's why I always do my best to research my meds so I can know what to expect from them.  It's up to you to look up your meds & know what they could possibly do to you.  If you are having a reaction, google it & see if someone else is as well.  They might have found something to help with the problem.

The pharmacist told me that since I'd already finished the meds the effects should be lessening & if not, to call my Dr.  Hopefully it won't come to that, but we'll see.  On top of all that I received mail today telling me it's time to refile for all my assistance programs.  This is always a pain in the ass.  It's really not that bad.  It's just a matter of getting all the paper work & filling out all the forms & then waiting.  It's just stressful to think they could just cut everything & then I'd be screwed.  I realize I'm anxious & this is just standard but it's still stressful & annoying.  

Here's hoping the rest of you out there are having a less anxious day than me.

Just About

I took my last azithromycin today & I am starting to feel human again, not totally great, but better.  This getting sick stuff is a nasty event for me.   It's bad enough whenever it's just me feeling off, but when it's bad enough for me to actually go to the Dr., I hate it.

A trip to the Dr. for someone who is +, can be a nerve wracking event, even if it's just to go get lab reviews.  You can already know the results but that doesn't alleviate the nervous feeling that they could still come up with something bad to tell you.  

They could tell you that you labs were done wrong & need to be redrawn, that you misread your labs & that there is something wrong with you or they could tell you that they are no longing making your medication.  Or the least funny one for me so far is,  "Oh the reason you are having problems breathing is because you're allergic to retrovir & it's killing all your red-blood cells."  My Dr. at the time, told me this one with a straight face & then suggested that I might want to go to the emergency room but it was entirely up to me. 

Let me get this;  I can't breathe because the meds  you put me on are destroying my red blood cells.  Those red blood cells carry oxygen to the lungs.  I might, just might, want to go the ER.  That one is no longer my Dr.  I wound up in the hospital over the weekend receiving  three units of blood & getting breathing treatments.   All of this could've been avoided if the Dr. had done more blood work.

As you see, I dread seeing Dr.s.  They are always to unpredictable.  It's always the what-ifs when dealing with a Dr. visit.  But I  lucked out this time & it was just a sinus/upper respiratory thing.  But it could've been pneumonia or something else.  As much as I hate going to the Dr. it is the best way  I have of not letting anything progress too far.

I hope for all of you reading this, that your health is good & you keep things in check.  As much as it may undesirable, a doctor's visit can make life easier.

On The Mend

Day 4 out of 5 for my antibiotics & I am starting to feel somewhat normal again.  I'm still shaky & coughing some, but everything's a lot better than it was.  Hopefully I can avoid any relapses.  This was the sickest I've been in a bit, probably about three years.  Hope it takes at least that long, preferably longer, to return.  

It's not easy being sick,.  It isn't like the rest of the world just stops & lets you recuperate.  No, it insists on going on with everything as if your illness just really didn't matter at all.   Maybe it doesn't to any one else but you & those close to you, but it'd be nice if the world just slowed down for you once in a while.

My neighbors are embracing spring & I am cussing them for it.  The mowing is bringing more allergy hell to my doorstep.  Their kids are running a muck, whatever that is.  This morning I wake to find a garage has popped up over night in my neighbor's yard.  Can we say, "Yippie"?

This is all bad enough without being + on top of everything else.  Every condition is complicated by HIV & aggravated by the meds you take to deal with being +. Being + doesn't happen in a vacuum & it augments just about everything in your life, especially when you get sick.

Enough with the moaning.  I am well on my way to feeling better & being in a better mood.  That should mean my posts will be improving as well, we'll see about that.  So here's to you all having a happy & hopefully healthy day.

OMG Screw Up

I can not believe I didn't notice this before, I used the wrong date.  It is January 03, 2001, January 03, 2000, Correcting this shouldn't screw up to much.  I hope.

Day 3

I am now on day 3 of my 5 day antibiotic pack.  Hopefully, I will feel back to normal sometime soon.  My arms are still shaky & sore, so typing is a pain.  Since, I really don't feel all that great I'll leave everyone with someone equally wrong feeling.  Enjoy

St. Pats

It's St. Pat's but don't expect too much happy out of me.  However, it is a holiday for some & therefore I'll at least make a small posting.

Here's a shamrock for you.  I'm not that into St. Pat's but I will make my wishes.  For all you that read this I wish:

1. You have your health
2. Your burden is never too heavy
3. Your friends are loyal
4. You see it isn't too Annie-ish to hope for tomorrow
5. You have as much green beer as you can handle 

I'm stopping with a short list in honor of leprechauns, which are short.

I'll end with this toast; 

Dance as if no one were watching

Sing as if no one were listening

& live every day as if it were you last

D Day

Well the health thing bottomed out today.  Last night was pure hell, with lot's of coughing, turning, aching, fevers, more coughing, shivering, not so much on sleep. This morning I got out of bed.  That makes it sound far more deliberate than it actually was, not to mention far more coordinated.  My entire body ached & my equilibrium was shot.  

My roomie had appointments of her own today but decided it was a good idea that I go to the doctor & I didn't think that I could drive.  So I spent over an hour to be told that I am not dying but do have a nasty upper respiratory infection.  Which led me to have to wait for a script to be filled at Walmart.  The only two good things about Walmart pharmacy are the facts it's located near the door & has seating.  After having a D (doctor) day & going to hellmart, I come home & take the meds.   I fairly much pass out for about an hour & a half.  

It's getting near bed & I decided to write my entry for this day & I've come to some conclusions.

1. I hate Dr.'s offices
2. I'm grateful for my roomie driving me about
3. I hate that Dr.'s overbook appointments
4. I'm glad I got the meds
5. I hate the fact antibiotics give me diarrhea
6. I'm hopeful this crap will pass in a day or two
7. I'm tired of being tired
8. I will be ever so grateful for a good night's sleep
9. I hate the ice cream truck that blared by today
10. I am thankful things weren't worse

There I bitched & appreciated.  To all of you out there, I hope this finds you in a good place & may you all get a good night's rest.

Not With It

Still not feeling all the well. I'm better today then I was, but still not great.  I'm not sure the last time I really felt great.  That isn't something I think I've felt since long before I was +.  The night was better but the morning has been a drag with a lot of coughing & throat clearing.

We have several cats & this morning they were in full out pissy fest.   I hate the noise of a growling cat, it's like a really obnoxious alarm clock.   There was growling, hissing & in a lot of cat style hell-raising.  I could've gladly sacrificed them all to some god of health or quiet this morning.

Needless to say, my mood is questionable. So I'll stroke my inner Virgo today & make a list. This a list of thing that I am tired of this morning.

1. Squalling cats
2. Post Nasal Drip
3. Endless coughing
4. Sore ribs that came from the endless coughing
5. Local news people who like extras from a George Romero movie
6. Endless reruns due to sports shows
7. Sports shows
8. Big businesses complaining how bad they have it
9. Aflac for hiring Gilbert Gottfried & Alflac for firing Gottfried
10. Politicians of any breed, flavor or variety

There are only ten & believe I could on, but I won't.  I feel a little better.  Virgos do love their lists.  Maybe you should make a list today.  It could be things you hate, things you love, things that make you wonder WTF, or whatever you want it to be about.

Sucky Night

Every so often my body feels the need to remind me that I am not the healthiest of people.  Last night was one of those times.  I've going on about allergies lately & the awfulness of those things, but it can escalate & it did.  

Since last Thursday I've been dealing with annoying post nasal drip & allergy issues.  Saturday found me feeling none too well, but I thought all I needed was a good night's sleep.  Then a little thing that I like to call the "Time Change" happened & stole an hour of my precious sleep.  So Sunday, I drudge around like the living dead.  Again I thought if I can get a good night's sleep I'll get through this.

Hah, allergies & post nasal drip conspired with crappy weather & I woke up in the middle of the night vacillating between a shaky feverish blur to a chilly chattering mess with a severe case of the shivers.  Not to be outdone my throat decides it needs to send me into a series of coughing fits.  There goes my good night's sleep.

This morning found me at Walmart doing shopping I really didn't feel up to, but reasoned I might feel worse the next day.  My crappy physical health was assaulted by Walmart's most uninviting atmosphere of blazing white & the annoyance of socially retarded shoppers.  Sorry, if that term isn't PC but it is the most apt descriptor of those people I can use without breaking out into a stream of cuss words & various other unwelcome epithets. 

At least that is done & hopefully I can get to the business of getting past this crappy health spell I'm in at the moment.  I hope you find yourselves doing well & in good health.

Judges

We all have people in our lives who judge us & most of them probably are not in a position that we actually have to tolerate it.  Other than parents when we're younger, employers & some governmental types we really don't have to give a damn what anyone else thinks of us or our actions.  Yet, we constantly listen to them nag, judge & criticize.

The video above uses the example of gaming & having an active online life.  Yes, I said life.  I may not agree with how much some people spend invested in online activities, but it really isn't any of my business & no one is forcing me to participate.  There are people out that there who will try to shame you for gaming.  They've even developed terms for it, gamer shame or closeted gamer.  There are those that rail against Facebook & call it a stupid waste of time or outright evil.

These people gripe about anything to do with any type of gaming or online activity. Why, when these people are usually the same ones that treat football like it was sacrosanct? They go after those people who like video games & pursue more advance personal technologies.  Why?  Who knows.  The better question is why does any gamer or techie even care what these people think?

You need to realize that these people are going to gripe & judge no matter what you do.  If you quit gaming or hide your online activity you're just giving into them & allowing them to control your life.  Yes, of course there are those individuals out there who take things to far, but those people are in every walk of life.  If your significant other rags on your gaming or facebook page, then you really need to find a new significant other.  

What, you think dumping someone for bitching about your gaming is harsh.  No, no it isn't. These people will not stop with your gaming.  They will continue until they have completely rewritten your life they way they want it to be.  Then they'll probably have the nerve to dump you & say that you aren't the same person they fell for when you met.

Even if they don't continue & try to utterly recast you, they have still tried to remove something from your life that you enjoyed.  They attacked your "you time".  These people can only get away with this if you let them, so stop letting them.  Let them know that is this part of your life & it isn't going to change & if they can't handle the door is over there, use it.

We all have enough crap in our lives without someone trying to take away our past times, hobbies & de-stressers.   Even if they don't appear to be so, the people who judge & go after other people's fun time are usually miserable, selfish, & fake people.  They have no grounds to judge you.  They have no right to judge you.  If what you're doing isn't a danger to you or others, then to hell with them.  

A lot of people will try to make you feel that you shouldn't play games if you over ten years old.  They tell you to grow up already.  Where does it say that adults can't have fun?  Where does it say adults can't play games?  If there is a place out that says anything even remotely like that, then it's full of crap.  Hold onto your games, your facebooks pages or whatever else helps you get through the day.  

Happy Gaming

Happy Blogging

Happy Facebooking

Happy whatever else might just make you smile & let go of a little stress

PND

For a few days now I have been dealing the problems brought my allergens in my area.  Now I can take my allergy pills & they help quite a bit.  I can even use allergy eye drops.  Still there is one thing that these medicines do little for & that is post nasal drip. 

Take all the meds you want & drink water to you overfloweth & it still won't get rid of PND.  You're stuck drinking hot tea & sucking on cough drops or hard candies trying to get this crap out of your throat.

You can cough & hack but nothing budges.  You feel like you're about to drown in these nasal secretions.  You can't swallow or breathe very well.  Some people use nettie pots, I'm not that brave & I hate nasal sprays.  They do horrible things to my nose & throat.

So what's left?  Not much, except to tough it out & to try control your allergies.  Good luck with that.  I'm not alone in this either.  My roomie has allergy issues & so do our cats.  

Neither cats nor people with allergies are pretty.  The cats are prone to eye drainage & successions of rapid fire sneezes & utter blahs notable even for a cat.

So, here is to all those hateful little spores & pollen particles that cause allergies, going straight to hell where they can spread there specific kind of misery.  I know the pollen is needed to make plants grow.   But you'd think the plants could be a little more considerate & make their pollen hypoallergenic.

Almost Over

Well winter is almost gone & daylight saving time is on the horizon.  Am I ready for spring? Yes.  I hate the grass & all the bugs, but this winter has been a total pain.  It started weird before it even got going.  It never really felt like the holiday season this year.  Usually I'm the type to have presents bought before October, but this year I forgot to get anything until just before the holiday.  I did the typical things I do for the holidays, but it still didn't really feel like anything different.  It's like the holidays sent an imposter & took a day off themselves.

After that the real nasty cold set in for the duration.  Oklahoma got colder this year & had more snow & ice than it has had in a long time.  It was a difficult winter, things just kept going wrong.  It was some type of seasonal conspiracy.

I don't have a lot to say today, but I do want to say a farewell to the season.  Hopefully next year when it comes back it won't be such a bitch.  So, hello spring, here comes the sun, the bugs, the grass, in other words another type of hell, but this one is green.  I'm never happy.  Here's a little welcome for spring.

Then & Now

That was then & this is now.  Powerful, sometimes meaningless words.  They've been used to describe every type of situation we can get ourselves into that over time has changed in some fundamental way.  It really doesn't matter if the change was really all that earth shattering, only that it felt that way to us.  They tell us that hindsight is 20/20.  I don't think so.

I've found a blog site & contest, that has pictures of people repeating poses in pictures taken long ago.  It's a fun site, check it out.  Even though some of these people try very hard, the pictures are never the same.  Even if they could fit into the exact same clothes & find the right props & places, it wouldn't be the same.  That moment captured in the original picture is gone, for some, long gone.  Some of the props are lost, some of the places are now history themselves.  But, it is fun to pay homage to the past once in a while.

Back to the hindsight thing.  I used to tell myself if I could go & I would do this & that different.  Finally, I realized that there was very little I could change in my life that would seriously alter the outcome.  Maybe I wouldn't have become + when I did, but I might have at a later date.  Wishes & ought-to-be's can be really self-defeating & hurtful.  Like it or not this is the proverbial world we live in & time for that matter.  We just have to deal with all those cliche cards that have been dealt to us.

I've figured out five things I'd write to my past self if I could send my younger self a letter.  The first one would be to learn to let go.  I am a Virgo & I really hate change & I'm not to big a fan of surprises either.  There are so many times when I should've let go of the proverbial rope & trusted that I would land safely somewhere better.  This was the time in my life when I should've said, " I am a leaf on the wind, watch me soar."  Instead I clung to hells I knew fearing the ones I didn't.

Next, I would've told myself to have some faith.  Faith in myself mostly.  Faith in my judgment & my abilities.  I let too many others tell me I couldn't do things or that things would be too hard on me.  I later learned that I could do those things even if they weren't the easiest things in the world to do. I could've stayed in math when I was younger.  I could've got a slightly harder job to get me through.  There are simply too many I could haves to count.

Try a little harder would've been my next bit of advice,  I skated through life & school.  I never really tried at anything.  I'd never seen anyone in my life try to do anything except con people & take griping to an art form. I could've pushed & been a much better student, artist & yes a person.  I'm not trying put myself down, but I really have no idea what I could've done with my life, because I never really tried.

No is not such a bad word, would be my next nugget of self-directed wisdom.  I used to hate to hear the word "No".  I took it as a rejection, a judgement, a criticism...  All these negative things were invariably pointed my direction.  I hated to say no to people almost as much as I hated hearing it myself.  This got me in a lot of sticky situations.  I finally realized something about the word no, it was powerful & empowering.  It was liberating & sometimes quite kind.  There are times we should be told no & others when that no is actually a not now, but maybe later.

I have come to believe in the idea of bad luck being good & good luck being bad.  My talent for learning was actually not as much a blessing as I had thought it was when I was younger.  Because of it I never pushed myself.  Maybe if learning had been more difficult for me I would've valued it & my accomplishments a bit more.  Some people should not win the lottery, all that $ may seem like a blessing, but for many it will actually turn out to be far more of a burden. Luck or fortune are pretty ambivalent.  You may think you've just hit the jackpot, but you have no idea what's around the bin.  Fortune is largely in one's perspective & willingness to thankful.

The last thing I would tell myself is to hold on to myself & my dreams, but not to be afraid to let them change & grow as I did.  So many of us get stuck in these ideas we create for ourselves when were young, that we can't see that those are no longer our dreams.  That those goals were unrealistic or potentially even harmful.  Our dreams are alive & must grow with us or else they'll just hold us back in a time that no longer exists.  We can't be like the Carl from UP, our dreams must evolve.

That is the advice I would give my younger self if I could.  What would you tell your younger self?

Letting Go

I am a Virgo, therefore a creature of habit.  I am the person that stayed at the crappy job way too long, simply because I was used to it.  I am the person that stayed involved with someone just because the situation was familiar like an old shoe.  I get into habits, like what I want to eat, when I do this or that or what I watch on TV.  I've been coming to terms with that last one lately.  I have decided that Mondays nights suck for TV, at least for me, unless I go to serious rerun land.  

 

I've been watching House for years & up until the last two seasons I've found it fairly fun.  Harry's Law was something new by David E. Kelly who I usually like.  Chicago Code, well it was on in between so I tried to watch it.

Chicago Code turned out to be a show entirely built on stereotypes & stock imagery, boring & loud.  BTW, making something loud, doesn't make it less boring, it just ups to the annoyance factor.  Harry's Law started out promising.  I love the characters, but there really isn't any story.  It's more like a lot of bad Saturday Night Live skits & dramatic improv sewn together.  Maybe season two will be better, i'm willing to look back at later if it makes it to a second season.

Now House is the problem for me.  It has become a habit, comfortable & expected.  Lately though they have slaughtered my show with poorly written slop.  There are tons of places to catch up with what's going on with the show if you don't watch it, so I won't recap.  The point is that one of my fav shows is going down the tube & I have to decide will I commit to watching the death throws or will I make like a rat & abandon ship.  Before, I would've stayed loyal & complained all the way.  Now, I'm not so sure.  I'm willing to give the show a chance to dig itself out of the steaming pile they've buried themselves in, but not too much of one.  

This may not sound like much of a revelation to you, but for me it is.  It's another place in my life where I can take out the proverbial trash.  I am not willing to watch shows that I really don't like. If I feel compelled to look at it, I will do so online where I can fast forward through the crap scenes.  I hope House improves, but if it doesn't it won't be the end of the world.  It's just a TV show & no longer that good of one.  My life won't end if I break this habit.  Hell, it'll probably just make room for me to get a new one.  See that's the thing we habitual folks may trade habits but we rarely, if ever, entirely get rid of them.  

Seems like my Monday nights may soon be open, maybe I'll catch up on my Netflix list or something else I need to do, who knows.  

Our Taste For The Questionable

Everyday in the news we are shown how badly people can act.  It isn't that other people don't act well, it's just that on the whole we really don't care about people who arent' misbehaving.

Charlie Sheen is a prime example.  He's partied some hard for so long that he's lost his looks & his teeth.  Now he looks more like this.

Charlie had a lot going for him & still he opted for some seriouslly poor choices. I"m not trying to judge him.  I don't know what's going on in his life, but I will say this type of a behavior is unacceptable for man who has children.  Sadly, as bad as the behavior might be, it's perfect for getting all the wrong kinds of attention.

Between 24 hour news, online tabloids, Twitter & Facebook we now have the ability to know way too much about other people's lives far easier & quicker than we ever did before this age of  twitter hounds.  

Paris Hilton, Briney Spears, Lindsey Lohan & a host of other fallen stars & celebutantes are fodder for the news & our sick desire to see people fall in demoralizing ball of flames.  I don't blame any of the tabloid websites or TV shows.  It's not there fault.  This is a business & we as a people have been willing to pay the seedy side of life for centuries.  As long as people care what this star did to that one in bed, what drugs that singer did with this model's husband or any other garbage being displayed by some sort of celebrity then this business will be profitable & in this economy, any way to make a buck is better than none.

People gripe about this all the time.  They say they don't like this behavior or these actions taken by people they usually have absolutely no association with at all.  If they really don't like it, then they should stop paying to see it, stop buying the magazines or stop supporting the advertisers that supports these shows or publications.  You as a consumer hold the purse strings & you can cut these people off.  Take away the $ & you take away the interest to produce these materials.  

Do I think that will ever happen?  No. This will never happen because most people are actually pretty base & enjoy the perverse as long as it's not too near them.  It's their spectacle, their circus & they're nothing more than a immoral mob waiting to see the next car wreck.  As long it doesn't affect them personally they'll cheer it on & call for more, more sex. more drugs, more blood, etc...  The media is the coliseum of the modern world & the people shown are little more than would-be social gladiators getting thrown to the lions.

Not Much To Say

I don't have much to say today, so I'll change course.  Maybe I'll say some things about you.  That might prove difficult since I can't tell who you are without a lot of unnecessary cyber snooping.  But I can tell that have access to a computer, that you can surf the web & that you can most likely read.  Past that, it's all a guessing game.  I don't know if you're male or female, old or young or perhaps the person that will read this blog & decide it's genius & make me rich & famous.

Cyber space has a wonderful way for letting most of us remain faceless, nameless & carefree. Some of us choose to announce ourselves, but even that could be a pretense.  Nothing can be taken as a given on this medium of life.  Instead everything has to be accepted as only partially likely to be accurate or real.

If you're reading this or any blog, you are probably curious or bored & need something to distract you.  I hope this entry was a simple enough prop to occupy your time for a little while.  If not, on to the next one. Blogs, Youtube & Wikipedia are like Wonderland to me.  I start with one & then jump on another link to this one & that one.  Before I know it, I've jumped down so many rabbit holes & the like that I have no idea as to how I actually came upon whatever it is I am reading.

Since I can't tell you much about yourself or how you got here, I will simply make a wish for you this day.  I hope that at least once today you smile.  It doesn't have to be some toothy grin or even a sideways smirk, just a genuine smile.  Sometimes we let so much pile up on us that we forget to smile. We forget to laugh.  We simply forget to be us & enjoy our lives.  So I'll leave you with something that makes me laugh.

Critics

I went to see the movie pictured above yesterday.  Was it a wonderful?  No, but it was a solid B or four out of five.  The premise of the movie, which is based on the novel of the same name, isn't all that original but what movie is these days?  Rottentomatoes.com give a 30 out of a 100 while the viewers gave it a low 70.  Yahoo movies  showed that the critics gave it a C- while the audience gave it an A-.  Netflix gave it the closest to the people with a 3.9 out of five.  

My point here isn't to hit all the movie review sites, but to point out that you need to check things out for yourself.  Netflix, generally gets my tastes fairly closely, sometimes they throw me a weird one, but most often they get it.  They should I've rated 1000's of moves there.  I've written an entry about this before, yet it seemed to bear repeating.  

I go to the movie almost 45 minutes before the film started.  I got my seat & I was thankful I'd come so early.  Within ten minutes the place was packed, I couldn't see a single empty seat.  That doesn't happen around here very often.  The crowd was ready & then the Screenvision started doing its bit. The little robot announced that a small segment of Justin Beiber was going to be on next after some trivia.  I readied myself to be annoyed, because I was surrounded by young girls, who reputedly all insanely love the Beiber.

I guess the girls in my area didn't get the memo.  They didn't react, other than to seemed annoyed something was delaying their movie.  Either the hype on Justin is just that hype or his appeal is starting to fade.  Yet, I had made a judgement based on the words of others I had heard on TV or read on the net.  Guess what, in at least this case those reports of Mr. Beibers popularity were greatly overstated.

My point is simple, too many of us allow others to make our minds up for us.  We let them sway our decisions with their words, their performances & commercials.  They alter our perception about political issues, movies, celebrities & a host of other things.  In a nutshell the Thomas Theorem states that perception is reality.  If that is the case, then if one can alter perception, then one can alter reality.  These spin doctors, critics & similiar ne'er-do-wells are powerful beasts.

However, it is a power given to them, by us & it is a power we can take back.  It's time to realize these people who do this spin-doctoring for whatever they are pushing are nothing more than salesmen.  They want you, to want something.  Plain & simple they are manipulating you.  It's hard to avoid their influence, but to quote Bear Grylls, "There is a way."  You have to stayed informed & refuse to act  on anyone else's information other than your own.  It takes time & effort not to be led like cattle to slaughterhouse by these people.

Open your eyes & pay attention.  You may be surprised what you can see, learn & experience if you don't let others make up your mind for you.

Enemy

When you're +, especially when you're on the meds, you become an expert on digestional discomfort & intestinal distress.  That translates to having gas, diarrhea, bloating, cramps, nausea, dizziness, sour stomach & a whole host of other similar issues Tums & Pepto never even mentioned in their commercials.  This leaves you constantly on the look out for things you can use to settle your stomach, things you can incorporate into your diet to ease the intestinal passage.

High fiber foods do help but have issues of their own.  Watching out for too many fried foods or food too high in sugars will also be beneficial.  But then came the Enemy's spin doctor & her name is Jamie Lee Curtis.

Jamie Lee wouldn't lie to me.  After all she saved us so many times from the evil that was Michael Myers.  But lie to us is exactly what she did.  She laughed all the way to the bank wearing her red devil outfit.

She pushed her snake oil on us & laughed, laughed I say.  What snake oil you ask, well let me show you.

Activia promises you a better digestion in just 14 days, hah. By that time I think I would've been dead.  This product gave me some of the worse stomach problems I've ever had.  I thought I'd gotten some stomach virus or the flu, but that wasn't the case.  I'd eaten it for a while & the effects or pretty immediate.  I ate it midday & by that evening I found myself perched on the toilet wondering what bomb had gone off in my stomach.  

The gas, diarrhea, fever, cramps & other intestinal issues went on for a few days then stopped.  I realized I'd had forgotten to eat the Activia.  Stupid me, I thought I'm not through with the fourteen days, so I ate it again. Within hours the symptoms were back.  A couple of days later I forgot to eat it again & it was well into the next day before I remembered it all.  During this time all my digestive issues had settled down.

I got curious & googled Activia & things like "Activia gave me diarrhea".   I found an interesting site talking about just the same things me & my roomie were experiencing.  About half the people were really loving on the product, but for the other half it was pure hate.  Ever notice that arrow on the container points straight down?  Your intestines twist & turn.  Activia basically turned my digestive track into a straight from point A to Point B pipeline like the arrow shows. 

If you're brave, you can take the Activia challenge, but I wouldn't recommend it.  This has been a dreadful time for me & my digestion.  I will never eat this product again.  The weird thing is that I can eat other yogurt & be fine, just not Activia.  I don't think it's the live cultures or probiotics either.  Several different yogurts have live cultures in them.  I will eat my yogurt from time to time, but Activia, you & your devilish spokeswoman are now the ENEMY.

Homogeneity

Recently on my Facebook page I've done a couple of things with Youtube videos.  First, I did the #1 song from the week of my birth.  Then, I did commercials from each year of my life.  It was sort of weird to see the videos of the years before I could actually remember, then it turned to nostalgia for those I could recall.  But as the years advanced, I noticed one thing for both types of videos.  I won't say the older videos were better, even though I think they were, because that would be a judgement call.  I will say that there was far less diversity of videos.

I was born in 1966.  The video variety seems fine up until about the mid to late eighties, then there was a slight decline in variety.  Post 1995, there was a slope of decline so steep an Olympic skier would have found difficult to make it down.  It isn't just the ads & music that started going conformist either, check out the social movements & political agendas.  It seems that everyday brings more & more of a push for conformity in every aspect of our lives.  From what you believe in spiritually, to what music you listen & how you feel about social issues.  

Conglomerate America is largely to blame.  There used to be 100's, if not 1,00'0's, of independent radio stations.  Try finding them today.  If you have more than one locally owned & operated station of any kind, you're doing good.  The same for TV stations.  Your local news may come from your city, but there's a large possibility the people writing the stories & pulling there strings are part of a much large media empire.

This amassing of things applies to all aspects of media & most of corporate America.  Play follow the money sometimes & you'll be surprised.  Disney owns things you'd never think of, like Marvel Comics.  Then there is AOL-Time-Warner who owns DC comics.  I used to work for a software company that was affiliated loosely with Barnes & Noble.  This was in the 90's so forgive my memory if I screw up some names.  The company owned Babbages, NeoStar,  B.Daltons & some other mall stores.  All these things could be followed up the ladder to Viacom.

Over time many of the mall stores failed & folded.  That was alright for two reasons.

1. They were awful stores.
2. They were nothing more than tax write-offs for the conglomerate.

Some of the things still exist Barnes & Noble, Scribners & Babbage's evolved into GameStop.  

Each time a large business entity buys out another business it does so to bring the new entry into the fold of it's own system of conformity.  This provides them with less competition & a more streamlined approach to mediocre business practices.

People have to start realizing that homogeneity isn't the same is being perfect.  Diversity provides for options, differences of opinions & resilience. Homogeneity allows for stability & cohesion.  True, too much diversity can lead to a very chaotic situation.  But, too much homogeneity leads to stagnation.  It's like getting a satellite TV subscription & having 700+ channels.  It's like OMG where the hell do I start?  What do I watch?   In other words too much diversity.  So you make lists.  You bring some order to the plethora of channels by making lists for yourself.  List for movies, sports & often watched shows.  You edit the list to include what you want & exclude what you don't.

The key point there was that you got to edit your own list.  What if the list had already been edited?  What if out those 700+ stations only 30 different companies owned 99% of them?  What if after examination you really had only 20 stations worth of shows because these companies had mainstreamed & optimized their channels to appeal directly to lowest common denominator of the largest demographic group?  Then what?  What if you think you have 20+ radio stations on the air in you local area only to find that there all owned by three companies sharing the same playlists?

Variety hasn't left the building.  The company hogs have just made it difficult to find.  Open your eyes & look around its still there. Go to Youtube & you'll find some amazing talents.  Support the Indies no what whether they're game programmers, authors, musicians, filmmakers, software engineers, fashion designers or whatever else you can find.  It's your $ make sure you get what you want for it.  Do you want the same old, same old crap that everyone else is buying?  Or do you want  to wait & use your $ to support an artist you really like.  

If you like what's out there & you're happy as is, do nothing.   If you aren't, start looking for things that will make you happy.  Things that you will actually enjoy.  Remember, you're the consumer & you don't have to buy anything at all if you don't want to. You really do hold the power in this matter.

Two Months In

Somehow I have managed to keep this thing going for two whole months.  For someone usually as noncommittal as myself, that's fairly astounding.  So what will I ramble on about today?

I could talk about the fact that today is the anniversary of the start of the second opium war, or the day AT&T was incorporated, when the United States decided to start censoring the mail or when Carmen first played.   But none of that, besides the At&T thing, really has any direct bearing on my blog today.  What does have bearing?

Writing this blog is becoming part of my Virgoan ritual and it is an interesting way for me express whatever I'm feeling at the time to whoever might happen upon these pages.  I wondered who would read this blog in the beginning, maybe no one.  At first, that bothered me.  Then I thought that this blog is more for myself & my own outlet than anything else.  If you like my writing, then thank you for reading it.  Not to be snide, but if you don't like it, there is a next blog link at the top of the page.  Try it sometime, I do & I've found some interesting blogs.

I can't tell you what this month will bring for me, if I'm lucky the bad things will be limited. My March third won't be as exciting as being the day that Time magazine first published, a new Turkey emerged or Rodney King getting beaten by the L.A. cops.  However, in this little part of the world, this March third will be mine.   My beginning of the third month of my blog.  My beginning of Spring.  My time with my roomie & cats.  Maybe I'll win a million or go write a novel.  Maybe I'll do nothing at all.  Whatever it is that I will or won't do, it will be mine.

Maybe that sounds a little selfish, but from time to time, you just have to be.  You have to look after yourself & make sure you're getting what you need.  Today, I'll take a cue from a duck.

The News

The news isn't that great today.  Whether you're talking about the quake in New Zealand or all the strange politicians trying to wage war on women, gays & anything else that crosses their paths, the news is bleak.  It seems like the situation has been this way for a while.

It doesn't seem like there is a lot of fixing going on, just a lot of blaming.  It would seem that there was plenty of blame to hit everyone involved, but no one wants to take their fair share.  I could sit here & type about evil republicans or useless democrats, but that's been done.

I can't say I have any answers, but I can say the blame game & negativity won't solve anything.  This post will be a short one.  I'm tired & my writing would just turn to rambles if I continued.  I'll leave you with a few vids Ive liked lately.  Hope you like...

Neither Lamb Nor Lion

There's a lot of folklore about the month of March.  How it enters being the opposite of how it will end is just one.  March 1 is a day of celebrations.  Whether you call Beer Day, The First of the Year, Independence day or numerous other observations held on the day it is a time of revelry & remembrance.

March was a time of war & beginnings of new things.  It is Primavera.   I know technically Winter still holds the reins for a little while longer, but the daffodils our blooming, the clover is growing & the birds are feathering their nests.

It was a bit cold last night, but today I had the doors open & aired out the house for a while before the chill returned.  It was a clear day & after days on days of drear, the light was certainly appreciated.  I'm going on about things, but not much happened today other than pleasant weather.  For that, I am grateful.

Spring is here.  The lawn people have been called & the exterminators are soon to be contacted to nip the fleas in the bud before they can get a foothold.  With the warmth & flowers comes bugs of all types.  From the bugs & flowers comes birds.  From jays to finches, mockingbirds to robins & hummingbirds to crows they will be in the yard soon enough.  That will get the cats attention like you wouldn't believe. The cats will chase the birds, butterflies & frogs.  The yard is coming back to life.

Other than taking my meds, I really didn't think about being + today, that makes this a rare day.  I know they probably won't find a cure for HIV in my lifetime, but I'd really love it if we could get to a point when I could take my meds like once a week.  If that could happen, then maybe on most of those non-med days I could just let myself forget about being + for a while.  That would be nice.