Everything Seems So Much More...

I've had another bad night.  I woke up a quarter til 5 & there was no sign of sleep after that.  I've gotten up in hopes of tiring myself out for at least an hour more of rest.  I don't know if it will work. 

I hate nights like this.  My mind starts reeling on everything & it won't stop.  Stuff I might be able to handle during the day when I'm awake.  But not now.  

This seems to be happening more lately.  I can't shake the feeling I'm gong backwards with things.   There doesn't seem to be any sign of improvement in my situation & I doubt there will be.  Normally, I can make myself by into the tomorrow will be better thing, but not at night.

I just keep thinking about everything.  Its really nothing big, but it all starts to feel that way.  Maybe it is big stuff & I've just conned myself into believing it isn't.  

All I know, is its happening & I can't make my mind stop.   I'm beyond tired & frustrated.  I'm spent & things seem to be demanding more of me.  The trip to Tulsa is looming & it is already tiring me.  It hasn't even happened yet.

I'm not happy with much in my life at the moment.  I'm trying to figure out if I'm just having moments of depression or times when I can buy the crap I'm selling myself.  I don't want to speak  too conclusively when I'm this tired.  But if this is all my life has left in it, I'm not sure how much more of it I want.

I'm tired, frustrated & very insecure with things.  My strength seems to keep going to things I can't control & not to me. I'm just spent.  Hopefully, I'm feel better tomorrow.  I hate mornings.

Cya...


PS:  I tried to go back to sleep it didn't work.  I'm back up.  I hate this.  I look around at a room I've been in for over 6 years now.  It was supposed to be a temporary place, 5 years.  But here we still are.  I doubt I'll ever leave in a good way.  Every time  things start looking up, something quickly happens to stop it.  Sometimes, I really wish I knew how to how to just stop.