Another Door Closes...

This is the very last day of August 2014.  It's also the last day of me being 47.  Age has never really phased me.  But, the time passage without really accomplishing anything is a bit upsetting.  It's been a long time since I've done much besides simply get by in life.  

The problem with growing up like I did, with parents that had other motivations besides their children's well-being, is everything becomes a matter of survival.   Most things I've done in my life we're just to make it through the moments.   To get by until the next opportunity came.  I've been a little mercenary in my life & far too reactive.  I'm not sure there many other options though.

Other than getting though another year & somewhat doing this blog, I accomplished just about squat.  The rub of the matter is the lack of accomplishment isn't even the problem.  The problem is there was nothing much I wanted to do.    

I've come to a place in my life with little more than trying to get through the day.  It's been forever since I've had a goal of any consequence that was reasonably possible.  Maybe those are just things for younger people.  I hope not.   This just getting by thing is tedious & tiresome.

I'm not sure if this upcoming year will be any different.  I still have no goals that seem obtainable.   Damn, I'm depressing.  I'm thankful for all the good that's come my way & the bad that's passed me by.   To anyone who reads this blog, thanks for stopping by.  Many thanks to those in my life, what few are left.   Hopes & wishes to friends that have dropped off to other places over the years.  

Goodbye August 2014 & so long 47.

Cya...

Cooler...

Yesterday's rain cooled things down some.  It also made the humidity horrid.  It wasn't until after dark things started getting pleasant.  By then, I was exhausted.  

It's very humbling how strongly weather can affect your well being.   I'm not talking about something as big as a tornado destroying your home.  I'm talking about how daily temperatures & humidity levels can make or break a chronically ill person's day.

I've talked about this a lot, but it remains a constant in my life.  Whether it's the HIV, the meds, gout, my age or whatever, weather has become a notable factor in my health.  That sucks.

Seriously, it just blows.  There's nothing you can do about the weather, besides react  to it.  Sure, you can stay inside in a heated/cooled home, but even that doesn't undo all that weather can do to you.   It doesn't handle humidity all that well.  It does little for natural light levels.  

For those of you not in a place in your life where the weather is such a big cause of health issues, be thankful.  Maybe it will never bother you.  Maybe you'll have till you're much older before the whims of weather impact your well being.  Enjoy it while it lasts.

Cya...

Brewing...

A storm is coming in on my area.  It sounds like it could be a strong 1.  If so, I have no idea how long my net or power will last.  A gnat fart can knock out the internet in these parts.  

There weren't power blip #1.  This is it for today.  Until tomorrow.

Cya...

A Little Cooler...

So far today, its staying a little cooler.  I'm feeling some better than yesterday.  As an HIV + person, it gets tiring talking about how crappy you feel most the time.  I really don't like it.  

Feeling off is just the normal for my life.   I don't care for complaining about the day to day  issues this illness brings to my life.  I'll talk about them, but not nearly as much as I could.  I don't want all the negativity it brings.  I don't want  this virus having any more power over my life than it already does.

I'll get up & get through my day as best I can.  I'll wrap up this month in preparation for being another year older.  I have to admit I'm doing better with the impending birthday stuff than I usually do.   By now, I'm usually utterly annoyed with this time of the year.

HIV is invasive & there's no denying it.  It will overtake every part of your life.  It will have impact on every spec of your being.  Doesn't mean I have to like it or talk about it incessantly.  

Today is cooler than yesterday.   The morning glories were blooming earlier.  The hummingbirds & dragonflies are flitting through the bushes.    These are the things I'm going to focus on at this moment.

Cya...

Not Well...

It's not as hot today, but it's still pretty awful.  The humidity is rising.  Add to that, the devil know as ragweed has returned in force.  The pollen is killing me, especially my stomach due to all the sinus drainage.  

We got trash out today.  That was a bit of burden today.  I really didn't feel well doing it.  I'm staying a little nauseous from all this heat & stuff.    It's easy when you're chronically ill to over do it in the heat.  

I think I'm just going to lay in front of the fans for a while now.  Hopefully, I'll feel more with it later.  Stay cool.

Cya...

Blogger Issues...

I had to try several times to get into Blogger today.  Even now, its trying to kick me out.  This will have to be short.  All is going well today.  Its supposed to be cooler. That's a major perk.  

My plan for calling the pharmacy for my refills earlier than they call me is working.  So far, there's been less snags & screw ups with my med orders arriving.  That is a relief.   Who knows how long this will last?  

OK, Blogger just booted me again, so this it for now.  

Cya...

Last Monday...

This is not only the last Monday of August, but of my year as well.  Next Monday will be my birthday & the start of my new year.    I doubt I got half of the stuff I wanted to do done this year.  Then again, a lot of things happened that weren't possible to account for last September.  

It's hot again today.  Add to that, the lawn guy decided to mow today.  He must've needed money, cause its seriously hot here.  He could've waited until mid-week when its supposed to cool down.    Better him than me.

We did some shopping this morning & it wasn't pleasant.   It was hot & busy.  At least its done.  I managed to find a good sale on a large fan, it was $12.00 off list price.  We just had a large fan die, so it was good timing.  That's all for now.

Cya...

Still Hot, Still Queasy...

There are numerous side effects that come from HIV meds.  Among the most common are those affecting your gastrointestinal tract.  These include lack of appetite, upset stomach, diarrhea & much more.  Most especially nausea. 

I'm on 4 meds all that can lead to GI issues.  Add to that my allergies & sinus drainage.  All of which are being magnified by the high temperatures.  My stomach & digestion has been unpleasant to say the least.  

Unfortunately, this is probably going to last until it gets cooler.  Lucky me.  I hope everyone else is feeling better.

Cya...

A Little Yuck...

For some reason this year, my allergies have never gone away like normal.  I've been putting away the cough drops, eye drops, lip balm, & other allergy related items like crazy.  I'm not the only person I know going through this either.  

The problem is that its wearing me out & making other things seem much worse than they should.  Yesterday got hot, but not hella hot.  Still, the heat from the past 2 days has gotten to me.  My stomach has stayed upset & that makes taking meds so much fun.  

Right now, I'm a little worn out, sticky & my stomach is slightly queasy.  Either the heat or the allergens need to go.  Until then, I'm probably not going to feel that hot.  

Cya....

Follow Up On Negligence...

I wrote about a dentist last March in this post.  This article is talking is a follow up to what happened with him.   This man's negligence led to the state telling over 7,000 to get tested for HIV & hepatitis.  This article tells over various types of hepatitis diagnosis of his patients.  It didn't mention any anything about possible  associated HIV cases. 

The lawsuits are ongoing.  The fallout is still becoming evident.  The best thing about this is, there will be 1 less dentist in the world who refuses to follow basic sanitation & hygiene rules in his office.   This situation should never had been at all.  But, some people can't be bothered to take proper care to guard against transmitting diseases to their patients.   I still think just losing his license is too lenient.

Cya...

Errands...

I've got a bit to do today.  I've got some things to watch, some stuff to get through on my computer & then I have to run over to Ft Smith to pay some bills.   I'll have to pick up my roomie while I'm over.  I want to get this done early before it gets too hot today.  It's no fun being in the van during the heat of a summer day.  

I've been looking at articles  & there are a lot, but mostly over stuff I've done;  high transmission rates in other countries, students possibly exposed to HIV because of medical negligence,  research on how to treat hidden HIV.  These are interesting, but I've said all I have to on them.  The other stuff isn't developed enough yet, for me to form an opinion about.

I hope you all have a great day.

Cya...

Still Humid...

It warmed up a lot yesterday, but somehow the humidity still lingers.   The stickiness makes taking a shower nearly useless.  You have to turn off all the hot water & try to cool yourself down completely before getting out of the bath.  If not, hello sweat bath.

Today is trash day.  It hit the curb & other than cooking, that's about it for today.  The weather is doing both of us in. Tomorrow, I have to go to Ft Smith & pay a bill or 2, depending on what arrives in the mail in the morning.

That's about it for today.

Cya...

Moving On...

No matter how crappy things get, time keeps going,.  I'm nearing the end of this year for myself.  Come September, it's a new 1 for me.    I know my household is still in transition from all it's gone through this year, but this mess is passing.  

The process hasn't been quick, but our more normal lives are slowly starting to reemerge.   My roomie is finding ways to get through her process.  Again, it's not easy, but she's doing it.  She's discovering through this ongoing situation that acknowledging the steps & the momentary situations is a very  important thing to do.   

When you've gone through something traumatic or challenging, it is very important to recognize the steps.  You've endured this, it's now part of who you are.  If for other reason than to tell yourself next week that you're doing better than you did today.  

Every step, breath, tear, struggle... they all count.  They all matter. Give them the credence they deserve.  You've earned it.

Cya...

Car Wash...

We went shopping this morning.  We started at Walmart, but wound up having to go to the other store as well.   Walmart was so busy, I wound up forgetting some things.  

The tree we've been parking under has been providing gifts for us.  I thought it was sap.  It wasn't.  It was honeydew.  Go read that link & wrap your head around that.   The van was so covered it had to be washed.  I normally take the wait & let the rain do its job approach to this matter.  But, the van was sticky & disgusting.  The only good thing is that honeydew comes off easier than real sap. Still, eeeewwww!!!

Now, we're back & it's humid.  I'm tired & ready to do nothing for a bit.  I still have cooking to do, but that can wait.

Cya...

Sticky...

It is horribly humid today.   We're only in the upper 80's but we have humidity levels that nearly match.  Last night was not good sleeping weather.  Even with fans on it was damp.  Right now, I'm sticking to every thing I touch, even my own skin.  This is not an enjoyable experience, trying to type a blog entry while my fingers are sticking to the keys & my wrists are stuck  to the desk. Yuck.  I'll do more tomorrow.

Cya...

Missed It...

I'm doing another post because I forgot this.  This link leads to a post about my cat Fluffy.  He passed a little over a year ago.  His passing wasn't easy, but he was an older cat & his health was failing.  He'd had a good life with us & he is missed.   Hell, he's still a subject of conversation.  I just wanted to remember him 1 more time on this blog.

Cya...

Heating Back Up...

It looks like Summer weather might actually be arriving here.  For the next week or so, we're supposed to be in the mid to upper 90's F.   Hopefully, it'll kill of the grass, bugs & allergens some.  I could use it, my allergies have been giving me hell.  It means turning on the AC, but we've hardly had to this year, so it won't kill our electric bill.  

Not much planned for this week.  Just some shopping & a trip to Ft. Smith.  I'm glad for that.  I hate driving that van in the heat.  Its AC sucks & it's like driving an easy bake oven when it's really hot.

I hope everyone else has a great weekend.

Cya...

Net Issues Again...

I'm doing another short post, because Suddenlink is being very erratic today.  They know there's an area wide problem.  So far, no fixes.  The next time I move, 1 of the deciding factors where will be the cable company.    If the place only has Suddenlink, I'm not living there.  I'm sick of this company.  The service they provide is sketchy at best & completely unreliable.  To think some people have their phone service & security through them.  That's scary.   Oh the net's out, but I can't call anyone because the net's out. 

Cya...

Not Sure...

I'm not sure what was up with me yesterday, it's not as intense so far today, but it was then.  It doesn't make any sense.  Sure there were irritants & worrisome things, but the intensity of my internal reaction to them was out of scope.  

What am I talking about?  Anxiety.  I spent a good part of yesterday nauseous, fractious, fretful & just plain tense.  Part of it was something I ate, but the rest of it remains elusive. 

With HIV & especially some of the meds, anxiety is just part of life sometimes.  It doesn't always need a good reason, it just shows up.  Sometimes, it takes a lot of little reasons to rise up to nerved out state.

Often, I have no real idea what set it off, but even if I do, it's hard to rationalize away anxiety.  It's not depression.  It's like a ticking. A ticking that's counting down to something bad about to happen.  You just don't know what or when.  The only thing you know is the bad thing is coming & it will be, well bad.  It's hard to take your focus of it.  But that's really the only thing you can do.

I'm not spinning with this as much as I was yesterday, but I'm still worn out from it.  Anxiety is taxing & frustrating.  It's easy to get upset for letting yourself get so wound up over nothing or something you can't do anything about.  That won't do any good of course.  

I'm trying to focus on other things.  I'm doing my best to let go of the tension,  Anxiety seriously sucks.

Cya...

Off Hunting...

Not sure how long this is going to take, but I have some hunting to do.  It will involve me being outside, walking in the yard & carrying a small tub of poison.  What am I hunting?  Fire Ants.

They're back.  Not nearly as bad as last year.  So far, I've only had 7 mounds in the yard this season.  Last year I'd deal with that many in an afternoon.  This requires hunting for the mound, dosing it & then going back later to see if they died or just moved to a new location.

I prefer it, if they die.  Still, every time the colony has to move, it loses some of it's strength.  Move if you must little ant.  I'll be back in a few days to dose you again.  Damnable things.

Oh well, heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to kill fire ants I go.

Cya...

Grass...

I hate grass.  I'd love to have a yard with none of the green hell in it.  I realize it has it's benefits.  My little blue flowers grow in the yard.   But, afterwards my yard is just a hellzone of grass.  

Grass is nothing but 1 huge allergen field constantly producing crap to screw with my eyes, throat & sinuses.   It's where all the outdoor bugs live, like fleas & fire ants.   It stinks when it's mowed & I'm mildly allergic to cut grass.  It smells even worse when it gets wet after being cut on a warm day.  Umm, fragrance of fermented, rotting grass.  I'm sure some people love, not me.

Our lawn got mowed yesterday.  It was warm & very humid.  The dank smell of wet, mowed grass flooded the house all night.  My eyes & sinuses have a serious hate thing going on right now.  There should be some allergen free grass.  My eyes are watering, so this it for now.

Cya...

PS:  I was right about the cable internet guy.  He didn't show up.   He did call & tell us there was nothing he could  do about our problem.  Suddenlink's local tower equipment is failing.   Yippie!  At least we didn't have to wait for him all day.

Monday...

It's Monday & I'll be out shopping by myself.  My roomie will be waiting for the Suddenlink guy to show & for a service call on our crappy internet.  I seriously doubt this will accomplish anything.  The problem isn't on our end, it's with their equipment.  They just don't want to fix it.  It's been ongoing for about 3 weeks & it's area wide.  So no, it's not my modem Mr. Suddenlink Techie.   

I'll get this much done now.  I have no idea what, if anything they'll do when they get here (if they actually do get here).  It could take 5  minutes or all day.  So, this is the post today.  I'm off to Walmart.

Cya...

2nd Sunday...

It's weird to be this far into August & to have only seriously needed the AC a half a dozen times or so.  Our high has been roughly the mid 90's F.  Unfortunately, there was a lot of humidity, so it felt more hellish.  Still, a couple of Summers ago, we had almost the entire Summer at or above 100 F.  

This erratic weather is weird.  The yard looks like it's June.  Bugs are prolific.  Allergens abound.  It's raining in August.  The peach tree never delivered & the wild cherry tree barely did.  The wild rose bush  looks dead while sitting juxtaposed to a very lush looking, non-producing, peach tree.  

They say we're in for a cooler Fall.  Now, the idea of Winter is sort of scaring me.  If Summer has been 5 - 10 degrees below average, then what's Winter going to be like?  Oh well, at east the cooler weather is good for sleeping.

Cya...

Don't Switch...

This article is about the downside to switching drug regimens when it isn't necessary.  I'm on a dinosaur of a regimen.   I take Didanosine, Lamivudine, Invirase & Norvir.   My drugs were around in the 1990's.  My doctors look at me like I'm a relic.   But for now, my numbers are reasonable.  They've never been great in  over a decade, but they're steady.  I'm undetectable & have tolerable numbers otherwise.

They've asked me if I'd like to change meds, fairly often.  I say not now, thank you.  There might come a day when I have no choice & a then I want as many options left as possible.   I've had to quit 2 drugs as it is.  I was highly reactive to Retrovir, better known as AZT.  (I'd been dead in the 80's)  They discontinued production of Fortovase.   Other than that the only drug I'm no longer on is Dapsone.  I went off it when they were certain I was past any serious pneumonia risk.

This article tells of how there is a risk of changing people's meds when they are being virologically suppressed.  Meaning they are undetectable or nearly so.   Changing these meds sometimes led to virologic failure.  

I know many of these meds are problematic.  They have many reactions, side effects & interactions.  They put limits on your life & your choices.   But changing them without cause could lead serious consequences for your health.  Possibly even complete viral resistance or the inability to tolerate any meds.  

If you're on a regimen & it's suppressing your HIV, then by all means stick with as long as you can before changing.  Some of these drugs seriously suck.  But, there are only so many options available.  

Cya...

Living With It...

This article about his life with HIV.  It's brief, but worthwhile.    It's about the alienation & anonymity the  writer faced after his diagnosis.  I know it's nothing I haven't posted about before, but it's always good to see someone else's perspective.

For me it's my HIV.  For my roommate, it has been her weight.  For other's it might be anything; their gender, age, ethnicity.  These things that are always playing out in our lives.  

In some ways I'm lucky.  For the most part, my HIV is invisible to others.   I don't have people constantly feeling the need to point out the obvious, like you're black or you're fat.  

What I do have to handle, is the every moment of the thing.   There is no time in which I am not +, nor will there be.   This is my life.  It'd be nice every once in a while if I could just forget about it for a day.  Not think about all ways HIV dictates my life.  But I can't.

I'm lucky & I know it.  I have an income (minimal) &  access to healthcare.   I wish I had more $, but if I did, I'd lose access to my healthcare.  I can't not take my meds if I want to stay as healthy as possible.  I am HIV + & it is a central point of my life & there isn't anything I can do about it now.

Unless you're in a situation like this, then it will be difficult for you to understand the impact that can have on a person.  The endlessness of it all can be very overwhelming at times.   Still, it's my life.

Cya...

Storming...

It's storming & I've already been having internet connection issues, so I'll make this brief.  Not much going on here, besides hoping the power doesn't go out.  I have to go get my roomie from her friend's later.   Just doing some wash today & then heading our.  

Cya...

Flabbergasted...

This article reports research regarding teens & HIV.  The study is disturbing & it pisses me off.   After 30+ years of screaming about HIV & AIDS, up to  1/3 of these kids said they didn't realize HIV was a sexually transmitted disease.  

I wish this was a joke.  If this survey is accurate, then almost 90% of these kids didn't see themselves at risk for HIV.  Of course not, if you don't think HIV is sexually transmitted.  

I'm hoping there are errors in this research.  If not, these kids a doomed, stupid, ill-informed & doomed.   This article is seriously irritating & depressing.  If these kids are this ignorant, then who's too blame?  It sure isn't the AIDS activists of the 80's & 90's who've basically been told by the world, "Hush now, we've got this covered."  Yeah, sure you do.  Maybe it's time for ACT UP to make a return.

Cya...

Dentist...

I have a dentist appointment today. Actually, it's just a cleaning.  Not sure how long I"ll be there.  We may run some errands & get a bite afterwards.  More tomorrow.

Cya...

Conflicted...

This article is about a man in Oklahoma whose been arrested for soliciting sex from people without revealing his HIV + status.  According to the Oklahoma State Health Department, he tested + back in 2007.  Since then, he's made almost 700 solicitations for sex on Craig's List.  Even if he only has a 1 in 10 success rate, that's 70 people.

Quotes in the article try to make this man out as a psychopath.  (I just love it when non-psych people diagnose).  It's possible this man is every bad thing that's ever been said about him, but that's irrelevant.   Yes, I said it doesn't matter, it means nothing.

This man trolled for sex on Craig's List.  These people answered those ads.   They had unsafe sex with a stranger.  They say he told them he was HIV -.  So what?  He lied,  they didn't demand a condom & now they could very well be + themselves.  

This man should not of done what he did, given.  However, to place all the blame on him alone is BS.  A lot of people made choices, seemingly most of them bad choices & now there are consequences to those actions.  That's called life.  

I am HIV +, because of my choices.  Unless this man forced them to have sex, they are at least partly to blame for their possible/current HIV status.  This man should be dealt with & prosecuted.  But, playing the blame game won't help anyone.

Cya...

A Little Ouch...

I've awoke to fog the last 2 mornings.  Fog usually isn't that bad, but combined with these temps, it means the humidity is through the roof.  It's really pissing off my left foot. 

Until this Summer, I'd gone quite a while without any feet related ailments.  Now, it seems to be the theme of the season.   I've had a enough.  It's time to either really heat up, cool down or dry the hell up for a while.  

Gout flare-ups, even just the warnings, are no fun whatsoever.   The left side of my foot is achy, feverish & a little swollen.  If this continues, it'll get a lot worse.  That makes walking a challenge & driving no fun at all.  It's worse when it's bothering the right foot.

I went shopping this morning.  That'll have to about do it for exercise today.  I'm not overdoing it on a foot warning of a gout flare-up.

Cya...

Heading Out...

We've decided to go out today for something other than a doctor's appointment or other required thing in our lives.  I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday & it seems most of our outings lately have been chosen for us.  I'm not exactly sure how long this will take, but hopefully, it'll be a good diversion.  We could use it.   

Cya...

Van Stuff...

I'll be out getting some maintenance done on the van.  Normally, I'd say this wouldn't take very long, but it's the van on a Friday.  It's the 1st day of the new month.  That doesn't even take into consideration, my mechanic is very popular.  I'll be back, when I get back.

Cya...