Comparison...

This isn't the blog post I had intended today, but oh well.   I went shopping today & was a little bit surprised.  How does shopping relate to HIV?  $, is how it relates to my illness.  The more I save, the more I can spend other things I need or that I can save for some later need.

Shopping is modern hunting &  I am pretty good at it, shopping, not hunting.  My roomie  has several small, round plastic clothes hampers like this one.

Her's are dying a slow death, so I started looking for more of them.  Online they are just under $2, but shipping something shaped like that would kill the price.  At Wal-Mart they're almost $3.  I opted to wait until I hit Big Lots to check out there prices on these things. I wound up hitting Dollar General before I got to Big Lots.  I figured I'd look for the hampers in there.  Usually they're a little cheaper than Wally World on these type things.

Hah.  Gone are the days of DG being cheaper than Wally World.  Their hampers were nearly $4 & of a lot lower quality.  I started looking around the Dollar General to check some other prices.  DG used to beat Wally's on cleaners, canned goods & oddities.  That was no longer the case.  Item type for type DG was more expensive.  The only thing I wound up getting were things Wal-Mart doesn't carry.  It seemed DG took Walmart's price & rounded it to the next .25¢ mark.

This wasn't what I wanted to see, but now I know it now & can mark this store off the list.  The point here is that you have to keep your eyes open & pay attention.  Just because one store used to be the cheapest, doesn't mean it still is.  When you're poor, especially if you're on a fixed income, you have watch these things.  It's annoying, but that's just how it is.  I doubt a lot of DG shoppers even notice that they're paying more than they would at Walmart.

Cya

Clean Slate...

This is going to be a shorter post.  I just finished the alphabet challenge & I'm glad I undertook it.   It gave me a means to focus my writing on my life with HIV.  I'm considering a couple of other routes for the next jaunt of my writing.  I'll figure it out by tomorrow.

For now, I wanted to say that if you blog & haven't taken the alphabet challenge you might want to consider it.  It allowed me a different approach to my blogging.  I took a lot away from the experience. 

For now, it's a clean slate.  January is almost over.  We are almost an month into 2012.  So far, 2012 hasn't been as rough on us as 2011.  We had a minor bit of plumbing work done, still it cost $170.00.  I could've handled it myself, except the person who plumbed the sink before had really "rigged" it & soldered it to boot.  The plumber literally had to break the connections to get them out from under the sink.  

The weather is a mess.  It can't figure out that it's supposed to be winter.  It'll hit 70 F today & we have little blue flowers with bees flitting around in the front yard.  We'll probably have a blizzard next week.

I am still waiting on word from my dentist on what's happening with my insurance.  I had labs drawn for my upcoming telemedicine appointment.  It was reasonably well.  Looks like I need to start watching my blood pressure closer.

So, far that's about it for my January.  How was yours?

Cya

The Letter Z...

It's here, the end of the alphabet challenge.  "Z" closes us out with Zenith, the highest point or the culmination of something.   This will conclude this particular challenge.  I may do the alphabet challenge again someday, but this round ends today.

Many of us get through life focusing on the zenith of things.  A lot of us never focus on the actual journey to the end of the road, we just want to get there.  That really is a shame, we miss a lot when we approach life in that manner.

Being a Virgo & feeling a need to control things, I've learned some coping techniques to get me through life.  I'm actually very good at getting through stuff in my life as long as I know there is an ending.  I could handle late night classes, even if they were three class periods long.  I just focused on the fact that meant there were 150 minutes in the classroom & each minute that ticked away put me closer to the end of that particular class period. 

I handled long drives the same way as a kid.  I'd watch mile markers & let them be a countdown.   If the distance seemed to big to comprehend, I'd break it down into smaller chunks.  My parents loved to drive.  We had relatives on both coasts.  Hell, is a non-stop car ride from northeastern Oklahoma to mid south Florida.  That's roughly 1,200 miles & 20 hours.  My parents would tag team the drive.  That was too great a distance for my little mind to handle, so I'd break it down.  I'd focus on how far was it to Joplin, then Springfield, then Memphis, etc...  I could manage the ride that way.

That's how I got by.  I broke things down into manageable bits.  Too bad that only works when there's an ending.  What happens when the task, journey or experience before us has no perceivable end?  Answer, I usually don't do very well.  That's the case when you're living with a chronic illness such as HIV.  There is no end.  The only finale is death.

It's very frustrating not to be able to control this aspect of my life, that the only zenith of this situation is terminal.  But, there it is. A point where my organizing & counting, won't help me a bit. I don't deal well with the infinite or unknown.  I don't like it at all.  I want something to measure against or compare to in my life.

Things without endings, like chronic illnesses, can wear on you in a way that nothing else really can.  I know there are good things in life that also seem to be without ending, but it's just an illusion.  Everything has an end, even if we don't know when it's going to conclude.  I like knowing there's a zenith, a point on the horizon that I'm striving to get to. What about you?  Do you want to see the finish line or you happy traveling without any point of terminus?

Cya

The Letter Y...

Year begins with a "Y" & brings a lot of joy to some & sadness to others.  I am referring to the unit of time.  For a child it means being another year older & getting to do more.  For some people, it means being another year older & feeling their life slip away from them.

I don't put all that much stock in years people acquire.  I've known extremely mature children & very childish adults.  Chronological age isn't as important to me as relative maturity.    Some set their expectations of others based on the other person's age.  I'd feel better placing in it how much maturity they've displayed.

Some people "stop" having birthdays at a certain point.  As if their attempts at vanity will cease the passage of time.  I'm not sure if they actually fear growing older or if they fear facing the fact they haven't accomplished everything in life they'd planned.  Either way to fight time is futile, we all age.

I guess I've never given age that much thought.  I've never seen myself in my head as the age I was.  Maybe it's arrested development.  When I was a kid, I saw myself as older, because I had to act that way.  Now in life I tend to envision myself in various points of my life when big things occurred.  Age & my mentality have never really had much in common.

Some people will tell you to put away your toys & grow up.  When did having fun become relegated to our childhood?  When did growing up start meaning you couldn't play games or have toys?  Why the hell would you let someone else tell you how to act based on something so arbitrary as a chronological age?  It's stupid to do that.  It's your life, past taking care of your responsibilities, you should cut loose however you choose.  Your recreational activities shouldn't be based entirely on whether or not your over or under a certain age.

People may say you're too old to play those video games, drive that car, date that person, etc... To hell with them,.  They're most likely just jealous busy-bodies any way.  It's your life, so live it your way.  Don't let how many summers you've seen determine whether you're going to play with your x-box or shuffleboard.

A year is a unit of time.  Other than the fact we physically age, it is meaningless.  It most likely isn't even real.  Consider this, on Earth a year is roughly 365 days,  but on Mercury it only take about 89 days while out on Jupiter it takes 11.8 eight Earth years.  Albeit I am 45 here, on Mercury I would be almost 189 & on Pluto I wouldn't even be a year old yet.  The point is simple, time is relative, age is relative, so why should we allow it to be treated concretely in our lives?

Cya

The Letter X...

I am taking the letter "X" to Xeno, referring to something strange, foreign or different.  Some of us may have xenophobia or even xenophilia, but some of us find that the strange is much more pervasive in our lives.

When you are diagnosed with HIV or some other chronic illness, you may find that your life soon becomes something difficult for you to recognize as your own.    The life I live now is markedly different from the life I lived while I was still healthy before my diagnosis.  I was a club person, who didn't like to even admit there were waking hours before noon.    I was more outgoing, gregarious & well more fit.

I'm not sure if I somehow became a stranger living my life or if I was me living some stranger's life.  Either way, this was not the life I knew &  wasn't the me that I had been before.  It all changed.  My life was foreign to me & I didn't like it one bit.  

I've done my best to come to terms with this new life.  There are still things I miss from my old life. But now, I'd be a stranger in that life.  I wish I could say I didn't ask for this, but most other HIV patients didn't either & in a way I did.  No one forced me to take the actions that led me to being +, so I did make choices.  I just didn't fully recognize the ramifications of those decisions I was making.  Such is life.

How do you deal the strange?  Are you xeno to yourself?  To be strange is to be different, but to be different does not equate to being bad.  Different is just that, different, nothing more or less.  It's OK to be the strange one, we are all at some time or another. 

Cya

The Letter W...

Star Light, Star Bright,

First Star I See Tonight,

I Wish I May, I Wish I Might,

Have The Wish, I Wish Tonight

"W" brings us to Wish, the act of expressing a desire for something.  Often associated with some form of magical action of invocation, like the rhyme above or blowing out birthday cake candles.

I suppose there is nothing intrinsically wrong with wishing.  It's been part of man's world since forever. Still, the act in itself can quite futile & destructive in my opinion.  

Wishing isn't like making plans for your future. It's not even like making plans without limits.  Those plans are dreams & we know it.  Wishing is investing some small part of yourself into something that most likely will never come true.  

My parents were alcoholics.  They were reckless, violent & absolutely the last people who should've ever had children.  Yet, there we were.  I used to watch other families & wonder why I didn't have one like theirs.  I used to hope for things to change or dream that I had a different family.  But those were hopes & dreams & even an eight year old knew they weren't going to come true.

My sister on the other hand was a different story.  She had hopes & wishes tied up into my mother.  She knew if this would just happen or that thing wouldn't happen, we could all live happily ever after.   She wished for this, she did her little magical rituals of crossing fingers, saying rhymes & making bargains with some unseen deity.  Funny, how none of those things ever worked.

With each failed wish, she grew a little dimmer.  She put so much into those wishes, that she never really lived her life as it was.  She never made real plans for her life, she just to took the first escape she could & that turned out to be a disastrous marriage.  To the best of my knowledge, my mother never got any better.  The last time I spoke to her was in my late teens after yet another horrid encounter with her.

Still, my sister's wishes for my mother continued right up until May of 2011.  On Mother's Day of that year, the clock ran out on my sister's wishing, our mother passed.  I felt weirdly numb about the matter.  My sister on the other hand had to deal with the fact, that her mother never really changed & that all those wishes were wasted breathes.

You can hope for something, you can dream for it, you can even start to make plans for it, but don't wish for it.  Wishing won't get you anything.  I'm not saying I don't make my own wishes, we all do. I just usually realize that's what they are, make believe.  Wishes won't change my life.  They won't fix my past.  They won't cure me of HIV.  They'll just take my focus away from the here & now.  They'll stop me from making real choices for change in my life.

Not making wishes is hard.  We do it without thinking. We just can't keep letting ourselves get invested in them though.  Failed wishes are toxic & they take a bit of us with them when they fizzle. Eventually we have very little left of us to do anything with in our lives.  Here's to wants, dreams & plans.

Cya

The Letter V...

"V" may be for vendetta, victory or even valor, but today it is for Villain.  There's a villain in every story.  There has to be, right?  Without a villain, what would the hero do?  What would the hero be?  So there has to be a villain.  This a common approach to writing in our culture & others.  Unfortunately, we tend to let what we read bleed over into real life, even when it isn't necessarily so.

Much of writing has evolved past the common motifs of good versus evil, hero versus villain & the like.  Too bad many people have not.   Many still expect a villain behind all the vileness in life.  Many expect that there will always be a bad guy in every situation.  That isn't always the case.

I am +.  I know that I did not do IV drugs & did not have any medical treatments involving blood, so that leaves me with sex as the means of transmission for my HIV.  Is sex evil?  No. It is an action & can not in itself be evil or any other moral descriptor, it simply is.  I engaged in sex.  Does that make me a bad person?  No.  I contracted HIV via sex.  Now am  I a bad person?  Again, no.

So, a person I had sex with was + & transmitted the virus to me.  Is that person morally questionable?  I don't know.  I am not sure when I contracted the virus, therefore I can't be sure of who transmitted it to me.  Even though I was getting tested, somehow it didn't show.  False negatives do occur.  I have no idea how long I was actually + or if I transmitted the virus to anyone else.  I sincerely hope I didn't.

If I didn't know, maybe the person that transmitted the virus to me was equally unaware of their HIV status.  I can't & won't assume this person did this to me on purpose.  Even if they did , it wouldn't do me any good to focus on it.  It's a done deal.

The point here is simple, when you're sick, especially if you are +, people will look for answers.  You will look for answers.  There must be a villain of the piece.  It feels so very  Little Edie Bouvier Beale to say that.  Sometimes though, there are no villains to be had.  HIV is a disease, not a villain.  Sex is not villainous.  Being gay is not full of villainy.  Being + isn't a matter or morality. Who or what's left to blame?  Who cares?  What good would it do you even if there was a villain?  It wouldn't stop you from being +.

Unless you had some poorly handled medical situation or a criminal encounter, don't waste your time looking for the villains of your HIV story.  It won't help you.  It'll probably just drive you nuts.  If someone wants to villainize you over being +, then don't waste your time on them.  You'll never convince them you aren't the villain.  That leaves you with two choices, walk on by & leave that person out of your life.  Or you  could get a really great black cape, top hat & a cheesy moustache.  Either way, that accusatory person will always think what they were going to think, you can't change that.  Simple fact of life, stupid people will always find a way to be stupid.  There's a villain for you; indulgent, willful stupidity.

Cya

The Letter U...

I've opted for Unique to as my "U" word.  This word means one-of-a-kind, specific, without equal, etc..  It is the antithesis of a common mentality in our society, One-size-fits-all.  

This one size thing is pervasive throughout our culture from food to clothing, most alarmingly it exists in medicine.   I'm not even happy with one size fits most.   Plain & simple, we may look the same, may share some similar ailments & may even have the same diagnosis, that still does not make us the same.

Understandably, medicine works in a realm of generalizations.  That is the way of it.  However, it is up to us to make our physicians & other health care providers remember that we are not the same person they just treated.  It  is up to us to keep track or our health & to educate ourselves on our ailments & treatments. 

Whenever you are given a new prescription, there should be an insert describing the chemical nature of the drug & it's possible reactions & interactions.   This list is going to look huge.  Guess what?  Those are only the most commonly reported ailments or those most commonly noted during the initial trails of the medication.  If you go online & research your drug, you will probably find a plethora of other reactions/interactions that the patients report.

I have dealt with gout & that beast is from hell.   I listened to my doctor & read the medication labels.  I did as I was told & still got flare ups.   So, I researched it.  I found out that several things that were setting it off.  When, what & how much I ate affected it drastically.  How I held my feet when I slept.  Weather phenomenon & climate such as extreme shifts in temperature or high humidity could cause a flare up.  Even the low-dose aspirin my doctor had me on was causing problems with my gout.  Once I figured these things out, I got my gout under control.

The point is, you are unique.  Your body, your chemistry, your reactions, your lifestyle & much more make you a very specific entity.  All these things alter your health & the treatments you may receive to keep you healthy.  This uniqueness makes you, you, but it also makes you responsible for figuring out best to keep yourself healthy.  Your doctor puts you on Epivir & tells you to expect reactions A - Z.  Then you go & have an unlisted reaction.  You should inform your doctor, but you should also research this & see if anyone else is having the same reaction.  You have to figure out, is it you, an interaction or something completely unrelated.

Being + is difficult, but being + & unique can be ever more so.  I've had many weird reactions to my meds, some common, some not.  I have done the best I can within my ability to make my treatment plan & drug regimen suit my life & my needs.  Have you?

Cya

The Letter T...

Today's "T" is Tire.  To grow weary, fatigued, exhausted or even just impatient.  That is the topic of this entry & not those things that let car wheels go round.

I have to say that besides the outright sickness of being + there are three things that really bother me about HIV a physical sense.  I have had a significant weight gain associated with HIV weight issues due to some meds.  My hair has vanished & my complexion is shot.  Even more annoying  is the fact of being tired.

I tire easily these days.  Here goes the old person rant.  When I was in college, I didn't have a car & if I wanted get some where I usually had to walk.  I used to work at a convenient store about 2.5 miles from my dorm & I walked there every time I had to work.  I never really noticed it.  I couldn't do that now.  

Now a days, if I want to do something like weed-eat the fence, I have to break it into small sections & do it as I can.  Thankfully, the battery on the weed-eater usually dies out about the same time as I do.  I can do roughly 10 - 20 of moderate exertion before I'm feeling about ready to fall over. That's depressing.

What's worse though is the times, I'm going along just fine & then it feels like someone unplugged me.  This happens a fair bit when I'm doing light things like shopping or cleaning.  One second I'm doing well & the next I feel utterly exhausted.  It's like someone stole my batteries.

Then there are the days even with good sleep, I just don't have any energy.  I can't focus & I am generally useless until it passes.  I hate those days.

HIV changes a lot in your life.  One of them for me, is being tired a lot more than I should be.  Combine that with my fidgety nature & you get some interesting days.  Fidgety combined with exhausted usually turns into frustration.  There isn't much I can do about it, except wait for it to pass.  I have to accept that this is my life now & have to plan things accordingly.

There are things physically & otherwise that exhaust me.  If I can, I try to avoid them.  Being exhausted is not good for your health.  What exhausts you?  How often do you inexplicably tire?  Have you looked into it yet?

Cya

The Letter S...

"S" is for Sanity or the soundness of mind & being.  Sanity is hard enough to keep in good supply when you're healthy.  Try doing it when you're ill.   Life is a series of hurdles to test you endurance, capability & sanity.  We all have our little things that set us off & larger ones that can send us into a tailspin.

My kitchen sink is acting up & it needs to be replaced.  Normally, I could do this, but because of the "rigging" that went into it, I'm opting not to touch it.  That means a plumber is going to have to be called to deal with it.  Oh great, another expense & potential disaster.  Well, it will cost some, but it shouldn't be a disaster, after all it's just a leaky sink. But the sink isn't really a sink, it's a straw.  One of those proverbial straws that add up & finally break the camel's back, better known as your sanity.

There are things you need to help keep your sanity.  The first of those is safety.  You need to feel that you are not imminent danger or risk.  This just makes life easier & far less taxing.  It also lets you sleep at night.  A safe place is pertinent, if not always easy.

Shelter is the second. We need a place to protect us.  Not only from the elements, but from the threats & tensions of life.  Shelter isn't just about a physical place, it's also about the atmosphere of the places where we spend our time.

We need security in our lives.   Security in the knowledge that some things will be there for us.  We need to know we have the means to pay our bills.  We need the assurance that our cars will work, our jobs will be there, our health is alright, etc...

I've talked about the fourth one a lot.  Stressors must be avoided or eliminated as much as possible.  If your clutter is overwhelming you, get rid of it.  If your house needs repairs, do the best you can to get it done.  If you have people in your life causing you stress then send them on their way.

Finally, we all need support.  My roomie does this better than I do.  Over the years, my support system has evaporated.  I don't have one outside my current situation.  I hate that & so does my roomie.  Not sure what I'm going to do about it.  You need people in your life for support, not just financially, but emotionally as well.

Those are my five S's of sanity.  I'm sure there's more to it than that, but that's a start.  How's you sanity doing these days?

Cya

The Letter R...

My "R" word is Rest.  When you rest, you stop or at least pause your actions & exertions while seeking some bit of relaxation or relief.    Rest is a highly undervalued thing.  Many feel insulted if they're asked if they need to take a rest & they're even more offended if required to actually take one.

In life, rest, relaxation, peace & quiet are immensely important, especially if you are ill.  When you're ill, you need your strength to heal or just persevere.  I'm not just talking about sleeping.  I'm talking about taking a break from all the tedium & noise of the day.  We rarely notice the immensity of the sounds around us.   How many there are or how loud & discordant they can be.   As a people, we are highly over-stimulated.  There lights, sounds, tasks to be done, people making demands, anxieties, caffeine, etc...  

The world is constantly fraying at our nerves & senses.  Most of the time we can handle this.  Some of us  even welcome it.  But there are moments or longer when we need a time out from all the stimulus, time to rest, to catch our breath.   

Rest is a big business, there are spas, b&b's, calming CD's, masseurs, medications & a host of other relaxation products.  Some go as far as total sensory deprivation.  How do you relax?  When do you take time to recharge?

Take some time & go to the most peaceful place you can.  Deal with as much of light & sound as possible.  Take a relaxing bath.  Whatever it takes to get you to a state where you can let yourself just rest & heal.

There are those that seem to do their best to make sure we can't rest.  They tend to be greedy or at least needy people.  Others may fear what we'd be capable of if ever fully rested & at the top of our game.

Above my meds & my doctors, rest has been the most healing for me as I have lived with being +.  When I can't rest, I can feel myself become more listless & unhealthy.  To me rest is more valuable than gold, I can't live without it.  How often do you take breaks?  How deeply do you rest?  Are you ever at peace?

Cya

The Letter Q...

Our "Q" today is tilting a windmills in a most Quixotic way.   Thus is the way of those of us who pursue unrealistic idealism or attempt to live with unobtainable goals.  What have you lowered your lance at lately?

When I was younger I had this peculiar notion that if did my academics to the utmost & performed at my job as a college professor beyond reproach, that I would be considered valuable to my employers on merit alone.  After all, isn't merit what really matters?  I was wrong.  There are many other things that mattered.  What do you look like?  How do you speak?  What committees or social events do you attend?  Who do you know/blow? 

I wasn't valued by those people.  I was not retained.  I was over looked for some boring, not nearly as accomplished, brown-nosers.  Yes, I can see how that sounds like sour grapes.  But it isn't, at least not anymore.  Those suck-ups played politics, kept their publications risk-free & dressed like every other old fuddy-duddy professor.  What the academic conclave wanted was younger versions of themselves, not something new & innovative.  That would mean that they might have outlived their usefulness.

I have had my wars & held my grudges.  I have felt that things should be this way or that, when they weren't.  I have spent a lot of energy on these things & it usually amounted to not.  

The funny thing about being diagnosed + & nearly facing death, is that it puts some things in perspective.  I do my best not tilt at too many windmills these days, they just don't matter to me as much as they used.  I have accepted three things.  First, back to que sera, sera.  What's going to happen is, going to happen & there is little reason for me to believe that I can actually change the world.  How very Eva & Ché of me.  This the way of things & I don't wish to spend what little energy I have left fighting for something I'll most likely never see in my lifetime.  Maybe that's selfish of me, but oh well.

Second, let's go with live & let live.  No one has the right to change anyone else. End of statement.  If you don't like someone's behavior (assuming it's not illegal) then avoid them, leave them, say the proverbial, "Enough is enough."  Maybe that's simplistic & maybe sometimes you can't get away from them, but if you can, you should.  You only have the right to take actions that affect you, like removing yourself from a situation involving difficult people.

Finally, as all of this has begun to sat in on my life, I've noticed that this lance thing can get damned  heavy & my steed tires easy these days.  For the most part I've taken a F*#K- it attitude.  I love Maxine from the Hallmark cards & her approach to life.  I can't change a lot of things, but I'll damned if I'm going to give them any more power in my life than I absolutely have to.  To all those things out there that irritate me, to the people who don't take so kindly to me, to the SOB's who dislike gays or people who are +,  I have one thing to say with arms crossed & bird flying, "F%*K YOU!!!"

I will do my best not to tilt at the windmills.  I will do my best to realize the limits of my reach.  However, if some smart-ass comes within reach, it's going to get slapped.

Cya

The Letter P...

A prominent, purple "P" brings the word, Promise.  I am looking at a person specific version of this word.  The act of declaring an action, to take a vow or an oath.  I am not looking at some level of potential, as in her career looked so promising.

I, on the whole, do not like promises. The hell you say, right?  I pretty much distrust them & the people who make them.  People take promises too lightly & make vows they have no intention of keeping.  A lot of the time they make promises they can't even hope to keep, it's just not within their ability to do so.  There are barely noticed wedding vows, promises to play fair & not cheat.  There are doctors who promise to bring your loved one out of surgery as good as new.

Why get married if you aren't going to respect the marriage?  Not that I'm pro-matrimony, but no one's forcing most of you to get married, so why take the vow.  Why cheat at a game?  You'll never get the full experience of it if you do.  A doctor should know that any one can die during any surgery.  Still, these words were spoken & expectations were allowed.

I am the type of person that doesn't really expect anything out of anyone until they tell me to.  Don't make me promises you can't keep.  I won't forgive or forget.  Don't tell me you'll be somewhere at eight & then pull a no-show.  Promises & the like set expectations.  Expectations allow us to build plans & hopes in our lives.  When a person breaks their word to you, everything centered on the promise & the trust you had in this person is damaged, if not destroyed.  Don't make me any promises.  I probably wouldn't believe you anyway.

Then there are those people who try to make you swear oaths or give them assurances.  I won't do it.  I will not be forced to make a promise.  Any oath taken under duress isn't worth the air it took to utter it.  No one has the right to force a promise out of you.  Some situations require being sworn in & they're usually something you can avoid unless you choose to undertake them.  (Court may be an exception.)  If you choose to be sworn into office, accept marriage vows, take professional oaths, etc... then honor them or get out.

What do promises have to do with being +?  There are a lot of promises made to people.  Many young people are led to believe that HIV is rare or that they aren't the type of people to get HIV.  Many people are told about "Safe Sex", when in fact, there really is only, "Safer Sex".   Many media adverts make it sound like even if you are +, the meds are out there & you will live a perfectly normal life on them.  Television makes it sound like there are all these agencies out there just jumping at the chance to help you once you're diagnosed as +.  Nearly every HIV promise or media promotion had been flawed, erroneous or utterly fictitious.  The only thing that is true, is that if you have sex or engage in other behaviors/actions that expose you to bodily fluids, then there is always a chance of becoming +.

I really don't like promises. Don't make them to me & don't ask for them from me.  I believe that every promise you break takes a toll on you & your credibility.  Just don't make them.

Ala Naked Eyes

You made me promises, promises,

Knowing I'd believe,

Promises, Promises,

You knew you'd never keep...

Cya

The Letter O...

Option is the word of the day.  While the word may have other uses, I'm looking at it from the aspect of choice.  Would you like the luxury options on the car?  

There are some times in life where we have few or even no options.  We don't have the option of not being + once we're diagnosed.   Options are tricky business, because not all of them are equal.   Some are;

• First choice options
• All right choices
• Will do in a pinch options
• Only if I have to options
• Not on your life options
• Not-applicable options
• Surprise options

Perhaps the easiest way to think of this is consider it via a dining experience.  What is you favorite thing to get at your restaurant of choice?   Then what's your backup in case that's not available?  What's your backup's, backup?  What's the place you go eat when you only a fifteen minute lunch?  What will you absolutely not eat?  What if you're a vegetarian & the restaurant has no vegetarian options?  What happens when you go out to eat & order you fav thing but get something totally different, do you try it or send it back?

There are things we have to do repeatedly in our lives & there are situations that we can prepare for ahead of time.  If you have considered all the possible options, then when it comes time to make the choice, the situation will usually run smoother.  

1. What will you do if your check runs late?
2. What will you do if a bill runs late?
3. What will you do if you get sick?
4. What will you do if a friend or relative needs a place to crash?
5. What will you do if you find yourself alone in life?

Options can be scary business.  Sometimes, it seems like there are a millions of them.  Some of them aren't what they seem on the surface.  Sometimes people are really pushing choices that aren't in your best interest.  If you can plan ahead, you should.  If you can take time, you should.  

When you find out that you're +, you have options.

1. Will I seek treatment?
2. Will I adhere to a treatment regimen?
3. Will I tell others?
4. Will I be honest with myself about the matter?
5. Will I just act like nothing happened?

Options can be made on the fly & often have to be.  Options can be made emotionally or intellectually.  They can be a matter of committee or of a single person.  What options are you facing in life?  Would you like fries with that order...?

Cya

The Letter N...

The word Now is representing "N"today.  Now is an unusual word, in that it can be an adverb, adjective, noun or conjunction.  Regardless of it's use in sentence structure, the word denotes a point in time, the present.  That's hot right now.  We're going to the store now.  Now, why did you go & do that?

Now is the time we live in, not the future or the past.  We can not reside in either other state of time, but many of us try.  It's easy to get nostalgic & think of all those yesterdays.  However, those days are past & to focus on them is robbing you of living your life now.  Many of us worry about the future & what it may hold, but as the saying goes, que sera sera.  Whatever will be, will be.  We can make plans & prepare for the future, but if all our energy is focused on the then, we are wasting what we have in front of us now.

Living in the now should be easy, but it isn't for a lot of us, myself included.  When most everything you had is gone, it's easy to fixate when it was still there.  When $ is an issue, it's normal to worry about paying that next bill.  

As a + person, I have to accept that I do live in the now.  I can not go back to a time when I wasn't +.  Nor can I simply allow myself to focus on all the future might be's.  If I did, I'd drive myself nuts.  The Virgo in me wants to organize my life so when the future comes, it's less of a threat.  It seems that now can be a messy place & that nothing ever seems to come together as neatly as we want it to.  The past is filled with what-ifs & unfinished business.  The future is minefield of crisis & possibilities, good & bad. 

Now is the only place we live.  So remember the past, plan for the future but live for the now.  What other choice do you really have?

Cya

The Letter M...

"M" is the letter of today & our word is Magnanimous.   This refers to someone who is noble, compassionate & forgiving.  Not a set of words I always identify with in my life.  I think it tells a lot about a person on how they handle things in their lives.  I tend to watch how people treat others they claim are close to them.  If that person treats his friends or family badly, how well am I going to fare?

There are things I watch for.  I watch how people treat those they feel are socially less than them.  How do they treat small animals?  Do they get a long with their co-workers?  How do they treat people once they find out the person is +?  

I am by know means saying that I'm magnanimous.  I may have my moments or kindness & compassion, but I am not that forgiving.   I'm not sure I even know anyone who fits the bill.  Most often I've heard the word used sarcastically in something like, "Oh, how magnanimous of you..."  I think it's easier to be magnanimous, once you've been knocked down a few pegs in life.  Some people can be compassionate without experiencing the darker side of life, but most of us have to experience the bad before we can understand it & the damage it can do.

Should we be magnanimous?  Probably more so than we are as a whole.  Do I think I can be this way?  Probably not.  That's OK though, we can't all be magnanimous or else the word would be fairly meaningless. As would the experience of actually meeting someone who was that gracious.

Do you know any one who is magnanimous?  Are  you?  Do you want to be?

Cya

The Letter L...

Let is the "L" word I'm going with today.   The word has a few meanings, but the one I'm taking here is the action of allowing, permitting or not prohibiting an action or event.  I could've gone with a lot of other word like, like or love or even lose or lotto, but I choose this one.

Let is a word of permission.  I let my child go to the movies today.  My boss let me go early. It denotes a  level of power being displayed, whether by a person or an entity, like the weather allowing a bride to have an outdoor wedding.

One of the most powerful lyrics ever written, was to Beatles' song,  Let It Be.  It was written by Paul, though credited to both him & John.  It was on the last album the group made together.  It was when the band was disintegrating & Paul finally came to the idea of not fighting the split & simply letting it be.  

You might think that was nihilist of him.  But, why should he have beat his head against the wall in such a hopeless cause, Lennon was already out the door?   His action wasn't passive, it was active.  He choose to let it be, to let it go.  To save his energy for other things in his life.  You can't say he hasn't done well with his life.

There are a lot of things in our lives that we should just let be.  We can't control people or even change them, but we can let it be & walk when things call for it.  I've had people who left my life & when I was younger I used to try to understand or even get them back.  Even if it worked, it wasn't the right thing to do, at least ways not for me.  I should've let the door close & looked for the next opportunity.

Many of us fight things we can't overcome.  We go all Quixote on the matter & we're bound to fail.  Sometimes the windmills were tilting at, just aren't that important.  Maybe they are the way they should be & it's us who needs to change.  No disrespect to President Theodore Roosevelt, but sometimes going around is a perfectly good option & should be exercised.

Robert Heinlein said, "Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your & annoys the pig."  It is not in the pig's nature to sing, so let the pig be a pig.  Teaching a pig to sing is as impossible as deciding not to be + once you're diagnosed.  You can't do it.  All you can do, is let it be, let yourself be & move on with your life.

Cya

The Letter K...

I'm sure some will disagree with my statements about the word brought to us by the letter, "K", Kith.  The word refers to your friends, acquaintances & the like.  The word is most heard in the phrase, "Kith and kin,"  in other words friends & relations.

Personally, I think that they got the order right.  I feel kith is more important & says a lot more about who you are.  You have no choice in who you're related to, your parents could be great or downright useless.  Your cousins could be award winning scientists or sociopathic hillbillies.  All the blood relation stuff is a roll of the die that you can't change.

Friends on the other hand are chosen.  You choose them & vice verse.    Sure some will leave throughout your life, but the ones that stay do so of their own accord.  They have no prescribed social mandate to remain in your life, they just do.  Friendship is far more about loyalty & trust than family is.

Some will say that families are innately more loyal.  BULL!!!.  Families break apart just as often as friendships & usually with more devastating consequences.  Some say that family should come before all.  Sounds like a  cult to me.  Families are usually far less concerned with you as an individual than are your friendships.

It's some of our nature to roam & that will usually take us away from our family.  Makes it easier to make sure you don't wind up married to a cousin.  It also puts us in a position to more apt to depend on friends than family.  

Sometimes, friendships evolve, into something more, another form of family.  I'm not talking about marriages.  I'm talking about the friends you've had forever, who know you better than anyone else.  I'm talking about the living arrangement on Golden Girls.  Those women were family, even if legally they were only friends.

Kin is about what society & family tell you.  Kith is about the world & reality created among your friends & you.  Kith is potentially less stable, but also possibly far more rewarding.  Keep you friends close to your heart.

Cya

The Letter J...

"J" is the letter for today & the word is Joy.   To experience pleasure or happiness or contentment.  That is what joy is but to a different level..  To me joy is more subtle than happiness, deeper than your typical pleasure & less mundane than contentment.

Joy is something in you that wells up  & can hardly be explained or expressed.  A lot of people associate being joyous with a religious experience.    I suppose it can be, but it's not limited to that.  I think joy is more about being spiritual than religious.  

I can do things that make me happy, but joy seems to be more elusive.  Joy, like happiness, may be fleeting, but it can leave an indelible mark on us & our lives.  Some people find their joy in their children, some in gardening, some in singing. 

Every spring in this area, for a few days there are these tiny, pale purple flowers, that for some reason make me smile.  These flowers aren't even an half inch across, but the carpet the lawn with a soft beauty for a few days & then they're gone.  Most people would probably call them a weed, but not me, I call them a very remarkable, jubilant announcement that spring is here.  I count myself very fortunate when I get to see those flowers.  It's like those impatient daffodils sticking their heads up through the snow.  Or the single redbird roosting on a limb in the vast gray winter landscape.  Lightning bugs in the summer, kittens rolling with a piece of paper or a hummingbird just flying by, these are things that bring joy into my life.  I'm getting all Sound of Music here with the favorite things I'm listing, but they are joyous to me.

Having joy in your life is a necessity.  If you have no joy, then you aren't really living.  Where do find your joy?  What makes you heart sing?  What lets you know for just a moment that everything is right with the world?  I wish you all joy & what it can bring to your life.

Cya

The Letter I...

I have written about the "I" word, Isolation before, but it does merit more discussion.  Isolation is the state of being separated from something else.  For + people it can be devastating.  I live in a rural area & as I've said there are next to no resources available for a + person.  A lot of people still believe that HIV is some form of divine retribution. 

Isolation can lead to depression.  Depression can affect your state of mental & physical health.  This added burden can be exacerbate an already fragile health situation.  Isolation can be very stressful & that stress can/will have a negative effect on your health, especially if your immunity is already compromised.  

It is seriously in your best interest to keep your interactions with others as active & ongoing as possible.  I know that isn't easy.  Especially if you're already isolated.   If you are religious, there are churches.  If you live in a large area, there might be support groups you can attend.  There may organizations in your town that you can join that have nothing to do with being HIV.   Perhaps there are online communities you can frequent.   We are social animals & we need contact.

It's up to you, to try & keep yourself from slipping into the cracks.  Believe me, I know how crappy & impossible that sounds.  I don't have the answers on this one.  I can barely keep this going in my own life & I'm often not doing that well with it.  That doesn't mean that I don't know how important it is.  Good luck.

Cya

The Letter H...

Today, the letter "H" is for Habitat.   Put simply, a habitat is where something resides or lives.  For us, our habitat is our home.  I realize that I am assuming that the reader has a home, but it's the point of view I'm working with here.  Our homes may not be our castles, they might even be ours or ours alone, but they are the place where we spend a good chunk, if not most, of our time.  

We realize that our home needs to shelter us from the elements, but it also needs to shelter us from harm.  Sometimes in order for it to do that, we have to act first to protect our habitat from encroachers.    While a robber certainly qualifies as an encroacher, it isn't what I'm talking about in this instance.  

It is our duty to ourselves to remove as many of these encroachers as possible.  These can be nasty little things like bugs, mice, salespeople, religious solicitors or other similar vermin.  Or the more insidious type like  relatives & "friends".  Just because someone is related to you does not mean that they have your best interest in mind.  Even if they do have your best interest at hand, it's what they've filtered through their perspective for you & it may be utterly inappropriate.

Friends & relatives can be overly invasive.  They can be passive-aggressive, nosey or overbearing.  Even if they aren't meaning to be so, you have the right to inform them that are being so & to stop it immediately.  If they don't like it they can always leave your home.  Your home should be your refuge.  

You have to learn to put up boundaries in your life, especially your home & enforce them.  Your residence should be a place where you feel safe.  You can relax & recuperate.  While you can't get every stressor, you should rid yourself of as many as possible.  Whether that is unwelcome guests, pest, clutter, etc... it's time for those things to get out of your home.  It's time for your home, to be just that "Your Home".   It's time to clean house, figuratively & literally.

Cya

The Letter G...

"G" & Grateful are the choices for today.  Being grateful is to appreciate something, often in an expressive manner.  I know I talk about this one a lot, but in my opinion, being grateful is fundamentally important to surviving this life with or without being +.  I am a firm believer in certain platitudes.

• Things can always get worse
• Someone has it worse off than me
• Things tend to come back around

I hate TV shows when the characters ask, "what else could go wrong?"  There is always something else that can go wrong.  I think that kind of questioning invocation is just the type of thing you should never do if you don't want to see how things can get worse.  

No matter where I stand in life, I do my best to be grateful for what I have.  Some times I can be a real Debbie-Downer on this one, but I do know that I have a lot to be grateful for in my life.  I do not have children dependent upon me.  I am not homeless.  I have my meds.  All the while, there are many people out there far less fortunate than myself, whether they're + or not.

I do think things tend to come back around like a boomerang.  I believe that if you are kind & gracious, the world is more apt to be so to you in return.  Likewise, I believe that if you constantly show your ass & refuse to be grateful for anything, those things too will come back into your life.

Instead of focusing on all those things you don't have, take some time & focus on those things that you do have in your life.  They may not be everything that you want or need, but you do have them.  I believe a lot of things in this life are like the inhabitants of the Island of Misfit Toys from Rudolph.   Most things, people included, just what to feel needed, wanted  & included.  

What are you grateful for?  What have you taken for granted?  Take a moment & take stock of your life & you may be pleasantly surprised of what is there.  If not, it may be time to consider making alterations in your situation.  Have a great day.

Cya

The Letter F...

Today's "F" word is Frugal.  This is a word that we hear a lot in these economic times.  It means to be sparing or economical when it come to $ or other resources.   Some similar words are thrifty, sparing, careful or prudent.  What this word does not mean is cheap.  Being cheap is not the same as being frugal.  

You must consider your resources, be it time, $, stress tolerance, emotional or physical well-being, etc...  Then you have to take into account those things you want/need in your life; food stuffs, mortgage, cars, friends, entertainment, etc...  There will almost never be enough to be able to do everything you want at any given time. You have to  prioritize & plan for things if you're going to be frugal.  

Being frugal with $ is the for usually the most obvious form of the word.  But what of time & stress levels? What do you do when you have 37 hours worth of stuff to do & only a 24 hour day to do it?  Figure out what is absolutely necessary.  What can be postponed?  What can you do without?  Can you ask anyone for help?  Would a planned order of action help out to keep you from becoming overwhelmed?  Some people's problem isn't with money, but with committing to more than they can handle.  Not knowing when to say enough or when to say "No."  

When you are +, every little resource has to be accounted for & used sparingly.  We are not as healthy as we were.  Many of us tire quickly & can frustrate easily due physical & emotional exhaustion.  A lot of + people have to restructure their entire lives just to afford to get by from month to month.  They have to say," hey, I don't really need that extra, large, cafe, mocha latte, yah yah."  I can make it myself at home for a fraction of the price & calories.  Maybe I should consider getting a $20 a month Netflix subscription instead of spending $15 to see one movie at the theater.

I said earlier, being frugal isn't being cheap.  I used to wear black loafers to work.  I usually paid about $60 - 70 a pair.  They lasted nearly forever, I think I still have a pair from 90's.  My friends would knock me for spending so much on a pair of loafers when I could've got them for $20 at Payless.  I've gotten a few pairs from Payless & the outcome was always the same.  I barely got six months out of them before they fell apart.  This is where I steal from Clinton & Stacy from TLC's,  What Not To Wear.   When I paid $20 for a pair of loafers that lasted me six months.  The cost was actually $3.33/month.  However, the $60 pair that I actively wore for over five years with little sign of wear was less than $1 month.  The costlier shoe was actually the more economic one.  The $20 shoe was just cheap, not frugal.

What resources do you have in your life that are being strained?  What can you do without or at least do without right now?  What are you willing to do to make your life more frugal & therefore less stressful?

Cya

The Letter E...

We are brought here today by the letter "E" & the word Educate.  In it's simplest form, educate means by whatever means to introduce information or skills to someone.  While education is usually seen as going from one person/entity to another.  In regards to HIV, the most important part of the matter is that of self-education.  

When you are +, your doctors will tell you some of the story, your pharmacist another part & case workers another.  Still that is no where near the whole story.  I hate to say this, but when you are +, you are mostly on your own to teach yourself all the things you need to know about living as a + person.  

Some things you will bumble through & learn from the experience.  However, much of this is going to be found by talking to other people & researching the matter at hand on the net.   What topics will you pursue?

• Assistance programs & support groups
• Disability
• Legal aspects of being +
• Medications & interactions
• Overall health matters for the + person

Those are just a few of the things you'll end up having to find out for yourself.  There will be a lot more than that.  I would say that easily 85% or more of what I know about being +; my meds, disability & everything else I had to research.  A large part of the information I received from my doctors & other professionals was either completely wrong, not applicable or outdated. 

Your health is your responsibility.  It falls to you to be diligent & educate yourself about every aspect of your + life.  You can really only count on yourself to find out the information you need to know.  Don't let it overwhelm you.  Start with one thing & research it.  Slowly you will develop a knowledge base of information, web-sites, informed people & other resources to help you through this all.

Happy Hunting & Cya

The Letter D...

The letter of the day is "D" & the word is Demarcation.  The act of demarcation simply means making a distinction between things or types.  One can draw the proverbial line in the sand.  There can be a line between the tide levels of a beach.   Warring children might make a line straight down the middle of their room to mark sides.

As a + there are many acts of demarcation to be had.

• The times between taking medicine
• The times between medical appointments
• The times we need to rest

Those are obvious, but there are others.  We have to force ourselves to live in the now.  We can be concerned about the future & we may relish the past, but we have to live in the now.  This state of being + is now our life, there is no going back, we crossed the proverbial Rubicon.  We can not afford to waste our resources wallowing in the past & the what-if's.

I don't enjoy drawing the lines in the sand.  However, it is necessary.  We have to know how far we will let others go in our lives.  There are things that you just don't have the energy to deal with once your +.  My last roommate, constantly pushed the boundaries of our friendship with his actions.  Eventually, his actions led to such a point, that I could no longer tolerate the chaos & dread he brought into my life.  I really hate that he had to push things that far.  But that was his choice, mine was to protect myself.

For us, the biggest line of demarcation is easy, before & after finding out we were +.   Some people manage HIV, so there's actually very little change in their lives.  That wasn't the case for me or most people I've known.  I knew a lot of + people in the 1980's & their recognition of the disease was almost absolute.  They took a rock star attitude about the matter, "better to burn out than fade away".  The partied like it was the end of the world, because for them it was just that, the end.   The drank, snorted, danced, & screwed themselves into oblivion.   They raced like a moth straight into the flame knowing full well it would be the death of them & they embraced it.

The area past the line of knowing you're + is different now.  I won't say better, but definitely different.  We have meds that keep us going,  that keep some of us in our "normal" lives.  Before they were raging zealots of life burning themselves out like comets.  Now, sometimes it feels like we're more like reluctant zombies, just trying to get through life without infecting anyone.

So are you in the land of the living or the dead?  Are you living or existing?  Do you have any idea of where you're going or what you even want?  For me, I'm not always sure about any of that. But my line in the sand today is that I am still here & I will continue on with my life, my blog & my friendships.

Cya

The Letter C...

Today's word is Change.  I've stated before I am a Virgo & rarely do I consider change to something to be taken lightly.  Even if it is a change you desire or even pushed for, you still may not know the full ramifications the change will have on your life.

There are many ways to define the word, but at the core of the matter it is the action of altering the course or nature of something from what it had been before.  Dyeing an Easter Egg green is changing the egg's previous white color.

When you become +, change is something that will permeate every aspect of your life.  I am not exaggerating.  HIV can take every single aspect of your existence & toss it like someone put you in the spin cycle.  Your health, your social life, your finances, your emotional state, etc... all of these are face a whirlwind of alteration.

These changes come in a variety of forms.  There are those that you will have absolutely no control over & neither will anyone else.   For instance, your health or reactions to various meds.  There are those that others will have control over but you won't, like people who choose to leave your life.  Then there are those that you will impose on  your on life.  You may opt to remove to stressors from your life.  You may limit your exposure to certain people, because you feel weird.

I found that people left.  My hair mostly left.  I gained a lot of weight & only recently found out about HIV related weight gain that's associated with some earlier HIV meds.  My finances tanked.  I found nearly aspect of my life depleted, exhausted or altered beyond recognition.  Guess what?  There was very little I could do, but accept it.  That seriously sucked.

Slowly my life gained some sense of reason & rhythm.   My life will never be the "normal" it was before HIV. That's gone, but there is a new "normal".  My meds treat my HIV, but they don't stop me from feeling like crap some days.  

HIV makes you face somethings.  You have to face the fact that change will happen whether you like it or not.    My state of health can change by the day, the way I feel can change by the hour & that's just my life now.  I don't like it, but that's what is now.  I guess the only thing that isn't going to change is the fact that I am +. 

Change can be about transformation, like the Magician card of the Tarot.  Maybe, just maybe, we can make this metamorphosis as positive as possible.  I may not turn into some beautiful butterfly, but I can settle for a quirky moth.

Cya