Goals...

I was never very good with goals.  Yes, I made it through a Ph.D. & I got my work in on time.  That's not the same as having goals.  For me the main goal, especially when I was still in college, was 1 thing, having a place to live.  College gave me a place to be & survive.  It was never really about the education for me.  I learned, but it was really just about existing.

The cat in the picture may have goals, but I'm pretty sure I don't.  I have short term goals, like make dinner & take a bath, but little n the way long term ones.  I'm exercising, but my goal is more of avoiding another medicine to take than a lifestyle choice.  I blog daily, but I often wonder where I'm going with it.

Some people say for better mental health, self-esteem & less stress you should have life goals.  Quite simply, I don't.  I have some hopes, but no real plans.  Hell, 12 years ago I thought I'd be dead by now.  I try not to get indulgent with the matter.  But when people talk about goals, all I can think of for myself is, "Why?"  Again, I'm not trying to be overly dramatic, but I don't really have any long term goals.  I push my way through the days, sometimes they whip by & others seem to drag on forever.  

To have goals, you need at least a modicum of control in your life.  I'm not sure enough control in my life anymore to really make any legitimate plans.  I choose to take my meds & I'm striving to avoid taking others.  I do the day-to-day tasks & try to enjoy what I can as it comes along.  But, I'm only partially in control of my health now.   I'm not in control of my income at all.  Please don't take this as trying to avoid responsibility.  I'm quite aware of the fact that I got myself here.  I suppose that helps some.

There are days when I am quite content where I'm at.  Then there are days that I resent knowing that this is it for me.  A lot of my life, I told myself, "Don't worry, it'll get better."  That wasn't true.  I knew it then & definitely do now.  In the past almost 2 decades since I left college, there have been a couple steps up, but  most often it's been a series of step leading further down.  To have goals, you need dreams.  I don't really have any of those left, at least not ones I can pitch to myself well enough to believe in.

Don't get me wrong, my life is not all that bad.  It could be far worse.  I have a good roomie, there are cats to tend to.  I'm fortunate enough to have a relatively good doctor.  I have a great mechanic when I need one.    My physical needs are met.  I just no longer have ambitions. Even if I could focus long enough to write a good novel, I couldn't get it published without facing consequences to my disability.   I'm almost afraid of getting too healthy, for fear they'll kick my off of it.  

I guess this is pseudo goal then, to find goals.  That sounds ridiculous.  Who knows, maybe I'll find something.

Cya...