Goodbye August...

THe Summer is mostly over.  Meteorologically, it will end on my birthday.  Great my birthday, which is tomorrow, will kill Summer.  According to the equinox, we have about 3 weeks left.  I like the Moon's count way more.

August was a weird weather month this year.  It was far more like late Fall or mid Spring.  It was wet & gloomy a lot of the time, but it found itself by the last week.   Until next year, Goodbye August.

That's about all for now.  Have to go out later.  Stuff to do.  Take care.

Cya...

Closing Up August...

Tomorrow's the end of August.   Summer was on fast forward.  At least the last week has had mostly sunny mornings.  I saw 2 Hummers in the backyard this morning.   

The new outdoor cat will sort of sing chirp at me when she sees me & wants food.  She's white with dark grey patterns across the lower part of her back & tail.  She has a pretty face & long white whiskers.  Still not getting near me, but that's OK.  She was born feral & her getting this close is great.

We've got shopping to do & a bill to pay.  Tomorrow my roomie will go see a friend.  August will end & September will begin.  That's mean saying goodbye to being 51 & hello to being 52.  I'm fine with that.   We have tentative plans for my birthday.  Nothing set, but some ideas.   We'll get there.

Take care, hope August was nice to you.

Cya...

MD OpEd...

This is a short piece over a doctor's opinion of education & awareness in regards to HIV & other STI's.   It's to the point & a good read.  I've stated my opinion on the matter of HIV education before.  I still believe in the GI Joe quote, "Knowing is half the battle."  Knowledge is always power in any given situation & most people have precious little understanding when it comes to HIV, STI's & health matters.  

Educate yourself & stay as safe as possible.

Cya..

Brief But Important...

This piece is very brief, only a glimpse into the subject, but it's interesting.  Due to the years of research conducted in the fight against HIV, many illnesses, especially virally spread agents have been better understood.  The fight against things like West Nile, Ebola & Zika has had a boost from HIV research.  Nothing exists in a vacuum, not even research.  It's uncertain what impact any study might have on the intended field or those around it.  Empirical research, even if seemingly unproductive, is always a worthwhile endeavor.  You can't see where the ripples you cause may end or even begin again.

Cya...

Still Out Of Practice...

My roomie's uncle came down yesterday.  Then her brother & his family showed up.  There have never been that many people in the house since I've lived here.   It was interesting, but also a bit overwhelming.  I'm not used so many people being that near for that long.  The older cat hid in my room the whole time.  The younger lined everyone up & demanded pet tolls.  

It's morning now & the sun is out.  The house is back down to my roomie, the cats & myself.   I don't really mind being around people, if it's somewhere I can leave when I'm ready.  Can't just up & leave when they're in your home.

That's it for now.  We've have to go shopping.  Take care.

Cya...

Another Bright Morning...

This will be short.  I didn't find much to write over.  At least it's a bright, shiny morning.  Of course, that means all the neighbors are in mow-mode, even though they just mowed their yards 4 days ago.  Oh no! That blade of grass grew 2 whole millimeters.   The green dragon must be slain.

My roomie's uncle will be by this afternoon.  It's been a while since he's been in the area.    Hope his trip goes well.

I read an article questioning why everyone living with HIV wasn't on medical regimens.    It's a sincere question asked by an apparently naive person.  There are a host of issues regarding the matter of HIV treatment, from social to economic.  Treating the world sounds great.  How do you get passed the social barriers, like stigma?  How do you pay for all of this?    Who will foot the bill & why?  Kumbaya is great & all, but it doesn't pay the bills or deal with all the other issues surrounding the treatment of HIV.

Take care.

Cya...

Bright Morning...

I usually only document the dreary days, so I'd like to point out this morning is actually being nice so far.  It'll be a AC level warm later, but for now it's nice & bright.  I need more mornings like this.  I actually saw a lone Hummer this morning.  I haven't seen many hummingbirds this season.  Those I have seen, have been smaller & yellowish, brown.  I haven't seen any of the larger, bright Hummers this Summer.  I hope they fared well this season.

To all my Summer fliers, thanks for all the smiles you brought to my face.  They make my life easier.

Cya...

Uncertain...

I'm dealing with some unsettled things.  I haven't felt "well" in quite a while.  My definition of "well" keeps downgrading.  I don't need more stress, but life keeps delivering it daily.  

My dentist has changed again.  I'm not sure if the dentist bought out the location or if the company was sold to another.  Probably the latter.  My primary care provider may be in the same place.  Because of decisions on his part, he may soon be unable to be my primary physician.  I hope not, but there's not much I can do in this situation, except react.  I still need more info on the matter before decisions are made as to my next step regarding this agitation.

My roomie's uncle is coming in this weekend.  There's an ailing family member he wants to visit.  Here's hoping all this goes well.  We don't need more change or stress right now.

Cya...

2 Brighter Side Post...

I woke to another gloomy day, but I'm trying to see past it.  At least this morning's drear was due to rain & not just atmospheric bad attitude.   A little more rain & the precipitation we've gotten this month will surpass August's monthly average by several inches.  Actually, a bit more & we'll meet the monthly averages of August, September & October.  It's been a weird, wet August.

The 1st nice thing is another article on once monthly injections for treating HIV.  It's an interesting read & also brings up the possibility of alternative longer lasting oral medications.  Like pills that's effects could last up to 10 days.  For me that would currently mean 3 HIV med pills a month, instead of 30.   The cost levels should even out or even drop.  It'd seem the regimen adherence would improve.

The next brighter thing is bittersweet.  This piece details how Camp Sunrise is closing out it's final season for young campers living with HIV.  The camp was established during the 90s when dying from HIV was still a common event.    Children had this camp to come meet & interact with other kids like them.   

With advancements made in treatment & prevention of the spreading the virus from mother to child & other factors, the camp feels it has served its use.  They think it's time to close  up shop.  Good news regarding HIV.  Sad news for all the campers whose lives were made a little easier, fuller & happier due to Camp Sunrise.  

Cya...

Telemedicine Morning....

This has been a rough beginning of the week.   We had the trip to Tulsa, the humidity has been awful, ragweed is high, the neighbors are loud & everyone is mowing.  Even we got mowed last night.   The smell was pretty awful as he mowed & the yard was somewhat seedy.

Now, I have to get ready for a Telemedicine appointment about 9.  At least it's nearby.  I couldn't handle another trip right now.   We have some stuff to tend to tend this afternoon.  It's nothing big, but it does require us going out again.   Then the errands should be done for the day. 

I just woke up & I'm tired.  It looks like Friday & Saturday might actually heat up again.  Then it's back down into the 80s.   The sunrise keeps creeping back later & later. Last week it was at 6:30, now it's almost 15 minutes later.   This is all very draining.

Cya...

After Trip...

It'd been 2 years since I'd been to Tulsa.  I had forgotten what a pain that trip can be.   The trip was long & there was a goof up, but the hardest part of the trip was the road.  

The highway shook the car hard enough to put your backside to sleep.   My hands vibrated while I held the steering wheel.    The stretches of road that weren't bad, were nearly non-existent.   For me, The ride itself was the most exhausting part of the whole day.

It's done for a while.  We don't have any immediate cause to head back up for quite a bit.   We're home & recovering from our excursion.  I might feel better by tomorrow.  I hope so, I have a Telemedicine appointment in the morning.  At least that's here.   I really would not have wanted to make 2 trips to Tulsa in such a short time.   I'm not sure I could handle that.

Take care.

Cya...

Hurried Morning...

I've got little time to get around this morning.  We have to be on the road shortly.  My roomie has an appointment in Tulsa.  We like to give ourselves a little extra time in case something slows us down.  Hopefully, that won't happen.   

This will take a good chunk of the day & then we'll head back.  It'll be at least 4 or later when we get back.  At least the sun was shining this morning.  That's a good start.

Cya...

More...

I needed more this August & I won't get it.  The forecast shows 1 sunny day for the rest of the month.  I woke this morning, just asking, "Why?"  I'm setting  in my room at 8:30 in the morning with every light on & it's still gloomy.   I needed more.

I'm getting more trees dulling out to drab colors.  I'm getting more cooler, wetter days.  I'm getting more bugs.  I'm remembering 5 years ago during this month we lost our cat, Fluffy.  I have more feelings melancholy & sense of being stranded somewhere I don't want to be anymore.

I'm trying to make peace with all of this.  It's not working, not at all.   I don't really have the skills to cope with this Autumn crap.  I'm not sure there are any for people like me. Do we really need the dark half of the year?

Cya...

Nostalgia & Now...

My roomie's friend came over last night.  He's getting ready to move.  It's a big life change.  We spent the night semi-reveling in pizza, drink & 80s alternative music.  I didn't drink much.  I don't anymore, with my meds that probably isn't the best idea.   

But there was a different kind of intoxication, nostalgia.  I knew every word to all the songs.  I remembered where I was & what life was like.  Most of those memories were at happier or at least more distracted points in my life.  Like hanging  out with people at skating rinks or cruising in cars.   I knew it was fleeting, but I was going to stay in those songs as long as I could as a kid.  

I looked out the back door today & saw another tree was dulling out  for Autumn.  I'm trying to stay in the now, but this isn't the August I should've had.  This month is some crappy version of mid-April or possibly late September.  I feel like Sally Brown, " I was robbed."

Nostalgia can be an alluring drug of desperation & detachment   We go searching for some point when we happy or at least at peace with ourselves.   I don't want the leaves to change.  I didn't want to grow up & live without my music that I could get lost in for what seemed like forever.  I never gave these things up.   I was forced to leave them behind or they were taken from me.  Like my Summer was taken this year.  No, I'm not letting go of that.

I'm very pissed off at the now.  I don't really have any hopes for the future.  Unfortunately, I know the past wasn't really all that great at all.   This is why people start hard drugs & never come up for air.  Other people's lives may be worth living, but mine was filled with barely tolerable moments.  It just wasn't worth the pain.

Maybe tomorrow the Sun will burn away all these damn clouds.  Then I might be able to see some good in something.  No promises.

Cya...

Busy Weekend...

We have some shopping & errands to handle this weekend.  Then Monday, we'll have to go to Tulsa.  My roomie has an appointment.  We'll try to get something different & nice to eat while we're there.  The problem with going to  Tulsa is, just getting there is tiring.  We usually don't feel like doing much once we're there, other than coming back home.  But, the trips we do make  up usually can't be helped.

We;ll get through this, it just won't be the funnest thing ever.

Cya...

Weather Channel Weirdness...

When it comes to tracking rainfall, I go with the averages for the surrounding areas.  Some sites don't collect rainfall data & some seems to get every drop of rain that ever fell.   According to that, in the last 2 days, we' had nearly 8" of rain.

Unfortunately, Weather Underground averages all their sites, including those that don't collect data, making their rainfall totals a 0.  According to that site, the rainfall for the past 2 days is more like 5.5 - 6".   Who knows how Weather Channel  gets their data.  According to their site, we have had maybe 3" in the last 2 days with a total rainfall for the month being at just 6.5"

So my averaging gets the rainfall totals for the month somewhere between 8.5 - 9".  Weather Underground is at 7.8".  With Weather Channel trailing at 6.8".   That's an inch less than weather Underground & 2 less than my count.  1 - 2" of rain is a lot of water.  This isn't nearly as far off as Weather Channel has been on this in the past.  If you want decent data, you have to get it yourself & know your sources.

Cya...

Rain & Injections...

There are articles out this morning on GlaxoSmithKline's (GSK) new, once monthly injection to fight HIV.   This injection has some serious benefits.  It's a dual drug regimen.  That should lower its price point & its possibility for reaction or interaction.  It would have to be administered by a health official, therefore the patient would have to see someone at least monthly.  There's nearly 30 less chances per month to forget to stay on a regimen.  That should up adherence.  So far, it seems like a good thing.  

It's still raining.  We got somewhere around 3" yesterday.  That's our monthly rain average in a day.  It's already to nearly 2" more rain here by 9 AM.  There will be flooding.   

My meds were delayed.  Now, they're supposed to arrive tomorrow.  I hate delivery screw ups.  I bet this rain got to them.

That's all for now.  Take care.

Cya...

Maybe A Little Wrong...

I was wrong about the forecast just being a dreary, muggy tease.  I figured it'd stay dark, miserable & rain-free.  That's been our luck most of the season.  

It started raining off & on soon after I posted yesterday.  By midnight, we had about .8" of rain bringing our monthly total to about 1.5".  The monthly average is just over 2.5" of rain.  

It's been raining steadily & at times quite hard since midnight.  According to the local postings, at the moment, we've already had just over 2" of rain.  We've passed our monthly average & it's just 10 AM on August 14th.   

There's nothing but rain chances until the 28th,  3 days are at 20% for rain.  The rest are 30% or more.  Numerous days were 60% +.  It's seems likely this will be an excessively wet month.  August feels like April.   Will we have flowers in September or will it be a frozen wasteland?  Our seasons are jumbled.

Cya...

No Fun Forecast...

I looked at the weather forecast this morning.  It goes out 15 days.  Anything past 3 days can have errors.    5 days or more can be completely wrong.  That's what I'm hoping for now.  

The next 2 weeks were a solid bank of cloudy days & possible thunderstorms.  All that will probably mean is a lot of gloomy, muggy days with little rain or sunshine.  I hate the drear-fest August has become.

This Summer was a lemon.  It failed to be Summer.  I know I should be thankful that we didn't have the hellish heat of other places.  Still some more seasonal weather & light levels would've been greatly appreciated, at least by me.

Let me be clear about Halloween & Christmas.   All they have to offer me is a few holiday specials & some cheap chocolate days.   Other than that, they're just pains in the ass.  I'd gladly trade them to stay in the light longer.

Cya...

Word Choice & Resistance...

This article is a piece on the issue of drug-resistant HIV.  This may be about places in Africa, but resistance to common HIV drugs has been reported in Canada, Russia & many places of lesser financial means.   Some look at this as  an isolated issue, but it isn't.  At some point HIV, was an isolated issue, just like West Nile, SARS, Ebola, etc...  Nothing viral, stays isolated for long as people travel  & trade globally.

When it comes to being chronically ill, especially with something as stigmatized as HIV, you have to take note of people's word choices.   Like the words of "Opportunity" & "Burden".   People, like big pharma, who make their wealth off the ill, see & describe HIV as an opportunity.  A chance for them to make billions.  People who foot the bill or provide the care are prone to use the word burden.  HIV+ people are a burden on society & its resources.  

I know these things are true, but it gets really hard to hear that you're viewed just as an asset &/or a liability.  Ask any unwanted kid.  I won't tell you how to speak, I think that's wrong.  I'd ask you to be aware of your word choice.  If you're going to be a bitch, at least do it on purpose & with thought.   A little style wouldn't hurt either.

Cya...

Input & Aspirin...

This article is about research into the use of daily, low-dose aspirin to aid in preventing the spread of HIV.  I don't understand all the in's & out's.  It concerns inflammation & aspirin's ability to lower that condition.  Interesting read.

We saw Christopher Robin yesterday & it was great.  I'm glad we were able to see this is in the theater.  If we'd listened to the critics, we may not  have.   I use the word, critic, loosely.  These weren't people providing proper critical analysis of a piece.  No, they were mostly whiny, self-aggrandizing, narrow-minded brats.  That assessment of them is me being kind.  The reviews were awful.  I hate Yelp & other similar services.  It made these people's already gargantuan sense of self worth grow to a planetary size.  Their ego's & conceit know no bounds.

We waited & saw people, everyday folk, not alleged critics, were loving the movie.  I'm glad we ignored them.  The point is, even though others' input can be nice or even helpful, the decision is yours & you have to accept the consequences.  This movie was wonderful.  We had a good outing.  If we'd listened, we wouldn't have went.  That would've been because we placed stock in the word of strangers & their soap-box, fist-waving, ideology based blasting of a film.  

Your choices are yours.  Make sure you're making them for you.

Cya...

No Fun Day...

Yesterday was rough.  My schedule was off from normal.  The morning was busy.  My roomie was out.  I was OK until the afternoon.  Then I started feeling bad.   I was tired, had a lot of congestion, slight headache, achiness & felt queasy.    

I didn't know what was going on with me, but I didn't want to eat much of anything.   Apparently the cats weren't feeling much better.   When I checked on their food later, they'd barely eaten anything.   I was trying figure out what was wrong with me.  My blood pressure was low & the longer the day went the worse I felt.  My roomie got home & started feeling out as well.  I guess there was something in the air.  By about 8 PM I was feeling better, it took her until almost 11 to feel any improvement.  I'm still not sure what it was, but it wasn't fun.

I've got plans for today, so this is it for now.  

Take care.

Cya...

Chicken Or Egg...

For over a decade, there's been a debate about how to confront HIV.  Should the primary front be in prevention via education, awareness, condom promotion, etc...? Or should it be via treatment & support, AKA "Treatment as Prevention."?  I've made my feelings known about this before.  I think relying on treatment as prevention is a flawed strategy.

They're both incredibly important.  But ask yourself, would you rather have a great treatment plan available or would you rather never have contracted HIV in the 1st place?  I know which option I'd choose.

Take the auto industry.  For a long time, they opted to make cars stronger & more damage resistant so they could better survive accidents.  Think of early crash test dummies & all those tests about slamming into concrete barriers.  The cars were you, the barrier was the virus & the dummies showed whether or not you got infected.

Today, manufacturers still employ safety options like crash zones, strong frames, airbags, seat belts & the like.  But, they've changed their focus to things that can prevent the accident in the 1st place, like cameras, sensors, brake control, alerts, etc...  There are even commercials about avoiding the accident thanks to this technology.  

They still tout the strength of their vehicles & their ability to survive a collision.   But, they realize it's better if the accident never happened at all.   These new technologies being implemented in cars, they're the prevention angle of fighting HIV.  Let's not become + to begin with, if we can help it & we can help it.

Both approaches are needed.  They're prongs in the battle with HIV.  But, I will always contend prevention should be our 1st course of action.  The people who fight tobacco believe this.  That's why they've being trying to make tobacco less available & visible since the 1970s.  They're approach is working, the current approach in the war on HIV is not nearly as successful as it should be.

Caution & prevention are easier to live with when it comes to HIV than being on a life long regimen to manage a chronic illness.  I'm acutely aware of that point.   Be as safe as possible.

Take care.

Cya...

Already Over It...

My roomie does some things for her best friend.  It requires her to go to Fort Smith at an ungodly hour.  It jacks up her day before, during & after.  But, hey it's for a friend.  So, she tries.

It'd be nice if there was a little more consideration on her friend's part.  That will NEVER happen.  Her friend is very self-oriented & only pays attention to anything when she absolutely has to, even then it's amazing when she does.  The problem is this screws with my roomie's schedule, which in some ways affects mine.  

Tomorrow will be the 1st time my roomie's gone over to help out in a while.  Still, already, her friend has screwed things up.  She forget to tell my roomie accurate times & it'll be several hours more & so sorry to F'up your life, but not really.  This woman is never sorry as long as she gets her way.  SUCH A DAMN BRAT.  She always has an excuse or out.  

We already had plans for the following day.  We'll probably still be able to pull them off, but it'll require some alterations on my part.  It'll be far more tiring on us.  But, hey, as long as Brat-Chick gets her damned way. All's good, right?  NO!

People need to learn that last minute changes are on them & not anyone else.  My roomie offered a solution, but no, her friend didn't like that idea.  It wasn't what she wanted.  It's OK if she screws up others lives, but don't you dare make her feel put upon.

I'm done ranting. Not at being irritated, but done ranting for now.    Some people need to seriously pull their heads out.

Cya...

Articles & August...

It's weird, normally I can't find a single article.  Today there's a flood.  So here they are.

This article discusses the surge of HIV in Massachusetts due to opioids, mainly fentanyl.   Interesting & depressing read.

This article is about Gilead & it's attempts to make us believe they only made PrEP to prevent HIV & not for it's market value.  Yeah sure.  Run all the commercials about condoms you want.  It's years too late & way too little.  Gilead is a cash sucking parasite that just happens to make decent medications.

These articles, A, B, C, are about why some talented doctors are leaving the field of HIV treatment.  It's scary, depressing & understandable.  The last article also pushes why the field can be rewarding for doctors new to their careers.  Good luck with that sell.

It's August & I'm getting anxious.  My roomie will be gone on Thursday & it's not going to be easy on either of us.  She has to get up early & leave.  I will be alone from 10 the previous night until 5 the next day.   That may not seem  like a lot to some people. Some day's it's nothing for me.  Other days, it's difficult.   Especially those days when it's dreary.  I really wish I could leave before Falls arrives.  I'd like to leave looking forward to something, then wait around until when I haven't wanted anything in forever.  This is exhausting.  I'm tired of echos.

Cya...

1st Monday In August...

It's the 1st full week of August & some are returning to their Fall schedules.   Mine won't necessarily change, it might get affected, but not directly changed to be more autumnal.  I don't really exist in that world.   Most of the time, I'm barely on the fringe of those people.  

My roomie will be gone more, my schedule will get a bit tighter & it will be darker.   Those are the things that Fall will bring to me.  I try to find those good things in a situation.  Like Fall will be cooler, there will be skittering leaves & allegedly less bugs/grass.   But it also leads to more allergies, anxiety & seasonal aches.  I'm not ready to look at the bright side of anything at the moment.

I'm glad I have my blog. Here, I can write about the parts of my life, I'm not that comfortable talking about with others.  My bad times always collide with other's bad times & I don't want to bring more issues to them.  I don't feel comfortable commiserating.  It often seems most things are going wellish & then I speak about myself & everyone has issues that trump mine.   

I really needed this Summer to be better so I'd have a better chance of getting through the Winter.  As usual, what I needed didn't materialize.  Everyone else will get their Fall to enjoy.  I hope it brings them hellish allergies &  it rains on Halloween.

Cya...

Yesterday...

Yesterday wasn't easy on me.  My schedule was altered & we had to go out.   Walmart was very busy, due to a tax-free weekend on kids/school stuff.  They were even more understaffed at customer service than usual.   On top of that, they were painting the building's exterior.  The paint was potent.  It screwed with my breathing & how I felt for the rest of the day.  We tried to grab something to eat out, that didn't go well.  The whole trip was irritating.

I spent the day trying to recover.  It was a little too warm, but not enough to turn on the AC.  I looked out the window & I saw leaves on a nearby tree were starting to fade.  I could feel the weight of it hitting me.  The 1st visual sign, Summer was actually ending.  My Hummers barely got here this year.  Maybe they found better eating elsewhere.  The lightning bugs have gone.  We didn't even really get June Bugs this year.  This Summer was weird, short & disappointing.

My neighbor is trying to sell her house.  The family behind us has moved.  It seems everyone is leaving again.  I don't feel connected to this place at all, except through the strays & they tend to vanish.  Everyone else is going on new adventures & here I sit.  Soon, I won't know anyone even by name.

Cya...

Beginning Of The Stuff...

We have to go out for a bit, to handle some stuff due to how things fell at the beginning of the month.  This means I will be at Walmart on a Saturday.   I don't like being at Walmart on Saturdays, this won't become a habit. Other things can change before this happens again.   Saturday's there can be hellish, every person in town is there.

At least it was a bright morning.   

Unless the forecast changes, Tuesday may be our last day in the 90's.  That sucks.   That means it's already cooling  & Fall is even closer than I thought.   Some schools have already started.  That is seriously crappy.  This Summer was somewhat of a disappointment.  After last Winter, I needed a lot more.  Oh well, I guess some other people are happy it'll be cool soon.  

I hope they freeze solid.

I've got to get.  Take care.

Cya...

Opinions...

I write a  blog.  I express my opinions & perspectives.  I don't try to inflict my opinions on others.  I expect those that don't agree with me, simply not to read my blog.  It's that simple.

But, it's not.

Everyday, in every matter, from politics to medicine to entertainment, people are inflicting their beliefs on others with a zeal that should be reserved fantasy, whirling dervishes.  They carry their version of reality like a bomb to drop on everyone in their path.   They have the only valid opinion, the only REAL truth.

They use this to affect elections, medical advancements, even how well movies do at the theatre.  They are ideology monsters.  They should avoided if possible.  There is no winning with these beasts.  Don't even try.  So far, it's illegal to shoot them.  

Everyday I read about things that will impact my life being altered & affected by others who have no real connection to me or the things I need.  But they have their feels, opinions & TRUTHS.  

If you have an opinion on a matter, that's great.  But that's all it is, an opinion.  Just because you believe something, doesn't make it a fact.  Just because feel morally superior doesn't give you the right to bother others.  These people just use their "beliefs" as an excuse to bully, molest & harm others.

Again avoid whenever possible.

Cya...

2nd Day Of August...

The beginning of the month is always busy for us.  It'll be busier now that my roomie will be seeing her friend in Fort Smith more.  It just means more planning.  

This morning was nice.  It had light.  An outdoor cat put on a show by climbing the crepe myrtle higher than any cat before her.  Amazingly, she got herself down with no drama & a fair amount of grace.  Obviously, she isn't 1 of our cats.   Our cats think being graceful is tripping over your own feet walking across the living room.

There's been some talk about protease inhibitors lately.  It seems they may have been less safe than previosuly thought.  There are a host of complications that may be more common than initially believed.   Some will be upset by that, I'm not.    I was on them & they may have done me harm.  But it was what we had at the time.  If they know now & they're taking action to deal with these products, it would seem that's the best they can do.  We had a choice, take a possibly risky medication & live or refuse the medication & possibly die.  Not great options, but they were the choices we had.

I've got to go shopping, so this is it for now.  Take care.

Cya..

Hello August...

I woke to a chilly, August morning, it was 64 F.  I had a little light coming through my windows, but not much.   Sunrise is already back to being at 6:30.  

Today or tomorrow my newish, car insurance should make it's withdraw.  It's only the 2nd round with them, so I'm keeping an eye on it.   I hate not being able to trust this yet.  It's just another lit bit of agitation.

When I young.  I would spend every possible minute outside.  I'd run across fields, play in creeks, make hideouts under bushes.  Anything to avoid going home.  Not matter where I was living, I'd be out as much I could.  It didn't matter if I didn't know anyone else where we were.  I'd do it because whatever place I was living always had something in common.  I wasn't wanted there.  

No one ever directly said that to me.  But they did it in a multitude of other ways, like leaving or sending me some place else for "my own good".  I hate that statement.  Not once has it ever be good for me, when someone said something was happening for, "my own good."  It was always for someone else.

So, I stayed outside.  I ran, jumped, climbed, swam...  I  tried not to cry,  be scared, be nervous, care that I wasn't wanted there.  I hated the moment I had to go home.  The instant I had to go inside for anything, all their displeasure would hit me like a wave. At least during the warmer parts of the year, I could be outside away from most people. Even if it was scary & lonely sometimes.

The warm times of the year were my solace & the cooler months were hard.   You can only avoid them seeing you for so long in a house.  Every day, in a thousand ways they made you knew you weren't wanted, that you were a nuisance, a burden.   Dying would've been easier than my childhood of anger, desertion & chaos.

Summer still offers me a bit of that, even if I no longer run in the fields.  Winter is still the thing that traps me inside, with closed windows, old air & stale smells.  With the Sun I can stretch out & be more me.  When it's cold, I just want to curl up & hide.  I  hate that I ever grew up & came to understand this all as an adult.  At least as a kid, I could have my fantasies & make-believe reasons behind all the anger aimed at me.  Now, I can't.

August is here.  There's only a single day of mid 90s temps in the 15 day forecast.   When I saw that, part of me just fell away.   I'm not ready for this.  Soon, it will be cold & the windows will be closed.  I will cooped up & more alone.   If I'm going to die in this stupid town, I hope it doesn't linger too long.  Everyday I hate this place a little more.  It's like it's all I have left are dark things. There's not much a of me left anymore.  

Be kind to others, strays & most importantly yourself.  Few others will be do it for you.

Cya...

PS. - August, I hope you can hold on to the Sun for a little while longer.  I'm not ready to close the windows yet.