I Hate Mornings...

I don't trust mornings.  They're usually when my world goes to hell.  I become far more aware of myself as the light starts to shine.  But, I have to ask, is this just anxiety & some level of depression?  Or is it that later in the day I can kid myself into believing all the crap I bought the day before?    I like waking up to the light, but I don't like my thoughts during these hours.   The options are limited; either I'm deluding myself, being anxious or both.  Mornings can be hell for me.

When I was feeling down a while back about what little I've done since my diagnosis my roommate told me I had done things.  Mostly it centered on helping the strays in our area.  I'm not doing that anymore.  Not since May.  I can't really afford it, financially or emotionally.   I'm back to basically doing nothing.

I look back at our blogs from time to time.  It's something my roomie does.  2 years ago, we were in a very different place.  Since then, there were some very serious health issues.  A new entry into the world.  The health issues have been mostly faced, but somehow we've never come back to where we were. I look at those posts & see a much different atmosphere in the house.  We weren't always happy, but it seemed better than now.

There doesn't seem to be much left.  A lot of the progress we made is just gone.  I'm not blaming anyone, maybe it's just me.  My roomie thinks everyone would be better off living by themselves.  I don't.  I have & I remember it.  I can only imagine the awful life it must be for the elderly living alone & uncared for by anyone.  If I have any luck left, I hope I pass before that or a nursing home. My life is depressing enough now.

I'm not seeing a way out of this.  I hear all the little barbs & see read all the shit on the net.  I try to let it pass.  Most of it probably has nothing to do with me. maybe none of it does.  I'm not sure which is worse.  To be the target or just utterly cast aside.  

I don't think I'll be doing any resolutions this new year.  I really don't see any reason in trying to make myself live longer. I'm really tired & spent lately.  Maybe it's the HIV.  Maybe it's anxiety.  I'm feel very isolated.  My roomie has her own issues to deal with in her life.  She'll see her family over the holidays.  I hope that goes well for her,

I need to get my day started.  I hope the cats haven't messed up anything.  I really hate mornings.

Cya...