We went shopping this morning due to scheduling issues. I can get easily annoyed at Walmart, but that wasn't the case today. I was nervous the entire time. It wasn't because of the shopping.
Yesterday was stressful. An idea was recently introduced concerning our household. I'd expected to have a bit to get used it, but instead it started taking off almost immediately. It is/was a sound idea. It would have some serious benefits & some drawbacks. All plans do.
But this plan was making me face the idea of being in this area for the rest of my life. That's probably been the case ever since I was diagnosed with HIV, but I still held on to the thought I'd move out of here some day. It'd be to a better place & a move I wanted.
This plan meant accepting I'd probably never be anywhere else. I'd probably not meet a lot of other people. This whole thing meant me giving up on my last dream to be somewhere better. I didn't have a good day,
I've always wanted a place that felt like home; safe, secure & reasonably happy. I'm not going to get that. I still know the idea was good, it just means saying good bye to another part of me. There isn't much left.
There's no good way to say this, but I was an unwanted child. My parents had me because they felt like they were supposed to, a lack of good contraception & my mother's liking to be pregnant. She liked the process, just not the product.
There's little worse to be in this world than an unwanted child. No one, especially yourself, ever lets you forget it or really move past it. How can you? You're just a source displeasure to some & a target to most everyone else. An object for them to pity, hate, blame, attack, abuse, ignore... A stray that lingered too long on the porch.
I will always be pro-choice. It'd been better to not have been born, than to live as a child that was never wanted. It'd be more humane to just shoot those children, than make them endure what life & people are going to put them through over & over again. When their only crime was being unwanted.
Many of us, make up dreams in our head to survive. It's really bad coping skill. We don't usually have the skills or means to make these dreams come true. And each time a dream fails or we have to let go of 1, we lose a little bit of us.
I feel like the doll on the Isle of Misfit Toys. I'm out of dreams to dream. I used to have so many, now I can't even hold on to 1. This sucks.
Now, all I've done is upset myself & my roomie. The idea was sound. I wasn't.
Cya...
*hugs*
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